How come some people ’get it all’, or nearly all, and some people really don’t get to have anything - other than a shit sandwich of a life?

[TabooOfNoSex]

It is baffling to me.
It really is.

That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.
Nevermind have multiple things on that list.

And then are people who got fuck all…

Now, please don’t hit me with the comparison is the thief of joy, this is not about that obviously.
And I know I get told IABU, just having a little sad vent now that I’m once again feeling nothing will ever work out for me.

But still!
Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?
Something to make this life worth living.

I think a lot of it is mindset.

There was a woman who had meningitis and lost both her legs as a child.

She then grew up and got hit by a car and lost her arm.

She then got cancer.

And she was so incredibly positive.

I don’t think I could cope if I was her and I’d just think what is the point if every time I try, life just beats me down again.

Some people are just unlucky when it comes to health and it puts everything else into perspective.

I still believe it's both nature and nurture. Even with loving parents and a stable home, in a family you get different personalities. I'm youngest of 3, and I'm the most content. Ds's primary friend, is 1 of 4, and his mum says all 4 of hers are different personalities, different varying levels of stability/anxiety and extrovert, despite coming from the same loving family.

MN children are probably better off than most, because most posters here care, talk about how best to ......wean, which GCSE's to take etc.

I think appearances can be deceiving & you never really know what is going on behind closed doors.
This was a few years ago now, but someone spent several hours telling me how lucky I was nice house, job etc.- at the time no-one knew my husband had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. We were still in the discovery stages & didn't want our children to find out in the wrong way/to have questions that we couldn't answer.

I agree with the impact of childhood, I also think it's about that continuation of that support as an adult - there's a huge security in knowing that no matter what happens and how bad things get that you have people who love you who are always on your side.

There is always the element that you don't know what goes on in people's lives behind closed doors (I am very lucky to have all the things you mentioned in your original post and my life looks great, and it is for the most part - but I also have complex ptsd and find life really difficult and triggeringa lot of the time) You are right though, life definitely isn't fair.

Like it says in the Bible, "For to him who has will more be given; and from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away." I guess it must be just a natural law - it can't have been that they thought God had decided it was a good way of arranging things!

I've thought thin myself OP

This not thin ffs!!

Life isn't fair.
Who your family are. How bright you are. Your life experiences. Health.
It just isn't fair.
You can make the best of your situation. It might mean you have a health condition you can do nothing about but do the best you can regardless.
At some point realise that no matter any difficulties of the past you can decide how life goes forward for you now. And to find value in yourself and not rely on someone else to provide it for you.

For to him who has will more be given; and from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away

It’s worth noting that that verse refers to insight into Jesus’s message, not material goods, talent, influence etc.

Interesting thread. Every sympathy for those posting who have serious health issues, bereavements, bad things happen to them in childhood etc, which are totally out of your control. However with a lot of the things people are talking about (jobs, relationships, housing etc) there is normally a lot that most people can do to help themselves and you are better off taking ownership of your decisions rather than playing the victim and comparing yourself to others. Few people are totally unemployable, totally unable to get a partner, or have absolutely no choice over where they live - so if you are unhappy with your situation there’s normally something you can do to improve it.

I think it is a combination of your start in life, your personality, your resilience, your wherewithal to seek help/problem solve, your propensity for mental health difficulties, an unfair social system (which dictates a lot of how things go for people), and on top of that sheer good luck or bad luck.
People with the better start are probably less likely to have some of the difficulties those with a bad start face, but personality, propensity for mental health problems and luck all get in the way and can either make things better, or de-rail life.
The only thing I can offer, having been through a very difficult period of my life, is that having clarity on your values and what you think is most important in life is vital to feeling content. In that mindset you can appreciate the smaller, simple things that make life enjoyable and stop striving for things that are not meaningful. The ability to get through hardship though is of course dependant on the factors above, not least financial stability - which doesn't buy happiness but removes a huge source of worry and allows you to seek support.
I'm sorry for everyone having a difficult time x

And also - acceptance that life is just intrinsically chaotic, no one is owed a balance of good times and bad. It really does help to overcome those gutting feelings of it's not fair erc

An awful lot of it is absolutely random. Yes, childhood and education are key factors but even if you've had a brilliant childhood and excellent education, life still throws curveballs at you. Yes, a lot of it also depends on choices you make. But lots of healthy people suffer serious health conditions for no obvious reason, lots of people suffer marriage breakdowns through no fault of their own, lots of people lose their jobs or businesses through no fault or their own (look at the effects of Covid lockdowns on business failures!).

