How come some people ’get it all’, or nearly all, and some people really don’t get to have anything - other than a shit sandwich of a life?

[TabooOfNoSex]

It is baffling to me.
It really is.

That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.
Nevermind have multiple things on that list.

And then are people who got fuck all…

Now, please don’t hit me with the comparison is the thief of joy, this is not about that obviously.
And I know I get told IABU, just having a little sad vent now that I’m once again feeling nothing will ever work out for me.

But still!
Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?
Something to make this life worth living.

People don't like it when I point it out, but luck has a huge huge HUGE impact on a person's life.

If you're lucky enough to be born to decent parents.. of you're lucky enough that.your parents have good connections.. of your lucky enough that the college okays your application and not the one below it.. if the good uni thinks you're a good fit.. of your CV is top of the pile and the HR manager liked your white blouse at the interview instead of the man who had the same qualifications but had a green tie...if you're lucky and your child was born with no illnesses...if you're lucky to be healthy physically and mentally.. so on and so on.

what you do with the luck you're granted is important though, knowing how to take advantage of it etc.

Sometimes those with 'everything' have their luck run out and illness, accident or the wrong partner can screw their life into the ground.

And never ever discount nepotism..

The world is run by the lucky, who were born at the right time, in the right place, with the right assets - be they brains, beauty, money, social capital etc. throughout history.

The people at the top invented religion and the current religion of ‘I’m not lucky, I just worked harder than you’, which has replaced it, to make the unlucky masses ( and I’m talking about the global poor here) believe that this is how life ‘should be’ and that they are powerless to change it.

I truly believe that the day all those people wake up, will make the French Revolution look like a tea party.

It's true to some extent that adverse childhood experiences will have a significant impact (divorce, domestic violence, drug or alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, poverty, berevement at a young age) they can be very negative experiences. Also if your parents had adverse childhood experiences that can impact your life chances too. There are other factors which are just pure bad lack e.g being born with a significant disability, a disease which isn't down to lifestyle factors and so on.

You are of course allowed to feel a bit fed up but you really mustn't assume that some people have it all and you get all the bad luck. You don't always know what someone else is going through or what may be to come. Also there is always someone worse off than you, even if it doesn't feel that way.

Oh I must add as well - I do not believe that a bad childhood (in any way) "dooms" someone to have an unhappy life.

Well you’re not wrong OP, but the mistake you’re making is looking for some sort of “cosmic balancing”.

There is no meaning, there’s no god, there’s no plan, it’s a howling chaos. We’re all tipped out into that chaos and some get lucky, some don’t.

Don’t wait around for some cosmic being to give you a hand.

Children who establish good attachment profiles and have no ACEs tend to do well in life. The NHS estimates 60% of people in the UK had secure attachment.

This is not the same as an attachment disorder though for the remaining 40%.

I don’t think it is all down to early childhood. I think it’s such a mix of things.

I come from a large family with many siblings - so same parents, same house, same opportunities etc

but I’m the only one that finished university, and have had a successful career. I have a lot more ‘wealth’ than my siblings and that’s sometimes very hard. But some of my siblings made choices that lead to other consequences ultimately leading them to what their life is now. Some of it was about choices they make and some of it was a consequence of choices other people made that impacted them. I wasn’t the prettiest but I worked hard at school and believe my innate intelligence helped a lot. As well as seeing the mistakes my siblings made.

my life is not all rosy - for example with infertility and only having one child and multiple losses, but it’s definitely different to how I grew up on a council estate in an overcrowded house with immigrant parents.

@2bazookas Many people I know who "have it all" got there with the same effort as less fortunate people - they just had more luck or better genes from the outset.

We are not all created equally so effort for one person will not generate the same result as it does for another. One of my dc is incredibly bright, he does not have to work as hard as others, which gives him more time for hobbies, friendships etc.

Quite simply he is luckier than many. I try to make sure he knows that he has had a headstart in life, as I don't want him to look down on others, who might not achieve as much as he does.

I really don’t know OP why things go as they do for some.
My DH had “everything “, the safe, comfortable home etc, no money worries, perfect health etc. he has a diagnosed personality disorder (one often referred to on here but rarely diagnosed).
We lost our first DD at full term with a stillborn baby c and our only living Dc is severely disabled (she’s amazing but still).
Weve had to leave our lovely home to move to a place that we can make fully accessible, have had every issue going with that: architect ducking us over, Brexit raising building costs etc (we are nearly entirely out of savings and the work has just started). I can’t work because of DD’s needs.
There are big health problems in both families (as in brothers/parents etc).
He has had to live with me having PTSD for the past 3.5 years after I was assaulted by a doctor and the ramification of the ongoing litigation about that..

