To think many women don’t want their ex involved?

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex doesn’t see our children because he doesn’t want to be involved. No real reason he just doesn’t want to be around. When I mention this to people they will usually fall over themselves to tell me how lucky I am that my ex doesn’t bother, and how they wish theirs wouldn’t bother. I’m not talking about cases of abuse that would be understandable (my ex however was not abusive to our kids) but they always go on to say that they hate “sharing” their kids with their ex and that I’m lucky I don’t have to and get to parent my own way. It’s always about how they feel and never any acknowledgment over how their kids would feel if their father didn’t want to see them.

Yet at the same time dead beat dads who don’t see or bother with their kids are rightly slated but it seems many women prefer the dead beat dad! So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around? 50/50 is apparently bad for children and they feel like they don’t belong anywhere but EOW is then considered not good enough and an uninvolved ex who only wants to do the fun parts of parenting but none of the hard work, so basically a Disney dad. What is the ideal contact set up or would most women just prefer if if their ex disappeared?

(Just to clarify again as I know people will comment on abuse but that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m not mentioning to people that my ex was abusive and now doesn’t see our kids and they are telling me I’m lucky, I’m simply saying he doesn’t see them and get met with “you’re lucky he doesn’t bother with them, I wish my ex didn’t bother!”)

I think a lot of women just don't want to believe that women keep children from thier fathers without good reason but they do. Not in every situation obviously but it happens.

Nobody is saying it never happens. But it does not happen as often as is claimed.

I actually think it happens far more than people realise

Yeah I can well believe more than 50% of men for whom women have taken out CMS claims have committed DV. Probably more.

My mum has said lots of things like this over the years post-divorce, because my dad constantly let us down and also financially cost us all a great deal. I love him, but he is a terrible father.

However, the reality is that, beneath the flippant comment, her real feeling was that she felt responsible for picking such a dud father for us, and she would have desperately preferred a co-parent who was more of a positive impact in our lives.

Lots of people make comments that they don't necessarily truly mean.

Can you produce statistics on how often women are irrational and just do whatever they can to get their children away from their ex for no good reason? No, I thought not. We don't have statistics either way.

But I do know that in real life, I haven't met a single man who has had to go through this becuase of a genuinely crazy and mean ex.

I have met a couple of women who are so angry about their break ups etc that they have started out being a little irrational and inflexible regarding contact etc. (and I did acknowledge this in my post and no, it's not okay) but in most cases, I've seen that calm down as things calm down.

What I HAVE experience is the examples above. The men who make these claims but don't seem to understand that actually, parenting involves a whole LOT of compromise. I'm the main breadwinner and in a happy relationship with a man who does his share but you know what? If I want to spend time with my children, facilitate their social/academic/sporting lives etc I have to compromise. In relationships, women tend to the the ones who do this (leave work early, arrange flexitime, go part time - obviously, not in all cases but in MORE cases) but when the relationships break down I see all these single dads who still seem to think they don't have to do any of this compromising and can still just see their children when it's convenient to them. That's not how it works and expecting an ex to continue to do all the compromising is magical thinking of the highest order.

The very occasional woman who does find a way to restrict access to her children for spite should absolutely be vilified. It's just not that common from what I can see. In stead, most single mothers are on their knees begging their exes to take the DC a bit more.

I get that MN is not necessarily a true reflection of real life, but I see thread after thread on here from women desperate for their exes to turn up, take the children, be reliable etc. I see threads from women trying to work out how to handle an ex who disappeared for 2 years and has now reappeared and they want to facilitate contact but they're terrified of what that will mean for their children. I see threads from women tearing their hair out because their ex is a disney dad who takes the kids to mcdonald's every weekend, makes them sleep in inappropriate places, doesn't have a clean living environment etc.

And when there is the odd woman who is clearly just bitter, she gets lambasted and told the children need to be able to have a relationship with the father.

I also love the threads from dads on here. So often, they come on with the sob story about their ex but then it all starts coming out - they chose to move after the divorce and now live in another county, they do want to see their DC but can only do every Saturday and Sunday and can't understand why the ex might not want her children to be gone every weekend seeing as she "gets" them Mon-Fri. I especially love the ones who complain about having to pay CMS.

So yes, there must be the type of women who are vindictive - I absolutely believe that - but they certainly don't seem to be a dime a dozen.

Most mothers want what is best for their children. So if their dad is decent and the children are therefore happy when they see their dad, then they want their children to spend time with their dad.
The issues arise when the dad is not a good add and the children do not want to see him.

Personally, I'm always amazed at how often women are twisting themselves into pretzels to facilitate contact with useless men. I can't help thinking that in most cases, the children would be better off with zero access rather than what they get. But I appreciate that the children desperately want a father in their lives!

As I watched BIL come into SIL's house the other day, have an argument and storm out again all without so much as acknowledging their DC's existence (and obviously, not mine either - less of an issue though), I did find myself thinking, "when he finally gets bored and stops coming around, maybe that will be better for these little boys".

Bad maths from a MRA Guess what, a lot of women will claim domestic violence to avoid paying the fee. 50% of child maintenance cases are opened by women that claim domestic violence. Do you really believe that 50% of men are domestic abusers?

I' don't believe it is that easy to get the authorities to believe there was dv, but leaving that aside.

A lot of men stay with their family. Of the ones who do separate, some make a private arrangement about payments and some receive payments from the mother. So, 50% of men being sued for cm is actually a small minority of men, not 50% of men.

I think if you looked at the statistics the vast majority of people, something like 90 percent make arrangements without court.

For those minority of cases that do go, citing domestic violence or other serious safeguarding factors should not be s surprise. You are talking about extreme cases where there has been a risk disclosed and the court needs to rule.

I can see your point OP but I’m firmly in the camp that my DS does not need his deadbeat “dad” who decided a year ago he didn’t want contact with DS anymore. He was age 5 at the time. He caused massive conflict and significant instability for my child, who already had an attachment disorder (we adopted him when he was 1, separated when he was 3). His choice to walk away has enabled conversations with my son about how some people make bad choices, about how he did not deserve the way his “dad” treated him. An ongoing relationship between them would have made it much harder for my DS to understand that his dad was a piece of crap and he would have learnt that the behaviour (which bordered on physically abusive and had police and social services involved because of his heavy handedness with DS) was not acceptable. I don’t doubt it had caused significant damage to my DS but it is the lesser of two evils because we are working through it with significant early therapeutic input.

Who claims? How do you know?

Yes exactly, it really isn't surprising that the men who get have to get dragged to court to get child maintenance out of them are also more likely to be abusive.

It is not sued by CMS. Its parents that use the CMS to arrange payments either by Direct Payments or Collect and Pay.

What statistics? Please share.

No it's not ok that someone said you were lucky. You should have said back. Well I don't feel very lucky and this isn't what I signed up for. Like others have said people say you are lucky until it happens to them. I'm sure it's not meant in a malicious way but people often say things to be clever or funny but don't really think about the weight behind their words.

I apologise. I am convinced. There are no bad, vindictive mothers. I read it here. Also, I read here that 99.99999 percent of men are bad You are right. All men should be kept away from their children.

Hey taxpayer, you can check out the Ministry of Justice for the stats.

It is a minority of cases that go to court. Of those cases, there are disclosed factors to be considered by judges. That's the law as it applies. While not perfect, it means that we can see most cases which are going to court have such issues but these number of cases are tiny compared to the reasonable arrangements most parents make between each other,

So most splits are handled fine, but those minority of cases in court have to have some third party involvement for good reason. This is not new either. Most people can sort out their child arrangements without going to court and do.

Ooh, the over exaggerated sarcastic push back claiming things that NO ONE has said on this thread... it does (sadly) sometimes work in real life as the women it's used on feel the need to defend themselves. But it's not going to work here where we're all perfectly calm and know exactly what has and has not been said.

here are some statistics about court cases to number of family ratios

As stated by @LexMitior most situations are handled by families privately.

I would prefer it, coz ex is a dick and my life would be easier, but I can also appreciate my DC wouldn't prefer it and it is beneficial for them...but it isn't for me...the two things are entirely separate.

How can you say "most splits are handled fine" without any knowledge? You don't know. I don't know either. You are just guessing and that is the problem. I was just trying to support the OP relating my experience but I didn't say most men are victims because I think I read it on Facebook. Or all men are good because my neighbor is good, etc. Believe what you want but at some point, it will affect you too. Even if you are a woman, your son (if you have one) will be affected in the future.

Yep, this kind of toys-out-of-the-pram thing shows that (1) you aren’t in good faith and (2) you can’t handle the fact that you can’t convince anyone

I congratulate you. That should be the attitude. Of course, it is easier for you to remove the father as you don't have to discuss the religion, the school, the health, etc. But it is not good for your children.