The best you can do is put yourself in the best possible position to weather life's storms. No guarantees of course, but with a good education you're more likely to have a good job/career, and more likely to have independent earnings/finances in case of relationship breakdowns. (People can also become financially successful after poor educations, but less likely). If you are careful with your diet, don't over-indulge with alcohol, don't take drugs, you're more likely to be able to get through a serious health condition (or live longer if it's something terminal). Avoid drugs and you're less likely to suffer from MH problems. Note I say "more" or "less" likely - there are no guarantees! It's all probability not certainty.

My OH has terminal cancer. It's one of those cancers that has no known causes - apparently just purely random, maybe some genetic tendency according to statistics but none of his relatives have suffered it. He's never smoked, never drank more than one or two drinks at social events, never taken drugs, done regular sport/exercise, healthy weight, etc, so his diagnosis knocked him for six as he really couldn't have done anything more to avoid it! The "good" thing, if there is such a thing, is that he is/was so healthy generally, that he's responded exceptionally well to the treatment and has already lived well beyond the "normal" life expectancy after diagnosis and still going strong, so his healthy living may well have helped him through treatment and extend his life - according to his oncologist, his treatment will continue for as long as it keeps the cancer cells from spreading and the healthier you are and the better "lifestyle" you have will increase the effectiveness of the chemo and reduce the impact of the side effects!

Shit life - A lot of it is down to poor choices .
Good life - making the most of opportunities that come your way , positive outlook and grit to change your lot

Ah, that makes sense. I thought it was a general rule! (Especially as it does seem to happen that way with material goods etc.)

I met him in a pub and we liked each other so we started talking and that built into a relationship.

Continuing that relationship for 22 years has been work, it's not perfect, he isn't a perfect human being and neither am I.

We disagree about lots of things but we handle that by either

• talking it through till we come to an agreement or compromise
• talking it through until we realise we can't agree but we can respect/tolerate each others view point

We keep the humour, both sarcastic and dark humoured and neither of us take life too seriously.

We accept each others faults and play to our strengths. He has no career drive, is doing the same job for the same salary now as he was 10 years ago. I've quadrupled my salary in that time and pay the lions share of the household finances.

He's more emotionally intelligent, funny and artistic. He could play silly fun games with DD for hours and be enamoured by it while I'll be bored and just playing along 30 minutes in.

He was there for me when both parents died, I was there when his alcoholic dad died, we've supported each other through illnesses, job losses, infertility etc and enjoyed each others company through the good times.

You could say it's luck that we met in the pub that day, but everything that happened afterwards was decisions. The decision to stay together when things get hard, the decision to approach a situation calmly rather than to give into anger, or fear or upset and start a fight, the decision to overlook differences and try to find common ground, the decision to treat each other as equals and to share workload and responsibilities, the decision to have conversations about what's bothering us rather than bottle it up, to work together to find solutions, to call out when something is important to either of us and to agree on what is important to us collectively as a family.

The Frank Grimes/Homer Simpson episode is springing to mind reading this thread.

upbringing has a lot to do with it. Better education means more knowledge, which can equip you to make better choices. Connections.
external circumstances are unfair. A terminal illness. A disabled child. Redundancy…
but someone who has a good support network and a believe that things will work out for them will have better resilience to deal with that too, and they will still cope better/ have more than someone who was already struggling/ has no support network

I think it’s a matter of perspective.

I could describe my life as: single mother of 2 DC with additional needs who are incredibly challenging. Own chronic health problems (registered disabled). Head permanently fucked by an extremely abusive relationship which caused my physical health problems too. Not rich. No husband, never likely to have one, and have to do everything myself. Small circle of friends. Don’t really go out to social events at all.

OR I could describe it as: mum of 2 wonderful kids who despite their difficulties are pretty cool humans. Part time job which I love and is fulfilling, and pays enough money to live. The past hasn’t been great but makes me appreciate the now. Have a lovely bf who lives far away and I don’t get to see much, but I love dearly and enjoy the time we do get so much. Some close friends who completely love and accept me for who I am and vice versa.

This.
People who look at the positives live longer and happier lives.
Also what you see from the outside is not all it seems.
The woman who wanted my life a need and went all out to get it now see what it was really like.

There is no reason to expect life to be fundamentally fair, it's entirely random, a genetic / geographical lottery. It's the job of our society to try and iron things out a bit ( unless you are a Tory, that is).

I agree with the comments that upbringing has a lot to do with it, not only whether you have a "good" start in life (as that invariably creates more opportunities) but how you are taught to view life and its challenges, how resilient you are to stresses.

I genuinely believe that a positive outlook makes a massive difference. All the people I know who seemingly have shit lives spend their time moaning about their shit lives, they do nothing to help themselves. It almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I could’ve written your post OP. I’m really sorry.

Honestly if there were a painless way to die tomorrow I’d absolutely take it. I’m not even 40 and I’ve just had a gutfull of it.