How come some people ’get it all’, or nearly all, and some people really don’t get to have anything - other than a shit sandwich of a life?

[TabooOfNoSex]

It is baffling to me.
It really is.

That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.
Nevermind have multiple things on that list.

And then are people who got fuck all…

Now, please don’t hit me with the comparison is the thief of joy, this is not about that obviously.
And I know I get told IABU, just having a little sad vent now that I’m once again feeling nothing will ever work out for me.

But still!
Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?
Something to make this life worth living.

I think a lot of it is down to innate social skills. I did well at school, but I’m autistic and people just don’t like me (and it’s not that I don’t try to be friendly, if anything I try too hard). I’ve always worked but never progressed in a career and earn little. I have a chronic health condition too and feel totally burnt out. I know there is no way on earth I’d ever get these crazy 100k salaries you read about here (despite having a first class degree) - I’m rubbish at interviews and even at my job people generally ignore me/exclude me. Looking at my kids, my son is very laid back in terms of work/ambition but has amazing social skills and loads of friends, everyone likes him. My daughter is a lot like me, very academic but autistic and lonely. I obviously hope they both have an easy and happy ride through life but realistically my son is probably the one who will have the girlfriends, walk into good jobs etc etc.

I had a great childhood. However, no inherited wealth or significant unter generational wealth other than having a good level of education and coming from a naice family. By and large I am contented with my lot, though have fewer options than my peers and as a result in the past it contributed to (along with other factors) being in a vulnerable position/an easy target for abuse (peer on peer, work related, racism, initimate partner, rape).

It is a combination of factors. There is an element of luck to it, of course. I have 2 close friends who deserve every happiness but life has just served them a horrible shit sandwich. One of these friends is incredibly hard working, but has not got a benefit of family support, privilege or money. It's not fair, she is doing her best but she will never have enough money for a house deposit. Something terrible also happened to her recently and she absolutely does not deserve it.
I consider myself incredibly lucky. I had a poor upbringing but fairly happy childhood with no trauma. Some of my life now is down to decisions, a lot of it is down to luck and chance.
However, I am sure my shit sandwich is in the post and no doubt will be in the post soon.

I think its an element of luck but also taking the hard decisions for example i was offered a local job after finishing college, i also had a job offer in London, i took the London... and i cried all the way up there, i hated the first 3 months, i was so homesick, i stuck at it and had a fantastic well paid career.... i think some people take the easier (at the time) option and its often the worst one.

On up bringing, i had an extremely hard one, poverty, abuse and violence, self confidence was zero but perhaps it also taught me some resilience, not that i'd recommend it, some awful aspects, looking back on my childhood, wasn't all bad but being thrown down the stairs, tends to stay with you.

But perhaps the most important thing for me was my Mum, my dad might have been a cnut but Mum always tried her best and always encouraged me when i was down and wanting to give up, its just a shame she stayed with my "dad" as long as she did.

Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?

I'm afraid there is little point in talking about how things should be unless there is somewhere you can go for redress. Who are you proposing to complain to?

because life is a lottery that we never chose to play and didn’t pick the numbers

unfair

In my friendship group, I'd say we have all had times when life is going well, and times when it's more of a challenge. It helps me to think of the long game, with bumps in the road from time to time

I think few people in the UK have EVERYTHING or NOTHING in their favour. That's quite black and white thinking

But agree that some people certainly have an easier life than others

I think a lot of it as to do with how you start in life: where you are born, your parents, your childhood.

My childhood was not a good start (toxic, abusive parents and school bullying) and that had a real impact on me.

Childhood neglect meant I ended up with long term health issues/disabilities (as my parents failed to address them early enough), poor socialisation and mental health issues.

I spent my 20s/early 30s having to ''parent'' myself which meant going back to college, learning how to make friends and about relationships, learning about good hygiene and finally entering the workplace.

Things that most people learn and experience when they are much younger.

So, I have always played catch up in life and lagged behind other people.

