To think many women don’t want their ex involved?

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex doesn’t see our children because he doesn’t want to be involved. No real reason he just doesn’t want to be around. When I mention this to people they will usually fall over themselves to tell me how lucky I am that my ex doesn’t bother, and how they wish theirs wouldn’t bother. I’m not talking about cases of abuse that would be understandable (my ex however was not abusive to our kids) but they always go on to say that they hate “sharing” their kids with their ex and that I’m lucky I don’t have to and get to parent my own way. It’s always about how they feel and never any acknowledgment over how their kids would feel if their father didn’t want to see them.

Yet at the same time dead beat dads who don’t see or bother with their kids are rightly slated but it seems many women prefer the dead beat dad! So is it any wonder many men don’t bother when women make it clear they would prefer it if they weren’t around? 50/50 is apparently bad for children and they feel like they don’t belong anywhere but EOW is then considered not good enough and an uninvolved ex who only wants to do the fun parts of parenting but none of the hard work, so basically a Disney dad. What is the ideal contact set up or would most women just prefer if if their ex disappeared?

(Just to clarify again as I know people will comment on abuse but that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m not mentioning to people that my ex was abusive and now doesn’t see our kids and they are telling me I’m lucky, I’m simply saying he doesn’t see them and get met with “you’re lucky he doesn’t bother with them, I wish my ex didn’t bother!”)

As I said, I’ve seen both sides. I wasn’t ignoring the existence of either.

But in this example the mother is allowing contact but isn't happy about it, understandably.

Imagine how hard it is when you have had your children with you all the time and then your relationship breaks down through no fault of your own and you have to now share your children 50/50, it would be soul destroying.

I am lucky that my ex doesn't want custody and does EOW as I would hate to be away from my children that much. If he really pushed for 50/50 I would have to, but I wouldn't be happy about it.

This is what you said, neither situation refers to the situations I was talking about, you are only talking about mothers being awful people:

”Yup. I’ve seen both sides. Mothers trying to ban contact with caring dads who provide a good environment and care whilst with them and also Mothers who aren’t really all that interested in having the kids but keep hold of them as a means of extorting money from their ex.”

Can't speak for everyone but in my case, no I don't want him involved

He's an alcoholic with a bad temper, prone to punching holes in walls right next to my head

He's driven with his other dd in his car while being well over the limit (was reported)

I'm very very thankful he wanted nothing to do with my dd

If she wants to see him when she's older then I'll support her obviously, but while she's little I would never encourage it

Because I was referring it back to the OP - not back to your reply on the thread.

Right, so what both sides were you talking about then? It’s confusing if you reference my reply but aren’t replying to me.

But that’s what I’m saying eow isn’t good enough either as when posters post on here saying their ex sees the kids every other weekend he is called a Disney dad and slagged off for not doing any real parenting!

Oh and btw the mother isn’t “allowing contact” 🤦🏻 that comment proves my point

My ex is a Disney parent and I suck that up because I don't want him doing the parenting, he is terrible at it. He can barely manage a weekend without getting overwhelmed.

Am I a bad mum because I don't want him seeing them more? No, I am realistic that his parenting abilities are sub par at the best of times. Do I facilitate a relationship despite wanting him to fuck off to the far side of fuck? Yes I do.

I think it's insensitive to your family to say that they wish their ex wasn't involved but many fathers are just rubbish and life would be easier without them for the mum and the kids. Many women do everything they can to facilitate a relationship despite the father's being fuckwits. If a man wants to be an active, good father then he's not going to be put off by a mother saying she doesn't want him involved is he?

I think it depends. If it's a choice between no interest and someone who keeps sticking their oar in and causing trouble, people would prefer no interest. If it's between no interest and someone who wants to share parenting and doesn't cause drama, people would prefer to share and have two parents for their children.

It’s people on MN that say it’s rubbish when a man only sees his kids eow because he’s just a Disney dad and doesn’t do any real parenting. Seems sometimes they can’t win.

This.

So many fathers are deadbeats. Stop blaming women for men shirking their responsibilities. Stop minimising the emotional harm they cause their children.

You are unreasonable to set up a thread beating up single mums to make you feel better about your single mum situation when your problem and your kids' probkem is with their dad.

Both of my children's dad's were deadbeat. The younger one's DF disappeared off the face of the earth when ds was 2 yo. The older one's DF maintained contact but many years later I found out that ds was frightened of him, and he used to drink drive with ds in the car. It would have been better if he'd disappeared too.

In some cases the dad being involved would be more harmful than him just disappearing. I know a couple of women who got pregnant to bad men and didn’t tell him about the baby in order to prevent him being in their lives and causing problems.

I think there are pros and cons, and this is too simplistic.

My children see their dad. It is really difficult to work with him, as he is an immensely difficult, selfish and moody person. However, I feel that it is (just) in their interests to spend time with him, and especially to know that their father wants to spend time with them.

It is also better for me that I have some child free time, and enables me to hold down a job with longer hours that I’d be able to alone.

So yes it’s tough dealing with a difficult ex, and there are times when you do wish they’d fuck off altogether. But I think that’s different to actually wanting to do it all alone iyswim.

I agree it’s absolutely a wonder that some men - parents - don’t want to stick around and be with their children. I wouldn’t leave my children and not see them just because my ex didn’t want it!

I can understand both sides

Shocked that women would be like this apart from when dad is abusive etc. Otherwise it's horrific to keep a dad from his kids and he should have 50%.

Then single mums should stop telling me I’m lucky my ex doesn’t bother with his kids. Wouldn’t need to start a thread then!

My child's father pays maintenance but lives in a different country so she has only seen him once in the last 2 years. I don't have family who can help me, I would be happier if he could take her eow to give me a rest. I work part time and full time student and feel completely stressed that I don't have time to work or relax.

Exactly

I would love to have some regular time off from parenting. That’s why I don’t relate to “you’re lucky to be with your kids every minute of the day” I suspect those that say that probably have a lot of family support so their ex not bothering doesn’t impact on them in quite the same way.

Hmm, my experience is ex loves his children, financially supports them and wants a relationship with them, and when all is well they enjoy spending time with him, however in all honesty dealing with him causes me no end of stress.

He has issues with alcohol, mental health concerns has no interest in actually parenting his children. To the extent that they feel responsible for him.
He is completely unreliable, I have given up making any plans for myself as they will 9 times out of 10 be cancelled as he is unfit to care for them when arranged .
Would my life be easier without him in it... Most definitely!

For you… but that doesn’t mean it would be for me so I should be grateful.