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Original poster

Huge argument with Dh re childcare

203 replies

barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 07:16

This is a regular argument in our household at the moment but really came to a head this morning. To be honest I think we are both probably being unreasonable but I just need to have a bit of a rant!
We have two DS's 7 & 3. Both have caught every bug going since September. This morning DS (3) has D&V. We do have family nearby who help out a lot but can't have them this week due to other commitments.
Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off when the kids are poorly and he's done maybe 2 days in the past 12 months. I've suggested I take today off and he does tomorrow. My reasons for this are that my office is down quite a few members of staff this week and I've been asked to pick up extra work so my being off is not going to go down well at all. At least if I can show that I'm trying to make it in for one of the days Ds needs to be off it looks better.

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

I just think it's so unfair that he just thinks he can go to work everyday without any thought for childcare and that it should be solely my responsibility to sort it all out. When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

OP posts:
dootball · 28/02/2023 08:13

If you take 99% of the time off, and he's already done two days - you must be up to nearly 200 days off this year - I am sure work are getting fed up with it.

TeenLifeMum · 28/02/2023 08:14

Nope, dh used to earn double my pay and we always split sick dc equally. Despite different pay, we’re worth equal in each other’s eyes and jobs are important even if we’re paid differently.

pastaandpesto · 28/02/2023 08:15

Your DH is being a massive dick.

When our DC were young I was only working PT and he must have been earning 5x what I was, and he was/is in a senior role. I definitely covered most of the unplanned sick days, but if I had something important happening at work he always stepped up and took time off. We figured it out jointly as a team.

maddening · 28/02/2023 08:16

Tell him he can either take the time off or source childcare for his half of childrens sick days from his oh so high salary, he takes 50% from now on.

And I would be going back full time and rebuilding mu career so I was not disadvantaged and dependent on a twat.

ShakinSteven · 28/02/2023 08:16

You are right. Your husband is wrong. It's attitudes like his that devalue women in the workplace. He's sexist.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 28/02/2023 08:16

You know you're not being unreasonable. Your husband is dismissing your job and your responsibilities to your employer.

I tend to do most of the sick days as I can WFH but DH is emergency services so cannot do the same. But if he is able to do them, he does. With no fuss, no complaints, as he is also their parent.

Your husband needs to get it clear in his head, if you lose your job you cannot afford to live on just his salary. So you need to work together on this or face a very difficult financial future.

Xol · 28/02/2023 08:16

Why would he get into trouble at work? Most employers recognise that these crises happen, and can work around the odd day. If his employers don't, he needs to look for another job.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 08:16

Oh dear. He is a sexist twat. And incredibly selfish to boot.

Please do not sacrifice your career for this man. You might need your independence in the future.

DieselBlue89 · 28/02/2023 08:24

He's wrong. The reality is that neither of you will lose your jobs (especially if you split it 50/50) so how much you both earn is irrelevant.

LumpyandBumps · 28/02/2023 08:26

Next time don’t be so generous as to offer to do the first day.
Get yourself up and ready and as you walk out the door tell him that you will do the second day. Seriously though he needs to step up as a parent and it’s probably something to be discussed when you are both less stressed.

Tandora · 28/02/2023 08:27

Outrageous behaviour from your DH!!! 😡 I’m so angry on your behalf OP. How dare he? Tell him he either starts respecting your job or you quit and he can pay all the bills from now on.

Abucketfullofsand · 28/02/2023 08:31

Thank yourself lucky you have relatives to help. The above was my life forever with no one as all dead. It’s the everyday shit like above that makes you realise how alone and how much harder it is.

BloodyThursday · 28/02/2023 08:31

I have this OP. I agree with you. My DP thinks my job is less important. We'll probably I'm less important if I'm honest. Today he is off and still expected me to take the kids into school whilst he laid in bed. I should be at work. They are flexible for school runs for why should they be when I have DP able to do it.

Original poster
barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 08:33

Thanks for all the comments. It's good to know I'm not e in the wrong! DH has actually asked work now about tomorrow but is now not speaking to me because he said it's wrong that I've made him do that. I've spent my morning so far in tears as I'm really just at the end of my tether at the moment with stress like this from home and also from work. Hopefully today can only get better!

OP posts:
soleilblue · 28/02/2023 08:34

He's completely in the wrong

jannier · 28/02/2023 08:35

Ok Hun your jobs more important I've just been told I've taken too much time off and any more I'm into see HR so going to hand my notice in, but that's okay your okay to pay for it all.......

Testina · 28/02/2023 08:38

“he doesn't want to get in trouble at work”

How true is that?
I suspect: not at all, and he’s just your common or garden arsehole.

But I earn 4x my husband, in a job that can be done from home and (apart from meetings) outside of office hours. Whereas he’s on NMW and has to be in the shop to do his work. So - it would always be me.

So if he actually has a good reason - which might be a judgemental employer - I’d be less quick to call him an arsehole. I’m getting arsehole vibes though.

katsue · 28/02/2023 08:38

My DH earns a lot more than me but does 90% of the sickness cover because I'm a teacher so it's very hard to take time off. To be fair, it normally means him WFH and kids in front of the tv as they are a bit older but he still did it when they were smaller. Your DH is being very unfair, parental leave isn't done by salary.

Guis · 28/02/2023 08:41

Is his employer likely to be accommodating to a request from him? Some employers may well hold outdated notions of time off. And he cannot change them overnight if so. But he should ask.
Be mindful too that sometimes employers worry such arrangements are abused. Both parents ask for the time off etc. Many employers will have policies in place. But not everyone works in such environments.

I know too, that employers can be concerned about large amounts of absence due to childcare needs. People are expected to have alternative arrangements. You do but it not this time. But this just adds to stress. Talk to your employer about your particular situation at the moment ? So you feel less stressed.

Catspyjamas17 · 28/02/2023 08:42

I've always earned more than DH and we shared the load re pick-up from childcare and covering sick days, because that's what you do.

Tell him to get a better paid job to support the whole family if he wants you to lose yours.

Rocket1982 · 28/02/2023 08:42

Ask him why he thinks he earns more than you. If he says anything other than maternity/childcare, ask whether he thinks that even though you started off earning more you wouldn't have been promoted as fast as him and if so, why? He needs to concede that your responsibilities with the children have limited your current earnings. When he concedes that, ask him if it's fair that your earnings should be the one to continue to be limited by childcare responsibilities and not his at all.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/02/2023 08:44

Ask him why he feels his job is more important than looking after his sick children for 1 day (not both, just the one) so that you can split the care equally?

I 100% agree with the comments made by @Brefugee , with @AnneLovesGilbert , and with @NoSquirrels.

Time to get your career back on track, start earning more and then decide what you want to do - stay with him and his antiquated ideas that he'll pass on to your children, or leave and show your children how a successful woman carries herself through life!

mumto2teenagers · 28/02/2023 08:45

It has nothing to do with who earns more, but think it does depend on roles you do.

I earn approx. double what DH earns but can work from home, so for us the easiest solution would be that I work from home doing what I can while looking after sick DC's then when DH gets in I would catch up on work. DH would lose money if he took time off but has been able to swap days in the past if I really need to be in the office.

OP - what roles do you do are either of you able to work from home?

soupey1 · 28/02/2023 08:46

He is unreasonable, when ours were little it was always me but then after a few years off completely with them I only worked very part time in a very flexible job. DH was earning enough to support us all and due to his role could not easily take time off at short notice so this worked for us. But it was a joint decision and when he was home he did at least 50%, he wouldn’t have dreamed of not being as involved as he could possibly be.

Cakeandcardio · 28/02/2023 08:48

Tell him you will hand your notice in? See how far his wages stretch then? Honestly some men!

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