How come some people ’get it all’, or nearly all, and some people really don’t get to have anything - other than a shit sandwich of a life?

[TabooOfNoSex]

It is baffling to me.
It really is.

That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.
Nevermind have multiple things on that list.

And then are people who got fuck all…

Now, please don’t hit me with the comparison is the thief of joy, this is not about that obviously.
And I know I get told IABU, just having a little sad vent now that I’m once again feeling nothing will ever work out for me.

But still!
Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?
Something to make this life worth living.

I was watching an interview with the actress Viola Davis. She had a very hard childhood, desperate poverty, hunger, racism, you name it. In the interview she said “Don’t mistake success for healing”, and I found this so profound. On the surface she has a wonderful life, is accomplished and successful, but the pain of her difficult start never goes away. Early childhood defines so much of what we are, who we become. It isn’t the whole reason, but certainly a defining factor.

And as for me, I used to think life, good fortune and bad, was fairly metered out, in some way. When I had my DS, he was born with multiple life threatening conditions, had open heart surgery, chemo, spent more nights in hospital during his first years than at home. I remember thinking, we must have maxed out on our terrible luck, surely nothing else bad can happen, we’ve had more than our fair share. But life doesn’t work like that. Our DS was doing really well health wise, until he suddenly went into heart failure and couldn’t be resuscitated. He was only 6, and was the sweetest, funniest boy that two parents could ever wish for. Life is so horribly unfair.

I've often wondered how come some people have charmed lives and some don't. I went for a meal with work colleagues on Saturday and felt thoroughly depressed when I got home. They still have both their parents (I don't), my dd is autistic and one of the other girls has two NT children so I had to listen to how well they are both doing. I found myself sitting there really resentful that some people have nice easy lives and people like me don't. I always feel the universe has something bad in store so I can never allow myself to feel happy.

I knew I'd get this kind of response from someone. You've misunderstood what I was saying.

It's a mindset. A perspective. Not some weird attitude of religious predestination.

If your life is suddenly beyond hard, realise it's hard or expert mode. Ask yourself: "what the hell do I do here? I must know at some level how to get out of this. I just need to find the way."

If people truly understood they had the skills and ability to deal with the circumstances of their lives, that they could survive, that there was always a way to change the situation for themselves, there'd be a lot less addiction and homelessness in the first place.

If you see yourself as a victim of luck or chance, you are immediately disempowered because you've devalued or disregarded your own agency: your own power to get yourself out of a shitty situation.

My grandfather survived a Siberian gulag as a teenager. He did that by relying on his wits, and understanding, implicitly, that there were always opportunities. You just had to look out for them, and take action when they arose.

Take that agency away, and people have nothing but hopelessness. Fatalism is a lethal mindset when you are in a bad situation. Both Levi and Borowski talk about this in their memoirs.

And thousands of people in war zones every year take action. They trek hundreds of miles on foot and sneak across borders, because they know they have agency. They know they have the power to change their circumstances.

Good parents, ffs. This is such a British way of looking at things.

This is some next level bullshit. Seriously cringing for you.

@Badbudgeter my mum said the same to me about opportunities and the fact that my parents both grab them whenever they appear; she believes this is why they have done well and succeeded in life so far.

I have to say that I do agree with them and that life can be a lottery that is what you make of it, especially the opportunities that come along. But if I'm honest, my life has been extremely fortunate in many ways but it seems to have been equally unfortunate in many others.

I was born 3 months prematurely, weaned off heroin, saved by the wonderful NICU doctors at King's College hospital, and given a fantastic adoption and upbringing. Equally though, the past few years have been very challenging and hard, and I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome, then a breakdown, which was followed by being injured by a medication given off label for severe anxiety and insomnia. I now have a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia which is a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined.

Yes, it's awful and I have had some very dark times but I'm also so grateful for my lovely, supportive and amazing family, 3 beautiful children, and a very kind and caring husband who has been with me throughout all of this. I also had other things like my brother passed away aged 34 from bowel cancer, and I had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery which was pretty scary, but it has now made me realise what is important to focus on and just how lucky I am to have what I am blessed with.