1. Childhood sexual abuse
2. Forced abortion age 15
3. Rare non hodgkin lymphoma
4. Loss of spleen
5. Forced to shield
6. kidney cancer
7. Brain bleed which left me unable to craft or walk or talk properly
8. Macula hole in good eye

How much more than that can I expect????

Luck pays a massive part, you simply can't plan and prepare for every eventuality.

Take covid financial support. Over 3 million were excluded from the support schemes. That wasn't lack of planning/preparation. People simply didn't know there was going to be a pandemic, didn't know what the furlough or SEISS rules would be, etc. How can you plan for that. Furlough didn't even exist before Covid, so it was impossible to plan for something that didn't exist for a pandemic we didn't know was about to happen!

Some people did VERY well out of the support schemes, others were completely excluded and had to sell possessions on ebay just to pay the bills! How "fair" is that? How can anyone plan to have their jobs/businesses destroyed and be reliant on random support schemes with random eligibility rules?

Yes, people could have "prepared" by building up massive savings, but how feasible is that for the average person? It isn't. People may be able to save a few hundred or a few thousand pounds for a "rainy day" but they're not going to have enough to pay their bills for months with no income.

Building confidence is something that most people can do for themselves. Putting it down to luck is just lazy

Some what agree HOWEVER building confidence takes time and resources so someone who grew up with an unsupportive family that results in poor self esteem starts the race in life several steps behind.

This is largely what it's about - some people have a headstart, if they then work hard and exploit their opportunities they will be further ahead.

Take building self esteem or confidence - you have to become aware that it's an issue. Usually that's only when you have already embarked on life, maybe studying or in a career. So then you have to have the resources to fix confidence & self esteem.

If you grow up with poor confidence & self esteem you are more likely to make poor relationship choices. So now your journey in life has added complexity of a poor relationship. Those who suceed in life often have a supportive partner.

There is enormous effort to escape bad relationships so anyone moving on from an abusive relationship isn't lazy.

Despite being fairly lucky in my life I acknowledge that others have had it tougher than me. I also know others have been more fortunate. Some people may be lazy but I'm not sure that's the majority.

Totally agree about a decent (not perfect) childhood being crucial to the overall trajectory of life. It's why being a parent is such a terrifying responsibility if you think about it for too long!

Luck and timing too

I've met people who could have hugely changed my life for the better. They met someone else first though. Which was luck and timing.

I don't have answer for this, but it makes me wonder too. I think it's often just pure luck- family, country etc. you were born in. These things can make some things in life much easier and smoother. But honestly, it's just me wondering, I wish I knew the answer.

Welcome to capitalism.

If you're already rich, you're gonna love it.

I used to think like this about certain people too (and thought I was justified too!)until I realised this is what some people thought about me! It's important to realise that there are a lot of things that may be happening behind the scenes even though it looks like life is perfect.

For example, I have to agree that on the whole, my life hasn't been too bad and there are certainly people who have gone through worse. But at varying points in life, I suffered through :
-emotional abuse at home
-anxiety & depression
-eating disorders

-self harm
-homelessness
-racial bullying
-multiple sexual assaults
-emotional abuse at work
-abuse of power/extortion from a policeman

So yes, both my parents are alive & together, my family is relatively close, I have a decent job and I own my own home, but I wouldn't say I have it all/nearly all.

It is a tough one as there is no one right answer but I think it is a combination of decent parenting, personal responsibility, sacrifice and good health (physical and mental).

I also believe that having a 'good' life is not necessarily about working hard but the ability to adapt to change and work smarter.

This thread makes so much sense to me. That secure, nurturing and supportive family is so important for helping a child grow to be the best version of them self. At nearly 50 I feel anxious a lot of the time, have that feeling of dread over small things and when people are kind to me I feel nothing but suspicion.

The people I know who are confident, strong and who are not phased by much are the ones who have had a very secure upbringing. They are people who have coped with being bullied as a child, for example. However, rather than feeling shame and as though they are to blame for being bullied, they understand they are not to blame and it is undeserved. They feel outrage and anger not as though they are a victim and small.

I had a petty rubbish upbringing and although I now look like I have been successful with all of the trappings I just don’t see it.

