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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with Dh re childcare

203 replies

barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 07:16

This is a regular argument in our household at the moment but really came to a head this morning. To be honest I think we are both probably being unreasonable but I just need to have a bit of a rant!
We have two DS's 7 & 3. Both have caught every bug going since September. This morning DS (3) has D&V. We do have family nearby who help out a lot but can't have them this week due to other commitments.
Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off when the kids are poorly and he's done maybe 2 days in the past 12 months. I've suggested I take today off and he does tomorrow. My reasons for this are that my office is down quite a few members of staff this week and I've been asked to pick up extra work so my being off is not going to go down well at all. At least if I can show that I'm trying to make it in for one of the days Ds needs to be off it looks better.

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

I just think it's so unfair that he just thinks he can go to work everyday without any thought for childcare and that it should be solely my responsibility to sort it all out. When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2023 13:05

Tell the arsehole that you may be 'unequal' in salaries but you are equal in parenting. If he wants to play the 'out earning' = less responsibilities game, tell them that now, therefore, all parenting decisions (including spending money on them) are yours and he has no say in how your children are raised, where they go to school, what activities they do, when they see their grandparents. Because according to him, you are more their parent than he is.

It's so funny/not funny to me. DH and I used to argue over who got to stay home, not who had to stay home when the DC were ill. I just don't get these men who think they should be able to cherrypick the 'fun' parts of parenting and leave the scutwork to their wives/partners.

DashboardConfessional · 28/02/2023 13:12

Igniteyourbones · 28/02/2023 12:51

Totally untrue. Absolutely no way a Childminder would accept a child with D or V into their house. I am an ex-childminder and they all have very clear policies that unwell children are not allowed to attend. It is a health and safety risk to the other children in the setting. If a Childminder accepted a sick/contagious child into their home then all the other parents would be fuming (rightly so!) …….. I also worked as an emergency Nanny and the agency absolutely would not send a Nanny into a house where a child or parent has D or V……….. The only exception is if you employ a Nanny on a permanent contract, they would still be expected to work when the child has any illness, but the OP does not have a Nanny so it wouldn’t be relevant to them.

Show quote history

Absolutely, thank you. If a nursery setting says no children in until they are 48 hours clear of D&V, where are those magical childminders who welcome the sick kids? They'd be permanently off sick themselves!

AnneElliott · 28/02/2023 13:54

Agree with everyone else that he's BU. If he's so senior with a big salary then surely he manages his own diary?

I outearn DH and have done for 10 years. I also have the more flexible job so have done more of the sick days as I can wfh. But if the Minister wants me (civil service) then I have to turn up unless I myself am actually dying. And DH knows that and does and has cancelled client meetings as a result.

If he's such a big shot then he can make it work by moving all of the important meetings - just like the rest of us.

roarfeckingroarr · 28/02/2023 13:56

Can one of you wfh with the child there? At 3 and 7 this wouldn't be too bad for one day

beAsensible1 · 28/02/2023 13:58

really you should be pushing him to take on more than 50/50 if your career has taken a hit so you make progess back a level which adjusts for the time lost in maternity.

He's taking the piss.

Urnotthebossofmenow · 28/02/2023 14:59

I've never known of a childminder to take a sick child on. What a stupid idea 🤣

Anyway, a sick child needs the love and care from their own parents. Not a random childminder.

NoMoreLifts · 28/02/2023 17:46

Shinyandnew1 · 28/02/2023 12:48

How is her DH wrong when you didn't do your share of taking sick days at all? According to most on here both people need to do 50% of sick days regardless of their jobs or paid leave. So you didn't do your share but her DH is wrong for not doing his share?

I looked after them whenever they were ill in the holidays.

And presumably you looked after them when they were well in the holidays too 😁

Iggi999 · 28/02/2023 17:50

Your dh can get to fuck. Honestly, you will be the one always off. So you won't be viewed as very "professional" and hence not get opportunities in the future. So his pay and prospects will continue to rise while yours stagnates.
Every man who does his share makes things a bit easier for the next man or woman who needs time for childcare. What is actually wrong with him. This would be a line in the sand for me.

Merryoldgoat · 28/02/2023 17:51

My DH and I are in a similar position. He takes more leave than me because he has more holiday.

Oh. And because he’s not a prick.

Oigetoffmylawn · 28/02/2023 19:25

DH earns 3 times what I do and we take 50/50 time off. During COVID DH took most of the time off.

billy1966 · 28/02/2023 19:36

Hayliebells · 28/02/2023 12:54

Yes indeed, but it's predictable isn't it? The refusal to do his share and compromise, isn't the only way that this man will display his dickheadedness. It's not surprising he's being something manipulative and controlling by pulling the silent treatment, because he is not a decent person. Decent people do not proclaim that their job is more important than their partner's, and then refuse to discuss it. If I were the OP, and presumably this isn't the first time he's been a dick, I'd be reassessing the marriage.

Show quote history

He's punishing her.

It's what nasty abusive men do when they don't get their way.

You can be sure this behaviour isn't in isolation......it never is.

Silly woman taking a step back in her career to facilitate a selfish nasty man.

I keep reading it on here, so sad.

When will women learn not to give their power away, it makes them so vulnerable.

He's just another bully who is happy to have children as long as he isn't put out by them.

