How come some people ’get it all’, or nearly all, and some people really don’t get to have anything - other than a shit sandwich of a life?

[TabooOfNoSex]

It is baffling to me.
It really is.

That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.
Nevermind have multiple things on that list.

And then are people who got fuck all…

Now, please don’t hit me with the comparison is the thief of joy, this is not about that obviously.
And I know I get told IABU, just having a little sad vent now that I’m once again feeling nothing will ever work out for me.

But still!
Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?
Something to make this life worth living.

You are allowed to feel how you feel. X

I think it’s often based on how your early childhood was.
If you’ve had a crap home life it can take a lot of work to be a contented adult.

Thank you♥️
Honestly, I think reading this is exactly what I needed.
So thank you.

I have been thinking this today but I've hit despair due to my redundancy / unemployment / loneliness / worthlessness

Some people just know a person who knows a person with a good job vacant.

Me? nobody I know knows anyone that can help 😂

😭

One of those things lads to the other though. If you have good parents who love you, you will grow to be secure which will increase your confidence. This in turn will make it easier to make friends and form relationships

What's occurring op? Do you want to talk?

I believe this has a lot to do with it.
I mean that’s where self-esteem, how one views themselves all begins and it keeps coloring the way one views things and themselves and then their behaviour also. And it all just keep on piling on.
Either in more positive or negative way.

My life looks like this from the outside, however, it has also been marked with tremendous grief.

I think we all have our row to hoe in life. I feel best when I focus on my blessings and work at staying positive. I am not suggesting that is easy, but at minimum you have to remember you don't know what it's like to live in someone else's skin.

I’m about 2/3 through my shit sandwich, can’t eat anymore!

A lot of this stuff leads on from each other. Not always but good parents usually equals a decent start in life, better health, better learning environments, feeling self secure and confident - which generally leads to good and healthy friendships and relationships, better jobs, higher income etc.

It can take a huge amount of hard work to undo a poor start in life for which you, that child, hold no blame or responsibility.

You are entitled to feel this and there is a lot of truth in it. Life isn’t fair. Some people get things you desperately want or need when you don’t. And it sucks.

Question you should ask yourself though is whether you think that perspective is justified in general in your own life or whether you are just in a bad blip.

It’s not so much “comparison is the thief of joy” (although I do think this is very true). It’s more a version of the Serenity Prayer: “how much of this is in my control? What can I do to change it? And if I can’t, how do I make peace with it?”

What do you want to happen to make your life better? How can you achieve that?

Agree, I once did an OU course on life chances. It basically says having life chances early on, increases the life chances throughout your life. More you had, more you'll get.

I found that very profound (and as as person who had many life chances and just didn't realise how I'd benefitted from them).

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it

I was just discussing this with a friend today...life is often down to luck but those who are lucky often don't consider that they are fortunate. They assume you "make your own luck" but that's not the case. S

If you were born with good looks, health, intelligence and caring parents then you have a great start to life...likely to mean you stay ahead for all of your live.

My children are extremely fortunate for a number of reasons and I know they have a higher chance of a happier life as a result.

I can totally see this.

And thank you for asking, it means a lot.
I’m more stuck in life in which I don’t like and I don’t really have anything/anyone in my life.
I’m in theraphy right now and it has made me see that this really isin’t how it’s supposed to go.
I had really numbed myself until then, so at the same time I’m glad to have woken up, but at the same time going through the pain of realization of it all.

Whoa this is interesting!

I'm currently trying to gain the courage to relocate 200 miles away. Itll be better for jobs, general life, better housing market etc. Something in what you wrote has made me suddenly think about relocation a bit more seriously. Better to move now and try to have a better life than to stay and waste (literally) my days away X

Success breeds success, and it starts in the womb, with who your parents are and how your mother behaves during pregnancy. This is why there is so much discussion about social mobility - it's incredibly difficult to break out of the cycle into which you were born for a huge array of reasons - lack of role models, cultural expectations, lack of confidence etc.

YANBU. But I will say that lots of people often tell me how envious they are of my life, as it does certainly seem that fate has been kind to me in many ways. And I actually agree that it has - I have a lovely husband, the most wonderful baby boy, and another baby on the way. I have a modest but safe, comfortable home. Lots of the "typical" cushty life things - nothing absolutely amazing but I do just have a simple, pleasant life now.

But very few people know about some of the rough stuff I've had to go through, some of it quite extreme. I had a good five years where the series of unfortunate events I went through was almost comically unlucky. I am a very private person so I don't share things like that with anyone apart from my husband if I can help it.

