DP can’t keep his hands off of me

[7whiteclouds]

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection”

I know it's easy to say LTB to a stranger, but, honestly, I could not be having with someone who moans about things.

My first serious relationship was like this, it took me took long to notice how it ducks the joy from life. Got rid of him sharpish once I noticed.

Maybe you don't find someone moaning very physically attractive and that's why you don't initiate.

You really thought it was OK to type that?

apparently it’s better a man sexually assaults the woman he owns, rather than trying to stick his hand down the pants of Becky on reception and therefore ‘cheating’, you know, because the poor rapey bastard man just can’t control himself 🥺

You need to put in place plans to leave and be ready to follow through before confronting him again. My worry is that he is escalating. First he was happy with your boundaries. Now he routinely sexually harasses you and is beginning to sexually assault you, despite you repeatedly telling him not to. Next will be outright sexual assault and rape. Get out now.

I don’t disagree that she is being assaulted - actually posted that earlier on. But why are things always so black and white on MN ? And yes, there are possible medical reasons for the way DP is behaving. Maybe the ‘trend’ that you describe is that some posters actually read and try to understand what the OPs are actually saying and suggesting something other than ‘he’s an abuser, leave him’.

If you went to your GP and told them that you were having symptoms of what you thought was an underlying health problem and they dismissed them out of hand, you’d seek a second opinion. And if a man came on here saying that his partners’ behaviour had changed recently to the point where she had become a nyphomaniac and he was distressed because she wouldn’t leave him alone, you wouldn’t be suggesting LTB, you’d be telling him to get medical help for a possible hormone imbalance or looking into other underlying conditions to account for the out of character behaviour.

The OP has been quite clear in that she’s not ready to leave him, and I don’t think any attempt at persuasion is going to help, given that she thinks she has too much to lose and doesn’t want to disadvantage her kids financially. So for the moment at least, she’s stuck with it. So, given that the distressing behaviour has only surfaced in the last six months, why not at least try and make the situation better by considering a few possibilities as to why he’s behaving as he is ? And the obvious one is that because it’s connected with sex drive, hypersexuality may have been triggered by an underlying health condition. If it is, then he needs medical help so it can be resolved and they can get on with their lives. If it’s not, then yes, he’s just an arsehole abuser and she should leave him.

The woman in the office "option" would be great!
The groper in jail, the OP free without having to pull the plug.

After speaking to a friend that I can confide in, she has told me that I’ve told her multiple times in the past how he would grope me and how it had been an issue previously. I assume that I’ve just become accustomed to his behaviour and have learnt over the years that it was “normal” so stopped seeing it as the issue that it ultimately is. When I say it has started in the past 6 months, what I think I actually mean is “it has got significantly worse over the past 6 months”.

I’m assuming when you are at the hands of abuse for years and years, you stop seeing it for what it is as you feel like it’s “normal”? Is there an element of correctness to that or am I off the mark? I would technically class myself as a person who would “never tolerate abuse”, but here I am 10 years down the line with a narcissistic partner who I’ve now realised, sexually abuse’s me on a daily basis. Never did I think this would be the life I’d lead.

for those saying that staying for the sake of my children is ultimately doing more harm. And that staying in order to financially provide a better life is also causing them more harm. I completely agree. I’ve realised this recently and to be honest, I feel that that is the main driving force behind me trying to create my path to leave. My mental health is on the floor and has been for a number of years. I used to think that the problems were because of my mental health, but I’ve realised that my poor mental health is because of my partner and the way he treats me. And I can finally see that I’m not the type of mum that I want for my children because I feel so low. I can see that my children would 100% be better off with me as a single mom, even if we did lose our house etc.

financially… DP is self employed and doesn’t declare all earnings. So if it came to child maintenance deductions through his earnings, I would get a pittance compared to his true earnings. However, without sounding like I would threaten him, could it work in my favour that I know his true income and that he doesn’t declare it all, in order for him to pay me a respectable amount in a private child maintenance agreement?

