To think many women don’t want their ex involved?

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex doesn’t see our children because he doesn’t want to be involved. No real reason he just doesn’t want to be around. When I mention this to people they will usually fall over themselves to tell me how lucky I am that my ex doesn’t bother, and how they wish theirs wouldn’t bother. I’m not talking about cases of abuse that would be understandable (my ex however was not abusive to our kids) but they always go on to say that they hate “sharing” their kids with their ex and that I’m lucky I don’t have to and get to parent my own way. It’s always about how they feel and never any acknowledgment over how their kids would feel if their father didn’t want to see them.

Yet at the same time dead beat dads who don’t see or bother with their kids are rightly slated but it seems many women prefer the dead beat dad! So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around? 50/50 is apparently bad for children and they feel like they don’t belong anywhere but EOW is then considered not good enough and an uninvolved ex who only wants to do the fun parts of parenting but none of the hard work, so basically a Disney dad. What is the ideal contact set up or would most women just prefer if if their ex disappeared?

(Just to clarify again as I know people will comment on abuse but that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m not mentioning to people that my ex was abusive and now doesn’t see our kids and they are telling me I’m lucky, I’m simply saying he doesn’t see them and get met with “you’re lucky he doesn’t bother with them, I wish my ex didn’t bother!”)

My ex only sees the children for an hour or so a fortnight- no overnights and no plans for that for a few years

To be honest I find him an inconvenience now - I wish he'd disappear completely. He doesn't bring anything to my little family now

I didn't have children to not see them 50% of their lives either so I would say I'm one of those who would say a woman is "lucky" if the dad isn't on the scene at all.

Yes it's relentless and I don't get a break but to be honest even if it was every other weekend I still don't think that would be enough to facilitate me having a relationship with someone else so what's the point - I'd rather the kids be here with me

A lot of men claim that the mother is stopping them from seeing their children because the truth reflects badly on them.

I didn't suggest you should be.

Simply sharing my experience and can appreciate why some people are grateful not to have to deal with the stress that can be detrimental to their own mental health.

You're seeing their grass as greener and they're seeing yours as greener, when the reality is that both situations are far from the ideal 'two parents at home who love and respect each other' situation. İf they're struggling not having that full time parent role, they probably see your situation as easier, but you can just gently let them know that it isn't any easier. I wouldn't start blaming women for deadbeat dads though.

Yeah we all know a bloke who would say this about their ex, that they make it difficult to see their kids and they can tell their ex wishes they'd just bugger off.
On inspection its always men who want child contact to be around their work/social schedule (but don't want to pay for the childcare on 'their' days and if they do it comes out of what they pay their ex) and cancel things/change things/turn up late, are constantly forgetting things or not feeding the kids or not following a schedule, would never cross their minds to sort out holiday childcare or even ask what the plan is, are doing stupid stuff like introducing the kids to a new gf every other month and other safeguarding headaches, and then all the Disney dad behaviour.... and on top of this they don't really bother to get to know their kids so there's tension - booking activity holidays for shy unsporty kids, complaining that teenagers would rather be chatting with their mates than them, taking the piss out of their kids under the 'banter' banner then getting annoyed if their kid doesn't like it...

We all know these men because they are bloody everywhere!

@KILM agree.
and it’s important to realise the relationships have often broken down because of the same reasons.
I also agree that a lot of NRP complain they don’t have more time with their kids but in actual fact take no steps to develop a relationship with their children or to increase the contact. It’s all for show to cover up that they actually can’t be bothered with the hard parts of parenting

Ridiculous sexist post.

Struggling to get my head round this thread tbh.

It feels like OP is trying to make it women’s fault that non-resident dads are often a) worse-than-useless and therefore not welcomed with open arms on a permanent basis or b) entirely absent.

In case it really has escaped your notice, OP, on a societal scale, men’s contribution to parenting pales into insignificance when compared with women’s. Sure, there might be specific people who fall into this niche group that you’ve mentioned (women who have perfectly capable exes but don’t want any support from them), but this is not the big picture.

