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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think many women don’t want their ex involved?

217 replies

SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 12:03

My ex doesn’t see our children because he doesn’t want to be involved. No real reason he just doesn’t want to be around. When I mention this to people they will usually fall over themselves to tell me how lucky I am that my ex doesn’t bother, and how they wish theirs wouldn’t bother. I’m not talking about cases of abuse that would be understandable (my ex however was not abusive to our kids) but they always go on to say that they hate “sharing” their kids with their ex and that I’m lucky I don’t have to and get to parent my own way. It’s always about how they feel and never any acknowledgment over how their kids would feel if their father didn’t want to see them.

Yet at the same time dead beat dads who don’t see or bother with their kids are rightly slated but it seems many women prefer the dead beat dad! So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around? 50/50 is apparently bad for children and they feel like they don’t belong anywhere but EOW is then considered not good enough and an uninvolved ex who only wants to do the fun parts of parenting but none of the hard work, so basically a Disney dad. What is the ideal contact set up or would most women just prefer if if their ex disappeared?

(Just to clarify again as I know people will comment on abuse but that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m not mentioning to people that my ex was abusive and now doesn’t see our kids and they are telling me I’m lucky, I’m simply saying he doesn’t see them and get met with “you’re lucky he doesn’t bother with them, I wish my ex didn’t bother!”)

OP posts:
Badbudgeter · 26/02/2023 12:14

I’m currently child free as they are with ex so there is that benefit. I think ideal situation is when both parents are focused on what is best for the children. So sometimes that means flexibility and taking one child so they can go do something different sporting fixture, party or just need some 1-to-1. Covering each other for work when someone has a change in schedule. For example I have taken off strike days, ex will have extra weekend time and I will catch up with work.

Generally you have to be willing to work together in the best interests of child/ children and be a bit flexible. It is hard especially when your ex has been an arse to you. Some men aren’t interested in working together or paying their fare share so I don’t know what you do about that? Possibly take a cattle brand to their bollocks to warn off future women?

idiotmagnet · 26/02/2023 12:33

My ex doesn't see the children - his choice - and this was a great source of sadness to us for many years. As it turns out - observing his behaviour from afar over the years, and just that he's a man capable of dropping his kids - I now wonder if we actually dodged a bullet.
Kids are fine and we are a close, happy and functional family unit, without him.

Mangogogogo · 26/02/2023 12:36

I think they say they’d prefer it… until he actually fucks off

Darthwazette · 26/02/2023 12:36

For the mother a dead beat ex is often the ideal. No other parent interfering, sharing your children at Christmas and birthday BUT all the glory for the child’s achievements and sympathy for your situation.

For the children it’s miserable (I was one such child) and for good mothers their child being miserable is miserable for them too.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2023 12:37

Because a great many non-abusive men are still utter pricks when it comes to fatherhood and behave in unhelpful ways with their children.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 12:46

Even a unhelpful father would benefit a child more than an absent one though! It's not just about how the woman feels

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 12:47

Mangogogogo · 26/02/2023 12:36

I think they say they’d prefer it… until he actually fucks off

Absolutely. They would be the first complaining about how awful their ex is.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 12:51

Also it's frowned upon to tell a woman that she's lucky if her ex pays decent maintenance and is a caring involved parent because "it's not lucky it should be considered the norm" yet it's ok to tell women they are lucky their ex doesn't bother?

OP posts:
Mum45678 · 26/02/2023 12:51

My children’s dad sees them once a week and half the holidays. I did offer more custody but he didn’t want it. Our marriage ended badly because he cheated but I want my children to have a relationship with him. I’d never discourage that.

I don’t think seeing your kids once a week is good enough. I do all the heavy lifting - the school runs, the medical appointments, the endless life admin. I had to be in the office for one of the strike days so I needed to basically horse trade with him to do my job. He got a weekend off meaning I have two weeks without a break. I need that break to keep on top of all the life admin in addition to my demanding full time job.

I had two children expecting to have a partner in raising them. Not someone who swans in and out when it suits them. I wish he lived closer for us to facilitate a better co-parenting relationship. As much as I miss them when they are away they deserve to have two involved parents.

TreadLight · 26/02/2023 12:52

Time and again I've seen mothers use the courts to try and stop the children from having a relationship with their father, and the fathers spending maybe amounts of money and emotional capital to maintain the relationship with their children.

So I agree with the OP, many mothers prefer to stop the children from having a relationship with their father.

Triffid1 · 26/02/2023 12:52

While I don't think most women say that they would prefer their ex's to not be around unless there's a reason, this statement makes your entire argument even sillier:

So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around

Yes, because men are useless because the women make them so!! Why didn't I think of that?!

In my experience, the women who say things like you are quoting, are usually saying it because they are exhausted from the behaviour of the ex. Even the "good" dads so often do mind blowingly stupid or selfish things. Eg the one who asked dh to be a witness for him ito what a good dad he was. Dh didn't dispute that... but couldn't understand why, when this man moved out, he moved over an hour away and was now complaining because it was hard to see his children. Or the ones like bil who turn up when they feel like, are habitually late and unreliable and who will refuse to have the dc if there's an argument. Or the many many men I read about on here who refuse to do basic parenting tasks like clean teeth, ensure decent nutrition, make sure homework is done or insist on a semi-decent bedtime.... those are the men a lot of women would rather just parent without.

BiasedBinding · 26/02/2023 12:54

Maybe they aren’t telling you the full story either?

DuplicateUserName · 26/02/2023 12:55

So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around?

Yes, it's very much a wonder - to me anyway.

Hell would freeze over before any decent father stopped seeing their own children just because their ex would rather they weren't around.

Stop making excuses for shit parents.