I have been a SAHM for the majority of our relationship and completely put my own career on hold. Which is what I wanted at the time, but now I see how it has made my current situation so much more difficult. I started a degree 18 months ago, which will land me straight into a professional job at the end - this has all been part of my exit plan. But all I have as my own income is student finance funding.

savings wise - as he’s always been the main earner, all savings that we have are held in his own bank accounts that I have no access to. So squirrelling away money is out of the question unfortunately.

i do think there is an element of financial abuse too. He expects me to pay for absolutely everything other than the household bills, despite me earning a fraction of his earnings. I have had some inheritance over the past few years and it’s all been spent on clothing the kids, Christmas and birthdays, kids extra curricular activities, family holidays, basically everything and anything that the children need. But still has the cheek to ask me for money to contribute to the occasional household bill when he hasn’t budgeted properly.

has he ever tried to do more to me? He has ”joked” about masturbating over me whilst I’m asleep…but as far as I’m aware hasnt. I’ve been woken up in the night many times with his hands groping my breasts and asking for sex, but I’ve always said no I’m asleep and turned over. when I do say no to his advances, he often then doesn’t talk to me for a period of time and blames me for not wanting him. He tries to make me have sex when he knows the kids are around and could walk in at any time - obviously I say absolutely not, but he still carries on trying. He won’t grope me directly in front of the kids, but will do in the kitchen for example, when he knows the kids could walk in. I’m 100% not comfortable with this and he knows it, but still continues. Why is he okay with the possibility of his kids walking in and witnessing this?

I do know I need to leave, it just all feels like a dream and doesn’t feel real. This has been my life for so long that the severity of the situation doesn’t feel as big as it evidently should do. A sign of the abuse right?

Just tell him he is a sex pest and it's a massive turn off. Tell him

@DotAndCarryOne2

And if a man came on here saying that his partners’ behaviour had changed recently to the point where she had become a nyphomaniac and he was distressed because she wouldn’t leave him alone, you wouldn’t be suggesting LTB, you’d be telling him to get medical help for a possible hormone imbalance or looking into other underlying conditions to account for the out of character behaviour.

Eh? If. A man posted on here and said his partner was sexually assaulting him, I absolutely would be saying he should LTB. Why on earth do you assume otherwise?

@7whiteclouds

I’m assuming when you are at the hands of abuse for years and years, you stop seeing it for what it is as you feel like it’s “normal”? Is there an element of correctness to that or am I off the mark?

Absolutely, it's the boiling frog analogy.

He has ”joked” about masturbating over me whilst I’m asleep…but as far as I’m aware hasnt. I’ve been woken up in the night many times with his hands groping my breasts and asking for sex, but I’ve always said no I’m asleep and turned over. when I do say no to his advances, he often then doesn’t talk to me for a period of time and blames me for not wanting him. He tries to make me have sex when he knows the kids are around and could walk in at any time - obviously I say absolutely not, but he still carries on trying.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He is a sex offender.

Can you call women's aid and ask them for advice on the safest next steps to exit this relationship?

It's horrific.

Again, what medical reason would cause someone to actually not being able to stop themselves from carrying out sexual assault?

like, having no control over their arms or something?

Very few people are with an actual sex pest🤦‍♀️

most women will begin to feel used or bluntly, a wank sock, when the only physical affection and attention they get from their partner is a full blown grope. Most women need to feel affection and loved first ..even if it’s a few minutes of non sexual cuddling, holding hands and a bit of non intense kissing. This man is not doing that..he is missing out all the parts of foreplay to get straight to the intimidate touching , without either verbal consent or giving any women time to be in the mood.

this type of groping is ok where couples are already showing each other a lot of other affection and physical contact. I refute any women being happy to have someone touching her intimately and aggressively when she is being complained about, money about, disrespected, non listened to, and generally not feeling very loved. Of course she feels used and unloved.

fgs, even male birds and mammals and even fish, know they have to go through a bit of a performance of affection before they can mate …why is it human males seem to get into long term relationships and think women are happy to be a permanently available vagina .

He sounds utterly repulsive and I’m sorry he’s also been financially abusive to you too.

i would get legal advice potentially about the savings but I hope you’re able to leave soon

Oh op, this has made the hairs on my neck stand up. This is not ok. Nothing is worth this or your children seeing this. Hes absolutely vile and it will get worse.

I hope you find the strength to leave this vile rapey bastard.

I’m also worried that because of his narcissistic traits, that if I ended the relationship he would try to withhold the DC from me and use them as weapons in order for him to still have that control over me.

he 100% knows that the children all favour me and would choose me over him. But I don’t think this would deter him.

he also would never be able to look after them 50/50 because of his work commitments, but I still feel like he’d try to take them.

i categorically cannot have this battle with him. He also displays traits of being a narcissistic parent. I have put my all into raising the children, I’m so scared of the mental and emotional harm that he could do to them if I was to leave.

