Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

In the short term, the kids not seeing grandma seems the best solution. DD gets her wishes respected, grandma can't be rude to someone who isn't there, and DH might be forced to stop avoiding the issue.

In the longer term, if he can't stop behaving like this, I would also be losing respect for him.

I was assaulted in my job several years ago by a teenage boy - was a teacher.
Dh was furious and helped me develop a plan to get out as soon as physically possible, fully supportive, accepted we'd have a loss of wages for a while but believed it was the best, if not the only, way forward. He wanted me to report it far higher. I just wanted out, at least temporary.
His parents and my parents both supported this and were furious for me - so being supportive isn't an age thing.

To be so dismissive if his wife being assaulted and his daughter bulked at school and by his own mother isn't right, no.

Yep you've two issues

Mil
Dh

Empower the children to do what they want.
LTB

‘Grandma’ is a cunt.

I have a physical disability caused by a neurological birth defect, and I can well remember being incredibly self conscious about it at your DDs age. I had, and still have a really supportive circle of close friends, but I well remember the bullies too - and I’m including your MIL in that group, because that’s what she is. As I’ve got older I’ve realised that the majority of people are kind and inclusive, and I’m sure your DD will come to that realisation herself. But I’m still really shocked at some peoples’ attitude towards disability and I’m really sorry that one of the first experiences of that for your DD is from her own grandma - and at such a tender age when, as well as the normal pressures on teens, she will be coming to terms with her limitations and learning how to navigate them

Your DH is letting his daughter down badly IMO. She perceives that grandma sees her as inferior to her brother, and she clearly realises her dad is not speaking up for her when he should be. Added to that it seems that if she tries to defend herself she’s told not to be rude !! She can’t win can she ? If he won’t defend her himself, then he should be encouraging her to stand up for herself, not sending the message that having a disability means she has to keep quiet and put up with shit !!

I would tell DH that he has no right to tell you to stay out of it, she’s your DD too. The best way to tackle it would be together, but it doesn’t sound as though that’s going to happen.

If he won’t step up then I would sideline grandma at the first opportunity because I think she is having a hard time accepting that her GD is disabled - hence her asking repeatedly about a cure. I think you need to be firm in confirming that, as much as you wish it wasn’t the case, the condition is not curable, that DD will learn her own way of coping with the difficulties it poses, and that her disability doesn’t define her.

Let her know how much she’s upsetting both her GC with her insensitive and ableist behaviour - the comparison between DD and DS, the snide comments and inappropriate reactions to the effects of DD’s condition, need to stop.
Tell her how hurt your DD is and that she doesn’t want to see her, and neither does DS because he sees what’s going on - and that you are supporting them both in that, until such time as grandma has a change of attitude.

Grandma is a bully - that fact is evident by your DH’s reluctance to stand up to her, and also by the fact that any attempt to disagree with her results in a row. I don’t think you can avoid that row TBH, I think it’s just a matter of whether you want to delay having it until DD has had her confidence damaged, starts internalising the hurt she is feeling, and you have to add mental health problems to the difficulties she already has.

It's encouraging that you might have an ally in your SIL. She might be good to have in your corner.

I'm so sorry about the assault and for your H's dismissal of it and utter apathy. He really doesn't deserve you.

Perhaps the best solution would be for him to move back to live with his ideal woman - his mother. Their enforced togetherness can then serve as both their mutual reward and punishment.

I don't think it's an age thing either. I do have someone close to me who is older and somewhat ableist, but she's in the minority in my sphere. Conversely, we recently lost a dear family friend at the age of 102 - he would never have said or acted in any way that was ableist, racist or denigratory.

Sending you best wishes @Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor as you consider the way ahead.

He is failing her as a parent. If je can't speak up for her I think you should and explain to grandma that her behavior is upsetting your dd. She needs to stop of she wants to have some kind of a relationship with her. I'd also speak to your dh and tell him to stop being such a wet blanket where his mother is concerned.

I recently was assaulted at work (I'm a nurse) by a man (not sexual) and he was pretty fine about that. All my colleagues said your DH must have been furious. Well nope. He told me not to report it. I bitterly regret that now.

He's not right is he.

Bloody hell op I'm furious for you. Did he say why? As in it's too much trouble and nothing will get done, or, well you need to do your job better so it doesn't happen? Both are shit, I've is clearer ltb territory.

