How come some people ’get it all’, or nearly all, and some people really don’t get to have anything - other than a shit sandwich of a life?

[TabooOfNoSex]

It is baffling to me.
It really is.

That someone can have (relatively) good health, mental healt, friends, at least ok parent(s),
bf/gf - MANY of them through out life - as in multiple people wanted to love them, kids (if they want them), pretty/handsome, be at least okey in school/ be pretty smart, money, people who want to spend time with them… etc.

I consider all of these things to be incredible privileges and yet so many people don’t even have to think about it.
Nevermind have multiple things on that list.

And then are people who got fuck all…

Now, please don’t hit me with the comparison is the thief of joy, this is not about that obviously.
And I know I get told IABU, just having a little sad vent now that I’m once again feeling nothing will ever work out for me.

But still!
Shouldn’t there be like a cosmic balance that everyone would at least get something?
Something to make this life worth living.

@VanillaSox

People who look at the positives live longer and happier lives.

In general, yes, I think they tend to live longer and happier. Just look at some pop stars - I'm talking about the successful ones, that have that perfect mix of raw talent, hard work, luck, etc (not just the z list slebs famous from reality tv!). Some soar with the eagles and go from strength to strength, whatever shit life throws at them. Others seem to self destruct even though they aren't shat upon from above! Just why? Well the difference always seems to be positivity.

This is how I see it and see examples of it around me too.

We're not all starting from the same place and all have different set backs at different times.

I am the eldest of 3, I have a different 'real' dad to them, they have the same dad, and he brought all 3 of us up, me from being 4, them from being born.
The middle sibling is by far the most successful, but, she's also not had to face some of the issues myself and the younger sibling have such as physical health issues (some because of lifestyle and some not) and mental health issues.

She's also the only one who was planned. That's not to say me and my youngest sibling weren't loved or looked after, but she was longed for and came along after years of trying and losses.

My own father was abusive and he put my mum through hell and was in and out of my life like a yo-yo and I genuinely think those early experiences changed the dynamic between me and my mum. From both perspectives.

My youngest sibling was the result of missed contraception (as parents attest) and came very soon after the middle one, and I think it was overwhelming for our parents having two very young children and a confused and mentally unwell teen all at the same time (not that I don't understand why!).

And I think those circumstances meant that although we all had the same physical parents for most of our lives, we had very different experiences and none of us started from the same place, and we have all had different set backs to contend with.
But the middle sibling has always been a little ahead and therefore has found the challenges easier to contend with, my youngest sibling and I had to work harder to just keep our heads above water, so any setback had a deeper effect than it would have done the middle one.

For example youngest and I are in 'unskilled' occupations, but have stuck with it through a lot and worked hard and managed to claw our way up a bit, and middle has an MA and professional job and out earned us on entry to the profession. We've all worked hard, but the outcomes have been very different.

I don't resent middle at all, I'm incredibly proud of the achievements, but it does get tiresome (not from them but it's a belief you see a fair amount of in society and definitely on here!) that middle has worked harder and made more sacrifices and that's why they're where they are and nothing to do with some of the advantages they had starting and along the way.

It's partly down to your situation family wise but not entirely, some people make far better decisions and cease opportunities better eg both my ex h and I were not born into money but went through schools taking the opportunity to learn (sink comps, very few went to 6th form) then university. I took good financial decisions, no family help, he chose a good career. We went our separate ways but are living proof you can't blame your upbringing on your life chances

Everyone has their own life path.we are all here to evolve by learning.
Try not to look at others and see a perfect life,they won't be perfect 100% of the time.Accept the path you chose,yes,you chose,and practice when you can,mindful living.there is a reason why we go through hard times,for now we can't see it but,in time,it will make sense.🌈

I have what looks like a pretty cushy life.

Grew up in a huge house with loads of siblings and a happy family. Did well in school, have an amazing job, lots of money, gorgeous house, amazing husband.

If people dug deeper, they’d know that there was serious money issues growing up so that my parents could keep that magnificent house that looked amazing from the outside but was crumbling inside; that all of my siblings grew up in an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive home that has had huge impacts on us as adults and really caused a lot of issues with our ability to form relationships; that I’ve struggled hugely with a health issue that has shaped my life massively and I’m fighting every day to keep working; and that my very lovely husband has severe mental health issues that have dictated pretty much every aspect of our lives for twenty years.

I’m a private person and don’t share those elements. I don’t like to burden people, or be seen as weak or not in control.

Do don’t be too judgmental, OP, everyone is carrying their own load.

