Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

Can he not get it through his head that she has a recognised disability? And does he not think it is ever so slightly rude and difficult of his mum not to accept DD as she is, to say nothing of the eye-rolling nonsense?

I'd have to think hard about whether this man really deserves to continue to have a place in your family's daily life.

Fuck her and your 'd'h.

I'd be tempted to tell your MIL that everyone ends up with disabilities if they live long enough/we're all an accident away from a disability, but it probably would only inflame the situation.

I've had to remind people that I'm not deaf to annoy them, but I think this is well beyond a direct reminder. Your DD shouldn't be led to the firing line to keep your husband happy. Not having your DD or DS in her life is a natural consequence of being your MIL being a horrible person.

And a 72 year old wasn't even born during WW2. I'm not even sure they did national service.

So you think your DH has never told his mum what she is doing is wrong and upsetting ? And neither has your daughter or your son ? So she either does not realise what she is doing is hurtful or she just carries on because no one puts her in her place . I would make sure that one way or another she knows exactly what she is doing is wrong and how hurtful and demeaning it is and that’s the reason you are not seeing her . Otherwise she will plead ignorance and say no one told her .

@Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor after your last 2 comments I would say this is LTB territory now.

Doesn't stop some folk acting like they are just the same as the WW2 generation in my experience. I wonder if some people just grew up with this reverence and just assumed it would come to them when they were the same age

My daughter has Tourette’s and FND.

We’ve had issues with my MiL. With her, I think it came from a place of ignorance rather than nastiness - both conditions are seriously misunderstood. Your DH should be speaking to his mother. I’m glad you’ve cancelled your weekend away with her. It took me and DH sitting down with her and really ramming home what was going on, fully going into detail about DD’s disabilities and how they affected her. To MiL’s credit, she has educated herself on my DD’s disabilities and she’s now one of her biggest advocates and supporters.

Your DH really needs to step up here. You need to be a team. Advocating for a child with disabilities is frustrating and knackering. He needs to have your back.

My DH did take a bit of a back seat with DD. We each have different strengths - I felt I had to educate myself on every single aspect of her disability so I’m the one kicking up a stink in meetings with college because they’ve fucked up her reasonable adjustments yet again, or CAMHS, whereas DH is more practical - he’s the one picking her up, driving her everywhere, mucking out her pony when she can’t do it and sneaking her tenners

OP, you are in an abusive relationship and your children most certainly are.

Ring Women's aid and have a chat.

How have you stayed married to such an awful man with such an awful mother at the expense of your children.

Your daughter by now knows well what a waste of space her father is.

God help you all.

The OP has told her and it caused a fall out which meant they didn't speak for six months. So it sounds like she 100% knows but is just a cow. And her son is a wimp. Maybe he was cowed by her all his young life, it sounds like it from the other comment the OP made about their dd having to put up with school bullying. Nobody has to put up with bullying.

But if my DH chose between his mother and my son (I don't have a dd) I would be making very clear that he had to change his viewpoint if he still wanted a marriage. Thankfully his mum wasn't like this.

“Stay out of it”? Er, no, this is your daughter.

I’d invite MIL out for coffee and outline in polite but no uncertain terms what is unacceptable. If your husband does t like it, tough. He’s failing to protect his daughter so you must.

Your children may not visit much when they leave home if they feel their father doesn't support your DD in any meaningful way.

With that in mind, I'd consider asking him to leave until he understands how useless he's being as a father.

So not that bloody old and should know better - and should care better too.

You really do have a DH problem

That is an interesting take, isn’t it? Elders were just massively respected when the majority of pensioners today weren’t in the war with many born after, thus were children during rationing.

Oops that doesn’t make sense. I have a migraine. But I hope it’s kind of clear.

They didn't. It ended in 1963

If dh won't address his mother then I would take the bull by the horns and explain to her exactly how she has made dd feel

I was "difficult" toward my paternal granny as a teenager because she was a dick. I put up with rude comments and judgements about every aspect of my life until I was 22, when she had a pop at my weight and I told her (in so few words) to fuck off. She cried, my dad went ballistic at me... I don't care. I stopped seeing her after that and my life was no poorer for it.

Your daughter doesn't owe her time to anyone who doesn't appreciate her. "Family" doesn't hold any obligation for me - I simply refuse to associate with arseholes, related to me or not. Your husband's attitude toward his child is abhorrent so why should she appease him at the cost of her own comfort? He has done nothing to deserve it.

I think sometimes a narrative becomes so embedded that you just accept it without thinking that, wait a minute, someone old enough to have actually fought in WW2 would be at least 96 not 80 or 72.

I really think you should show him this thread maybe he will then see what we can all see? If your daughter is rude why? I am betting she is trying to get her own back for being hurt by someone who should love and protect her love

It's safe to say that you can't rely on H to fight back against MIL and should do it yourself, show your daughter that at least one of her parents will support her (although I expect she already knows how much you do for her.) If the shit hits the fan then I think it's the hill worth dying on. Your MIL and H are despicable and it's only a matter of time before both your children hate their father as much as GM. Your children both sound wonderful and a credit to you.

This has got bugger all to do with age and everything to do with ignorance and a nasty personality.

A person who fought in WW2 can still be told they're being rude, imo.

I am wondering if the GM has been fully briefed and educated on the condition in the first instance, along with addressing sufficiently the way she speaks to DGD.

Unless I have missed something, the woman may need educating in the first instance and preferably by mum and not the next to useless father as the ship has long since failed for him to do anything effective.

Just a bit of a diversion sorry. WW2 or not grandma and DH buy into the belief that you don't question your elders and that respect only needs to go one way. It sounds like the idea of standing up to her simply wouldn't occur to him.

I think sometimes they truly do not understand disability even if it is explained over and over again. My DM underplays disabilities or other issues with regards to children and thinks it is no big deal as long as they can get to the toilet and feed themselves.

All her sympathies lie with older people and the struggles that come with age. Sometimes people’s vision narrows to just themselves.