Beezknees · 26/02/2023 12:55

My ex was controlling and abusive (verbal not physical) he used to call me a cunt if I missed his phone calls. He was involved for a short time when DS was a baby and then decided he couldn't be arsed. He does pay maintenance which is the one positive.

I'm glad that he's not involved with DS as I would not want him to be following his dad's example and being abusive to women. But if he'd have been a decent man, I'd have been over the moon for him to be in DS's life. Being a completely lone parent is hard.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 26/02/2023 12:57

My dd has had no contact with her father, she's never met him (she's now 17yo) and I do sometimes feel lucky that I've never had to share her, dds life has been very stable as I've managed it.

That said dd has massively missed out on not having a dad, I've missed out on childfree time and I've never received any money off him.

Even a useless father that sees their child regularly is better than no father (annoyingly!)

BiasedBinding · 26/02/2023 12:57

I doubt it’s about the fathers who are genuinely and reliably involved. It’s often about the father letting the children down time and time again, I’ve seen it loads. The mother has to pick up the pieces each time and unsurprisingly wonders whether it’s worth putting the children through that to maintain a relationship with their dad.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 12:57

Mum45678 · 26/02/2023 12:51

My children’s dad sees them once a week and half the holidays. I did offer more custody but he didn’t want it. Our marriage ended badly because he cheated but I want my children to have a relationship with him. I’d never discourage that.

I don’t think seeing your kids once a week is good enough. I do all the heavy lifting - the school runs, the medical appointments, the endless life admin. I had to be in the office for one of the strike days so I needed to basically horse trade with him to do my job. He got a weekend off meaning I have two weeks without a break. I need that break to keep on top of all the life admin in addition to my demanding full time job.

I had two children expecting to have a partner in raising them. Not someone who swans in and out when it suits them. I wish he lived closer for us to facilitate a better co-parenting relationship. As much as I miss them when they are away they deserve to have two involved parents.

That's how I feel if I wanted to raise children alone I would have used a donor. I did not go down that route as it's not a choice I would have consciously made. I didn't wish to raise children solo. If we broke up I expected him to still want to be involved. I don't considering my children seeing their father as me "sharing" them as they are not possessions. I don't want to make all the decisions.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 26/02/2023 13:00

What is your definition of abusive? There’s a lot of men around who behave really badly but don’t meet the extremes that would involve a criminal conviction. And unfortunately when dad gets a new family/ partner they often move on and the kids become a low priority. You can see why as loyalties lie with the current relationship but it leads to a lot of substandard parenting

JingsMahBucket · 26/02/2023 13:00

SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 12:46

Even a unhelpful father would benefit a child more than an absent one though! It's not just about how the woman feels

This statement is oxymoronic.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 13:01

TreadLight · 26/02/2023 12:52

Time and again I've seen mothers use the courts to try and stop the children from having a relationship with their father, and the fathers spending maybe amounts of money and emotional capital to maintain the relationship with their children.

So I agree with the OP, many mothers prefer to stop the children from having a relationship with their father.

Yep but there must always be that the father was "abusive". Many times it's women just not wanting their ex around I've literally seen it with my own eyes on here women saying their ex is a good dad but they don't like "sharing " their child, they can't bare to be away from them, they stay in bed when their child is with the other parent because they can't face not being with them . Never mind the benefits to the child it's just about how they want to keep the child with them at all times.

OP posts:
BiasedBinding · 26/02/2023 13:01

Clearly people are being a bit insensitive OP, not to realise that the reason your children don’t see their father might not be a positive thing. But my general experience tells me that mothers are far more likely to be desperately trying to facilitate a relationship for their children with half-hearted fathers who keep letting them down, and if they wish they didn’t have to deal with that then who can blame them. They aren’t likely to actively stop them, but may wish they could put an end to the uphill struggle to get an uninterested man to put his children first

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 13:03

BungleandGeorge · 26/02/2023 13:00

What is your definition of abusive? There’s a lot of men around who behave really badly but don’t meet the extremes that would involve a criminal conviction. And unfortunately when dad gets a new family/ partner they often move on and the kids become a low priority. You can see why as loyalties lie with the current relationship but it leads to a lot of substandard parenting

I am not talking about abuse though see my above post it's women who don't like being separated from their children. Not all exes are abusive they tell me I'm lucky because I get to be with my kids "all the time."

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 26/02/2023 13:04

So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around?

Well yes, actually, because then "bothering" or not should be nothing to do with whether the mother of their DC wants them around or not. It should be about their own desire to play an active part in their DC's lives.

maddening · 26/02/2023 13:05

DuplicateUserName · 26/02/2023 12:55

So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around?

Yes, it's very much a wonder - to me anyway.

Hell would freeze over before any decent father stopped seeing their own children just because their ex would rather they weren't around.

Stop making excuses for shit parents.

This is the statement that stuck out for me also - which women? Which men? Why are these men considered so weak minded that an opinion of some sort of group of apparent women means that they won't bother with their own children 🤔

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 26/02/2023 13:07

BiasedBinding · 26/02/2023 13:01

Clearly people are being a bit insensitive OP, not to realise that the reason your children don’t see their father might not be a positive thing. But my general experience tells me that mothers are far more likely to be desperately trying to facilitate a relationship for their children with half-hearted fathers who keep letting them down, and if they wish they didn’t have to deal with that then who can blame them. They aren’t likely to actively stop them, but may wish they could put an end to the uphill struggle to get an uninterested man to put his children first

Thank you, that’s it I feel it’s very insensitive to say that to me. My children are struggling a lot with their father not bothering with them so I get sick of people telling me I’m lucky not realising the damage it can do to children. Even if someone’s ex is abusive that doesn’t mean MY kids are lucky.

OP posts: