To think many women don’t want their ex involved?

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex doesn’t see our children because he doesn’t want to be involved. No real reason he just doesn’t want to be around. When I mention this to people they will usually fall over themselves to tell me how lucky I am that my ex doesn’t bother, and how they wish theirs wouldn’t bother. I’m not talking about cases of abuse that would be understandable (my ex however was not abusive to our kids) but they always go on to say that they hate “sharing” their kids with their ex and that I’m lucky I don’t have to and get to parent my own way. It’s always about how they feel and never any acknowledgment over how their kids would feel if their father didn’t want to see them.

Yet at the same time dead beat dads who don’t see or bother with their kids are rightly slated but it seems many women prefer the dead beat dad! So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around? 50/50 is apparently bad for children and they feel like they don’t belong anywhere but EOW is then considered not good enough and an uninvolved ex who only wants to do the fun parts of parenting but none of the hard work, so basically a Disney dad. What is the ideal contact set up or would most women just prefer if if their ex disappeared?

(Just to clarify again as I know people will comment on abuse but that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m not mentioning to people that my ex was abusive and now doesn’t see our kids and they are telling me I’m lucky, I’m simply saying he doesn’t see them and get met with “you’re lucky he doesn’t bother with them, I wish my ex didn’t bother!”)

I hate this attitude so much and agree with you OP. My nephew's mum would be over the moon if my brother didn't want to be involved and just paid her child support, completely selfish on her part. children benefit from having a good relationship with both parents.

Point is fathers are not valued. Well it doesn’t matter if they don’t bother, you’re lucky! No one would say that if it was a mother that had abandoned her kids.

Thank you someone that actually gets it but again people will insist there must be secret abuse and won’t acknowledge that some women actually just don’t want their ex around and want their kids to themselves.

it’s not fathers not being valued - it’s a greater proportion of fathers not understanding the value of the relationship themselves. Men gain status by being fathers purely by having a child, but minimal status is gained by them actually doing anything to raise their children. Fathers/men could solve this but choose not to, because it means more effort for them and they know mothers are picking up the pieces

My brother was also lucky that he could afford a solicitor. A lot of men can't.

I think the worst sort are the unreliable ones. Children looking forward to seeing their father then he either doesn't turn up or cancels at the last minute. And then the mother is left to deal with upset chikdren.

Seriously, this is what you hear?! I’m genuinely shocked as everyone I know would either give their back teeth for the dads to get more involved or are fully coparenting, discussing the kids and the progress pretty much equally and ensuring that the kids know that just because they aren’t together anymore, doesn’t mean they aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet. Most of those have the kids half each (so half the week each and every other weekend, and birthdays etc shared). They live close by and the kids consider both places ‘home’ and know they are always welcome in either.

Why on earth would you want your ex to do less unless he is either abusive or a super bad influence? (At which point, yah, rearview mirror mate).

@SpinningFloppa it’s an interesting point, in someways I think it goes against the grain for mothers to let children out of their sight for long periods of time. This is likely especially true when they are with someone who let you down and you subsequently can’t trust. I think this worry increases when there are new partners in the mix. lots of men are equally good or better parents than the mother of their children, these tend not to be the men who’s marriages that end in divorce though, mostly

Point is fathers are not valued. Well it doesn’t matter if they don’t bother, you’re lucky! No one would say that if it was a mother that had abandoned her kids.

But what other people say / what some mothers might think doesn't automatically correlate with men choosing to have a relationship with their own children or not. If they value the relationship they have with their DC in its own right, then they'll continue to pursue it irrespective of what anyone else thinks. If they don't, then they won't.

I would LOVE for my kids dad to be more involved. He used to be, had them multiple days a week and had a lovely relationship with them. He met someone new then couldn't be bothered. Saw them 12 hours last year, I've tried everything to make him make an effort but all I get in a return is nasty comments.

There were times when I thought it'd be easier if my ex just fucked off for good.

That's only because he's such a half-arsed parent I often wondered why he bothered when it seemed like such a chore to him, despite the fact that he could have had time with DD at any time.

As a result, DD is 16 and she cant be arsed with him.

I know someone whose ex told their daughter he was taking her and a friend on holiday. Made all the arrangements with the friend and everything.

All waiting and packed and he didn’t turn up to go to the airport. No explanation. Nothing.

He was in and out of his kids’ lives until they said they wanted no contact. His behaviour has really screwed up their lives.

It would’ve been far better if he just fucked off for good.

