How come some people ’get it all’, or nearly all, and some people really don’t get to have anything - other than a shit sandwich of a life?

[TabooOfNoSex]

It is baffling to me.
It really is.

That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.
Nevermind have multiple things on that list.

And then are people who got fuck all…

Now, please don’t hit me with the comparison is the thief of joy, this is not about that obviously.
And I know I get told IABU, just having a little sad vent now that I’m once again feeling nothing will ever work out for me.

But still!
Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?
Something to make this life worth living.

Isn't that fairly obvious though? If your parents are educated, and wealthy (even moderatly), and healthy, you are much more likely to be born healthy and stay healthy, and be well educated. You are likely to have a higher IQ, and if you ahve problems, you will be more likely to have much more help with them. All this means you are likely to have far more choices in your life, and choices are what matter.

I imagine that some people think I am one of the enviable, lucky, easy-come ones. Maybe I am. I live in an expensive house in central London which my husband and I bought through our own earnings (and stressful speculations). I have two beautiful children, conceived very easily in my late 30s. (Here I know I really was lucky.) I have some very good 20+ year friendships (was at school in a different country so none really from them). I appear from the outside to have good health, I should think. I am thin. I have nice clothes. I am successful in my career. Blah blah.

I am lucky. In many ways. But my life has been damaged from the start by mental illness, firstly parental mental illness (bipolar, alcoholism) and then my own (bipolar). My life is ruled by medications, and a large part of my 20s is a washout of manic sprees, addictions, and depressive hospitalisations. If I could have my marriage and children and not fear insanity, suicidal urges, losing everything due to some manic caprice, I would give the rest up in a heartbeat. I am profoundly envious of anyone who is happy and calm.

I often fall into your pattern of thinking, too, OP. Mine goes like this: no matter what I do (ie achieve, being lucky to have fallen into a career at which I'm talented) I have never been and never will be 'happy'. Some people just have to wake up, and they (seem anyway) to feel a level of contentment, serenity and quiet joy that would for me be a peak-lifetime experience.

I have a theory about this.

There are different modes for the game of life: casual, easy, moderate, hard and expert. Those people that sail through life? They got casual or easy mode. Others, like me, got expert mode.

But here's the thing: you get the mode you are capable of playing. If you get expert mode, it means you have the innate ability to play in that mode and win.

Once you realise this, your perspectives change. And "winning" becomes something very different indeed because what ever happens, you know you have the skills to solve the issue...because otherwise, it wouldn't have happened. You never get more than you are capable of dealing with. You've just got to figure out how to do it.

The problem is that no-one tells you about the modes*, so if your life is hard, you are left feeling shit and as though you've somehow done something wrong or you are a bad person. You haven't and you aren't. You are just playing the game on a higher level than other people.

*there are a lot of obtuse references to this concept in both religious, philosophical and esoteric works, but no one ever seems to talk about them because they are so unfashionable.

OP you can’t see what goes on behind closed doors. Plenty of PP have been honest enough to tell you that their ‘perfect’ life is less than perfect. You just don’t know.

We all do the best we can based on our experience, knowledge and capabilities. The key to happiness is gratitude but it's easy said than done.

Massive confidence comes with engrained privilege. And its gets passed down for generations, as does anxiety and risk aversion.

It definitely felt like this when we were struggling financially and had little ones to cope with, seemed like a constant barrage of strife. My friends and family enjoying their lives without a care it seemed.

I'm older and wiser and realise that we are all struggling with something. My best friend is the ultimate optimist and post's the most lovely positive things on social media. I know her deepest darkest struggles and she knows mine. I don't think we truly advertise our toughest times.

Even when you experience mental illness or bereavement or physical illness as a richer person or a person with a lovely circle of family and friends you still fare better. Life happens to all of us but if you are privileged you suffer less because money and friendship and resilience from a great and nurturing childhood all equip you to sail through the shittiest of life's shits but when you are poor for example you're getting fucked from every side and angle of life, literally no break. No nanny or cleaner or therapist or loving parents or friends to support you, fuck all.

I honestly think therapy is the way out of bad luck and bad beginnings. If you have self knowledge and understand others better, your self esteem and ability to survive the shit that life throws at you (and make the right choices) just grows. It really does.
Also life without struggle is not really a life (though of course you can have too much struggle).
Good luck OP. Don't give up.

I do think it’s partly to do with attitude. Honestly I’ve always been quite lucky. I’ve travelled, got a degree, have a relatively easy job. I own a nice house. I don’t think I’ve ever worked terribly hard at exams or at jobs.

I am the product of a single parent on benefits on a rough council estate and I would say that made me resilient, capable and self sufficient.

Twenty years ago as a young woman I was finding work on websites like anywork anywhere in Europe and used that to travel. Then onto Australia for a year came back; same people in the same pub having the same conversations. There’s so many opportunities especially when you are young to expand your view of the world by going and seeing it.

I think it’s people who aren’t afraid to break out their bubble and take the opportunities available to them are the ones who often do well.

I appreciate that’s quite anecdotal but it’s my opinion.

I wasn’t lucky or in any way privileged until I was violently attacked.
It was life changing for many reasons (ptsd, loss of job, huge strain on relationships etc etc etc) but after a year of drowning in ‘life’ I decided to say a big fuck you and I have a better life than ever before. Obviously a lot of therapy helped but I am a better person for it.

It’s your parents. My parents had nothing but we were loved and prioritised and taught good values about work and life. None of us are lucky, we’ve all grafted for what we have, and still had plenty of shit thrown our way, but plenty to be grateful for.

