Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with Dh re childcare

203 replies

barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 07:16

This is a regular argument in our household at the moment but really came to a head this morning. To be honest I think we are both probably being unreasonable but I just need to have a bit of a rant!
We have two DS's 7 & 3. Both have caught every bug going since September. This morning DS (3) has D&V. We do have family nearby who help out a lot but can't have them this week due to other commitments.
Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off when the kids are poorly and he's done maybe 2 days in the past 12 months. I've suggested I take today off and he does tomorrow. My reasons for this are that my office is down quite a few members of staff this week and I've been asked to pick up extra work so my being off is not going to go down well at all. At least if I can show that I'm trying to make it in for one of the days Ds needs to be off it looks better.

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

I just think it's so unfair that he just thinks he can go to work everyday without any thought for childcare and that it should be solely my responsibility to sort it all out. When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

OP posts:
mindutopia · 28/02/2023 10:23

He's your joint child and you should share the burden jointly of sick days. Dh and I split sick days and holidays roughly equally, and dh is self-employed, meaning he never gets a paid day off. I do have paid leave and I get quite a bit of it, but it doesn't mean he doesn't still take time off as needed.

SoonBeTeaTime · 28/02/2023 10:23

We've had the same argument, only my husband is a teacher and really can't just take time off and I earn marginally more. I also have really good child friendly policies such as being allowed to take special leave without using holidays, plus wfh and flexible hours. It's all good and well but when you have 3 children under 6 and they have taken it in turns for the past 18 months to be ill it gets silly the number of days required. One of our children got admitted to hospital the day I went back from maternity leave (I obviously couldn't take time off first day back), my husband was allowed 1 day paid, but our child (he was 4 at the time) was in for 2 further days (we couldn't switch as I was also breastfeeding) so he was unpaid for 2 days. I don't think there's an easy answer especially when one person earns more or in our case they can't just use leave, so days off with poorly children end up unpaid.

I don't necessarily think it should all fall on the person who is paid less or has the better policy/flexi time for poorly children, but sometimes it's the better option financially. I get really annoyed about how it makes me look to other people I work with, I am having more time off and don't appear as committed to my job. I know once upon a time pre-children I would have been pissed off if someone kept having paid time off and I was having to pick up their work. It's hard juggling kids with working ft, I can see why both of you feel frustrated.

sjxoxo · 28/02/2023 10:26

I fear im about to have similar issues when I go back to work - tbh why is salary even relevant? Parents are 50:50. I don’t think pay should be included in the discussion.. good luck I’m not sure what you can do other than have a very serious chat about equality.. xxx

BIWI · 28/02/2023 10:30

Like other PP this bit of your OP stood out to me:

When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

Why 'obviously'? It never needs to be like that.

What did you do?

But also, you need better/more reliable/more formal childcare. This is going to crop up again and again until the DC are old enough to be left on their own.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/02/2023 10:33

Your DH is wrong. How does he justify this?!

My DH earns more than me and did 99% of all of the staying home with sick kids. I’m a teacher and obviously can’t take any annual leave, so if they were off ill, he took time off.

80s · 28/02/2023 10:34

I unserstood that "obviously" to be referring to the fact that OP is now not the higher earner. Before kids, she was the higher earner, now she is not, so it is obvious that her fall in wages is due to motherhood.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 28/02/2023 10:36

Another one saying he is wrong. The more senior you are, the easier it is to take time off like this.

And you are right that your employer will get ticked off if you are taking all the leave for sick children when they have two parents.

bowlingalleyblues · 28/02/2023 10:37

He is wrong, you are right. I earn 3 x what my OH does at the moment but we share this stuff 50/50, in fact I do more as I have flexibility. Can he explain why should you do almost all of his share of childcare. Even if you agree to do more, I assume he isn't bringing in 90% of the money (on his side) so why should you do 90% of the childcare?

Penguinsaregreat · 28/02/2023 10:43

Another vote for your dh being totally out of order.
Attitudes like the ops dh are why women remain downtrodden and overlooked for promotion. I was having a conversation with a boss of a company the other day. They confided that this attitude helps to ensure they employ men or older women. Of course they know it’s illegal but they run a business so I understand their logic.

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/02/2023 10:44

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2023 07:19

He’s wrong. How’s he going to feel if you lose your job when his can’t cover your costs?

This.

He might get a reprimand for taking a couple of days off.

YOU could get SACKED for taking a LOT of time off.

Butchyrestingface · 28/02/2023 10:46

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

What a selfish shite. You should get up, go to work and leave him to it.

And don’t have more kids with him.

dramakween · 28/02/2023 10:46

Try not to let his mantrum get you down; He's trying to control you with emotional blackmail.

Whatever you do stand your ground!

