Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

Oh gosh, I'm really no expert! I only have my personal experience, which was a boyfriend who I walked away from over 20 years ago and who, it now turns out, is into his 3rd year of therapy in his 50s. Which, actually, I consider huge progress (for him). Easy to walk away from a boyfriend when you're young.

In my personal experience, people are this way because they were bullied or belittled or put upon or pressured unduly by a parent in their formative years. Avoidance is a coping strategy. Easier to pretend that stuff isn't happening. As a consequence, these people don't get to flex their conflict-resolution skills. They go through life just papering over cracks because the alternative is too difficult for them to handle, and it's too close to the bone. Too painful to admit your parents are shitty and you had a shitty childhood.

Assuming you're an adult, your father will likely be at least in his 60s. I don't want to say that beyond a given age people can't change. That's not true. But that's an awful lot of history to re-write, relationship histories to be re-written, realities to confront in a different light. Is it a kind, or realistic thing to ask someone to do that at this stage? Not sure.

And, if they can't or won't change, then your only solution is to accept it. Take them as you find them. Your dad doesn't want to see or know of or deal with the reality you lived through. You have to accept that. It makes him a lesser person, a lesser dad, and there's grief for you in that (on top of the grief of the mother you had). Accept it, and move on or away. I'm sorry for you. It's a terrible loss. Maybe just see the good in him and accept his limitations. We all have them, after all.

Finally, again only in my experience, people like this are well aware of their failings. Your father absolutely knows what went on and what is going on. He just can't handle it. It's about him, not you. The turmoil he must be feeling inside would be truly awful. Not easy for a parent to have to live with either. But this failing of you is less than the trauma of having to handle your mum's failings, for him. It would be immense, but maybe forgiving him for his faults (easier than your mother's faults, maybe) would be worth it if it means a closer bond with him.

I've just read your updates, and actually have a little bit of compassion for your DH here.

It sounds like he has a freeze response to stressful situations. My husband had a similar non-response, when I told him I had no interest in ever seeing his mother again, after a straw that broke the camels back incident after years of bullshit. It was incredibly hurtful and I spent a while thinking it was a deliberate ploy to paint me as the hysterical, horrible, bad guy in the situation.

I ended up realising that dealing with his freeze response was outside of my ability, and a very good couples therapist who specialised in systemic therapy did get us through it and we are now stronger than ever. Not cheap though...

Would your DH agree, do you think OP?

GM obviously doesn't like her GD so what's the big deal if they don't see each other any more?

Why is your husband trying to force a relationship that isn't there=

I think this is a fantastically good question to ask your DH, either in the presence of a couples therapist or without.

I think his view on his mother's willingness and ability to have meaningful relationships with others, what he thinks she owes your DD and what your DD owes her, will be incredibly revealing.

That is heartbreaking.

Does he think that a certain amount of bullying is to be expected and is just part of life? Was he bullied as a child? Was he the bully? Is he a bully at work?

Just read all the way through this. Sorry to say your DH sounds like a carbon copy of MIL who's kept it neutralised in front of you but genuinely does not GAF about anything/one except himself & his own comfy existence.

There are similar deeply self-centred behaviours in a member of my family and I still find it pretty shocking. You, your DD and your DS should not have to put up with this shit from your negligent, lazy, cowardly bully-enabler of a DH.

I hope he gets to read this thread...his behaviour towards you is utterly shameful.

You are doing great!

Yep, gushed out of my nose too !!

Oh my goodness OP, this just gets worse with each thing you post! He doesn’t get angry about DD being bullied and thinks she should just suck it up and he didn’t care that you were physically assaulted at work?

He’s a waste of a good skin - a piss poor excuse for a husband and unfit to be a father.

Your MIL isn’t insensitive - she’s toxic and cruel.

If I were you I’d get shot of the pair of them, ASAP.

On the bright side, you’re clearly an amazing mom as your DC sound fabulous - despite their so called ‘father’.

