DP can’t keep his hands off of me

[7whiteclouds]

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

He is sexually assaulting you @7whiteclouds . Please find a way to separate from him.

You care enough to persist in justify and excusing assault.

Dressing this up as six of one half a dozen of the other is disgusting.

An accurate, non apologist summary would be:

She has the right not to be sexually assaulted.

He is wrong to sexually assault her.

Is one person sexually assaulting their partner a mere sex drive mismatch?

Agreed.

No

The OP is not responsible for her partners health

The OP does not need to persuade him to seek medical attention

The OP should certainly not attend counselling with her abuser

If I had a sudden health change which mean that I felt the urge to sexually assaulted my husband I would take myself A&E, I wouldn't continue to assault her and expect her to do research on what was wrong with me and fix it

Women are not here to fix faulty men ffs

This is about her DP viewing her as his property in some way and as a piece of meat. It's about him establishing some form of dominance over her and humiliating her - that's why he's doing this at inappropriate times and when she feels ill

Yes, if that had been the case from the start, but OP says, and you acknowledge yourself, that this has only become a problem in the last six months. More indicative of a recent change - maybe underlying health problem or something similar ?

I respond cause I want to. Not because I care about the opinion of a faceless stranger

The problem is if you just ignore posts that minimise and excuse abuse then you give those posters who are not ready to admit they are being abused the posts that convince them what's happening is okay because that person on the thread thinks it But you are right I think that poster has been challenged robustly enough to hopefully stop that happening

@7whiteclouds

He clearly has no respect for you and no idea of boundaries

I couldn't bare this myself I'd be telling him to leave!

I would be saying that until he stops touching me then he will never get any sex. When you feel like it, you’ll let him know.
If after that continues to disrespect you by ignoring your no’s or constantly touching you, then you have to end the marriage. This level of disrespect must be obvious in other areas of your marriage if he totally ignores you on this one. I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Sorry, should have remembered, this is MN. AT NO POINT did I suggest that she is ‘responsible’ for her partners’ health. I posted the link for her to have a look and see if she could identify other associated behaviour. I forgot it’s much easier to LTB than to acknowledge there may be an underlying health problem and actually try to help. I may be old fashioned but my marriage vows included the words ‘in sickness and in health’ and if there is an underlying condition which is easily treated, isn’t that worth exploring instead of splitting up a family ?

Can't believe there are people on this thread who can't understand the difference between consensual "groping" that they are happy with in their relationship; and being groped repeatedly after telling someone to stop doing it (ie sexual assault).

Literally makes me despair.

OP, echoing what (most) other people are saying, he is completely disrespectful and he is sexually assaulting you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

He can keep his hands off you he just chooses not to.

Doesn’t seem like it because they’ve been together 10 years and this has only become a problem in the last few months. Something else is clearly going on.

Is there a medical issue that causes men to grope women against their will?

No I don't think on sickness and in health covers 'even if he sexually assaults me'

I believe the law, aka this is a crime, overrides my marriage vows

And he's hardly holding up 'to love and to cherish' is he but then they aren't married anyway

I have no idea why there is a trend more recently for posters to come on threads about clearly abusive men and try and make it it must be because of medical reasons

If there is such an outbreak of medical reasons causing men to rape and assault and abuse you would think something would be being done about it

this is MN

Aka the place where women can come for support and guidance out of an abusive relationship

And yet still we get derided for it, what bitches we are 🙄

What did I just read.

Unbelievable.

😳

No one is comparable with a sexual abuser.

FUCK OFF.
So many abuse apologists on this thread. It’s so depressing.

🤣 At least some of these sorts of posters seem like they are being serious initially.

Not even trying, 2/10.

What the actual fuck

It's better that she is sexuall assaulted than cheated on

Because obviously those are the only two options. a man could just be a decent man of course