Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

Totally on your side. Your dh is a bit wet at best. Sounds like maybe he was never allowed to grow up/cut the apron strings.

How old is the grandmother? Only asking as I do belive after a certain age no-one's going to change that much, so you have to weigh up whether you want her in your child's life at all.

You clearly have brought up two amazing children. What an absolute credit to you they are.

Grandma is 72

Your son is already more of a man than your 'H' will ever be.

I agree with a pp, who said he sounds scared of his mother. The pay off not to upset her is too great and he’s throwing his children under the bus for it. That’s a really immature attitude.

That is lovely that your ds supports his sister. Granny’s an idiot, surely if one of your dc or dgc has any health condition you educate yourself about it? She should have been stopped by your DH the first time she made a nasty comment.

This would be marriage endangering territory for me.

Your children are great. Your husband is rubbish.

Your job here is to protect your daughter and if that means you fall out with MIL and DH because they won't change then that will be a good think as your daughter won't be exposed to this abuse. You will also be modelling to your daughter what is and isn't acceptable in a future partner. I am struggling to understand why you have continued to let her experience this. She is being very brave to communicate this to you. Support her.

You're a great parent but your son is a star; it would be so easy for him to enjoy being the favourite grandchild, but he's not having it. Has he got a great male role model in his life? It sure ain't his dad.

She should know better OP.
Age is nothing to do with it. My youngest dc has a disability and his great grandparents, all in their 80’s, have never said anything unkind.
And dd’s dh certainly would stand for any ableist remarks from anyone.

on the filter thing, my usually kind and well meaning DF did lose his but not until he was really frail and unwell. though not sure how far that can be generalised. i agree with all the other OP's , your DD needs support and is old enough to decide who she sees. great that her brother sees this too. and your DH needs to rethink this asap.

I agree, as a grandmother with DGC with ND disabilities, I have educated myself as to why, what helps, doesn't help etc. I hope my DC would tell me if they think I am being inconsiderate or showing favouritism to their siblings!
Children have enough negativity to manage without family adding to it!

72 is not somehow so old she shouldn't know better, or such a point where she should be allowed to just do whatever she wants for fear of upsetting her. I would be so cross if I were you.

I am so upset on your daughter's behalf, you must be beyond frustrated with your husband. How on earth does he think this is acceptable?

I'm a similar age and I don't have any grandchildren - please can I come round and do some grannying at yours? (Your children sound great.)

This is appalling and unacceptable, not just from MIL but also DH for enabling it.

He can't advocate for his disabled child? Pathetic.

At 15 I wouldn't mince my words. Age isn't an excuse, this is ableist and its bullying. I would let DD know that she doesn't have to spend any time with Grandma if she doesn't want to, and I would be giving MIL and DH a piece of my mind.

Your DS sounds pretty clued up to what's going on here.

This is shocking, I am sorry your DD is being put through this by people that should be her allies, there to love and support her and be proud.

Stand united as a threesome, your (D)H may well find himself quite lonely in years to come when his adult children have no time for him.

Ok, well that's not that old.

Rather than do the tiresome MN "leave the bastard!!!" routine I'd suggest an ultimatum with your husband who seems weirdly terrified of her.

Oh and also give your son permission to not have to visit his grandmother. Not just now but ongoing.
Hope your husband will realise how little respect his family will have for him.

Grandma is unkind, age is irrelevant. My parents are both 82 and have always been understanding and wonderful with 16yo DS who is autistic.

Your DH is pathetic. It should be instinctive for a parent to protect and advocate for their child. What is wrong with him ffs?

The other grandparents are great. As they should be. DD is great.
Yes DS is awesome and I tell him often.
DH is spineless and weird with his parents. This isn't the first time. Yes it's a huge issue in our marriage.

I would leave your DH. That is disgusting behaviour. He is ok letting your DD be abused.

Thank you for being a great cheerleader for your children

You sound like you've raised two good kids there.

Does DH show outward favouritism to DS? Because sounds like he'd reinforcing to her that she's not as good as healthy DS who is indeed a much better person

Would either your son or you daughter be able to ask granny if her memory is okay, as she keeps forgetting about the permanent nature of your DDs diagnosis. Is granny starting to lose her marbles if she can’t remember this ?

if they do it in a very concerned manner, and do it every time she mentions it, would that hit home?

or just go no contact, she sounds awful