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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with Dh re childcare

203 replies

barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 07:16

This is a regular argument in our household at the moment but really came to a head this morning. To be honest I think we are both probably being unreasonable but I just need to have a bit of a rant!
We have two DS's 7 & 3. Both have caught every bug going since September. This morning DS (3) has D&V. We do have family nearby who help out a lot but can't have them this week due to other commitments.
Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off when the kids are poorly and he's done maybe 2 days in the past 12 months. I've suggested I take today off and he does tomorrow. My reasons for this are that my office is down quite a few members of staff this week and I've been asked to pick up extra work so my being off is not going to go down well at all. At least if I can show that I'm trying to make it in for one of the days Ds needs to be off it looks better.

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

I just think it's so unfair that he just thinks he can go to work everyday without any thought for childcare and that it should be solely my responsibility to sort it all out. When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 09:23

Amy8 · 28/02/2023 09:15

This is controversial

I'm the breadwinner and If I lose m my job , it would compromise more for our family and my work culture is just more demanding - so I'd expect him to be more flexible as he has a different work life balance

I'm the main breadwinner in our family too. I earn several multiples of what DH earns. Regardless, I always shared care of sick dc with DH when dd was younger.

It has nothing to do with how much you earn. If one job is more flexible, then that does make a difference. Often, higher earners are more likely to have flexibility as they tend to be more in control of their own schedules, but it varies from one job to the next.

The default is that both parents should share the load. It doesn't matter if one person brings more income into the family, if the other person's job is important to them. Work is not only about the money that it brings in, it's also about a sense of achievement, self esteem etc. I would never have dreamt of telling my DH that his job was less important.

We never stuck to a rigid 50/50 split. We evaluated each occasion on a case by case basis with a view to who could take that particular day off more easily. So if one person had an important meeting or presentation that couldn't be moved, that would take precedence. Mostly, it worked out OK. Sometimes our schedules clashed horribly but we managed to sort things out between us because we had a mutual respect for each other's jobs. I probably ended up doing a bit more overall, because I was more senior and it was easier for me to be flexible.

gold22 · 28/02/2023 09:24

I would write up an email resignation to your boss and forward it to your husband to let him know that's what you're going to be doing as clearly you're not required to work

FamilyLife2point4 · 28/02/2023 09:25

You can remind him - that if you weren’t living together, he’s have DC 50% of the time (if this was his half of week) he’d have to sort childcare for both days - your only asking he do ‘some’ of it.

what a self-centred piece of work

miawallacesfeet · 28/02/2023 09:25

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/02/2023 07:37

Isn't it? Surely by definition it is. But I agree he should be doing more than 2 days in 12 months

Of course it's not.

Or do you think a nurse is worth less than a lawyer?

That's a whole another question. Why do we pay people differently?

roseopose · 28/02/2023 09:25

He's wrong. I work 3 days, DP full time and we work out sick days according to who it would affect least at any given time, eg if one of us has something big on at work or has spare annual leave to take for it. DD had a stomach bug last week which I took a day off for and managed to do some WFH during, then this week I have all my rescheduled work appointments from that day to catch up on so DP has taken a day off for DD as she has a horrible cold. In the situation you describe he absolutely should take the day off and let you go in.

RadioactiveWear · 28/02/2023 09:26

I hear you. My DH moans that I don't have a very high-paying job, and I only work 25 hours a week. He's been working away for 3 weeks and yesterday my stress levels went thru the roof as I was juggling work, with pick-ups and train cancellations. Then I had to make tea and do the washing.

It is my day off today and you'd think I was kicking back with a bit of Phil and holly, and painting my nails when instead I have 2 school drop-offs/ pickups, clean the house, walk the dog, wash and ironing, admin and a food shop to do.

Scottishgirl85 · 28/02/2023 09:26

Perhaps remind him to be a proper husband and father, otherwise 50-50 time split following divorce will result in him missing a lot more work for emergency childcare :-)

CharmedUndead · 28/02/2023 09:27

Obviously he's 100% wrong.

You need to prioritise your work and get your wages back up to where they were. So it's even more important for you to be at work.

MsNightingale · 28/02/2023 09:28

We've always judged it on a case by case basis - who has the most meeting commitments that day, whose deadlines are most critical, that sort of thing.

On a longer term basis, though, you need to get your career back on track so that you are protected in the future.

5foot5 · 28/02/2023 09:30

Of course he is a selfish idiot, but you know that don't you.

Our DD is an adult now, but when she was small DH never considered me the default parent, even though he earned the higher salary. If she was ever ill and needed to stay home we would compare days to see who could most easily take the day off. If it was likely to be more than a day we would try and share it.

Urnotthebossofmenow · 28/02/2023 09:31

He's nasty.

I hope your DS doesn't overhear all of this. You don't want him feeling like it's his fault that he's poorly (and probably feeling absolutely rotten!!)

Could there be a reason why your DH is so eager to go to work instead of caring for his sick little kid? 😕

early30smum · 28/02/2023 09:33

Haven’t RTFT.

My DH had this argument SO many times when we both worked FT. I was so upset/angry and it really made me feel like my contribution to the £ pot didn’t mean anything. BUT. This was years ago, pre covid, pre more flexible working. He worked in an industry where taking days off to look after sick kids was just pretty much unheard of- and he was constantly worried about losing his job anyway. Ridiculous, high pressure environment always with the worry of it all going wrong.

