Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

@Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor you sound like an amazing mother, and this grandma sounds awful.

My MIL can often be rude about our DS2 who has very long hair and I heard her making a comment to him about him looking like a girl so should get his hair cut! I turned round and pointed out that grandma has really short hair so must be a boy as she chooses to keep getting it cut really short.

I just reassured DS2 that his hair was amazing and grandma was just jealous.

It is imperative your DH speaks to his mum to make it clear her negative attitude won't be tolerated.

If you hear her saying anything negative again, then just start pointing out her own inadequacies, because I bet she is far from perfect!

Older people were raised in a different time and it’s fair to say that what is inappropriate now wasn’t inappropriate then.

I still have middle aged people calling my DC ‘half cast’ or ‘coloured’.
They’re not being racist they’re just saying what they’ve always been taught to say as it wasn’t offensive.

There will be plenty of words that we say today that in 10 years will be offensive.

However, she is being rude and there is no need to keep bringing it up in front of her, especially as she’s been told.
Her age does not give her a free pass to make DD feel like shit.

However I think DH is to blame here as he’s the one taking DD over there and not putting his mum right when she says these things.

Grandma is unkind, age is irrelevant. My parents are both 82 and have always been understanding and wonderful with 16yo DS who is autistic

People really missed the point when I asked the age - it was about whether she was too old to change, not that "all old people are ignorant."

You DH can see his mother if he wants. On the plus side, it's not your mother, so you don't have to feel any weird obligation to see her.

Your kids don't have to.

I don't think there's any dilemma here. If you want to see someone, you don't intentionally hurt them. Actions have consequences. So if you don't like someone, you don't see them. I don't care if they are family or not.

My MIL can often be rude about our DS2 who has very long hair and I heard her making a comment to him about him looking like a girl so should get his hair cut! I turned round and pointed out that grandma has really short hair so must be a boy as she chooses to keep getting it cut really short.

🤣🤣👏👏👏

72 is not even that old. Not that age is an excuse. I’m all for putting up with crap from family to keep the peace, everything doesn’t need to be a drama. But this is not on the normal level. As if your DD doesn’t have enough to deal with in life without having to deal with a bitch of a grandma and an unsupportive dad.
Your DH sounds like a shitty father and should be ashamed that he’s let this get this far.

If your DH insists on your DD seeing his mother, then he also has to insist that his mother stops being rude to her. It's very simple. If he won't do that, there is no earthly reason why your DD should go to see her. It's pretty black and white in this instance.

If a teacher was this rude, you'd ask for your dd to change class.

You can't change your MIL but if she won't change, your dd doesn't see her.

I've no idea why so many men are so wet when it comes to their mothers and why they put them first over the kids they chose to have.

Quite frankly I wouldn't care about driving a wedge between the families. If your MIL isn't kind to your DD I would just stop seeing her.

If your spineless (D)H wants to see his mum he can go on his own.

No child should have to spend time with an adult who undermines them and plays favourites. The age of the adult is completely irrelevant to this.

Your DH could have that conversation with his mother - he is choosing not to. So yet another man choosing an easy life at the expense of their child. Ask him how he feels about his future adult daughter always knowing he wasn't there for her when her mother and brother were? He will be the parent who chose to let her down.

This too.

I really feel for you and your DD. It's very difficult to understand how a grandparent can be so insensitive and cruel and not just love your DD for who she is. My nephew is autistic and both sets of grandparents just want him to be happy - no-one cares about what he doesn't do. My MiL can be quite critical of our son sometimes - silly thing like his hair being too long, or him being overly excited about something - he's a lovely, kind, thoughtful boy so this makes me really cross and I can't contain it sometimes. It's no excuse, but I honestly think that the filter has gone for her and she just can't seem to help saying these things. I don't think your daughter should have to tolerate this from her grandmother when she's had to face so many struggles in life already. You need love and care from those closest to you, not judgement. Your husband has let you down badly I'm afraid.

Whether it is an age thing for your MIL or not, your daughter doesn't need to be traumatised by that. She is 15, so she is entitled to her own "age thing". You all need to respect your daughter's sensitivities.

My MIL can often be rude about our DS2 who has very long hair and I heard her making a comment to him about him looking like a girl so should get his hair cut! I turned round and pointed out that grandma has really short hair so must be a boy as she chooses to keep getting it cut really short.

Bravo 🤣

Jesus Christ I’d want to rip him a new one

what a complete failure of a father

It sounds outwardly like the gran and dad are being arseholes but it’s hard to tell without more detail, what exactly is the gran saying?

I really appreciate your replies. DH is refusing to talk to me. Standard stuff from him.

I've just told him DD won't see his mum til this is addressed. He said nothing, just uh huh. Again standard weirdness.

I'm finding it hard to respect him. If DD said she (or Ds) could see him trying then I'd feel differently.

He's just said DD is rude and difficult to his mum. So it's embarrassing

So fine, let them have a break from each other. I believe your dd's account and why would your son agree if it wasn't true? Even so, once you get to about 15/16 you find that grandparent relationships are a matter of choice, not compulsion, and once your dd is an adult she will simply not choose to go there.

Stonewalling and gaslighting is abuse. Disgraceful that this shit has been allowed to go on for your kids whole lives. Can your shitty abusive husband fuck off somewhere? Surely you’ll be divorcing him?

I would be questioning everything with his responses to be honest. He should put his children before everything.

my parents have 4 grandchildren two of whom are disabled. They may treat them different in the sense of catering to what they need as individuals but they make sure they get equal time and are equally loved (if that makes sense)

sounds like your mil is going to be the one to miss out on seeing her fantastic grandchildren

She is merely responding in kind. Her grandmother is rude and difficult.

Your husband sounds like a spineless arsehole. Please don’t cave to whatever other childish tactics he is going to use to try to pull you and your children into line.

I had a grandparent like that. I felt like your daughter. My dad acted opposite to your husband, thankfully, but even so the comments stuck with me for a long time.

It's horrible feeling less than in your own extended family. Your husband needs to put his daughter first. He's being an arsehole. He's basically telling her that her feelings doesn't matter.

Yes definitely think they are trying to help. That's fine by me but when it's pointed out it's not helpful and the truth is ...... they act like you've personally insulted them rather allow themselves to be educated.

But this same person also told me numerous times when my mum was dying it would be better for dad if it was in the hospice rather than at home because x said ......

Thing is she's genuinely lovely. But one of these people who seems to think every problem has an easy solution except her own issues which always require an hour long debrief (yes it took that long to decide if her ds should finish college half an hour early for a dental appointment made 5 months before he started 🤣).

I don't think people rally how dismissive it comes across. My ds lives full life despite his disability - not because positive thinking makes it easy to overcome!

(Didn’t realise how many swear words were in my comment until after! Still…he deserves it. What a deplorable man.)

People just don't seem to understand illness I have multiple chronic conditions with one of them being progressive and the amount of people who say are you better now. Or when iv had surgeries does that mean its fixed now. People don't seem to grasp that a lot of conditions aren't fixable and can only be managed. You wouldn't say to someone with diabetes after their first injection of insulin are you fixed now. People just don't get it.