ThatCantBeTrue · 28/02/2023 10:48

Quit your job and let him be the breadwinner

Hayliebells · 28/02/2023 10:50

Your DH is a huge arsehole and you have much bigger problems than just the childcare. He has openly said, not just implied, but outright told you, that his job is more important than yours. He's not willing to shoulder his share of childrearing responsibilities, and he's not willing to compromise. Is this the only time he's been like this, because he does not sound like a good partner. I'd 100% be calling divorce lawyers if my husband had that kind of attitude.

luckylavender · 28/02/2023 10:51

I don't think we can comment. It depends on you work, your management etc.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/02/2023 10:52

He needs to do more. It doesn't always mean 50/50 as there are always other factors to consider eg a certain day that is difficult for one person to take off.

It is so hard both being ft when the kids are young. Neither of us have flexible / wfh jobs so I worked 3 days a week until they were in school, in part to cover illness, as we don't have any family help. Even at 9 and 11 it is hard as they still need a parent at home when ill, though it doesn't happen as often.

You need to negotiate with DH. IME it's nothing to do with salary and everything to do with the type of job which influences how easily someone can take leave for a sick child.

AliceTheeCamel · 28/02/2023 10:53

Me and DH both work full time. He is the (slightly) higher earner and my job is much more flexible/able to WFH. I cover more DC sick days but definitely not all of them - we try to look at diaries and see who will be most disrupted by staying at home with DC.

OP, tell your DH that when he gets himself a job that pays the equivalent of both your current salaries combined, he doesn't have to do any childcare. Until that point. he needs to shut up and muck in.

Hayliebells · 28/02/2023 11:04

BIWI · 28/02/2023 10:30

Like other PP this bit of your OP stood out to me:

When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

Why 'obviously'? It never needs to be like that.

What did you do?

But also, you need better/more reliable/more formal childcare. This is going to crop up again and again until the DC are old enough to be left on their own.

Eh, what childcare should they be sorting that covers this eventuality? The OP said they have family members who usually help, but they can't in this instance, so they already have a back up. What childcare would take a sick child, with D&V? Sometimes the parents have no choice but to take time off.

WinterMusings · 28/02/2023 11:08

barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 08:33

Thanks for all the comments. It's good to know I'm not e in the wrong! DH has actually asked work now about tomorrow but is now not speaking to me because he said it's wrong that I've made him do that. I've spent my morning so far in tears as I'm really just at the end of my tether at the moment with stress like this from home and also from work. Hopefully today can only get better!

YANBU

ask him tonight, how you'll cope financially if you lose your job?

ask him why your career doesn't matter? Remind him that before YOU made the career sacrifice for you BOTH to have children, you earned more than him & you now want your career to be upped a few rungs. It's HIS turn to enable that, as you did for him.

Ask him how many times you threw it in his face when you earnt more than him and ask him why when you sacrificed your career for him to progress it wasn't appreciated.

and bloody well make him answer these questions!!

ask him why he needed to 'be made to sort out tomorrow' & doesn't see it as part of parenting your joint children.

BIWI · 28/02/2023 11:10

Hayliebells · 28/02/2023 11:04

Eh, what childcare should they be sorting that covers this eventuality? The OP said they have family members who usually help, but they can't in this instance, so they already have a back up. What childcare would take a sick child, with D&V? Sometimes the parents have no choice but to take time off.

Show quote history

A nanny would be the obvious one, or an au pair if they have room?

A childminder - if they're prepared to take a child when they're sick.

Cherrysoup · 28/02/2023 11:15

He can take 'care' days. He's being extremely unreasonable. Why should it always fall to the mother to do the caring of shared dc?

StoppinBy · 28/02/2023 11:16

We had this situation on Monday, school rang, DS was committing.

Hubby earns more than me, he works full time, me part time.

We agreed on a day off each as that's what's fair.

Sometimes he has taken part of the day off so I can at least do part of the day and then he has gone back in to work after I have gotten home.

We have no help whatsoever so have to compromise or have me not work at all to a accommodate all holidays etc.

Therealjudgejudy · 28/02/2023 11:18

Of course he is wrong.

Ask him why he isn't stepping up and parenting his own kids.

Also state that as your job is so unimportant in his eyes, would he be happy if you lost it.

Hayliebells · 28/02/2023 11:18

Right, so they should employ a nanny, which for one child, given that one is in school, would be hugely expensive compared to a nursery place for example. An au-pair could be a solution, but does the OP have room? I guess they could move to a bigger house so they can house an au-pair. Or, DH could just do his fair share, rather than resorting to any of those expensive, disruptive "solutions". And childminders do not take children with D&V! Any parent who would send a child to a childminder with D&V is an arsehole.

DashboardConfessional · 28/02/2023 11:19

He's a twat. This is genuinely a divorceable event for me. How dare he treat your career with such contempt!

I'm part time and earn maybe a third of what DH does but he understands me missing a day is 33% of my week whereas for him it's 20% so if anything he does more sick days than I do!