Yup. I’ve seen both sides. Mothers trying to ban contact with caring dads who provide a good environment and care whilst with them and also Mothers who aren’t really all that interested in having the kids but keep hold of them as a means of extorting money from their ex.

Oh yeah, that huge money-making scheme CMS <eye roll>

again, it is far far more common for mothers to be struggling to get shitty fathers to pay even a small amount towards their children

men really don’t have to do much to be considered good fathers, but a good proportion seem to find it hard to even put that effort in

I think there is something in it tbh

I was raised by a dedicated, loving single mum. No dad. Never met him. Never missed him. Never wondered what I did wrong to stop him bothering with me.

I have seen a lot of children, especially girls massively screwed up by t blaming themselves for their fathers inadequate efforts at parenting.

I suffered a lot less damage just knowing he was a bloke who ran from the idea of me rather than building a relationship that always makes me feel like I’m somehow not good enough for him to stick around for.

While I’ve seen a few coparentimg relationships that are healthy for the children often they are punted about and argued about like property.
I’ve certainly seen plenty of examples where I think the kids would have been better off with an absent father than strung along to win power over the mum or impress the string of new girlfriends.

In my experience and that of plenty of other single mums I know, we did everything we could to maintain a good relationship between our DC and their father, even though it was difficult for us. We’d also really rather like some financial assistance with raising the DC they helped to create, and being a lone parent 100% of the time without a break is hard going, so you know, if the other parent looked after their DC from time to time that would also be nice.

I had a much better experience completely solo parenting than I've ever seen anyone coparenting with an ex.

I made my dc, I want what's best for them and dont want to have to negotiate that with someone else.

If I was a young woman of today I'd go/recommend the anon sperm donor route.

My ex sees our kids for one night a week,which is asked for in court,after he hadn't seen them for 18 months,he left for OW & her kids,started a family with her & told our kids nothing,our kids are 5 &2,I encourage the contact but my 5 year old hates it,he cries for hours before it,& then is anxiety ridden he will have to go back,so for me I've done it alone without him & I was good,the kids were great. I still do everything alone school, appointments etc,I pay for everything as he refuses to pay anything I've got €50 off him since he left 2 years ago & I need to apply for court to set up Child support which I'm in the process of . So for me to save my son from the mental anxiety every week I do wish he'd just go away,as selfish as that seems,my kids don't miss him when he's too busy or like next week has something to do, leaving it to my 5 year old to tell me the new baby is being born apparently, between them they have 8 kids,6 of whom he says are his,ignores the other 2 as they are the result of affairs he had & only supports the kids with OW. I had kids to raise in a stable family, he didn't.

There's an obvious line to be drawn between an ongoing relationship with the kids and any attempt at such with between the adults.

Many might t wish the ex would stop forcing the latter whilst still supporting the former.

You're wrong.

My older kids had a dad in and out of their lives when he felt like it. It's really screwed them up in a lot of ways. They have never been happier than when they cut him out completely.

I tolerated too much because I thought a shit dad was better than no dad at all.

My younger dcs dad is on his last chance now after a few instances of being an utter twat and letting them down completely. I will not hesitate to stop his tiny amount of contact and have it formalised in court if he leaves those two little kids sitting in their coats waiting for him to collect them while he sleeps off whatever he had been doing the day before again.

It was much easier for me when my ex removed himself from the local area and stopped contacting us. No one needs that kind of negativity on their doorstep on a regular basis.

I don't agree that's the right thing for the children however.

So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around?

Are you actually blaming women for men being deadbeat dads?!

I have no idea whether it’s common, but dh’s ex was very much like this.

to her, dh’s role was taking the kids when she wanted, paying the money, that’s it.

if he dared have an opinion, wanted to attend parents evenings, know about medical appointments or any input on school choice etc, then it was “interfering” and she’d shut it down completely, so in the end he had to get a solicitors letter drawn up to show to schools etc so they were forced to keep him informed.

I think that’s how many women would prefer it tbh.

“I think that’s how many women would prefer it tbh.”

what makes you think many women would prefer that based on your experience of one?

Again there are many women whose exes are good parents but they still don't want them involved. Been on the divorce board, been on single parent groups. Seen it again and again, many women wish their exes would just disappear because THEY don't like sharing the children , THEY don't like being separated from their children. I've seen women saying they cry their eyes out every time their child goes to their exes because they can't face being separated from them and it "never gets easier" these are the women telling me im lucky my ex doesn't bother because I dont have to share them and get to be around them all the time. I've heard women saying they didn't have kids to only be with them 50% of the time. This isn't just women with abusive or rubbish exes many women don't want their exes involved for their own selfish reasons.