We are both highly educated but can’t earn a decent wage ..

I don’t think it’s just down to your start in life.

The short answer is, there are two sides to every story. You go to some poor countries, to some run down village in Lesotho etc., where people have nothing, and they'll be some of the happiest, most content people you come across.

I have a friend that on paper had everything. A multi millionaire husband who ran a successful business, massive house, gorgeous kids, jetted around the world. She was as miserable as sin - her husband was physically/mentally abusive, and her lifestyle of wealth actually made her feel incredibly guilty due to her working class background. She's now divorced, works full time, has a normal but lovely house, doesn't have anywhere near the dispensable income she had, and has never been happier.

It's all relative. I think the key is having your health. If you have that, you are blessed. I actually think the people who boast the most about their wealth and "amazing" lives, sticking it all over social media are by FAR the most insecure. People who have real money and class don't boast about it every 2 minutes via Instagram. One of my old bosses' in a previous job was a multi millionaire and very savvy businessman. You'd never know it looking at him though. Wore the scruffiest clothes, drove a 20 year old Vauxhall, and send his kids to state school. For a family that has a lot of wealth, again, you wouldn't have a clue as they are all very humble.

People don't like it when I point it out, but luck has a huge huge HUGE impact on a person's life

Yes, I have found this...some people get incredibly defensive when you discuss life success is often about luck. Sure you have to use your talents but everyone doesn't start from the same place.

One of life's great mystery @TabooOfNoSex

Some people seem to have it all, and some people seem to have fuck-all.

But some people are not always as happy as you may think.

With bigger families and big friendship groups comes lots of family dynamics and cliques. People 'high up' at work have lots of responsibilities and stress. People with parents still alive (who are envied by people who lost their parents at 30 or less,) have the responsibility (some may say burden) of looking after them when they are ailing and very ill. People who envy people who have children should remember parents have responsibilities for looking after them for a quarter century or more, etc etc etc... as well as the cost... People who own their own business/are self employed, have a lot of stress with worrying about sales and balancing the books/paying taxes etc. And if you are physically very attractive/fit and slim, people notice more when your looks fade or you gain weight (when you are older.)

With most things in life that look amazing and great (to some,) there are downsides to them. There are downsides to tiny families as well as big ones, downsides to NOT having children as well as having them, and downsides to having a lower-end/low pay job and not a high paid/high end job. No situation in life in perfect.

I think this is very true and it feeds into how resilient you are as an adult. I think for me, I felt better about things when I realised I'm not owed anything and I need to work for things. Some people will just luck out but the hard things in my life are the things that shaped me into the person I am and I'm proud to have come through that. And I think a lot is mental attitude, if you look for the things that are wrong you'll find them in every situation, similarly if you look for things that are good you can find them even if they are super small. I practiced that a lot when things were very hard and it really helped me be more resilient over time. I think for me its totally fine to have a period to 'wallow ' and feel down but if I let it go on too long it gets hard to get out from.

As I was growing up, one thing adults often said to me (in response to my childish cries or "it's not fair!") was "life's not fair".

And it's true. Expecting life to be fair will guarantee you misery.

^ cries of, not cries or

Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?

Nope. Survival of the fittest unfortunately. That's how the world has gotten to where it is now.

There are elements of luck to it too.

Nobody has it all. But yes some have more than others. Same in the animal kingdom. It' just is what it is.

I think attitude and approach do have something to do with it too.

On paper my life has been a bit of a shit show.

• my parents went through several stretches of being truly miserable, shouting matches, dad living in another country for long stretches or living here but working 18 Hr days, debt collectors at the door.
• by 28 I'd lost both parents, one to suicide, one to a long terminal illness
• I was bullied relentlessly through primary and secondary school
• I'm obese and have been since primary school, yo-yo'd a bit but never sustained, not particularly attractive, I'm not a complete troll but just very average looking
• I'm classed as blind in one eye and likely to lose sight in the other one.

But in reality I'm happy and have what others would perceive as a good life.

