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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with Dh re childcare

203 replies

barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 07:16

This is a regular argument in our household at the moment but really came to a head this morning. To be honest I think we are both probably being unreasonable but I just need to have a bit of a rant!
We have two DS's 7 & 3. Both have caught every bug going since September. This morning DS (3) has D&V. We do have family nearby who help out a lot but can't have them this week due to other commitments.
Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off when the kids are poorly and he's done maybe 2 days in the past 12 months. I've suggested I take today off and he does tomorrow. My reasons for this are that my office is down quite a few members of staff this week and I've been asked to pick up extra work so my being off is not going to go down well at all. At least if I can show that I'm trying to make it in for one of the days Ds needs to be off it looks better.

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

I just think it's so unfair that he just thinks he can go to work everyday without any thought for childcare and that it should be solely my responsibility to sort it all out. When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 28/02/2023 07:41

Your husband is making excuses because he doesn't want to look after sick kids and he thinks his work is more important than yours.
Tell him to do his share as a parent.
Urgh.

yhjn84 · 28/02/2023 07:41

He's an utter twat and I feel really sorry for you all being stuck with him. Let me guess, he's usually such a great dad and good husband 🙄

StarsSand · 28/02/2023 07:43

OP, get up early and be out the door to work before he can do the same. He'll just have to figure it out - the same as you have had too

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2023 07:44

He’s an awful partner to you, and an awful father to his children. He’s also stuck in the 1950s. He needs an urgent head-wobble and to step the fuck up.

Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off.

You should never have let this happen. And it can’t carry on. I’d be treating this as a make or break decision for him, to be perfectly honest. Ask how he’ll cope when he’s divorced and has the DC in his sole care on his parenting days?

RunTowardsTheLight · 28/02/2023 07:45

He is being very unreasonable.

manicthursday · 28/02/2023 07:46

He's completely wrong and there is simply no argument otherwise.

Ask him how he will manage for childcare when you divorce him, and he has to sort it on his days.

You are a partnership. The load needs to be split. I will admit our time off probably hasn't been 50:50 but that's been my choice and DH has always stepped up. We have always made the decision based on our schedules that day and how many days we've had recently and been open with employers about that which is always appreciated.

Maray1967 · 28/02/2023 07:48

My DH shared the times off for sick DC with me - right from when I went back to work over 20 years ago. Yours is very very wrong.

I would be organised tonight and up and out early in the morning.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 28/02/2023 07:48

If he didn't want to actually parent, then he shouldn't have become a parent.

The time to tell you he wouldn't step up when needed was before you started trying to make a baby; not after it had been living in the world several years.

He needs a wake up call. Fathers aren't men who push their child on a swing once a month, it's a 24hour job and sometimes that interferes with your salaried job; it's called parenting and he needs to learn how to do it as he's got decades left of it yet.

User473831 · 28/02/2023 07:52

I’d say it depends on your roles, my DH cannot do his job from home and for him to cancel a day of work would have a huge impact on other staff and customers. All my work is on a laptop so as long as I have that I can tick over, tbh I could almost work from my mobile.

reddwarfgeek · 28/02/2023 07:52

This is the reality for me too. I know how you feel, pressure to be at home versus pressure to be at work. It's horrible. Bloody men!
The best thing to do is go to work before he's awake. He'll have to figure it out for once.

Merlott · 28/02/2023 07:53

Did you remind him you took a step down career wise ?

In due course you will no doubt be the higher earner once again.

He needs to do 50% of all sick days no arguments. The legal rights and protections are the same for all parents regardless of sex. If he doesn't know his rights as a parent he needs to google it right now.

He has a ridiculous attitude.

TurnipSurprise · 28/02/2023 07:54

Sparklfairy · 28/02/2023 07:22

Yeah he's wrong. Neither of you can afford to lose your jobs so you need to spread the 'risk' so to speak by sharing the childcare.

Exactly this!

He's being very unreasonable!

Sceptre86 · 28/02/2023 07:54

Sorry but he's an arse. My dh made 3x what I did previously and we would take a day off each. We would work it out between us as to who had the busier day.

He isn't supportive of you working and that would be a problem for me.

