Page 9 | To think many women don’t want their ex involved?

SpinningFloppa · 2023-02-26T12:03:32+00:00

My ex doesn’t see our children because he doesn’t want to be involved. No real reason he just doesn’t want to be around. When I mention this to people they will usually fall over themselves to tell me how lucky I am that my ex doesn’t bother, and how they wish theirs wouldn’t bother. I’m not talking about cases of abuse that would be understandable (my ex however was not abusive to our kids) but they always go on to say that they hate “sharing” their kids with their ex and that I’m lucky I don’t have to and get to parent my own way. It’s always about how they feel and never any acknowledgment over how their kids would feel if their father didn’t want to see them. Yet at the same time dead beat dads who don’t see or bother with their kids are rightly slated but it seems many women prefer the dead beat dad! So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around? 50/50 is apparently bad for children and they feel like they don’t belong anywhere but EOW is then considered not good enough and an uninvolved ex who only wants to do the fun parts of parenting but none of the hard work, so basically a Disney dad. What is the ideal contact set up or would most women just prefer if if their ex disappeared? (Just to clarify again as I know people will comment on abuse but that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m not mentioning to people that my ex was abusive and now doesn’t see our kids and they are telling me I’m lucky, I’m simply saying he doesn’t see them and get met with “you’re lucky he doesn’t bother with them, I wish my ex didn’t bother!”)

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 12:09

Georgeandzippyzoo · 28/02/2023 10:30

I'm not in this situation but I do work with children who often are. Being repeatedly let down, shown no care/interest etc can be very damaging to children, their self worth / self belief / resilience etc and sometimes it is better that they have one stable parent rather than 2 parents with 1 being unreliable towards their children.
My ex bil was treated like this by his parents. When DN was born he gave her the ultimatum that she couldn't be in and out of her life. She did it twice and he drew the line and went NC. Couldn't see his DD being treated as he was.

Not talking about those I'm talking about people who don't want their ex around because they simply don't like sharing the child and want to be with them at all times and hate being separated from them. Trust me women like this exist. Pretend all you want that they don't.

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Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 12:18

Also I think a lot of you are missing the point, whilst I don't doubt some exes are annoying that's not my situation and I don't need to be told I'm lucky or should be grateful he is not around. I didn't have children to parent them alone so where is the luck? Because your ex is annoying doesn't mean I should be grateful.

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Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 12:26

I think people are lucky that have 50/50 with their ex, that would be my ideal. But I wouldn’t come on a thread where a woman is struggling with it and saying how hard it is only to post “lucky you wish my ex wanted them 50/50” because I know that would be really insensitive.

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StepParent23 · 28/02/2023 13:28

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 12:26

I think people are lucky that have 50/50 with their ex, that would be my ideal. But I wouldn’t come on a thread where a woman is struggling with it and saying how hard it is only to post “lucky you wish my ex wanted them 50/50” because I know that would be really insensitive.

I can see there must be many difficulties with 50:50 but I agree it sounds like the best option alround.

Sorry your ex is shitty OP.

I absolutely adore being a Mum, I am married but DH works away and cannot imagine having less support and actually never having a break from parenting. Like you have said I think some Mothers who shut the dad out have a better family network.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 13:50

I 100% believe that's the case. They have great support networks and have people that will take their children if needed. Someone that will take their kids at night so they get a break,someone that will have their kids whilst they work, someone that will take their kids if there is an emergency or they feel unwell, someone who will help with the school run etc. So the ex not being around doesn't impact on them in the same way.I do everything and don't even get a break at the weekend to look forward to. He pays no maintenance he has managed to get out of that. No family support haven't spent a day or night away from them in 6 years. No one that will take my kids if I need a break because I'm so exhausted. Then I'm suppose to be grateful he's a deadbeat.