I’m so sorry, I could not read and just skip this though I have nothing to offer you. I can still hope things get better for you.

For some of these posts I just want to reply with “Oh please!” That is not to say that you can’t always change your path but we should recognise some people are thrown in pits they can’t ever escape even with all effort.

@Willowtre1 I really loved your post. I keep rereading it x

My belief is, everyone gets some shit in life's sarnie, each of us has a time of profound struggle and pain. For some it's early in life, for some the middle but, some of us haven't had it yet but it's a-coming.

I would say - and often do - that I'm one of the luckiest people you'll ever meet. But 10 years ago I was a total miserable angry mess. Even now my life is far far from perfect. But lucky omg yes.

I think some people are just, well, luckier. My dads a lucky person - runs for a train, just misses it, next train he meets someone whose in his line of work, turns out to be a great contact blah blah. Loses a fiver finds a fifty. But - he's blessed with self belief, great communication skills, a "friendly" face ... all of which he passed on to me, which makes the useful chap on the train start chatting, whereas if we had a less friendly face the connection wouldn't have been made.

It's fucking unfair. I count my many blessings and share what I have as best I can.

It doesn’t ,but it massively impacts decisions you make throughout your life, I know people from good and bad backgrounds, some did pull through with a lot of strength and determination, some are still “stuck “, changing mentality and aspirations in life when you only know s..t is not easy , it’s easier to stay in an environment you know then try to swap it around

Yes me too

Like a year from hell which never seems to end

Another vote for chaos theory here. It’s my belief that the universe is basically indifferent to us and our suffering, but I find that comforting - it’s not personal, it’s the universe expressing its randomness.

The wheel turns for everyone eventually; the people you see now who appear to “have it all” might tomorrow find themselves in the shit with the rest of us. Whether that will make them more empathetic people is a different story of course…!

I think people are conditioned by society to put up with crap treatment and have a negative self-worth with limiting beliefs.

I come from an abusive home with a lot of trauma. I escaped and am so much happier. But I'm still in some form of contact with my 4 siblings and they all stay stuck in misery being just like our parents or worse to their own kids and spouses and to themselves still, while saying things like "We know mom and dad don't always treat us well but they tried their best and you only get one family" etc.

I think no one is taught self-love if their own parents were abused and then become abusers. It is just their normal and they settle for really shitty lives because they honestly don't know any difference or they are too afraid of change or don't have the tools or maybe they're comfortable in misery. Kind of a crab bucket mentality.

I'm so glad I managed to climb out despite constant efforts to pull me back in on their part. I had to fend them off and realize that life is short and I deserve happiness and that takes radical change even though it's scary.

I think part of it was that I was the scapegoat so I was always wrong and bad in their eyes despite always trying to make them happy so why not just actually be "bad" by totally breaking free? I also always seemed to have more empathy than any of them did - they're all a bunch of judgmental hypocritical assholes really - and I also liked to call a spade a spade and not always go along with the fake happy family facade when behind closed doors they were abusing us- those things combined might be why they singled me out as the scapegoat and I sometimes wish I didn't feel things the way I do and could just stick my head in the sand and go along with it and keep the peace like my siblings mainly do but for some reason my personality was different and in the end I'm glad because it helped me escape and find my own life.

My parents came from generational poverty and addiction/alcoholism and a history of abuse and trauma themselves. I have compassion for them but they refused to stop hurting me despite me trying to work things out with them- the more boundaries I put up, the more they felt like it was a fun challenge to try to trample them- so I had no choice but to leave out of self-preservation and also to cut them off later in life so that it couldn't negatively affect my kids the way it had me.

I was the first person in my entire family line to go to college and then I went to law school too. But a lot of that I did to be able to escape them while also trying to live out their dreams and make them look good and cover up their mistreatment of me and their many mental illnesses/personality disorders.

So mg biggest accomplishments are actually becoming a mom and trying to be a good one and breaking the chain of generational trauma for my kids. I'm proud of myself for walking away from them because otherwise I never could have had the happy life I have now and my kids would suffer.

I also unexpectedly lost my first child to full term stillbirth and that had a big impact on me. It showed me that life is short and time is precious. It also opened my eyes up to just how cruel my parents really are and how they not only try to make my successes about them and take them over and ruin them for me but they also or even more so make my tragedies all about them and make it even so much worse.

It was like, with "family" like this, who needs enemies? I began to see how everyone in my family or origin kept themselves down and small because they were used to abuse and mistreatment and couldn't live their own lives and be happy.

