Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

Your DDs mental health is the most important thing here. Why should your DD have to see such a spiteful woman when she really doesn’t need to? I think this should be your DDs choice. You and your DH need to protect her from any further upset. Your MIL is an adult, and being older doesn’t mean she has the right to say such nasty thoughtless things to your child.

I had similar with my then husband and his mother. He never stood up to her or backed me or our child up. He said it was because bla bla but I realise now that it was because he was scared of her, not that they were 'as stubborn as each other'. It sounds like a very similar relationship, OP, when you're talking about people not speaking.

I'm glad you're finding strength to stand up to them and that your DS is strong enough to do the same and support his sister. That's what's important, leave the toxic ones to get on with their toxicity themselves. When they become less relevant in your world you and your children will flourish.

Gosh that is such sad reading. Well done for cancelling the weekend away with them and for standing with your DD. I just can't understand how a father can behave like that and not back up his daughter.

Does her disability allow her to be safe at home while he takes ds to grandmas?

My DH takes my disabled Ds and little DS to see grandma at the weekend when I'm at work too. No such issues, and it's pretty nasty of your DH and grandma to do this.

This is the right approach. I'm going to guess the grandmother isn't even that old?

Well done for drawing the line and protecting your DD.
It would be marriage ending for me, as parents your job is to support and protect your children which, at 15, your DD still is.
What on earth is your ‘D’H thinking?!

I really appreciate all of these replies. They really validate my own views.
I have just told Dd she doesn't need to see grandma.

I've told DH that she thinks he's on his Mum's side. DH said nothing (as always)

I've always advocated for DD at school, nursery, art class, music class. I've spent years talking to people and making life as good as it can be. DH doesn't do that stuff. He'd be too scared.
Although actually he has a pretty responsible job and has no qualms about being forceful there.

Your poor DD. You’re right. You know you are.

Your poor dd. My grandma was similar used to favour my cousins over me and always used to point at my negatives and paint my cousins negatives as positives. My father never stood up against them and never protected me and always forced a relationship. I am lc with father and haven't seen my grandma in 20 years. It affects you long term. At that age you see your own value in peoples eyes. If they don't like you, you accept that you're not a likeable person and there's something wrong with you. I've carried this with me for years where it affected my personal relationships, education and career and it took a few years of therapy to overcome it. Blood it's thicker, dna means f all. Please go nc, no family is worth it if they treat you like crap.

Of course your DD can chose not to see her as she's very able to verbalise why and therefore you know she's making a balanced and informed choice.

But what is it with people thinking they know stuff and can comment on stuff they know nothing about?

My ds has a rare muscular condition and autism and has recently started driving lessons. Someone mentioned it'll mean he can take himself x, y and z places now and I replied "let's just see how he feels".

Ds tires very easily with his muscles and struggles being a passenger in a car and doesn't ever go out alone as he's anxious but we've increased his ability to go to unknown places.

A 'friend' then said. "Well I'm sure he'll be able to manage all that stuff if the people around him big him up and make him believe he can".

As if just bigging him up will cure a motor neurone disease and make driving long distances possible

I've come to conclusion that people do mean to be well being but actually they'd do better by learning to be understanding and empathetic and accept disabled people for who they are and not try and 'normalise them' by dismissing what they can't do or allow them to define the person by either their limitations or abilities.

I think it might be helpful for you to have a chat with your DH my yourselves, find out what is going on with regards his relationship with his mum, why he is 'too scared' and about how he needs to reassure his daughter he doesn't feel the same as his mum (which she could well be thinking)

He and you might find this site helpful Out of the FOG. FOG is fear, onligation and guilt.

Might be helpful to find out why your DH is feeling like this, although in my shoes I would be feeling pretty angry.

This. We are not talking about the occasional thoughtless remark here. If you don't have her back who will?

Op my blood is boiling for your DD and the fact her dad is so pathetic he allows his mum to do this. Obviously he cant control his mum's behaviour but he should at the very least be making sure his DD knows its her he supports, The very least.

Oh, that comment about "if he thinks he can" I have had similar about illness, that 'if you feel positive it might go away' yes as if it was that easy.

Maybe people feel they are trying to help? Just not understanding?

But those comments can be so annoying as they make you feel as if it is your own fault, that you are just not trying enough or being negative..

I have just had shingles which is causing a lot of pain and was told by my elderly MIL that I was 'lying around thinking about it and making it worse" mm, no I was exhausted and in pain and couldn't get out of bed!

If it helps, at 15 children of divorced parents do not have to see the non-resident parent if they don't want to. And this is 'just' a grandparent.

I’m so sorry your DD is going through this but bless you and bless you DS for standing up for her.

You're a great mum, well done for sticking up for your daughter.

Your DPs mum is bullying her in my eyes and it’s not on. I wouldn’t be letting her visit till she got her act together. It’s all nonsense about her being older so therefore has no filter etc she’s just being a nasty bully nothing to do with age.

She is only 15 but can you tell her she should stand up to her DF?
With you in the mix he is making it about you being unfair - really DD needs to be saying it but she is still quite young so I don't know if that is too much to put on her. But he can't force her.

Quite the prize isn't he🙄.

Too "scared"🙄to do any of the advocating for his child over the years so has conveniently left it ALL to you.

Too "scared" to stand up to his nasty mother.

No problems advocating for himself outside of the house though, in his work place?🙄

Funny that.

What an utterly selfish waster you have remained married to.

Your poor daughter.

What a truly shit hand life has dealt her with a father like that.

He's a disgrace.

You sound like a brilliant Mom, well done to you. I'd be telling your DD that Grandma is an ignorant bitch and she doesn't have to see her at all. Difficult with your DH but it's really nice to see that you're willing to stand up to him and protect your DD.

You are a fantastic mother - sticking up for your DD and raising your son to do likewise! Your husband is clearly afraid of his mother and this probably stems from the same kind of favouritism between him and his siblings in his own childhood. Doesn't excuse it though.

What did he say about the cancelled weekend??

@CatJumperTwat thank you. DD told me that actually and my mother's day card said thank you for never stopping making my life better.
DS is an incredible brother. I'm so proud of his kindness and support for his sister. He took someone on at school for bullying DD, got in trouble but said he didn't care, he wouldn't take that ableism crap.

This is where the "D" in DH/DP/DM etc is so ridiculous. Why the hell would you call a spineless, under-his-mum's-thumb-still, pathetic man "darling/dear"?

Not sure as well how on earth you can still be with a man like this, but your call obvs.

Glad you stand up for her, and your son does too. And that you cancelled the break away with them.

As for your having a fall out and no-one speaking for 6 months - surely a win/win result?