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StepParent23 · 28/02/2023 14:20

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 13:50

I 100% believe that's the case. They have great support networks and have people that will take their children if needed. Someone that will take their kids at night so they get a break,someone that will have their kids whilst they work, someone that will take their kids if there is an emergency or they feel unwell, someone who will help with the school run etc. So the ex not being around doesn't impact on them in the same way.I do everything and don't even get a break at the weekend to look forward to. He pays no maintenance he has managed to get out of that. No family support haven't spent a day or night away from them in 6 years. No one that will take my kids if I need a break because I'm so exhausted. Then I'm suppose to be grateful he's a deadbeat.

Sounds really tough. You need a break sometimes and it’s rubbish that you can’t have one like many can (and yet complain about).

LlynTegid · 28/02/2023 14:45

The ideal would be that such men never were in a relationship and never had children. Sadly will never be the case.

Tandora · 28/02/2023 14:54

Oh another thread blaming women for men’s crappy behaviour. Cool cool.
Wind your neck in OP, Mind your own and stop being so judgemental. People in glass houses and all…

LexMitior · 28/02/2023 18:53

Kids are not stupid. When they become adults they know who raised them. Inconsistent parents who can't do the graft tend to end up being marginal not just in terms of contact but actual impact. Some may regret it later, but children remember. And they act accordingly as adults.

Crap parents put their feelings first. They can't let go of the split and still engage with the partner because it's that they miss, not the child. The family courts of full of people like this. Most people are mature enough to take another decision.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 28/02/2023 20:09

@SpinningFloppa we are on similar threads and every time you are looking for recognition about how hard you have it and how easy other single parents have it in comparison....is there anything positive about your situation, because it comes across sometimes that you resent your children/life at times because you are always comparing what you don't have with others.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 20:12

You are right I am very resentful. I wouldn’t have become a parent if I knew I would be a single parent so that is true. No I can’t think of any positive at all.

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SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 20:19

FlippyFloppyShoe · 28/02/2023 20:09

@SpinningFloppa we are on similar threads and every time you are looking for recognition about how hard you have it and how easy other single parents have it in comparison....is there anything positive about your situation, because it comes across sometimes that you resent your children/life at times because you are always comparing what you don't have with others.

Have you considered OP might be very unhappy, possibly depressed, because of the situation she finds herself in.

Tandora · 28/02/2023 20:23

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 12:26

I think people are lucky that have 50/50 with their ex, that would be my ideal. But I wouldn’t come on a thread where a woman is struggling with it and saying how hard it is only to post “lucky you wish my ex wanted them 50/50” because I know that would be really insensitive.

you wouldn’t say they are lucky as that would be insensitive; but you would start a thread about what terrible , selfish parents they are for not appreciating (the fact that they are lucky)

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 20:29

Tandora · 28/02/2023 20:23

you wouldn’t say they are lucky as that would be insensitive; but you would start a thread about what terrible , selfish parents they are for not appreciating (the fact that they are lucky)

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No my thread is stop telling me I’m lucky as it works both ways! It’s not luck.

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Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 20:30

SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 20:19

Have you considered OP might be very unhappy, possibly depressed, because of the situation she finds herself in.

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Thank you, I’m expected to be happy about it for some reason.

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FlippyFloppyShoe · 28/02/2023 20:42

SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 20:19

Have you considered OP might be very unhappy, possibly depressed, because of the situation she finds herself in.

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Yes, but I don't know if the OP is getting help or recognises that it might be worth getting help with it.

Tandora · 28/02/2023 20:43

SpinningFloppa · 28/02/2023 20:29

No my thread is stop telling me I’m lucky as it works both ways! It’s not luck.

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I agree people shouldn’t be telling you you’re lucky. That’s hugely insensitive and complete crap. You are not lucky and I’m sorry for what you and your DD are going through, it’s very unfair. 💐
but your thread isn’t just about that or I think you would have had a lot more sympathy OP.
from what I understand, you want more understanding and empathy from other single mothers. Perhaps start by showing them some. Most mothers love and want the best for their children. Being a single mum is hard. Being solely responsible for a child is hard. having to coparent with an ex , especially When relationships are poor, is hard