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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP can’t keep his hands off of me

317 replies

7whiteclouds · 24/02/2023 23:12

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 10:41

@BabyOnBoard90

Do you personally believe, based solely on OP's posts, her husband is sexually assaulting her?

You seem to be implying there's a possibility it's not assault. Would be interested to know if that's the case?

Megifer · 25/02/2023 10:41

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 09:50

I'm open to challenge, just not with moot points or ad hominems.

Show quote history

Moot point? Like twittering on about not everyone minding being groped when the op has said she doesn't like being groped?

That sort of moot point?

ConfusedNT · 25/02/2023 10:42

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:29

Can't see where I've said it's not his fault. I responded to OP. You're the one quoting me

Show quote history

By calling this a compatibility issue you are minimising the man's behaviour and shifting blame from him aka its not his fault

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:43

ilovesooty · 25/02/2023 10:37

So it's your opinion still that this is a? compatibility issue, not sexual assault?

Show quote history

I think she should leave him if she's uncomfortable and unhappy.

WisherWood · 25/02/2023 10:44

He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further.

For the idiots hard of hearing at the back, this isn't about mismatched sex drives. I doubt it ever was. This is about her DP viewing her as his property in some way and as a piece of meat. It's about him establishing some form of dominance over her and humiliating her - that's why he's doing this at inappropriate times and when she feels ill. Men aren't some poor unfortunate beasts who can't help but grope you if they haven't had any for a week. What he is doing is very deliberate and is about a lot more than sex.

What changed six months ago, OP? That might give you some idea about where the balance of your relationship lies. But either way, I'd be making plans to end this. Sure, the children might have less material stuff. But at the moment, you're building them up for a lifetime of bad relationships, and that's got to be worse.

ilovesooty · 25/02/2023 10:45

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:43

I think she should leave him if she's uncomfortable and unhappy.

Show quote history

You're implying that she is the one with the problem, as it's a compatibility issue.

Would you have a problem with being sexually assaulted?

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:46

monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 10:41

@BabyOnBoard90

Do you personally believe, based solely on OP's posts, her husband is sexually assaulting her?

You seem to be implying there's a possibility it's not assault. Would be interested to know if that's the case?

I don't know as this mat we be a case study of faceless strangers. I believe she has autonomy to leave and escalate to local enforcement if she wishes.

Megifer · 25/02/2023 10:48

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:46

I don't know as this mat we be a case study of faceless strangers. I believe she has autonomy to leave and escalate to local enforcement if she wishes.

Show quote history

Its not difficult.

If someone is being touched sexually when they have asked it to stop, is this sexual assault?

Its a yes or no question.

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:49

Megifer · 25/02/2023 10:41

Moot point? Like twittering on about not everyone minding being groped when the op has said she doesn't like being groped?

That sort of moot point?

Show quote history

However you interpret it

ConfusedNT · 25/02/2023 10:49

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:34

I think it's clearly a factor. But there's nothing stopping OP from leaving and contacting the police if she feels otherwise.

Show quote history

Do you really not understand the complexities of leaving an abusive relationship?

It sounds like the OP works with her partner or for the family business. Because if she leaves she will have no job. Its really difficult to take a step to thrust yourself into poverty especially when you have children.

If she tries to get another job she risks alerting her partner. And whilst he appears to be sexually rather than violently abusive, sexual absue and violence are two sides of the coin and when woman are preparing to leave an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for them. 2 women are killed a week in the UK by men, usually in abusive relationships so the risk is very real.

Meanwhile she has no where to move to and with no income her options are extremely limited

She could potentially also be being financially abused because she mentions a 6 figure income but appears to have no access to or savings of her own but that's unclear.

And she could go to the police but the police aren't exactly know for handling sexual assault and rape well. And whilst making women who are being abused aware that goingnto the police is an option you would have to be highly naive to not understand why a woman living with an abuser would not want to risk inflaming the situation

monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 10:50

@BabyOnBoard90

I asked directly if you consider the description below to be unequivocally sexual assault;

He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further.

The fact you 'don't know' is terrifying and tbh makes me feel a bit sorry for you as I can't imagine having such skewed expectations and poor boundaries.

I hope you aren't in a position to advise anyone in an abusive relationship IRL if that description isn't a 100%, no question description of sexual assault.

monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 10:51

@BabyOnBoard90

If someone is sexually touching someone and they say to stop, and they refuse to stop, is that always sexual assault? If not, what is it?

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:53

Megifer · 25/02/2023 10:48

Its not difficult.

If someone is being touched sexually when they have asked it to stop, is this sexual assault?

Its a yes or no question.

Show quote history

I've already made my views on OP clear.