Not Blaming women but they are not helping when they go around saying “you should be glad he’s fucked off I wish my kids dad would!” It’s society as a whole not valuing the role of a father and stating they are not as important.

And if they are vocally expressing that they wish their children’s father would fuck off then don’t be surprised when they do or call them a dead beat. Can’t have it both ways.

Most men are perfectly capable of stepping up if they want to. Many don’t want to. That’s on them.

I think most mothers want what's best for their child

I would have love for my son to have had a good father son relationship but my ex is the epitome of a deadbeat dad. Don’t think I didn’t try to facilitate the relationship though! As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Misogynistic.

My ex can see ds as often as he wishes. He currently manages about 6hrs a week, at my home.

The format is always the same

Ex arrives, asks ds how school was, ds says fine. Maybe a three minute conversation
Ex reads his phone for three hours. Ds plays computer games.
Ex takes DS out for the cheapest burger & chips he can find. They eat in the car.
Both return to my sitting room.
Ex reads his phone for another two hours. DS plays computer games
Ex goes home.

Exactly the same almost every weekend for the last 11 years.

I would far prefer my ex got off his bum, interacted with his child, took him out somewhere educational or fun or even just healthy. Maybe put in some thought, a bit of effort. I'd rather he fed him something decent.

Apparently I am expecting too much. 🙄

The moment ds finds a girlfriend or a compelling hobby, I doubt he will bother seeing his dad. It's sad but the blame lies only in one place.

Op you asked a question and many, many posters have answered explained their reasoning to you.

I feel you are making this very black and white and refusing to acknowledge what people are saying.

Any comments you have received are likely to be a slightly clumsy attempt at making you feel better about your situation.

Personally I know not one single parent who wants their children with them 24/7 without good reason.
In fact most are desperate for some time to themselves.

What do you expect them to say?
Oh sorry to hear that, my ex is brilliant and brilliant with the kids?. That would just be rubbing it in your face. They are just being polite by focusing on the negatives and not mentioning the positives, do not read too much into it.

@SpinningFloppa You clearly have an agenda here.

Agreed. Society values fathers plenty. There is such a low bar to being considered a good dad or at least not a bad dad.

No that’s not how the conversation is going, this happens all the time but today I posted on a single parents support group asking how to help my daughter cope with the fact her father doesn’t want to see her as it’s causing a lot of upset and I need help to advice on helping with her feelings, no in response to that I don’t expect “wow you’re so lucky wish mine didn’t want to see them!” That’s literally what I’m getting so no I don’t expect that, I had to comment and say no when it’s hurting my daughter I’m not lucky. Even now when I post on there I feel I have to write at the bottom “please don’t tell me I’m lucky he doesn’t bother” as otherwise a lot of the comments will tell me I should be feeling thankful.

Take it you are not in many single parent groups then? It pops up time and time again women saying they don’t want their exes taking their child as they can’t bare being away from them and cry in bed when they are gone. It’s so “painful” and it “never gets better” so that’s why I get told I’m lucky because that’s how they feel. Don’t need to tell me I’m lucky I wouldn’t be crying in bed if my kids went to their dads for the weekend.

Okay if you say some mothers can't bear to be away from their children so don't want their exes involved then that must happen.
I don't know anyone with that view.
I suspect anyone who is unhappy with that view simply leaves the facebook group you are part of so it becomes an echo chamber for a certain kind of person.

Yes been active on several single parenting groups over the years.
Have never came across comments like that. Generally the opposite.

I hope you are OK op, have you any other support?

When I mention this to people they will usually fall over themselves to tell me how lucky I am that my ex doesn’t bother, and how they wish theirs wouldn’t bother.

I always thought these comments were made to make me feel better. Just like saying you look well when you don’t. Surely no mother would celebrate her children having no contact with their dad, especially if he is at least “acceptable” in parenting skills?

I am sure most mothers would rather expose their kids to an unreasonable dad (in marriage or not) rather than having their kids rejected by their dad.

No I don’t hence why it’s so difficult so these comments don’t help