I feel obliged to say that I'm happy enough with life now that even with the worst things I've gone through feel worth it if it's the price I've had to pay for good luck now. But I suppose I would just say that sometimes people have very unfortunate things happen that you would never know about.

I was just discussing this with a friend today...life is often down to luck but those who are lucky often don't consider that they are fortunate

I know I am fortunate in many respects. However, I’m not sure how acknowledging that helps those that aren’t. Some things aren’t transferable.

I can't put into words how much I agree with this!

My childhood was not well funded financially. I had undiagnosed conditions I struggled with. Divorce. Bullying. YET, I had a beautiful, super loving childhood. My parents made (and make) me feel so unshakeably loved. Now I'm an adult, I really feel very solid in my belief that life is good, that my life is good, and I make the most of anything that comes my way, to the best I can.

On the other hand, a colleague I'm now good friends with, had a rough upbringing at home. Dysfunctional parent relationship, the dad checked out, the mum hitting the dad and having frequent rageful meltdowns, feelings weren't allowed. Nowadays, she objectively has far more materially than me and is more financially secure. Yet she is never happy.

I hope that doesn't come across too twee. Mental illness, depression etc can affect anyone, good childhood aside. But I think a loving childhood sets the tone, the inner voice for life feeling ok.

I just wish there was a way of getting obstinate teens to understand how much their life chances are improved by trying their best at school.

Obviously it is easier for some than for others, but the wasted chances we see are deeply shocking, particularly if you then see the same children grow up in your community, and have nothing, when you knew at school that they could have got qualifications and choices

My life has been shit from the get go.

If I was to list it all here, there would be cries of troll. It’s been relentless.

Every year there is something horrible. Nothing that can be helped or changed, and certainly nothing that looking on the bright side or seeing the good in things would have stopped or helped (I’ve had that helpful bit of advice more times than I remember).

Tomorrow, my consultant tells me when he thinks I will go blind. That came out of the blue from an eye test I had last year. It’s almost unbelievable. I’m so detached at the moment that even I don’t believe it. I couldn’t even go for a routine eye test just to see if I needed glasses as I was getting older without something terrible being found.

I’ve got PTSD and I’ve had therapy but I’ve had four things happen in my life that have caused PTSD. Its almost laughable.

I’m in my early 40s and I’ve been living in survival mode since I was a child. There has never been a tomorrow for me - life is just about getting through the day. Because of that I never progressed in life. I had no ambitions, I never thought of a career, or university - every day was just about getting through that one without a disaster happening. It’s always been the same.

Things like being bullied or not having supportive parents didn’t help. But nor did my mum dying horribly when I was a child and my dad falling into awful depression and our life spiralling because of that. Now I am going through the hell of their dementia and frankly, uncaring and borderline abuse care homes.

Other people seem to sail through life. It’s fucking unfair.

@WibblyWobblyJane - I've had lots of loss in my life, from a young age but still consider myself fortunate relative to others. If you have friends, jobs, loving relationship,financial security you are very lucky.

Op, life is harder for some people and it isn't fair..not sure what the answer is?

Is that's why reincarnation is a theory so people put up with life hoping it's better in the next life??

I agree a lot of it stems down to your childhood, which can affect how you view things too. If I told you my life circs you'd most likely put me in the shit sandwich category. I feel quite privileged though, and I think that's because I had a relatively good childhood where I wanted for nothing (in the material sense). I don't desire 'things' and get a lot out of the small circle of friends/family that I have. I also don't desire any romance been there done that which massively helps.

*That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.*

Most people I know who appear to "have it all" arrived there by hard work struggle and many challenges; and they still have lots of problems.

It's to do with early childhood.
Secure maternal/infant bond, safe secure foundation with no adverse experiences.
A child brought up in a home with domestic abuse, alcohol, drug use, chaotic parenting, multiple different partner for parents, no enforced boundaries will have a poorer outcome.
Poor school attendance= poor achedemic outcome= less likely to access higher education= less likely to have secure job.
Exposure to DA as child= more likely to enter relationship with DA/ be DAer. Also lower expectations in partners.
And the list go"s on

I think about this now I'm in my 40s.

When young I think me and my peers just assumed we'd all have that happy ending- love marriage DCs, career, decent house, nice holidays, nice car.

Now we've got to the age when you're expected to have these things it seems like a lottery of who got what.

I think you're given the message at school etc that if you do the right thing you'll get what you want in life. Eg study hard, get good grades, 'rules' of dating, travel when young, etc.

But it just doesn't work like that.

No one actually has it all.

It's bloody depressing.

I'm telling my older DCs to put real effort into all these aspects of life as they won't just magically happen.