Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

well, she is 15, she doesnt need to see anyone she doesnt want to see, so they stop seeing each other, issue dealt with

Your DH is failing as a parent and I wouldn’t tolerate his lack of care for his DC. He should be his DD number 1 priority not his nasty mother . You need to now step in and if he won’t say anything to his mother then you will have to. Alternatively stop your DC going to her house

I agree. DH doesn't

At 15 I think your DD is entitled to choose who she wants to see. Grandma seems to be rude and unkind, and also likely DS is her favoured grandchild. I can see no reason why your DD should be put in a position where she has to be subjected to such behaviour. Hopefully her condition allows her to be left home alone . Especially if her father is unable to deal with the situation.

@rogueone I have said that to DH but he's incredibly stubborn . I have spoken to her before but it's caused massive fallouts, I'm accused of driving a wedge between the family and no-one spoke for about 6moniths.

I agree that DH is failing as a parent. I feel quite revolted by him right now.

Hi just to say i have had same kind of comments from MIL about illness, I am not excusing it but wonder if partly it is an age thing. I read they can lose their 'filter' and become rude and unpleasant at times.

It's really difficult to deal with.

Your DH is being a shit parent to your DD. If he can not get the balls to say anything to his Mother then DD no longer goes there.

Why on earth should she be subjected to that? You need to have her back since your DH doesn't.

Your poor DD. I would tell her that she doesn't have to see her grandmother, back her to the hilt and then deal with the fallout from your DH.

That's appalling. I'd lose my shit at DH to be absolutely honest; he's condoning ableist bullying towards his own daughter.

In the meantime (as in, until you can get through to DH) I'd give DD your absolute and ongoing permission to refuse any contact with grandma (can DD go out on her own if grandma's in the house for example, or if not, is there another relative/friend she could call?).

Alternatively, give DD some phrases to say before walking out e.g. "Grandma, you are being ableist and rude and I'm not listening to you."

(Or better yet, fuck off.)

Your poor DD. Firstly, she shouldn’t have to go, secondly if your DP won’t stand up to his mother, I’d ensure your dd does. She shouldn’t have to tolerate her grandma’s comments. Teaching her she can stand up for herself will serve her well in the future.

Fuck DH.

You should be contacting MIL yourself and telling her straight if she can't behave then DD will not want a relationship with her and it'll be her own damn fault and explain how shit she's made DD feel. Old or not, there's no excuse for being a bully!

That's disgusting behaviour on DH's part and I would be vastly losing any respect I had for him. If he refuses to see how completely unreasonablehe is being at protecting your DD, I would find it very hard to continue a relationship with him. His mother is being awful. DD should not have to put up with this and should be protected from such hurtful behaviour. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and being made out to be the bad guy by DH. What a spineless arse he is, with no emotional intelligence. ugh

Awful behaviour. At 15 i wouldn't be patronising her with 'grandma is old and silly'. I'd be saying grandma is ignorant and abelsit and if you chose not to see her anymore i will support you 100%. It's a terrible message to send her that even family can't be inclusive and accepting and she should smile politely and not cause a fuss.

I would be trying to set boundaries with MIL and say things like that was rude, please don't say that again or we will have to leave. That sort of thing. Tricky though.

There was a link on here to this podcast, I can't find it now but it was about dealing with difficult elderly relatives by Annalisa Barbieri, I can't find it now but if you google it might be of some use.

he is choosing to pander to his mother rather than advocate for his child.

that is horrific. And inexcusable.

basically he doesn’t love her enough to fight for her.

her life is more difficult/constrained by her disability, why the fuck is he making it worse by not loving her unconditionally?

Your replies are really helping me feel confident in my thinking.
I've cancelled the planned weekend away with them. DS doesn't want to go either while they're shitty to DD, isn't interested in being favourite and while he loves them his loyalty is to DD. Mine is absolutely to DD and I stand with her entirely. DH can decide whether he goes alone. I've had enough.

She said to me last night that the hardest thing is that Dad is on her side.

I tried to say there were no sides as such but honestly I feel absolutely the same.

Life is hard enough for her, she copes with bullies at school she doesn't need this from family and her own Dad minimising and gaslighting.

Surely DD doesn't have to see her very rude grandma?

Let her stay home, whatever Grandma or DH say. When Grandma asks why then tell her. Bluntly. You tell her yourself as it seems DH won't.

You and your DS support and show your love for your DD.

which is brilliant.

i feel a bit rotten saying this, but sadly she will be affected by her fathers attitude.

My friends DD used to ask “what is wrong with me, that Dad doesn’t love me?”

and it broke my heart. No amount of support and reassurance could make up for that feeling. She is now a strong and outwardly confident young woman, but has considerable MH issues due to her father - who is totally out of her life.

I think you need to be really strong and forthright here. Your poor DD. My DD has special needs and its just so important to build their self confidence and self esteem. You really can't let anyone trample on it.

Your poor poor child.

What an absolute waster you married and what a horrible father.

Everything you have tried to do to support her, his awful mother is undoing.

She has spelt out clearly that this nasty woman makes her feel bad.

OP, I mean it kindly but you too are utterly failing your daughter by allowing your bully of a husband bully his daughter into sucking it up.

This for me would be marriage ending, as it should have been for you.

Can you imagine how brave and hard it is for your daughter to speak up?

The damage her father is doing to her self esteem by standing by his nasty mother?

Unbelievable.

Your son has more decency and character than that excuse of a man that would support his daughter being made to feel less than.

I would NEVER darken her door again and I would be packing your husbands things so that he can go and live with his mother asap.

As if your poor daughter hasn't enough challenges in life.

Well done for doing absolutely the right thing, your DH can now explain to grandma why none of you want to see her. She sounds like a nasty witch and he sounds like a complete mummies boy, grim.

Well done to your dd too for having the strength to stand up and say this is not ok, she sounds absolutely fabulous.

Your posts have made me so angry on behalf of your daughter.
How dare her grandmother treat her so disgustingly and how dare her own father not stick up for her and tell his nasty mother to shut her mouth.
Honestly, I would be seriously considering leaving him for this.
Between them they are emotionally abusing her and affecting her mental health in such a negative way.
Both of your children sound absolutely lovely which, I guess, is solely a credit to yourself and not your useless husband.

And for goodness sake respect your daughters wishes to no longer see this awful woman.

I can't get my head around the awfulness for your child of being bullied in school and having her own father support her being bullied by family.

This is such a sad thread.

How hard some children have it in life.

A disability AND a shit father.

You can bet she will internalise this, ultimately making her life harder.

I certainly wouldn't be able to forgive this.

Honestly, I wouldn't want to forgive it either.

This is one of those things where she needs to see you backing her up and not making her see grandma.