So, I am NOT saying this is right. And I am not saying he was right not to step up, but in SOME cases, (for both men and women!) unfortunately there is this culture. I do think it has got better since covid, but not enough. We would have been absolutely screwed if he’d lost his job over mine.

Now he has a much more flexible job, and I went PT, so it’s all ok again. (And I was happy with that).

It’s hard and I hear you. And yes, he should be doing more. But it’s possible he’s feeling very, very worried about losing his job, which I imagine you might be too. Communication is key. I wish we’d talked more about it at the time instead of just shouting at each other.

BringMeTea · 28/02/2023 09:36

He thinks he is more important than you full stop. If he doesn't change his attitude I would leave. Flowers

Groutyonehereagain · 28/02/2023 09:37

You are not being unreasonable @barbiedinosaur , your DH is being unreasonable and a twat to boot.

RosaBonheur · 28/02/2023 09:40

When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

Wow. He wants to have his cake and eat it, doesn't he?

musingsinmidlife · 28/02/2023 09:44

Would he actually get in trouble at work? If there is one person who can more easily take time off without jeopardizing their job it makes sense to do so. Of both people have benefits or policies that allow them to take time off without major repercussions, it should be shared - although not 50/50 as playing the checkmark for everything to be the same game never ends well.

Is he really stressed about work or a project at work? There are some weeks where if I missed a day it would wreak havoc and other weeks where it would make no difference depending on where we are in a project. Other jobs have busy stretches or times of year and quieter times of year or whatever. I think the characteristics of each job matter.

If there is a chance that someone's job is jeopardized and they are the breadwinner, then you do have to be careful

LadyHarmby · 28/02/2023 09:44

If my DH expressed this kind of attitude, it would really make me question the whole relationship. He has no respect for you!

LadyHarmby · 28/02/2023 09:47

early30smum · 28/02/2023 09:33

Haven’t RTFT.

My DH had this argument SO many times when we both worked FT. I was so upset/angry and it really made me feel like my contribution to the £ pot didn’t mean anything. BUT. This was years ago, pre covid, pre more flexible working. He worked in an industry where taking days off to look after sick kids was just pretty much unheard of- and he was constantly worried about losing his job anyway. Ridiculous, high pressure environment always with the worry of it all going wrong.

So, I am NOT saying this is right. And I am not saying he was right not to step up, but in SOME cases, (for both men and women!) unfortunately there is this culture. I do think it has got better since covid, but not enough. We would have been absolutely screwed if he’d lost his job over mine.

Now he has a much more flexible job, and I went PT, so it’s all ok again. (And I was happy with that).

It’s hard and I hear you. And yes, he should be doing more. But it’s possible he’s feeling very, very worried about losing his job, which I imagine you might be too. Communication is key. I wish we’d talked more about it at the time instead of just shouting at each other.

I understand that some jobs make it difficult. But employees have rights and cannot be fired for taking an occasional day to look after a sick dependent. So I don’t feel that argument from these husbands really washes.

Monkeybutt1 · 28/02/2023 09:51

I don't understand where this mentality of you can't have time off without getting in trouble/sacked comes from. Your employer has to allow you reasonable time off to care for sick children/dependants albeit it can be unpaid. People don't just get fired for asking for time off unpaid or annual leave when their children are sick. If I worked for someone who threatened that I would be looking for another job.

Cherryblossoms85 · 28/02/2023 09:52

what a dick. See how his earnings look when he's divorced.

early30smum · 28/02/2023 10:03

@LadyHarmby no I totally agree with you, and it shouldn’t happen. But it does. Imagine a culture where you’re the only one with kids. Lots of younger colleagues with no kids and stay late/come in early etc. Never take time off for dependents. Of course the dad (or mum!) taking time off to look after a sick child shouldn’t be penalised in whatever form that takes, but it does happen. Like I say, I do think it’s got better since covid forced employers to be a bit more flexible but there is a long way to go.

As an aside, I also believe that often husbands take this line when there is no more chance of them losing their job than flying to the moon. Just as a cop out. So I’m not saying the OP’s husband shouldn’t step up!

AdelaideRo · 28/02/2023 10:05

My male colleagues do 50% of their children’s sick time. I’m a doctor.

I’d think less of them tbh if they didn’t.

my (male) friend who is now really senior makes a point of ending his working day to do the 5pm after school club pick up and telling people what he is doing as he feels he has scope due to his position to normalise men prioritising their families and their wives careers.

Redbone · 28/02/2023 10:10

He is wrong. When mine were small we took it in turns to take the day off although, at that point, my DH was earning a lot more than me.

UpUpAndAwol · 28/02/2023 10:10

He’s definitely wrong. Plus I’ve found the higher up you are the more flexible you job is to work from home or manage your own day. Completely depends on the job but this is my experience. There is much less “getting into trouble at work” for the higher paid/more senior. A manager working at home for a day is completely different to a retail worker who can’t make their shift. Plus the former still gets paid. This is part of the reason why some people have glittering absence records and others don’t.

80s · 28/02/2023 10:16

Unbakey · 28/02/2023 08:49

Was in this situation a few years ago.

I lost my job.

Same here. Couldn't make him take any time off and lost my job.