To think many women don’t want their ex involved?

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex doesn’t see our children because he doesn’t want to be involved. No real reason he just doesn’t want to be around. When I mention this to people they will usually fall over themselves to tell me how lucky I am that my ex doesn’t bother, and how they wish theirs wouldn’t bother. I’m not talking about cases of abuse that would be understandable (my ex however was not abusive to our kids) but they always go on to say that they hate “sharing” their kids with their ex and that I’m lucky I don’t have to and get to parent my own way. It’s always about how they feel and never any acknowledgment over how their kids would feel if their father didn’t want to see them.

Yet at the same time dead beat dads who don’t see or bother with their kids are rightly slated but it seems many women prefer the dead beat dad! So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around? 50/50 is apparently bad for children and they feel like they don’t belong anywhere but EOW is then considered not good enough and an uninvolved ex who only wants to do the fun parts of parenting but none of the hard work, so basically a Disney dad. What is the ideal contact set up or would most women just prefer if if their ex disappeared?

(Just to clarify again as I know people will comment on abuse but that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m not mentioning to people that my ex was abusive and now doesn’t see our kids and they are telling me I’m lucky, I’m simply saying he doesn’t see them and get met with “you’re lucky he doesn’t bother with them, I wish my ex didn’t bother!”)

Agreed.

I've seen more and more posts like this recently.

A good dad wouldn't 'fuck off' just because his ex expected/wanted him to. Any man who did that is already a dead beat just waiting for an excuse.

It's actually easier on the children if the other parent is totally out rather than in and out my daughters dad ditched her moved on had another family she is way more stable than her two brothers whose father is bouncing in and out they are very clingy towards me because there only other parent disappeared then randomly reappears on a regular basis eldest ds frets for days about seeing him then cancels last minute youngest dumped him after his "covid" disappearance

He thinks he is a great father and role model

Op it sounds like you are hurt on behalf on your children that your ex dad isn't interested in them, which is completely understandable. Maybe people in co parenting situations just take it for granted that thier own children don't have to suffer this hurt and rejection and therefore fantasise about the other parent falling off a cliff.

If it really bothers you when people call you lucky , next time you could come up with a short comeback "I might be lucky but my children aren't" or something like that.

Every situation is different, I believe there are deadbeat dads and dads who are unfairly prevented from seeing children unless they can afford to go to court. All types of situations exist.

That's hard on you for sure, we often feel our children's pain deeper than they do and the injustice can eat away at you.

I feel for mine every time my children's father has made them promises I know he's not likely to keep.
I have to pick up the pieces when he is too drunk, too busy, forgot or has just changed his mind.

Every single time they are hurt and upset and I wonder if allowing this to continue is the best thing for them.

Idk. When my parents divorced I felt totally abandoned by my dad. And emotionally by my mum as she was so upset and depressed.

I still don't really have a relationship with him. I struggle to be close to anyone bc I'm always waiting for them to leave.

It would've been nice if he'd tried to have contact. I would've sobbed less knowing anyone fucking wanted me.

It's hard even now at almost 30 to think anyone cares. I'm quite ruthless and sad. I don't trust anyone. If your own dad doesn't care and your own mum is sobbing on the floor your whole childhood... why would anyone else care

I agree. I’m sure your mother was as heartbroken as you. Nothing hurts as bad as seeing your child hurt and rejected.

I cried for weeks (at night, when my child was asleep), and cursed him (in private) for years. I didn’t cry for being left with the responsibility of raising a child alone 24/7, I cried because I knew this was a pain DS would carry with him throughout his life.

After years of this I accepted it, at some point realised his going incommunicado had been a blessing in disguise, but then DS was in the receiving end of abuse and neglect, if DS,s dad had stayed in touch he would have destroyed him. Does knowing this makes me grateful? No. My son was safe but I would have preferred his dad to stay in touch and be a good parent but that was not to be.

I'm sure most mums prefer the dad around and the kids do too. Depends who you talk too.

OP, I think you are taking some women's invalidation of your experiences on a support group(s) and are making sweeping generalisations.