@Proudofitbabe yes, totally agree. Health is wealth as the saying goes, and I truly wished I'd valued mine so much more before it was very much a lot worse over the last few years. I think I would also agree with the saying "You don't know what you have got until it's gone", too.💔🥺

YANBU.

My life is a shit sandwich too OP!

You know some of the issue is that people who are successful seem almost offended or threatened by the notion that someone not as successful as them has/does also work hard, has made or is making sacrifices, has taken risks , has actually made good choices but they've not paid off to the same degree.
It's like acknowledgement of that somehow then devalues the successful persons work/sacrifice/risk taking and I don't think it does, or should anyway.
Maybe it's fear that we're not as totally in control as we like to think we are, we are to some degree at the mercy of other people's decisions, and luck too, but by convincing themselves they work harder, sacrifice more, make better choices, took risks then it can't be taken away because it's totally under their control.
People can believe what they want about their own success I guess, but it's when they start devaluing others - "Well if you're not as successful as me you didn't try hard enough, haven't worked hard enough!" The resentment sets in from people who are trying, who are working hard.

See that a lot on here.

There is a bigger issue here - no like button.
Agree entirely.

This is an interesting one, and I do think other posters are right that a good childhood at the outset can have a snowball effect. Someone once said to me that I’m like a cat who always lands on my feet… I think a large part of that is because I had a loving, financially secure, adventure-rich childhood which has followed me around my whole life. Both DH and I had parents were married, university educated, well traveled, and financially stable when they had us, and they strongly encouraged us to do the same. One small but quite life-changing example for us is that it was not intimidating or scary to have DH apply for a new job in an interesting country halfway across the world where opportunities might be better. It was not scary to set up a life and raise our kids in a place where we don’t speak the language or know the culture, because our parents modeled that for us as children.

Other things that my parents modeled which have, I’m sure, impacted my own life (and which have translated to my own parenting):

• screen time limits
• avoidance of addictive substances
• solid bedtime routines
• home cooked meals and healthy food
• valuing order and calm in the home
• love of learning
• heavy emphasis on reading
• emphasis on community relationships
• family mealtime at the table is sacred
• love for the outdoors
• love for music
• love for travel

My parents’ values still affect every aspect of how I live my life as an adult in my late 30s. I married someone with a similar life outlook, and together this is also how we are raising our kids.

We know that we are incredibly blessed to be financially, emotionally, relationally, and physically well off. It is sheer dumb luck that we have had good health and were born into our particular families and raised the way we were. Our childhoods weren’t without challenges, but there is no denying that the way we were brought up has had a massive impact on the decisions we have made and the way we have built our lives as adults. Anyone who says it doesn’t matter is kidding themselves.

I had great parents my dad died when I was 14. Our life has been hit by so many losses. Some of these posts here are very smug which isn't the point of the post it's for solidarity.

I think life is unfair and all we can do is play the cards we're dealt.

And thousands of people in war zones every year take action. They trek hundreds of miles on foot and sneak across borders, because they know they have agency.

Some do, sure. And then some of those will drown crossing the sea in an inadequate dinghy supplied by people smugglers. Others die in the war, in various horrible ways. Or simply suffer and starve because they are too young, too old, too disabled, or too ill to trek across borders.

Your message is offensive tripe of the worst kind.

Parents, good parents. And good health. That’s really all it boils down to. Everything else is linked to this.

Sorry, I didn’t intend to sound smug. My post was in response to people who seem to think that everyone has an equal shot at having a good life and that people can just bootstrap their way out of a bad life circumstance if they have the right mindset. The reality of it is that mindset itself, which massively affects decision making, does not come out of a vacuum—it is heavily informed by your childhood and early formative life experiences. That doesn’t even begin to touch the sides of sheer good or bad luck in terms of what happens to you that is completely beyond human control like death, natural disaster, etc. They say that to escape
the cycle of poverty, a family needs to have almost 20 uninterrupted years of nearly nothing going wrong. voorheescenter.uic.edu/news-stories/escaping-poverty-requires-almost-20-years-with-nearly-nothing-going-wrong/

I believe there is definitely an element of luck and there is also a fair bit of scope to effect change via your own agency.