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2023 19:37

HE isn’t speaking to YOU?? How dare you expect your child’s father to play a practical role in their life, how dare you. Stop being stressed and get mad op. This isn’t what you signed up to and if you’re married it’s a mockery of the vows he made to you. ‘I solemnly vow to treat op like she doesn’t matter as a human being, to treat her job as lesser than mine, to disregard any sacrifices she has made to ensure we have our beautiful family…’ bet he didn’t say that which would have been honest.

cakewench · 28/02/2023 20:03

DH and I both work full time, DH earns FAR more than I do, and he would never do this shit. The only reason he would even pause would be if he had something important on his calendar which required him to be there in person, and even then he would try to change it if I had a conflict.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP.

ChildminderMum · 28/02/2023 20:10

His job's not that important if he's not able to support his family on it!

Your job is just as important to your family finances - or maybe you should suggest to him since your job isn't necessary you should just become a SAHM to stop all the stress?

Childminders don't take sick children, and even if nannies do they earn £30-50k so out of reach of most working families.

Original poster
barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 20:20

Sorry I haven't been back yet, been trying to deal with poorly Dc. Just to confirm although Dh earns more than me it is not in a big important role. Between us we earn around 50k so he doesn't earn massive amounts he just earns more of that than I do. The problem is that his job is a labour type job and the whole industry seems to be very misogynistic. His managers have often mentioned that 'he has a wife at home so she should be doing the childcare'. So I do understand in a way why he doesn't want to ask but then I think by him not asking it's just feeding in to that bullshit.

I mention the amount we make because it obviously rules out some of the suggestions for a nanny etc. I've sat down with him tonight and explained how stressed out and run down I am about the whole situation because it's happening more and more. He's saying all the right things and agreed he should take tomorrow off but I know as soon as it happens again this will all pan out the same way again.

When I'm feeling a bit better and less stressed we need to have a proper conversation about it all. I need him to understand that unless he is going to completely replace my wages in his job then he needs to split responsibility. My job may be low paid but I really enjoy it and it's something that I want to keep doing, so we need to compromise.

OP posts:
cansu · 28/02/2023 20:25

He is wrong. You are right. He needs to also take some of the hit. We used to have rows about this but it was one of the things I held firm on.

Iggi999 · 28/02/2023 22:10

he has a wife at home so she should be doing the childcare
but he doesn't have a wife "at home", does his boss not realise you have a job??

Coolblur · 28/02/2023 22:24

Years ago my DHs boss said the same to him. As I earnt three times what he did at the time, he said he would have to leave if there was no flexibility ever. What he actually did was get promoted to supervisor so it was his job to make these decisions. He found that those he managed were happy to give and take as long as he was happy to be flexible with them at times.

londonmummy1966 · 28/02/2023 22:59

I think that the best wa to address this is to tell him that you are withdrawing all of our financial resource from the household to "practice" living on his income for when you lose our job as he isn't stepping up. Also the obvious answer to his colleagues saying he has a wife at home to look after sick DC is that he doesn't have a wife at home as they don't pay him enough to support a family so his wife has to go to work so they have to accept that he has to take his turn at child care. DOubt he's man enough to say that though. I second PPs advice - get up and go to work early tomorrow so he doesn't get a chance to revisit the argument. You can also then tell your manager than you're aware that it is crap when thye are so busy and you had to take a parenting day so you've come in extra early to try and make up for it a bit. Always a good idea to give a bit back when you've had to take something.

StarsSand · 01/03/2023 01:45

@barbiedinosaur

Your DH should respond that he doesn't have a 'wife at home', he has a wife at work and both of your incomes are necessary to meet the cost of living.

Justforthissnippet · 01/03/2023 01:49

Not read the whole thread, but just wanted to note that when my career progression slowed due to my maternity leaves, my DH (who progressed beyond me, same industry) in that time stepped up to do more of this than me so support me to catch up again.

Ponderingwindow · 01/03/2023 02:26

The default is he does half the sick days.

I do more than DH because my work is flexible and they don’t care if I make up the hours on the weekend. Another couple might have someone in a job where they truly have difficulty taking a day off at short notice and a that might warrant a different split or having some other backup plan.

it sounds like he has a perfectly normal job and can take care of his children just as well as you.

sashh · 01/03/2023 03:20

He doesn't have a 'wife at home', he has a sick child at home, what sort of father doesn't want to be with a sick child?

StarsSand · 01/03/2023 04:03

Justforthissnippet · 01/03/2023 01:49

Not read the whole thread, but just wanted to note that when my career progression slowed due to my maternity leaves, my DH (who progressed beyond me, same industry) in that time stepped up to do more of this than me so support me to catch up again.

Same here.

And as a result I was eligible for promotion, my income went up and my DH was able to swap to part time work because I was earning more than him.

It worked out well for everyone.

JudgeRudy · 01/03/2023 04:09

He's wrong and he's being a chauvinist pig. Scare him. Let him see you hunched over your laptop with a calculator. Tell him you think he's right after all and that it might be best if you resign and concentrate on women's work whilst kids are young. Of course, the posh car would have to go and he wouldn't be able to go for his lads golf weekends, but you'll do your best to help out financially as you've seen a little part time job 3 evenings a week at the Co-op/local pub/ chippy. It won't bring in much but at least you won't have to worry about childcare coz he'll be at home. You can have an early tea with the children and plate his so he can microwave it later after he's put the boys to bed.