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 28/02/2023 07:56

He is wrong. I am the higher earner but we split it 50/50. I manage staff and if one is taking leave to look after sick kids I always have a discussion with them about how this is being shared with the other parent. I don't expect my team to take the full hit.

WimpoleHat · 28/02/2023 08:01

He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does

Honestly - I’d be tempted to come back with something like “but unfortunately not important enough to pay enough so that we can afford for me to lose mine”.

People always throw out the “your job is just as important” line on feminist grounds - but this doesn’t always match economic reality if your partner’s job essentially pays all the bills. But that’s not the case here; you’ve said you need to work. So 50/50 is the only answer here.

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2023 08:01

I’d give him several options. 1. He steps down career wise as you have done this for the family and surely he values and appreciates that and is willing to take his turn? He does all sick leave so you can focus on building your career. 2. the bare minimum: 50/50 sick leave because your job matters too, and he isn’t going to be the kind of dick who takes the career sacrifices a woman has made to give the family children and says that means she doesn’t matter anymore. 3. he’s jeopardising your career so you withdraw all contributions to family finances, as you have to be prepared to live on big special Man’s earnings. Plus you need them as frankly you look at him and you don’t think my beloved, you think you fucker I will not let you treat me like a second class citizen because I cared for your children. At that point I would be mad and suggest he go in and tell them that he thinks that time spent with them is wasted as it doesn’t earn money. He has to decide tonight because as of tomorrow it’s option 3. You can offer to sell some of his stuff if big important Man doesn’t earn enough.

Naunet · 28/02/2023 08:01

He’s a selfish, entitled misogynist. Why should you risk your job just so that he doesn’t have to parent his own children?

Brefugee · 28/02/2023 08:02

tell him you are giving up work completely since he can't be arsed to be a parent. And he can pay 100% of all bills and some money into your private pension so at least in retirement you don't miss out.

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2023 08:02

I am the higher earner. I actually do more than 50% of the sick leave as I wfh several days a week, but if I didn’t it would be equal. Dh is on parental leave right now so I don’t do any of it and it’s awesome. I don’t get up at night with the baby anymore either 😁

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/02/2023 08:02

He's being an idiot. Your jobs are of equal importance. Are either of you entitled to 'family days' which exist for these reasons? Going forward it would be good to have a conversation about how yo manage this next time when you're not both stressrd about taking time off and feeling under pressure. Is he likely to be more reasonable then? I'd be really hurt if dh said things like that to me about my job and contribution being less important.

Goldenbear · 28/02/2023 08:03

My DH is a bit unaware of covering absences as he is away overnight for work sometimes, he is grateful on return but he's just been skiing with work and a client for a week, he earns 4x me but I have pointed out he has to do the Teachers' strike on Thursday as it is not sustainable for me to keep taking the hit. My DC are 15 and 11 so obviously not childcare really but my youngest is too young to be left with eldest why we are both working as work is an hour's commute.

GCWorkNightmare · 28/02/2023 08:06

When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

It didn’t have to be that way. It still doesn’t. Put your foot down.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 28/02/2023 08:09

he is wrong, you are right. Men taking an equal share in childcare is an active positive step towards equality because part of the reason why men tend to advance higher quicker is because consciously or unconsciously employers know that women are more likely to have other commitments. Men who leave it all to the mum are actively choosing to reinforce, support and perpetuate the patriarchy and this is an inherently sexist and abhorrent act.

he will not get into trouble at work, especially if he tells them today so that everyone who needs to know has notice that he won't be around tomorrow. He's just saying that as an excuse, unless his whole workplace is stuck in the 1950s (in which case he should leave asap) then the company will be well accustomed to dealing with occasional absences like this, because it's entirely normal for people to be parents and/or have occasional unexpected issues like this.

Jibo · 28/02/2023 08:11

GCWorkNightmare · 28/02/2023 08:06

When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

It didn’t have to be that way. It still doesn’t. Put your foot down.

This! Get your career back on track and do whatever you can to outearn him again. Then LTB.

ThinkPadQ · 28/02/2023 08:13

This is why employers sometimes avoid hiring women because they are the ones who keep taking the time off work for children's illnesses. Men are much more 'reliable' in that sense.

There is a woman I work with who has a husband but deals with the pretty much all the children's illnesses and appointments. We are constantly having to cover for her while he carries on going to work with an intact reputation of reliability.