Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

You've raised 2 great kids.

Agree you sound like an amazing mum.

I think that your title is very understating the problem. The grandmother is being worse than insensitive, she's a massive bully and I wouldn't expect any child to visit and I certainly wouldn't force them to either. So what if she doesn't talk to you for 6 months ? If your h wants to visit his mum then that's up to him but I would be protecting my dd rather than offering her up to be bullied. Her father is a disgrace not to stand up for her.

You need to bin this husband. The way he's treating you is awful too.

It sounds like your children are losing all respect for their father, due to his appalling behaviour . I don’t blame them ( or you ).

How rude of your MIL, who does she think she is?!. Your husband should put her firmly in her place, tell her that this wonted be tolerated. She's nothing but a bully.

Well Grandma's a bitch, isn't she? And your husband is pathetic.

What does he say about people at school bullying dd?
Is that allowed or just his mum?

I have almost exactly the same situation. Only in my case, late MIL was a lovely grandma, it’s my father who is rude to my teen with SEN/SN. Told me child was “weird”. Recommended things to do with the other “perfect” child and to exclude the weird one. Invited perfect one round, sent me away with weird one. Etc. like you I’ve spent my life advocating for the one with SEN. Has a nice friend group, interests, does well at school. And nobody in our family speaks to the nasty GP anymore. Your dh needs to wake up before he allows his mother to destroy his family.

Your DD isn't being difficult, she is well within her right to stick up for herself against an ableist bully. Shame it happens to be her GM and that her father won't support her. He is a disgrace and should be ashamed of himself for even suggesting it's DD's fault. Twat.

Short and to the point. He is failing her. So upsetting to read.

Don't lower yourself to her level.

@Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor IDK if you've heard of the 'scapegoat and Golden Child' dynamic, but it sounds similar to what your MIL does with your kids. Its possible your DH was treated as the Golden Child growing up, and unlike his son he can't see a problem with it.

At the moment he is facilitating his mother and allowing her to abuse his own daughter. Your daughter might eventually wonder if he's using his mother to say things he secretly feels; if he didn't agree, he'd do something about it. She really needs you right now, and your son deserves credit for not going along with it.

This is awful OP. My oldest DC has disabilities and MIL would often refer to him not being normal and his "problems". He is perfectly normal (if that even exists) and does well in school, has friends and enjoys life. That was put a stop to by myself and DH.

Now she visits and spends the whole time telling us about family drama or how much better, smarter, more beautiful her favourite grandchild is. We have taken a massive back step with DH driving the decision as it had got to the point the older 2 dcs (one still early years of primary school) didn't want to say more than hello and then avoided her plus we simply can't be bothered. It's cruel and hurtful behaviour that our kids are not being subjected too.

Your DH needs to step up here and protect his daughter from his mother. Equally I would be telling your DD if she doesn't want to see granny that's fine but if your DS is old enough explain to him DD decision.

My son has FND and if my family members were so insensitive I would be sitting them down and giving them a talking too about how it works and telling her to either stop it or lose my kids. End of.

And asking someone when they will be 'cured' when they never will be, words fail me. What a nasty person.

I also wanted to say that it sounds like you have two fantastic children who are a real credit to you and themselves. They are lucky to have you as their mum.

I'm really sorry that your DH is so unsupportive of you and your children.

You might find some of the posts on the MN "Stately Homes" threads helpful - they are for those of us with challenging parents or grandparents (so called because the original creator's parents justified years of toxic abuse by claiming that they were good parents because they took her to stately homes/NT places as a child). It's a kind space, full of warmth, some wit and wise practical advice and support. Here's a link to the latest thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

Very best wishes to you. x

DD's 15, becoming a young woman. DH needs to grasp that his mother is not the only person who deserves special consideration.

I would put it to DD that she is now of an age to take matters into her own hands; as follows. She should write a letter to Grandma telling her (as in your post) exactly why Grandmas behaviour is so offensive , demeaning and hurtful and that DD has decided to take matters into her own hands. She's calling a halt on being treated like that.

"Dad says I should make special allowances for your age and condition; I ask you to do the same for me. If you treat me with respect and love, I will do the same and we can continue to see each other. "

Post it; and let DH handle the fall out. Either he supports DD to his mother; or he'll be the one on his mothers doorstep telling her "Mother, DD refused to come, she won't see you any more".

You, your DD and DS are awesome! I think your DH needs to grow a pair and choose between supporting your DD or enabling his hideous mother.

So your H basically thinks your DD should put up with his mother’s appalling comments and when she rightly doesn’t he calls her responses rude? Dear God, that is disgusting.
You are rightly proud of your two DC. Your H on the other hand is a disgrace.

He appears to have the outdated view that what adults say goes, and kids have to put up with it.

Well we moved on, and your dd isn't a child anyway, she is nearly a young woman.

Let him stew.

I get that a generation or so ago the elderly were revered as war heroes but those days are over. We should expect them to treat others decently just like we would anyone else.

"Can't same I blame her because of the way your mum treats her as 'less than'. What's your excuse? I used to find it embarrassing and baffling that you wouldn't stand up and advocate for your own daughter. Not only with your disgusting mother, but with everyone in her life. Now I'm just furious. And I'm not sure our marriage can survive this if you don't address this."

👏👏

I'm reading every comment and feel so grateful for your comments. I think DH was the golden child, is totally unaware of how weird his and his family behaviour is.

She is frankly a bitch. She picks on everyone's vulnerabilities. DH of course hides his from her

DH says DD is being enabled by me to find problems where there are none.

Regarding school bullying to DD he's generally of the mindset that she should manage and it's just part of school life.

He's never ever angry on her behalf.