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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with Dh re childcare

203 replies

barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 07:16

This is a regular argument in our household at the moment but really came to a head this morning. To be honest I think we are both probably being unreasonable but I just need to have a bit of a rant!
We have two DS's 7 & 3. Both have caught every bug going since September. This morning DS (3) has D&V. We do have family nearby who help out a lot but can't have them this week due to other commitments.
Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off when the kids are poorly and he's done maybe 2 days in the past 12 months. I've suggested I take today off and he does tomorrow. My reasons for this are that my office is down quite a few members of staff this week and I've been asked to pick up extra work so my being off is not going to go down well at all. At least if I can show that I'm trying to make it in for one of the days Ds needs to be off it looks better.

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

I just think it's so unfair that he just thinks he can go to work everyday without any thought for childcare and that it should be solely my responsibility to sort it all out. When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

OP posts:
Grumpybutfunny · 28/02/2023 08:49

Is DC not off for the teacher strike today? If he is I wouldn't mention the sickness bug and send him in tomorrow if he's not being sick. The 48hours just doesn't work for working parents as work places aren't happy for you to stay home with a well but isolating kid. If someone rang in today and said DC is sick I would be suspicious they just hadn't made plans for the teachers strike.

Could either of you work from home and put DC in front of the TV. We both work for the same employer, so only get one day off for either of us if DC is sick. Otherwise it's trying to get him back to school or find someone else. Luckily he's 9 so can just chill on the couch if one of us works from home.

I can see DH point if he earns considerably more, you need to keep his work place on side as if one of you gets disciplined it will be easier for it to be the lower paid. I am the higher earn in our house so DH does have to pick up more of the slack. Tho I often offer for him to do my job and I will be the house parent!

Unbakey · 28/02/2023 08:49

Was in this situation a few years ago.

I lost my job.

JE17 · 28/02/2023 08:52

Your DH is being completely unreasonable. If it’s as difficult for you to stay at home as it is for him, then you should share the burden equally. Earnings has nothing to do with it.

ClairDeLaLune · 28/02/2023 08:53

He’s wrong and he’s a twat. You’re going to run out of leave if you do it all, which will impact on your holidays surely? So he then gets to spend his spare holiday entitlement on days for him. Nah, fuck that.

bussteward · 28/02/2023 09:01

He’s wrong. DP far outearns me and is in a career where the earning potential is higher, and he always takes his share of time off with sick DC, and nursery and school runs, etc. He’s more grumpy about it and more likely to try to get me to help out during my workday but that’s a personality thing not a job thing. They’re his kids too and it sends an important message in the workplace that children and childcare aren’t just a women’s issue.

Guis · 28/02/2023 09:03

The third party in this conversation are the employers.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 28/02/2023 09:04

And what will he say when you lose your job as a result of all the time YOU have had to take off to deal with DC that are BOTH your responsibility?

DH has always out-earned me but was always willing to take his fair share of this type of scenario. Your DH, whilst I understand is keen to keep his employer on side as he earns the higher wage but at the end of the day, the DC are both your responsibility; not just yours.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 28/02/2023 09:05

maddening · 28/02/2023 08:16

Tell him he can either take the time off or source childcare for his half of childrens sick days from his oh so high salary, he takes 50% from now on.

And I would be going back full time and rebuilding mu career so I was not disadvantaged and dependent on a twat.

and definitely this!

autocarrot · 28/02/2023 09:06

WimpoleHat · 28/02/2023 08:01

He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does

Honestly - I’d be tempted to come back with something like “but unfortunately not important enough to pay enough so that we can afford for me to lose mine”.

People always throw out the “your job is just as important” line on feminist grounds - but this doesn’t always match economic reality if your partner’s job essentially pays all the bills. But that’s not the case here; you’ve said you need to work. So 50/50 is the only answer here.

Agree with this.

bonzaitree · 28/02/2023 09:08

He is 100% in the wrong love.

You both work full time and you both need jobs. Sick children are shared 50/50.

it would be interesting to know your approximate salaries and the difference - eg £20k and £30k or whatever.

My friends fiancée recently pulled this one on her. Turns out he only earned about £5k more!!! And he was lording it over her like he was on £100k more than her.

IneedanewTV · 28/02/2023 09:09

He is wrong. You are right. But I’m not sure how you change it. My ex h was like this. Even when we divorced I did all of the sick cover. Society is still structured that way for women to take on the majority of childcare and cleaning.