I’m not at all good looking but I don’t care about that either, another credit to my parents!

On the flip side, DH had an abusive childhood that was utterly horrific and he had no luck - he’s always kicked when he’s down, but his attitude has seen him through to success (in terms of life and happiness, not wealth)!

OP, just wanted to say that I really understand what you're saying and I enjoyed reading the many thoughtful posts on the thread that reinforce where you're coming from.

There's a lot out there at the moment about the first 1000 days of life (which is roughly up to 2 years old, including the 9 months in utero). Roughly, the theory goes that if your parents can keep you safe, not expose you to trauma or addictive substances, keep you well-nourished, and meet your needs for secure attachment, for the first 1000 days, then your chances of life-long well-being are high.

Many kids don't get anything like this start in life. Many kids are struggling well before their 2nd birthday.

It's really sad and really unfair.

However, I saw the flip side of this when I lost a friend to suicide in her 20s. She objectively 'had everything' - was loved, had adoring well-off parents, was beautiful and clever.

At her funeral the minister said: one of the mysteries of life is that it doesn't matter if we are in 6 feet of water, or 6 inches. In one unlucky moment we can still drown.

(To be clear, she didn't drown herself!) It was a metaphor for how big our troubles seem to other people, and how we react to our suffering. Some people are tough enough to swim through the 6 feet of water, some will drown in just the 6 inches.

It stayed with me. I do think every life has suffering in it, though obviously some much more than others.

Sending you all best wishes. x

My parents had nothing but we were loved and prioritised and taught good values about work and life. None of us are lucky

Do you not see that you were incredibly lucky to have the parents that you did?

Everyone, however they seem outwardly has their own shit going on. I am in my 70's now and when I think of people I have known in my past and now in my present, they have all had some disaster/sadness/inner demons in their lives, to be able to accept it (if at all possible) not dwell on it, and try to continue in the best way possible is the only way to cope.

This is a very complex issue.

I have had what most people would consider an 'unlucky' life in many ways, in that more of those life-changing, life-threatening and life-ending moments have happened to me and those I have loved more than is typical at my age (mid-life).

That said, I have one amazing parent (and one not so great one) and I think having one amazing parent is enough to cushion you and give you enough emotionally to survive the bad luck.

My children have had a very traumatic upbringing due to the above issues, I hope that my love for them will be enough but I do waver and they show signs of the type of difficulties that come along with traumatic times, unfortunately.

I am actually quite happy in some ways despite the things that have happened as I'm able to enjoy everyday life mostly, even in the dark times and again, that's a luck thing IMO.

But here's the thing: you get the mode you are capable of playing. If you get expert mode, it means you have the innate ability to play in that mode and win.

This is such complete and utter bullshit.

If everybody got the "playing mode" they were able to cope with, there would be no addiction, no serious mental health issues, no homelessness etc. Do you think people born into war zones are born there because they have an innate ability to cope? What utter tripe.

Life isn't fair. The world deals out blessings and trauma, good fortune and bad, utterly at random. That is obviously hard for you to accept, but it's the truth.

Some bits of good fortune (e.g. good parents) are so significant they can outweigh many other bad things. Others are less so. But it's ultimately all just random chance.

I am the one who always has the shit luck.

No friends, get used and forgotten about easily.
Single.
Unattractive.
Chronic illnesses.
Not close to family.

I don't get it either. I am a kind and good person but it never seems to work for me. I think it's just luck of the draw at times. I wish I had been born like others where friendships, love and close family as well as half decent looks had been given to me. Makes me sad everyday.

I totally agree with you OP. I've had some sad things happen in my life, but overall I consider myself to have been overwhelmingly, incredibly lucky.

I have no idea why. Most of it is not of my own making - just a case of being in the right place at the right time, meeting the right person, being ready to start on the property ladder when prices were low, being lucky enough to have healthy kids who are also lovely people, having good job opportunities presenting themselves at just the right time...

These are all things that could so, so easily not have happened, or gone badly wrong, and believe me I'm very conscious of how lucky i am, and count my blessings all the time.

I can't take the credit for the vast majority of what has gone right in my life, and equally I know there are plenty of people who, through no fault of their own, have a very difficult life. It's definitely not fair.

Such an interesting, thought-provoking thread. I agree OP that some definitely are more blessed than others, and I'm sorry yours has been a tough road (so far).

My thoughts:

Luck is a huge factor, and health is the most precious commodity of all

I personally think deep, strong, supportive family bonds is the single biggest advantage in life

I just don’t understand why all parents aren’t like this to be honest. Absolutely baffles me!

Totally random. Sure, some of it is down to decisions/hard work. But the big stuff (good and bad)... random. Health/relationships/when and how you die. There's not a person keeping score "so you were lucky in 2012 so you'll be unlucky in 2013". Everything is basically chance. I am ok with that, by the way. And I was born with fucking brain damage. That was just really bad luck. That's all.

I think most parents would raise their kids with love if they could choose, all things being equal.

But lots of 'bad parents' are addicts trying to run from their own trauma, or are in poverty, or in poor physical or mental health, or are in violent relationships, or are in prison... Often it's the case that 'bad parenting' is cycle going back multiple generations, encompassing most/all of the above.

I genuinely think that aside from a tiny minority, most people are doing their best within the parameters available to them. Don't be baffled, be kind.

Of course it's not random! The deck is stacked before you were born, and gets restacked again and again, reinforcing those metrics.

Whatever it is, little of it is random.