Until this I did wonder if it was FOG.

But this and comments since I just don't think he cares - which is very worrying for both her and you OP.

Seriously please do you and your kids a favour and leave this utter piece of shit excuse for a father and a husband. He isn't supportive of his dd who is disabled and told you not to report being assaulted... Wtaf is wrong with him

Your DH is messed up. It’s not “normal” to care so little about your disabled child. I can imagine a certain level of “she must learn to cope in the world, we won’t be there forever”, I can also understand a level of “she’s my mum, I know she doesn’t mean ill”. But asking you not to report an assault on you at work? Add this all together and this is an extremely scared, avoidant, suppressed man. It’s different at work because these are people who don’t “count” emotionally. But when it’s his family - daughter, wife, mother - he avoids. Hides, head in sand, brushes over things, sweeps under carpets, pretends it doesn’t exist, minimizes. He just can’t cope. Can’t handle it.

I’m not sure I’d walk away, personally. So many factors at play. But 100% my priority would be my DD. Good call to talk to your SIL. I think you might learn a lot about your DH’s past from her. It all sounds very complicated.

As for your son - good lad. We need more young men like him in the world.

Well done for dealing with this as you are. Tough times ahead.

So so proud of your DS, especially when he has a father who is setting an appalling example.

I would be avoiding MIL and letting your DC avoid her too. I would not be impressed with DH if he didn't confront his mum on this matter

I am disabled and grew up in a household where my disability was not tolerated by my father and my siblings following the example were allowed to bully me unchecked. My DM also very much pushed me into unsuitable situations to "normalise" me and make me as "acceptable" as possible whether this was right for me or not. The message that my disability was unacceptable was constantly reinforced

As an adult I don't see my father and hate being around one sibling and minimise my contact as much as I can. The damage to my mental health has been huge and I do blame my sibling as much as my father

You sound like you support your DD much more than my mother did so the situation isn't as dire but your husband should be ashamed and should be reminded that actions have consequences in the longer term

If my mil said horrible things about my autistic daughter then I wouldn't let her see her! You have every right to have it out with mil if dh is too much of pussy to stand up to his mother.

This grandmother was born during the 1950s and was a teenager during the 1960s - she's not from the war generation

Partyandbullshit I feel like you are describing my father here. Lovely man in some ways, intelligent, witty, but "hides, head in sand, brushes over things, sweeps under carpets, pretends it doesn’t exist, minimizes" regarding personal issues (particularly my mum's mental illness and abusive behaviour).

Any advice on how to handle such a person? Can they change?

I’m of ‘that generation’ born after the war ended, wore mini skirts, white knee high boots, hot pants, went to art college, drove a mini, never smoked or did drugs though…
Im a sweet old grandma now. Or so my grandkids tell me. I’d cut my own leg off rather than hurt them in any way.

Well done.
What your not-so-D H doesn’t realise is that by putting his submissiveness to his mummy first, instead of your daughter’s feelings in the face of her horrible behaviour, he’s pushing your daughter away and she will quite likely end up not liking him at all.
It’s amazing how many men put being a submissive son to their mums above being a proper father to their children.

Is Grandma you are a cunt too strong?

It's posts like this that remind me why I shouldn't drink coffee whilst MNing 🤣

God he sounds pathetic and spineless. The fact he's not at work speaks volumes though, he has it in him, he just doesn't care enough about you and DD.
Leave him. Show your DD you don't let people treat you like this.

And your son is a C enabler.

The thing is Grandma would be deeply offended by that comment as would the OP’s dh I suspect. And yet they’re happy to be equally horrible in their attitude to the dd.
The Grandma has earned her title, the dd is stuck with her disability.

Reading your updates and they are heartbreaking. Your h and his mother are a fucking disgrace.

You are going to get a million responses saying 'you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem'.

This is true, but your husband also has a mother problem and your DD has a grandma problem.

I'm going to stick my neck out and say I don't think you have to be able to just 'put your boundaries in place' here actually, he needs to get on board and that might be quite difficult without therapy, either couples therapy for you and DH or family therapy involving your DD.

I'm sorry it is so hard, and think therapy could really help here.

I was born in the war so am older than a baby boomer. I can assure you that being old does not excuse someone being an ignorant knob.