'Lucky' people are born in a 1st world country and not Mogadishu
They are born 'healthy' with no underlying conditions
They have parents in a loving respectful relationship who give a shit and actively engage in creating a positive environment for you to learn and develop in from infancy through to being a young adult. They nudge you along academically and are there to offer you sage advice when required.

The above certainty gives you a good foundation in life and the agency to shape what you want to do with it. I guess I do get irritated with some people who had the advantages of all the above but consistently made bad decisions be it relationships, work or crap lifestyle choices and then complain for years how it is all unfair despite them still being a position to effect change.

If you were born with good looks, health, intelligence and caring parents then you have a great start to life...likely to mean you stay ahead for all of your live.

And intelligence is not always enough for career success. Drive, ambition, organisation, being neurotypical are also a matter of luck.

To quote the scriptwriter who wrote in Pie-rats of the Carribbean for jack sparrow -
"The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude to the problem"

I kind of understand what the pp poster was saying. The twee life never gives you more than you can handle aside. No to the game player nonsense.

However the understanding that you have agency in challenging situations is really empowering. I definitely think I am lucky in life but when I’ve found myself in hard situations, I get myself out with a well done me attitude.

Most of my challenges in life have involved men tbf I remember being 20 and I was backpacking alone for the first time and being sexually harassed by this Italian guy who had followed me off the train. I turned around and bellowed “Fuck off” which is not what nice girls are taught to do. It’s very effective at getting the attention of the Italian police and I slipped away quietly whilst they had a nice chat.

Its an odd thing to remember as empowering but I came away from it feeling like I have the tools to cope with the big, wide world.

Obviously there are things that can’t be overcome, terminal illness for example, but you have a choice in how you deal with that. I mean I have children so I’d cash in the life insurance, sort out financial planning. Minimise inheritance tax on my estate. Go on a super, duper kick the bucket list holiday and probably top
myself before it all got too hideous.

Another pp struck me when at a funeral of a young woman who seemed to have it all, was struggling. Some people struggle in 6” of water some in six foot and I think the difference is a feeling of control over your life.

A lot of people go the other way. I travelled outwards my brother chose drugs to escape his existence which give the illusion of control. Mental health issues brought about by drug use or exacerbated by drug use depending on your point of view. Dead in his 20s after being sectioned multiple times. Hopelessness is a fatal mindset really resonates with me.

Life isn’t fair.

Rinse (we all have been) and repeat.

If hard work made you money, every woman in Africa would be a millionaire. Meritocracy is a bit of a fib. Ditto overtime.

I don’t think anyone even pretends talent or decency will get due rewards, which is frankly a relief. (I speak as someone who gets due rewards, by the way.)

It’s too easy to behave badly - particularly to children - if you’re a man. Other countries increasingly don’t let fathers run out on their kids; surprise, surprise, national happiness ratings go up.

I think the point about a childhood filled with love and confidence-boosting is so true. It never occurred to me not to aspire to University (many years ago) because my parents took it for granted I was bright enough to do so. And I like to think I have passed that confidence to DS. He recently successfully applied for a job quite a few rungs up the ladder from where he is - he must have been confident to think he had a chance.

Sorry - not very helpful or tactful to OP; just contributing to the discussion

Exactly. It's all luck.

If you're intelligent enough to see the opportunities and take them - that's luck.

If you're confident enough to feel secure in your ability to tackle tough times - that's luck, it will likely stem from your upbringing.

If you're able bodied and able to trek out of a war zone - that's luck

I often wonder about this. I also think, what will my kids say about their childhood when they're thinking back on their life after 40 years or so. Did I give them useful advice? Support them in their endeavours? Pass on good habits? Or have I just passed on my MH issues and maladaptive coping methods?