Well, yes, because as far as I can see the only advice ever is LTB. No reasoned debate around the fact that this is only a recent change (largely ignored) and there may be underlying reasons that should be investigated. I suggested that there may be an undiagnosed medical condition - there’s enough evidence out there to support it - which only got the usual responses such as ‘it’s not up to OP to persuade him to see his GP’. Yet when I see posts from men worried about their partners, the responses are mostly to encourage them to get help.

And the ‘support and guidance’ on here as far as I can see consists of the majority response LTB and the hoots of derision at anyone who suggests any alternative. How is this helpful to the OP, who has already made it clear she is not ready to leave him ? If she’s going to stay anyway, she’s stuck with it so why not try to make her own situation and that of her children better by trying to find out the reason for the change ? If it turns out there’s no health condition and he’s just an arsehole, hopefully it will help her resolve to leave him at the earliest opportunity.

Can you link to the evidence that shows there are medical conditions that cause men to uncontrollably sexually assault their wives and partners, but not grope random women in the street?

Thanks!

I am so sorry OP, but this is completely a police matter.

He sexually assaults you constantly.

Keeps you financially stuck.

No access to money.

You are the definition of a Coercively controlled woman which is a crime.

Walk into a police Station and ask to speak to someone about domestic abuse, rape, financial abuse and Coercive control.

Let them help you.

You might want to read the updates from the OP to see how far off your posts are

Its really frequent for posters to say 'the only advice ever given it to ltb' that's not actually true at all

In non abusive situations I've seen people being directed to counsellors or to ways to improve communication styles or how to understand each others love languages

But the reality is most posters who post about non trivial relationship issues do so when they are breaking point. More often than not because of abuse of some kind. So it is more common to see LTB but that's because people are more likely to post when they are at the end of their tether

And because even if this was a medical situation, which I highly doubt, advising a woman to stay in an abusive relationship whether that abuse is caused by a medical condition or otherwise is advising a woman to take the abuse which is already showing signs of escalating

You are advising a woman to stay around and be raped because that's the next escalation

At the very least even if it is medical either she or he need to remove themselves from the situation for her protection and then worry about the medical stuff

On a plane they expect you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else. This woman needs to help herself out of the abuse before she considers his need for help. He's a grown adult he can take himself to the doctor

In your previous post, you said you had been reminded of his behaviour in the past by your friend. It sounds as though up to now you’ve been in denial because this is not just a recent change of behaviour indicative of something else going on, it’s a worsening of an established pattern of behaviour. And it changes everything OP because it’s escalating. You and the children need to get away from him, and fast because you’re all at risk. As hard as this will be, you need to find refuge and get some legal advice as to the way forward, financially and with custody of your children. But the priority now is to leave before it spirals out of control.

This is why you need to speak to Women's Aid and maybe your GP too. However the comment about knowing how much he earns and using this to ensure he pays you CM - this is not good. If he is not declaring his income then he needs to be reported to HMRC. Using that knowledge to blackmail him into paying you more money is not a good idea.

OP, that is a horrific read, so my apologies for focusing on practical steps.

Women's Aid for advice and support while you leave safely.

Rape Crisis to begin untangling what has been happening to you.

A fantastic lawyer to advocate for you through child custody and financial support arrangements.

Once that is underway, there will also be a pastoral contact at the University to support your studies through the upheaval.

You sound aware and poised to act which is very positive. Big love to you x

Ironically though, I feel like I’ve been conditioned into thinking that I’M the one with the problem for having a low sex drive. I’ve been researching into possible causes and have felt like I have to explore what may be wrong with me because I’m clearly not meeting his needs. Yet my sex drive has always been the same.

I’ve since posted explaining how I’ve realised that his groping and unwanted touching has actually always been a problem, it’s just got significantly worse over the past 6 months.

it’s only something I’ve realised since my initial post though.

This was my first thought.

I have read the recent updates and posted a reply. And just for clarity if, as it seems now, this is not a recent change of behaviour but an escalation of an established pattern, then yes she should leave as a matter of urgency. And I was never advising the OP to stay in an abusive relationship, I was pointing out that on the information available at that point, the OP was unwilling to leave, so it was pointless advising her to while she thought she had too much to lose.