How come some people ’get it all’, or nearly all, and some people really don’t get to have anything - other than a shit sandwich of a life?

[TabooOfNoSex]

It is baffling to me.
It really is.

That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.
Nevermind have multiple things on that list.

And then are people who got fuck all…

Now, please don’t hit me with the comparison is the thief of joy, this is not about that obviously.
And I know I get told IABU, just having a little sad vent now that I’m once again feeling nothing will ever work out for me.

But still!
Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?
Something to make this life worth living.

Sorry but I don't agree. Putting everything down to luck is convenient but only serves to remove responsibility from your actions.

There is a certain elements of good fortune but changing one's mentality and choosing to apply for opportunities isn't luck.

Building self confidence isn't luck.

Being born with good health and functioning limbs, absolutely is luck. But I think you need to be able to better distinguish things that you can/can't control.

It is entirely possible to acknowledge that my ability to do XYZ is a matter of luck, while still taking action and doing the thing.

Building self confidence isn't luck.

It is if your upbringing is conducive to it.

And what if it isn't? You can't make a conclusive statement like, "confidence is luck" if it's not true for everyone.

Building confidence is something that most people can do for themselves. Putting it down to luck is just lazy.

You're lucky if you're born into a loving, cosseting family and 'may' have a better chance. But the crux is the 'may' because there's a huge element of self determination.

Again, it would seem that people need to understand what is and isn't within their power to control.

I'm currently living in Bangladesh and you are right. People in Britain don't realise quite how incredibly lucky they are to live in a country with "free" healthcare, education and a welfare safety net. The poverty here truly is staggering.
I think people living in Syria must be wondering what they did to deserve their "shit sandwich" too. Young adults there have lived a life of civil war, living amongst rubble and disease, and now the earthquakes. I know life isn't fair, but Syria seems to be getting the seriously thin end of the wedge.

This thread is such a good example of the fundamental attribution error in practice.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamentalattributionn_error

People attribute their own successes to their own efforts and others' failures as character flaws.

Successful people always underestimate how lucky they've been.

There's no doubt that starting off well in life, sets you up in life.

I think there's also something in terms of the "Laws of Attraction'. And your thoughts, I know for myself if I start my day off badly, it can make my whole day horrible and vice versa. So extrapolate that out to a lifetime.

Exactly.

For example - one of the benefits that a private school education is frequently described as bestowing is a sense of confidence. A sense that you can achieve anything you want in the world. Coming from a secure, loved background, or knowing that you have will always have a financial cushion because of your family have a similar effect.

Whether or not you are born intoa certain type of background is luck. Nothing more.

That's not to say that other people can't develop confidence, but all people have the odds skewed for or against them in ways they have no control over.

If you are sucessful/happy, it is reassuring to tell yourself that your successes are down to you, that the world is fair and just. But the root causes of many things (including significant aspects of our personalities) can often be traced back to random chance.

For every resourceful refugee from a warzone who battles the odds to make their way to a place of safety, there are several more who were unable to do so because of reasons beyond their control. They might have tried and failed, or they might not have been able to try at all due to age/disability etc.

Pointing to that one successful refugee and saying, "See - it is possible, it's just a question of mindset!" is pretty offensive.

It’s all a lottery in one sense. But you can’t totally dismiss personal effort.

I have a big extended family and the ones in my generation who are most “successful” are not the most intelligent, personable or the most healthy or good looking. It’s definitely the one’s who’ve grafted and put in the most effort and really stuck at things. One of them developed a new business while receiving hard core chemo. They are running that business now and it’s doing well.

Someone with a personality disorder due to severe childhood trauma isn't going to be able to just develop some self confidence though. The number of people who are navigating the world while dealing with disabling trauma-related issues is huge.

Childhood experiences have such a huge impact on someone's chances in life - its hard to overstate how significant your childhood is.

I consider myself a lucky person btw. I have a good career, amazing DH, lots of friends, happy life. I've had hard times, but there is no secret pain hiding beneath my surface. I'm very fortunate.

But I know that I am only able to do a lot of the things I do because I happened to be born intelligent, able-bodied, healthy, to parents who (while they weren't amazing) did do their best. They instilled many beneficial behaviours in me and prioritised my education. I was born in a relatively prosperous country, at a time in history when I had good opportunities to pursue happiness. At work, I've had to work hard, but I've also been in the right place at the right time on a few occasions.

The efforts that I've personally put in have obviously had an impact on my life, but if I'd been born in a different time or place, to different parents, no amount of effort would have enabled me to get where I am now.

This is sometimes the case but I have seen cases where children have had the exact same upbringing and by the time they are teens/adults their lives are totally different.

this happened in my family, same upbringing, one sibling married to a great person, everything going well in life, work hard for what they have got and children doing well at what they have chosen to do. Whereas other sibling, smoked weed, drank , chose partner unwisely, flitted from job to job, bought things impulsively and are living a shitty existence of benefits, drinking and loneliness due to their attitude,

your life and how you lead it is all to do with your outlook in life, your work ethic, morals and attitude with a little bit of luck thrown in too.