Do I think it would be easier for me if my ex effed off our of our lives? Hell, yeah! Have I ever let that stop me actively promoting contact? Nope. The only reason my DC have regular contact with their Father is because I have tolerated his shit and nagged/cajoled him. He's an absolutely crap parent, but my youngest child thinks the sun shines out of his arse, so I maintain the links in as balanced a manner as possible whilst he trampled over my boundaries, pays £9 a month for both children via CMS and fails to educate himself around Autism and ADHD (both kids are ND).
So, yes, I do wish he would sod off back to his European country and let me get on with parenting my DC properly, BUT I grew up without a Dad and so I stuff my feelings down time and time again.

Well it isn’t easier for my children so don’t need to be told it is, I’m the one dealing with the tears and tantrums because my daughters dad doesn’t want to see her, I’m the one picking up the pieces, I’m the one stopping her from leaving the house because she wants to find her father. Life would be much much easier for me if he just saw her like a normal father. She’s begging out and crying out for a father and he won’t see her. I hate seeing my child hurt so it’s annoying when I can’t even post on a mums group asking for advice without being told I should be thankful. Should I tell my daughter she’s lucky he doesn’t want to see her?

I wasn't suggesting it was easier for your child.
It seems as though you are looking to feel offended by alternate perspectives upon this thread.

These types of women won't go for IVF because that costs a lot of money. Also, they won't have child maintenance payments for 20 years. Easier to get an unsuspected idiot, get pregnant and remove him from the child's life with false accusations. Hopefully, there is a small percentage of women like that.

You’re completely right about what people on here say about contact patterns.

EOW? Why does he want to see them so seldom, what a disengaged twat.

50/50? OMG no, he’s only doing it to avoid paying maintenance, kids need stability, selfish bastard.

Dad moves away, often because he can’t afford to stay in the same area post divorce? How dare he, only cares about himself and not his kids.

Mum moves away? You go girl, happy mum = happy kids, he can see them more in the holidays, you do do.

I work in the domestic abuse sector and have done for many years. I have supported hundreds (possibly now into the thousands) of mostly women navigating a break-up and child contact. Overwhelmingly they bend over backwards to facilitate some kind of contact. If the contact can't be safe, they will try to facilitate video calls or phone calls. It's very very rare that they will say 'no contact at all', and those who do are invariably at the end of their tether after multiple chances. Most don't want to deal with the sadness of their child wanting a relationship with their dad but not being able to have one, for whatever reason.

And yet almost all of them, when we come to talk about child contact, start with 'I'm not one of those women who doesn't want their child to have contact with their dad'. No, I know, because those aren't as common as people would have you believe. I see a LOT of accusations of parental alienation, but that's because they're trying to put boundaries in, not stop contact all together.

Not saying it never happens, obvs, but with my client base at least it's incredibly rare.

Don't you think your client base would lie to get what they want?

I have a 50/50 arrangement with ex.

For myself, I do often wish that ex would just disappear or only do EOW. In some ways I do think that would be better for the DC because I get the impression that things aren't great at his, but not bad enough for them to complain about and they're good kids and loyal to both of us so don't want to say anything negative about him to me.

I hate interacting with ex and would gladly never see him again ever (if it were only about me).

For the DC, I recognise that although ex is pretty crap (in my opinion), it's probably still better on the whole that they spend equal time with both parents. They can tell themselves that he wants to be with them, even though he's currently planning a relatively extravagant holiday with his new partner (just the two of them) that means he probably won't be able to take the DC away on a holiday too (due to cost). DC1's face when he told me about this plan also told me that DC1 is getting the message that dad's partner is more important than the DC and I can tell that hurts. But DC won't say a bad word about dad.

I certainly didn't sign up for part-time parenting when I had them. I hate that I don't see them every day, although I am past crying about it every week. I absolutely believe that that's something other people experience and express.

At the same time, I recognise that I get a break, get time to myself and have been able to establish a new relationship with a lovely man. It is possible for me to be grateful for that and simultaneously sad that I only see my DC half the week. Two apparently contradictory things can be true at the same time.

It's much harder doing all the parenting alone full-time or close to full-time. I know that. But it's also shit when you hear your DC telling someone else "of course not, he never goes to anything" when they ask if DC's dad was also at some school event.

I think when people make those comments, it's because they have moments where they do wish the ex would go away. And maybe also because they think you might feel better if you know that just because the other parent does see their child, it doesn't mean that it's all sunshine and roses. It's a different kind of hard.

taxpayer1

Don't you think your client base would lie to get what they want?

