Huge argument with Dh re childcare

[barbiedinosaur]

This is a regular argument in our household at the moment but really came to a head this morning. To be honest I think we are both probably being unreasonable but I just need to have a bit of a rant!
We have two DS's 7 & 3. Both have caught every bug going since September. This morning DS (3) has D&V. We do have family nearby who help out a lot but can't have them this week due to other commitments.
Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off when the kids are poorly and he's done maybe 2 days in the past 12 months. I've suggested I take today off and he does tomorrow. My reasons for this are that my office is down quite a few members of staff this week and I've been asked to pick up extra work so my being off is not going to go down well at all. At least if I can show that I'm trying to make it in for one of the days Ds needs to be off it looks better.

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

I just think it's so unfair that he just thinks he can go to work everyday without any thought for childcare and that it should be solely my responsibility to sort it all out. When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

Great idea! Give a nanny or childminder D&V and then argue over next week's childcare.

Omg, bloody auto correct!!! DS was Vomitting not comitting!!!

I had a husband like this.

I divorced him.

YANBU, he is BU!!! Big time!

Having one day off to care for his sick DS is not going to "get him in trouble". He's being extremely selfish, and sexist in assuming childcare defaults to you at the expense of your job.

Sorry, but it's often part of their job.

And the OP is quite happy for family members to take the risk!

I’d point out that if you were divorced, he’d have to cover child care and all sickness on “his” custody days .
so, what is his preference ? Accept he is a parent and needs to stand up for himself at work and take leave for childcare when needed as shared with you, or wait until his disrespect for you and your career /needs escalates to point you will have no choice but divorce him

Go part time and he can pay you for what you’ve lost in earnings. As his job is so important!

I think the lyrics of this song is relevant here

… My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad"
"You know I'm gonna be like you"
… And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then
… My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw, I said-a, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay
And he, he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
It said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him
… And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then
… Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?
He shook his head, and they said with a smile
What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?
… And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then
… I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind
He said, I'd love to, dad, if I can find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
… And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then

OP

He is putting his earning power above you and above the health and happiness of his children.

The only reason he is earning more than you is because you have done the pregnancy and caring bit.

You are supposed to be a family, as a couple you should both be responsible for childcare.

Tell me how much worse of would you be a single parent?

Pack an overnight bag, when he gets home today leave, stay with a friend or in a hotel and go in to work tomorrow.

How is her DH wrong when you didn't do your share of taking sick days at all? According to most on here both people need to do 50% of sick days regardless of their jobs or paid leave. So you didn't do your share but her DH is wrong for not doing his share?

I'm not sure the amount that's earned really comes into it in your case. DH and I have earned varying amounts at different times in our careers and how much we earn hasn't really come into it...we've both done our fair share. Most Dads I know split time off... especially after lockdown when there was a constant juggling act.

Everyone who is a parent will have been in this situation at some point. Is he saying that no one at his company ever takes any time off and that their partners of whatever sex always do it because his company is that special? Or is it only the women in his company who take time off and is he saying this is acceptable?

Dear DH.. when we embarked on this journey, I presumed that we would share responsibility for our children and the burden shared equally. I have since come to realise that it is not the case. Regardless of my potential earnings before we got married (statistically likely to be lower than a man), the impact of pregnancy and maternity leave is not born equally. Yes you earn more now... because I took time out to have our children. Maybe my career will never recover but as long as I continue to bear all of the burden, it will only get worse. Sharing sickness days is unlikely to impact your career as much as pregnancy and maternity leave has impacted mine. You have had years of progress in your career where I have gone backwards. It is your turn to take some of this now to allow me to reach a fraction of the earning potential I might have had, had I been born male or chosen not to have children.

He’s right in that he earns more, however, you’re looking at it from the wrong angle. He need to support you, so you can work your self up to the level you lost by having children. Not the other way around. You’re just going to keep sinking!

I am surprised no-one else is commenting on the fact that is now not speaking to you and making you feel guilty. This is so wrong.

I earn 6 times what my husband does - we do 50% each of the unexpected childcare. I probably do a bit more, because my job is a bit more flexible, but the conversation is very much ‘which of us can most easily take this particular day off’ rather than any automatic assumptions.

a) he should WANT to look after his sick children 50% of the time and b) he can absolutely do this without impairing his career - it may even be assistive to those working parents coming up beneath him in setting a better working culture.

YA DEFINITELY NBU.

My husband earns ten times what I earn, I work very part time around the kids and can be flexible to an extent, but as I pick up supply work in schools if I don’t go I don’t get paid and I hate leaving schools in the lurch first thing in the morning for example.
Our default before I started working post-kids was obviously that I stayed home with them if they were poorly and it’s a hard mindset to get out of especially for my husband who never used to have to factor this into his working life.
We now tend to split sick days so neither of us feels like we are inconveniencing our employers too much, and my husband WFH so can be way more flexible and catch up when I’m home/in the evenings etc.
When both of you work it’s not about the salary surely but about sharing the time needed off work?

It’s not childcare, it is parenting.

Divorce and go for 50/50 custody and then he has to take 100% of the days of child sickness days in his 1/2 of the week.

Either that or pack an overnight bag and leave for work the night before so he has to stay home.

Long term get other jobs so you earn more than he does then he can do the 99% of days off as the lower earner

We always did 50/50
It's not really fair on employers for women to take this on alone.

This.
Just get up and leave on his day. Stand up for yourself.

Makes my blood boil when selfish arseholes like this choose to have children but then want to opt out of any of the responsibility or sacrifice of actually being a parent. Like they just want the nice bits, but at the first sign of any inconvenience then suddenly they are your children and you need to take on the unpleasant bits and make sure it doesn't impact them at all.

You and your career are every bit as important and deserving of consideration as him and his career. The responsibility for organising sick day cover is both of your problems equally.

My husband earns nearly double what I do and takes his share of the days off needed for sickness as I’d lose my job if I had to do all of them.

He's being completely unreasonable

How is her DH wrong when you didn't do your share of taking sick days at all? According to most on here both people need to do 50% of sick days regardless of their jobs or paid leave. So you didn't do your share but her DH is wrong for not doing his share?

I looked after them whenever they were ill in the holidays.

Mine have both been sick constantly since October, if we get through a week without a fever or bug it's a miracle. The only reason my boss hasn't gone through me is I can say I've had to take 2 days for DS having tonsillitis because she took the 2 days when DD HAD had her chest infection.

Last night my DDs eardrum burst, we'd to go to out of hours for antibiotics, noone got any sleep. Thank God my mil is having her today because if not it would have been my turn and I'm on my arse already juggling everything.

You have my sympathy but he needs to step up!

Totally untrue. Absolutely no way a Childminder would accept a child with D or V into their house. I am an ex-childminder and they all have very clear policies that unwell children are not allowed to attend. It is a health and safety risk to the other children in the setting. If a Childminder accepted a sick/contagious child into their home then all the other parents would be fuming (rightly so!) …….. I also worked as an emergency Nanny and the agency absolutely would not send a Nanny into a house where a child or parent has D or V……….. The only exception is if you employ a Nanny on a permanent contract, they would still be expected to work when the child has any illness, but the OP does not have a Nanny so it wouldn’t be relevant to them.

My work have the option of a term time contract and we discussed me pursuing it when my youngest starts school. It would mean that for around 18/20 weeks of the year I'd be home, so any sickness my DH wouldn't need to think about. However that would be ALL my annual leave so he'd have to take annual leave for any other reasons and cover more sick leave to even things out.

If I could be completely sure id not need a day for a sick child for 20 weeks a year I'd take that deal!

Yes indeed, but it's predictable isn't it? The refusal to do his share and compromise, isn't the only way that this man will display his dickheadedness. It's not surprising he's being something manipulative and controlling by pulling the silent treatment, because he is not a decent person. Decent people do not proclaim that their job is more important than their partner's, and then refuse to discuss it. If I were the OP, and presumably this isn't the first time he's been a dick, I'd be reassessing the marriage.