I'm not debating hypotheticals.

Megifer · 25/02/2023 10:54

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:49

However you interpret it

Show quote history

Do you use a different definition of moot point?

You going on about some people not minding being groped is irrelevant when the op has said she doesn't like being groped.

Irrelevant point = moot point.

hth.

ilovesooty · 25/02/2023 10:55

Megifer · 25/02/2023 10:48

Its not difficult.

If someone is being touched sexually when they have asked it to stop, is this sexual assault?

Its a yes or no question.

Show quote history

Exactly. It seems like a simple question to me.

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:56

ConfusedNT · 25/02/2023 10:49

Do you really not understand the complexities of leaving an abusive relationship?

It sounds like the OP works with her partner or for the family business. Because if she leaves she will have no job. Its really difficult to take a step to thrust yourself into poverty especially when you have children.

If she tries to get another job she risks alerting her partner. And whilst he appears to be sexually rather than violently abusive, sexual absue and violence are two sides of the coin and when woman are preparing to leave an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for them. 2 women are killed a week in the UK by men, usually in abusive relationships so the risk is very real.

Meanwhile she has no where to move to and with no income her options are extremely limited

She could potentially also be being financially abused because she mentions a 6 figure income but appears to have no access to or savings of her own but that's unclear.

And she could go to the police but the police aren't exactly know for handling sexual assault and rape well. And whilst making women who are being abused aware that goingnto the police is an option you would have to be highly naive to not understand why a woman living with an abuser would not want to risk inflaming the situation

Show quote history

You've added speculative context to build your own narrative. I'm unwilling to debate hypotheticals. She's free to leave, regardless of if she's willing to leave.

ArtixLynx · 25/02/2023 10:56

OP, i'm going to be blunt here, because this was my Ex.

How long are you going to leave it? Until he's trying to have sex with you while you're asleep? Because thats where my ExH took it too.. trying to rape me.

Of course he doesn't see it like that, still doesn't now 6 years later.. he thinks his behaviour was perfectly acceptable.. actually said to me.. "you were always going to tell me no, so i thought, fuck it, i might as well cop a feel while i've got chance."

THAT is the journey your DP is on.

Megifer · 25/02/2023 10:56

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:53

I've already made my views on OP clear.

I'm not debating hypotheticals.

Show quote history

Well, its not hypothetical, its happening to the op.

But, I understand, you don't want to answer because it means backpeddling. I get that can be a bit embarrassing 😬

ilovesooty · 25/02/2023 10:57

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:49

However you interpret it

Show quote history

So what you're saying is that this might not be sexual assault but the OP can leave him if she thinks it is?

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 10:59

monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 10:50

@BabyOnBoard90

I asked directly if you consider the description below to be unequivocally sexual assault;

He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further.

The fact you 'don't know' is terrifying and tbh makes me feel a bit sorry for you as I can't imagine having such skewed expectations and poor boundaries.

I hope you aren't in a position to advise anyone in an abusive relationship IRL if that description isn't a 100%, no question description of sexual assault.

Advising someone to leave if they feel uncomfortable? Lol okay

ilovesooty · 25/02/2023 11:01

Again you imply that feeling uncomfortable with sexual assault is a matter of opinion.

monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 11:01

Again, @BabyOnBoard90, why can't you answer this with a yes or no?

If someone is being touched sexually when they have asked it to stop, is this sexual assault?

If your child as a teen / adult says this to you, what would your yes or no answer be?

"Mum, my boyfriend keeps touching me sexually even after I tell him to stop. Is that sexual assault?"

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 11:02

Megifer · 25/02/2023 10:56

Well, its not hypothetical, its happening to the op.

But, I understand, you don't want to answer because it means backpeddling. I get that can be a bit embarrassing 😬

Show quote history

Not backpeddling at all. There's absolutely no way I could ever feel any sort of shame/embarrassment from faceless strangers on the Internet lol.

I stand by everything I said

ilovesooty · 25/02/2023 11:04

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 11:02

Not backpeddling at all. There's absolutely no way I could ever feel any sort of shame/embarrassment from faceless strangers on the Internet lol.

I stand by everything I said

Show quote history

So you're insisting this is a compatibility issue not assault and it's up to the OP to leave if she feels uncomfortable

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 11:04

monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 11:01

Again, @BabyOnBoard90, why can't you answer this with a yes or no?

If someone is being touched sexually when they have asked it to stop, is this sexual assault?

If your child as a teen / adult says this to you, what would your yes or no answer be?

"Mum, my boyfriend keeps touching me sexually even after I tell him to stop. Is that sexual assault?"

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4750492-dp-cant-keep-his-hands-off-of-me?reply=124178236&utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share