Perhaps “driving a wedge between the family”
is the best way to safeguard your DD. Sounds like they deserve it.

Thanks all. DH is much loved by the dc. DS is very loyal to him (may say more about DS nature than DH).

Everyone has normalised that DD doesn't talk to DH about bullying as he'd not do anything other than tell her indirectly to suck it up. Her feelings wouldn't be validated. That's my fault as I know I want more for her from a partner or friend than this. Ironically her best pals Dad has fought her corner and made good stuff happen for her.

I'm just sick of the dynamic but when I point it out I'm accused of causing a argument.

OP look at the Out of the FOG site could be helpful.

Thanks, that is a very kind response. A parent like this is really disappointing, because you see their good sides, and keep hoping for better. I'm in therapy at the moment so hopefully will get some peace around the situation eventually.

I do understand your husband to a degree because I was brought up with this ‘your parents are your parents and you must not talk back or rock them boat’ attitude, my grandparents were the same, it was all about looking like a loving family for the public so any issues were just ignored, and it can be really difficult to go against these things that are instilled in you your whole life, but your husband really needs to wake up and realise this could cost him his marriage and his relationship with his children. I wish you luck @Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor ❤️

Sounds like your husband is just telling you whatever he feels like will get it off his back about the situation and enabling his stupid mother at the expense of his own daughter. I would rip him a new one it he was married to me.

It's beyond sad that a friend's father has her wellbeing in mind more than her own dad does. Imagine not telling your dad you're being bullied because you know he won't give a shit.

I’m in my early 60s now. I know it was a different time and there are some safeguards in place for bullying now, but that doesn’t seem to be working for your DD. She’s coping with bullying at school and also with a bullying grandma - however difficult that is to face, that’s what she is. I can’t describe how the bullying I experienced at school affected the rest of my life. I won’t go into the physical and psychological ways I was targeted for nothing more than looking different because of a disability. But It made me submissive to authority to the point where I was effectively bullied at work. Until I sought help through therapy, which helped me take charge of my life and change things. It was a hard road, and one I wouldn’t wish on your DD - she’s already come so far in her own personal battles and she sounds amazing.

Your DH can’t keep telling her to ‘suck it up’ because it’s not possible to do that without psychological effects - if not now, then later in life. She’s on the road to mental health problems on top of everything else she has to cope with and your DH needs to be made to confront that now.

I think there’s something to this, but I think the bully has been his mother. It’s evident in the fact that he doesn’t want to confront her, even to defend his own daughter against her grans’ shit attitude towards her disability. Also evident in the OP’s description of the shit hitting the fan every time they confront MIL.

The shit hits the fan every time I try to resolve/ address anything with Dh too. Not just mil.

Mil and DH are very similar. It's actually scaring me that he could turn out as warped as she is.

So this is perhaps the way he dealt with his mum, and now he is expecting her to ignore it too. Perhaps.

It sounds unhealthy, maybe he could get some kind of counselling or therapy to understand that is not normal.

DH doesn't treat your DD like MIL though does he?

Have a look at 'fleas' on the Out of the FOG site. It's when they pick up learnt behaviours they have grown up with / see them as normal

I’m so sorry OP it seems your husband forgot who’s keeping him warm at night and it’s not his mother but he might as well be married to her. Momma’s boys seem to be marriage destroyers and he also sounds extremely insecure in himself.

It does sound as if this is learned behaviour - but unless he realises how utterly dysfunctional it is, he won't be able to unlearn it.

I'm just sick of the dynamic but when I point it out I'm accused of causing a argument

You know what, you don't have to suck up this terrible treatment of your daughter and you don't have to explain to your DH in a way he'll grasp why he has got it so very wrong. There is an Option 3, when you accept that he's an irremediably shit father and just get your amazing children away from him. Fuck him, he doesn't deserve the three of you.

It breaks my heart to think that her friend's dad has fought her corner more than her own father has. Useless, grotesque waste of skin.