My daughter is very much like me in personality but she is so confident, upbeat, unafraid and seems to be the me I could have been had I had a better start in life. She is the perfect example of how secure early years have such a significant impact on a person’s life.

@DIYandEatCake The more I experience in life, the more I think success in everything is down to soft skills (e.g. social skills), sometimes even more than hard skills (e.g. exam results, knowing one's job), especially as you get older and further away in time from when you did your exams... but of course an academic education does nothing to teach people soft skills. I think at school it is hard for kids to imagine examples of soft skills, why you might need them as an adult, and how to develop them. Like any skill it can be developed, but like any skill it is also luck of the draw. It really isn't as simple as "pass your exams, work hard, and the high salary will come"!

Livinghappy I absolutely agree with you, building confidence and self esteem can make a huge difference to life chances, but at the same time it is easy for people to say "just build" them. If someone is unaware that they lack these things, how on earth are they going to identify the problem, let alone know what to do about it?

It all depends on the person.

Some are born with every privilege and yet end up with nothing.

Others are born into poverty and yet have the most successful enriched lives.

As a teacher I have seen kids from all walks of life and those that have determination to succeed can, will and do, regardless of their upbringing.

Every upbringing has its advantages and disadvantages, but again, it comes down to a desire to succeed.

Life is what you make of it. Live it rather than dwelling on what you haven't got, and if you want something, then go out and find it.

Not RTFT, but this is what we mean when we talk about inequality and what politics is all about op. This is why politics, essentially the science of distributing resources, is important. The party political crap of modern times is nothing more than a power game intended to distract from the real issues as Britain slides back into being a centralised imperial state based on inheritance. Jane Austen and Charles Dickens have come back to life and are textbooks for this age.

”and those that have determination to succeed can, will and do, regardless of their upbringing.“

I suppose it depends on your definition of success, but in general…What absolute bollox in this modern age. It was true to some extent in the 60s, but the ladder was broken 20 years ago.

Hmm this is so interesting.
I had a really shit upbringing and no support so I’ve always been catching up. I think those of us who had difficult childhoods were surviving rather than growing or learning, so we are at a massive disadvantage.
As an adult I’ve had my fair share of adversity inc financial, abusive relationships, homelessness and a disabled child. However, because of how life was as s neglected child, I see myself as incredibly lucky now . Other people
might look at my hard deal with parenting, small house, lack of money etc and feel sorry for me.. but I feel really lucky to have a safe home, a good job and a supportive family of my own. Often it’s about perspective.

Well exactly, if you grow up in an environment where you aren't really encouraged or where you're always found lacking then it becomes default and you genuinely think like that. People seem to think it's whining and because they have confidence, they think a lack of is just silly and can't conceive that some people genuinely think that about themselves because that's all you've ever known.

You may have successes, but you're taught from a very young age to be self depreciating about everything you do achieve and that pride in yourself or your achievements is not desirable, is not an attractive personality trait, you shouldn't do it, it's not that great an achievement, you should have done better. That you're wrong, you should have done this instead. That it's your fault if it has gone wrong.

You may gather the self awareness to realise and change that, or it may become a pattern through someone's life because they're generally treated that way and those that are different you are dismissive of because you 'know' that at some point they're going to find out about the 'real' you not actually being that capable at all and it's all going to come crashing down.

I'm dyspraxic, only diagnosed fairly recently, my mother despised the symptoms of it, I was constantly bollocked for being cack handed and clumsy, for not being coordinated, for being careless, for having my head in the clouds, for not being able to talk properly, for having no spatial awareness, for struggling with fine motor skills, for struggling with driving.

I tried so damned hard to not be those things, but I still was. As I got older I laugh it off, but that's a defence mechanism because I'm worried I'm going to get shouted at.

Add to that jobs where you're in a servient position, and you're treated like crap most days just because people can or relationships where you're treated like that by someone (else) who is supposed to love you, and actually you just believe that's who you are and what you deserve, genuinely.

I mean look at this thread for examples of people telling others what they need to do, how they're wrong and how they need to do this or that, how they think is wrong - with many you're preaching to the converted because they already know they're wrong.