I consider it a gift my daughter gave me during her short existence inside me and a way that she continues to shape and influence my created/chosen family. I will always miss her but I also feel fortunate to have had my eyes opened by her and to experience loss so that I know what I can stand to gain in my life if I concentrate on being true to myself and doing everything possible to be happy.

So my other kids have benefitted from my pain and I am trying to use it constructively and productively. It happened nearly a decade ago now so the wound isn't as fresh and it's more bittersweet but it's part of what shaped my life and helped me pull myself out of the pit of misery I had been living in while trying to put up with my parent's mistreatment of me and then while grieving the loss of my daughter and having them make it so much worse.

I sometimes marvel at how/why I could escape and live a better life while so many people- including my parents and siblings- have not managed to and probably never will. I feel sorry for them that they won't know true happiness in this one brief life we get. But there is nothing I can do about it because I sure have tried and only ever managed to get pulled back in with them whenever I did.

So I don't usually think about it anymore except when I read thoughtful threads like this. I just focus on myself, my husband, my kids, and the family members (on his side) and friends who are able to treat me well and reciprocate all the love I have to give, and who have similar values and goals in life and strive to meet them and be true to them and live truly happy lives being mutually supportive to and living of others.

Oops- my last line should have said loving not living.

It's not always possible to tell though.

I am very loved by a wonderful man, we have a great relationship, he's very handsome. I have great family, very close. I have a successful career.

But though my son is beautiful he has high needs autism, our days are tough. I've also had chronic pain for 4 years which has been horrendous. But people can't see this. I don't look any different on the outside.

I suppose from the outside I have it all. But it's not plain sailing.

@rowanoak such a sad story, but so inspiring too

To an extent childhood impacts, of course. And childhood wounds carry foward. But having a shitty childhood is bad luck.
But it's not just that, surely.
Sometimes things just aren't fair.
Why one person gets hit crossing the road but another doesn't, it's bad luck. That's it.
The same applies to cancer... to everything really.
I think we tend to notice unfairness and bad luck more than good, and certainly some people have more of the former.
Why? I don't know. No reason I suspect. Just life.

Our inner voice / childhood has a lot to answer for.

I had a fairly privileged childhood, emotionally and financially.

Not everything in my life is rosey (teen mum, disabled, severe MH at times) but, I love and care for me. I also know others are far worse off. My glass is always half full. Lots of things for me are great - have money, fabulous job, fantastic friends and family and I don't look bad for my age.

I've also never suffered from depression, which must be so hard and doesn't help when trying to deal with life.

I mean you don't have that much sympathy because you absolutely contradict yourself with your ableist statements.
It's much harder to get/keep a job/ home and relationship if you're ill/disabled.

Hey - I have had days when I feel like this - driven by bad health and anxiety TBH but I’ve learnt a lot:

• to wake up healthy is the biggest blessing - we only learn this when it’s gone
• You write your own script - people will be willing to help if you are willing to talk. It might take a few tries but stick with it
• Accept that bad luck is not personal - it is not your fault
• bring yourself back to nature - it is where as humans we are happiest not at work, on screens or making money
• there are no bad days just difficult moments live one day at a time

do take care and appreciate the little thing s

I understand where u are coming from i was adopted from birth and i dont know who my biological dad and then ive been put in care from the age of 14 in and out of foster care homes, been through every bad abuse u can think of and relationship with partners were always toxic, but now even though i only have my son and i am not financially settled on meds because of mental health have ss involved (soon to come to an end).. I still count myself lucky because my past doesn't define my future only i can change this although it can take a long time i am getting stronger every day.

You aren't being unreasonable. Some people will never have any true understanding or compassion or even believe the among of suffering and cruelty that one person can endure at the hand of others. I feel for you and I see you.

A big dollop of luck too.

Life is unfair and somethings are generational (success, poverty, abuse, kind warm families, addictions...)

There are babies literally born into shit circumstances, abused by their parents, get killed by their own parents in the most horrific ways. Then there are privileged wealthy arseholes who think the sun shines out of their own arse, surrounded by friends and luxury and look at you like: "what?! Get your ass up and work hard like me" when it's all been handed out to them on a silver platter. It's the worst when they don't acknowledge how lucky they are or how privilege from their parents be it nice childhood to nepotism played a huge role in their success. Life doesn't make sense and you don''t get what you deserve. Luck of the draw. You don't choose your parents or country or what life trauma is going to be chucked at you. Some people have all the luck.