What charming assumptions you make about the victims of domestic abuse.

So people are being insensitive but I think you are too

“Life would be much much easier for me if he just saw her like a normal father.”

what people are saying about their own situation is that the father of their children isnt seeing them like a “normal father” -they are creating instability and misery for their children in their own way. Mothers dealing with difficult fathers who may see their children but often let them down, they’re not having a lovely time any more than you are

My ex barely saw dd for 2 years then got a girlfriend and all of a sudden is interested. When I say interested he'll do 2 nights a week and one weekend a month. This weekend is swapped and changed and if he can't be arsed doing it he won't. Dd likes him because she does what she wants there but realises I do the swimming club, the martial arts, the meet ups with friends out of school etc. I insisted on a schedule when she goes to school as I thought it was unfair for her to not know where she was on what day.

In an ideal situation, children would have equal time with both parents. However, there is rarely an ideal situation and for a lot of women, it would be easier for them if the ex disappeared from the scene.

How many threads are there on here of men who are absolutely useless fathers? These are men who are still in the family home and in the relationship and can’t be bothered to parent even then.

Do you imagine once they leave the family unit they magically become good parents? They suddenly take an active role in their children’s lives and do what they should have been doing from the start?

There are women who will do everything they can to make things difficult for the ex to have contact but I’m willing to bet that they’re a lot rarer than the men who are unreliable, disengaged and only see their children on a schedule that suits them.

We also have men who will frame their ex as unreasonable and difficult and refusing contact with DC without ever admitting that they’ve had chance after chance and blew through every one of them before she played difficult.

It’s funny that you put all the onus for mens failures to parent as they should on women. Any decent father would move heaven and earth to see their child. Not willing take a backseat when things get tricky.

The question is why do men have to move heaven and earth to see their children and women are assumed by default to be good parents, no question asked. When these women's own sons will encounter the unfairness of the system to access their children after a separation, only then they will realize the system went totally the other way.

Any physical contact she wants, she is desperate for a father, not having one is affecting her much more so I would put my feelings aside because it's not about me. Anyway it's not me coming onto their post saying "well you're lucky he still sees them because my ex doesn't bother" "think yourself lucky". Thats what's happening to me. I don't tell other women they are lucky their ex is around. Why is it considered a good thing if mine isn't? Dead beat dads are either a bad thing or not. Can't say it's good that a man doesn't bother yet go on to slate ones that don't...

Honestly @SpinningFloppa my DN is very hurt and damaged by continuing to see her father. He's never punched her or my Dsis in the face, which seems to be the general criteria for 'not abusive' in the real world.

He has yelled Fat Cunt at her mum in front of her numerous times, he has been arrested in front of her, he has been driving under the influence of drugs (probably with DN in the car), amongst all the other 'normal' shit things like not paying maintenance, cancelling at the last minute, bad mouthing her etc.

My sister has reported him to the police, social services, sent him solicitors letters regarding his criminal and unsafe behaviour. She still has to let my DN see him and it is clear to see the damage it has on her.

My Dsis obviously has not been broadcasting the above to the nice school mums.

You are angry with the wrong people and YABVU. It is perfectly understandable to never want to see your abuser again, or even never to see someone who routinely treats you with disrespect and disregard. It is also fine to express that, these women are still bloody facilitating their exes having relationships with their DC. You don't know the pain that their DC are going through.

The bar is so low for fathers and many are continuously trying to push it lower.

The poster commenting on here have literally said they would rather their ex disappear, you've said the same. That's my point that's is an odd view! Rather than wishing he was a better father or more involved? So with that view in mind don't be surprised when he does just that. And I don't for a second believe all men are bad, some women simply don't believe they should have to share their kids because they think they belong to them and they are 'letting ' the father see them.

I already acknowledged abuse. the women telling me in lucky are saying it's because I get them all to myself, get to see them everyday, don't have to share them, get to bring them up my way, those are the reasons I'm "lucky". Did I want to do that though? No. I would have used a donor if I saw those as positive things.

My dad was never involved and it certainly didn't do me any harm. My mum did a brilliant job on her own. I would have hated to have a half-hearted, forced relationship with someone who couldn't be arsed. I don't think it's best for the children at all, but courts seem to push for contact regardless. My mum always says she's glad he never bothered and so am I! I appreciate it would be a different story with a man of different character etc.