Sleepless1096 · 28/02/2023 09:10

He's wrong, but if he refuses to be reasonable you have two options as far as I can see. The first is to just walk out the door to work tomorrow and leave him to deal. He only gets away with this because you've been backed into being "default". The second option is to book an emergency nanny who will look after sick children (which will be £££) and have the bill sent to him.

Blankscreen · 28/02/2023 09:10

We have this in my house.

DH out earns me 6 times and I don't actually need to work.

So if I lose my job we are still ok. I work Flexi hours and do all the childcare while DH works until about 7 pm every night./travels with work.

I would say if both salaries are needed then both jobs are equally important regardless of earnings.

He does use his holiday to spend with the children and is a great dad and husband but if there is a docs appointment or illness then it is me that picks up the slack.

Enko · 28/02/2023 09:11

Op you are not unreasonable. Next time though ask. Do you want to do today or tomorrow? Basically state the expectation he will do 50%

Go in with the view he is equally responsible and if he tries anything else reply "no that doesn't work we are equal parents here"

Sometimes delivering it differently catches them off guard.

Sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. I hope you don't catch the bug.

Mademoiselle14 · 28/02/2023 09:12

He is completely in the wrong here! If we have a poorly child then we have a sensible conversation about who has the more rearrangeable day and decide from there. I earn slightly more than my husband but I’ve found with the seniority at work I actually have a bit more flexibility so it’s often easier for me to do it.

Cornelious2011 · 28/02/2023 09:12

He is wrong. He doesn't get to chose to opt out because he's the higher earner. I'm the higher earner but my job is more flexible (manage own diary and wfh a few days). I do 99.9% of sick days and all holiday care (work term time only). However it wasn't always like this and in my previous role if dc was sick we'd look through our diaries and see who has something on that couldn't be changed. Sometimes this meant we'd do half days each. He's being a dick.

StarsSand · 28/02/2023 09:13

There is a woman in my team who always takes the time off when her children are unwell or need anything.

Obviously I can't say anything but it pisses me off when I know her husband has a job with carers leave and could just as easily take time as well. For whatever reason, in their relationship they've decided it must always be her.

But - Why am I constantly inconvenienced while his employer is never inconvenienced?

It absolutely impacts your career progression when you are far less reliable than other members of the team.

If you want to overtake his salary again, you need to share the load more.

Leave in the morning. Let Moneybags find a solution himself. I'm sure he can pay for a wonderful nanny if his presence is so essential.

billy1966 · 28/02/2023 09:13

Selfish man.

Crap husband and crap father.

Stop putting the career of a man that clearly doesn't have your back ahead of your own.

Big mistake to make.

This is who he really is. Selfish.

Amy8 · 28/02/2023 09:15

This is controversial

I'm the breadwinner and If I lose m my job , it would compromise more for our family and my work culture is just more demanding - so I'd expect him to be more flexible as he has a different work life balance

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 09:16

How secure and flexible is his job? To me, yes both parents should share the time off to care for sick children, but the fair share isn’t by who earns the most, or a default 50/50.

The fair share is based on how much time off would each parents’ employer tolerate.

bussteward · 28/02/2023 09:17

My friends fiancée recently pulled this one on her. Turns out he only earned about £5k more!!! And he was lording it over her like he was on £100k more than her.
Men are WILD.

maddening · 28/02/2023 09:18

Amy8 · 28/02/2023 09:15

This is controversial

I'm the breadwinner and If I lose m my job , it would compromise more for our family and my work culture is just more demanding - so I'd expect him to be more flexible as he has a different work life balance

So to avoid compromising his career you find a solution for your 50% - eg emergency nannies. Your role as breadwinner and having everything hanging on your head would be lessened if you are both able to progress in your careers.

RudsyFarmer · 28/02/2023 09:18

I don’t think it’s quite as simple as 50/50 being the only acceptable outcome. Who has the most flexible job?
Sometimes one persons job lends itself to being more able to WFH than the other.

I knew going into parenthood that I would be responsible for all childcare. That was what we agreed on. DH will not take time off unless I’m on deaths door and even then I’m not sure. So I went from being a SAHM to now working PT at a school. What did you agree on when entering into parenthood?

CowboyHat · 28/02/2023 09:20

Salary has absolutely not bearing on the decision. You both can’t afford to/don’t want to lose your jobs therefore you both need to be flexible and not piss off your employers.

Your husband sounds like a grade A t**t.

TheOrigRights · 28/02/2023 09:22

HRTFT, but my first response to this is to roll my eyes and tell the oh so important person that if they're so bloody important then they should easily be able to take time off.