• I'm married to a wonderful man
• I have a fantastic child
• I've worked my way up from telesales on min wage to Director level in a Global organisation
• We have a house with a tiny mortgage that will be paid off by mid 40s

I don't think it can be said that I've just been lucky because I've dealt with a lot of what could be described as very bad luck and my parents didn't set me up for success through connections or financially, in fact they set some pretty crap examples, although I never doubted that they loved me.

If I set my mind to wanting something, I find a way to get it, so for example I keep up with accessibility developments for screen readers, MS Windows/Ipad functionality etc because it's likely at some point I'll need it and I figure it's best to get ahead of that because if I do go blind I still want to be able to do everything I do now (within reason), I also make decisions based on likely future scenarios so I have moved into a career where WFH is common and accepted, where technology would easily facilitate me continuing, I live near copious public transport and easy to access services like GP, shops etc.

Ahh @TabooOfNoSex have a hug and a glass of wine from me.

I hear you and feel you, and I’m on that beach right beside you x

This - I had a shit home life. Really shit.
it took me until my 40s to recognise abuse
I’m now with out the friendships I could have forged at university if I knew how to stop abuse

I think it's a combination of luck and effort.

Obviously if you have good health despite smoking and eating a terrible diet then you are very lucky indeed but mostly our lifestyle decisions catch up with us in our sixties and seventies.

You can also conversely live a blameless life, eat well, spurn alcohol and never buy cream cakes and be slammed by a hideous disease.

But at the same time I know people who have recovered more easily from a stroke or an accident than they otherwise would because they were in good physical shape to begin with because they had played a sport twice a week for many years.

I think intelligence helps so you make good decisions and it helps to have parents who model that for you as a child and teenager. For example, me and my siblings managed to use contraception for ten years or more and we were all lucky that we didn't get pregnant and were in loving and financially stable relationships before deciding to have DC. People can say that was lucky - and they are right - but it also involved a degree of planning, some abstinence and good sense on occasion so it wasn't luck alone but it certainly played a part.

A company I worked with a while back underwent a massive reorganisation and not in all cases but it was pretty obvious that those people who turned up on time and worked hard and didn't take the piss with holidays were the ones chosen to be promoted and to take up roles in the new company and those people who hadn't worked as hard were quietly let go with a pay off.

But you can also have awful chains of events happening to a family where one of their children get ill for example, or then one of the parents has to stop work, then they fall behind with mortgage payments and it spirals down from there. Or an adult breadwinner gets slammed by a mental illness or a work accident.

So it's a mix of things and your upbringing and subsequent life experience determines how well you cope with and can bounce back from adversity.

It obviously makes no sense to throw our hands up in the air and take no responsibility at all for our actions. Equally it's good to be aware that bad luck can strike at any time. So it's a balance between those two things.

A lot depends on how you look at life. I go round thinking positively, that's my natural default. So the car breaks down, never mind it's nice to walk. That type of thing.

There are 7 billion people in the world. Just being born in Europe is already like winning the lottery compared to many alternatives.
I think luck and genetics are the two big factors.
Genetics like positive attitude, some level of intelligence and confidence, physical attributes, and luck to provide opportunity that confidence (genetics) allows you to take.
But there is no rhyme nor reason to a lot of it.

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime, what do you helped you to meet a great DH ? Luck, secure attachment so you chose well or something else?

I know 2 sisters, both close in age, both married. Older sister married a man who has been highly sucessful (lucky as well as he benefitted from nepotism) consequently her life has been easier, not stress free or without some ups & downs but nothing too difficult. She has not had to work full time and has help in the home as well as paid childcare so able to cultivate hobbies & friendships.

The other sister's husband developed MS, so she became a carer and their standard of life dropped enormously as both unable to work full time. Husband died around the same time as their mum became ill. Same sister ends up caring for the mum so has never been able to fulfil her career. She hasn't had children either.

The difference in their lives is enormous and the root cause was the health & subsequent wealth of their husbands.

I’m sorry to hear of the OP and others having bad lives.
I’ve had a lot of crap happen in my life - bullying, bereavements, bad health, not having much family to speak of (cf bereavements), wasted chances.
But I do still feel lucky compared to a lot of people - dh is a good man, DCs are doing well atm, I have some amazing friends we have a nice house, and are financially ok.
i do have hang ups from my upbringing but I suppose I knew I was loved which may have made the difference. Too deep to go into in a public forum!!