Is that example of yours 'most'? I doubt it.

I appreciate people love to throw in outliers but I said most people have the ability to build their own confidence. That is true, like it or not.

There is no rule. Only generalisations. I agree that upbringing plays a part but as I've said above, there is an element of self determination.

But yet again we have words popping up like 'responsibilty' and 'lazy'. Which are very often used when you start talking about lack of success and the reasons behind that.

I agree that your attitude and self confidence does play a part, but success often leads to an improvement in both and failure in erosion of both.

Failed risk after failed risk to improve your situation is often seen as stupidity, a series of hair brained schemes that would never work, yet if one of them does pay off, then it was a great idea, and the difference between the risk paying off or failing is often that bit of luck one way or the other.

You can take as much responsibility as you like for a failed risk, doesn't change the fact it's failed.

I feel similar about myself... some people really do have all the luck in terms of health, wealth, relationships, job opportunities just falling into their lap, decent parents etc etc, other people seem to have mixed luck which seems to even itself out over time.
And then there's me who just has constant low level bad luck and misfortune, permanently poor general health, only ever earn just enough to pay all the bills, every time i do manage to build up a bit of savings you can guarantee an unexpected bill comes along to wipe them out and never the slightest hint of the financial windfalls that most other people seem to get.

I agree.

The ones who survive on such a trek do so through a combination of luck, agency and circumstance. I suppose for me what it boils down to is passively accepting your circumstances and those who use their agency to seek to change their circumstances.

It will not always work out and there are some people who never seem to have any luck. However I think on average people who use their agency to take opportunities will do better than those who don't.

Depends what your 'failed risk' was surely? Some poorly thought out 'get rich quick' scheme you found in your junk mail folder or a carefully researched business plan? Both might have failed as a venture but I would have more sympathy and respect for the person trying to execute the latter then the person doing the former. Some people are crap at taking responsibility over things within their control and lazily cite 'luck' as the only factor that someone elses lot is better then theirs.

Success is 99% failure (Soichiro Honda). Your attitude to failure is what's important as is your ability to be resilient.

Isn't this what we teach our kids? I have.

I do careers events and one thing I always say is to not be afraid of failure. We have such an aversion to failure that it often prevents us from doing anything. Yet failure is an opportunity to learn.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insane. Learning from your mistakes, changing and trying again is not.

"The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude to the problem"

The presenter of Great Lives on Radio 4 I sometime listen to said many or even most featured had difficult childhoods or early set backs in life - he sort of suggested it was almost a pre requisite but its a select group the ones who got passed the hurdles and lived long enough to find the successes they did and thus get a mention on his show.

Life is not a level playing field - some people thanks to genetics or ancestors start with massive advantages - and some piss all those away - others have huge hurdles to overcome to even get anywhere.

There is an element of choice as well - though even there you can make all the right choices and suffer bad luck.

We had about 6 years when we did everything right and every time we looked to be getting back on track we got hit with yet another set back. In end we took a calculated risk of a move and it paid off.

It's seem to be to be a complex and unique mix of genetics, environment, shear luck and yes personal effort and fortitude in face of adversities encountered.

OP

Life isn't fair. Which in itself is unfair

And I get how hard it is to be happy with your lot when things fall so easily to others

Bring adaptable, open to new ideas and curiosity and connection with people brings opportunities -several positively life changing incidents gave me opportunities because I saw them as opportunities rather than letting them pass by. I came from a very poor family and my comprehensive school was beyond chaotic but just had a go at things.
You can not prevent bad things happening to you you can frame the way you deal with them - one of the most positive people I know is paraplegic after an identity -he counts his blessings to be alive -says he was lucky that day he did not die.
Friends have expressed envy that by luck I met a lovely man but they never go out or go on dating sites or see anyone beyond their family.
I work with teenagers and we are doing no favours by encouraging a victim mentality - they are not expected to take responsibility for them selves -the answer to everything is ‘more support’ and o faint in later years they will blame ‘bad luck’ for their circumstances.

I don't think any of us have a lot to complain about, tbh.

Let's face it, if you have access to clean water and a flushing toilet today, you are in the better off half of the World's population, and your life is NOT a "shit sandwich" - which it quite literally is for half of all people.

The thing is, even being in the best off half of humanity, many people still feel hard done by, and these people would feel hard done by, whatever they had - look at them, they already have the best valuables in the world - water and sanitation!

I disagree about the link between wealth and friendships too, I think the reverse applies, actually.

Very wealthy people will never be sure who is a genuine friend and who isn't.

It's people with much less who know their friends have no ulterior motives to be friends with them, and genuinely like and care for them