Disabled DD and insensitive grandparent

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancefloor]

DD (15) has a rare neurological health condition that means she cannot do certain things. It's been a long road but she's been well supported and included at school and has a wonderful group of friends who plan activities to do together that she can do. I'm incredibly proud of her.

The issue is that her grandma always talks about the things DD can't do, draws out that DS can do these things (thankfully she says) always asks when she'll be cured (she never will) , rolls her eyes at her tics and other aspects of her illness.

DD is understandably very upset and is now saying she doesn't want to see grandma as she makes her feel small, second best to healthy DS and like an inconvenience.

I'm furious with myself as it's DH's mum and they usually see them without me being there (I'm at work). He's promised me he will speak to his mum over and over and it seems he never has. I am told to stay out of it and he will deal with it. He's told Dd that it's just Grandma being silly, she's old and that's just how she is and that DD should stop being rude (she really isn't as far as I can see, just protecting herself )'. Im absolutely fuming at dh as well as grandma and minded to talk to her myself and let DD not see her til she behaves better.

If your DD is 'rude/difficult' to his mum it's hardly bloody surprising is it?! The fact that your (D)H can't see this is down to the fact that he's probably been brought up to believe his mother is always right/never wrong. She probably sees herself as the 'matriarch' of her family; "she who must be obeyed". urgh; hate that shit.

Nah, I wouldn't be having any of this. I think if (D)H isn't prepared to stand up FOR HIS OWN DAUGHTER (FFS) then she definitely never visits granny again. that's a win/win for you OP. And you have nothing to feel guilty for, should this drive a wedge into his family again. You and your lovely DS are absolutely doing the right thing for your DD. Advocating for DD is your No. 1 priority, not pandering to (D)H or his witch of a mother.

I think i would be telling this man to go take a long walk off a short pier and take his mother with him!

i am absolutely flabbergast by this. With regards ti his mother, her age has f*k all to do with. My dads nearly 70 and wouldn’t dream of doing this to any of his gran kids. My nana was 94(died last year) and she wouldn’t have done this. Your MIL is just a class A c*t!

It’s not always an age thing. Rude people are rude whatever their age.
As for your ‘not so’ D H telling you it’s none of your business, he’s wrong, it very IS much your business if he can’t find his spine and tell his mother to stop the comments to your dd.
She needs telling and soon. And if he won’t then you’re going to have to.

Ask him to tell you how specifically she is being rude.

It sounds like evasion.

Sorry I missed your latest update. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it.

I think I have been brought up to think you must respect your grandparents and have excused some of this shit too. I'm so angry with myself but largely with Dh.

His sister does not put up with this crap when she makes nasty comments to her. I'm going to ring he today and ask for her help in speaking to mil.

DH is clearly not going to help. I'm reflecting on the comments about leaving and I have considered this recently as he doesn't stand up for me either. I recently was assaulted at work (I'm a nurse) by a man (not sexual) and he was pretty fine about that. All my colleagues said your DH must have been furious. Well nope. He told me not to report it. I bitterly regret that now.

He's not right is he.

I'm so sick of this kind of bullying behaviour being excused by people being old. Just because someone is from a different generation doesnt mean they cant grasp the concept of a disability being a life long condition and it doesnt mean they cant understand that its rude, offensive and ableist. I'm quite sure if they were insulted due to their age/physical struggles, they wouldnt like it so it doesnt take a genius to know you treat others how you would want to be treated yourself.

Plenty of older people manage to still be kind, sensitive and caring so its not an excuse. She's a bully, end of. I would be demanding my husband stood up to her and challenged her on her vile behaviour and if he couldnt, I'd be seriously reconsidering if I could continue the relationship. His child should be his priority, not his horrid mother.

Sorry again, I mean DH being the Apple.

Of course it's not an age thing. Just dip into any thread on MN about wheelchairs/buggies on buses and you will see quite a few ableist comments from people who I assume are child-bearing age. If anything older people are more likely to understand that people without disabilities are "temporarily abled" because very few people get to a significant older age without some disabilities.

OP, I'm another parent of a child (now adult) with a disability. I agree with many of the comments on here, but especially about how you have supported your daughter and raised a son who supports her as well.

No, OP. He isn't right. I'm sorry that happened to you, and that he isn't supportive of you either.

He sounds weak in every way.

No he isn’t right,and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. He doesn’t sound in any way loving, caring or supportive, of either you or dd.

I recently was assaulted at work (I'm a nurse) by a man (not sexual) and he was pretty fine about that. All my colleagues said your DH must have been furious. Well nope. He told me not to report it. I bitterly regret that now.

This man should have your back, your DD's back and DS's back. In fact, the only person whose back he has is his mother's and apparently that of random man who chose to take a swing at his wife. It gets worse with every update. You really must consider LingTB.

So you have spoken to her before about her attitude, and she was so upset at being pulled up on it, that no one spoke for 6 months. Sounds like a win win situation for you and dd. I 'd be speaking to her again tomorrow!

Hate it when old people play the "age card", even worse when people play it on their behalf. Basically means anyone over a certain age can be as rude and offensive to whoever they like and never care about hurting anyone's feelings ever again because....well, they're old.....and they never have to face up to the consequences or be responsible for their words or actions.
The MIL was like this, a right racist witch, but my DH (her son) would never challenge her just used to say "she's old, she's not going to change now...." I soon put her in her place the first time she dared use a slur in front of my dd.

Oh OP, that's dreadful of him. I think you'd be right to revisit whether or not you want a future with a man who does not have your back in any way, shape or form.

As for age and respect - the default position when meeting someone, of whatever age, is that of mutual respect. If the other person then behaves in such a way that the respect is lost, as with your MIL, then you are entitled to adjust your reactions accordingly. Respect can be lost. It's very hard to gain it back.

And nobody gets an extra helping of respect just because they've managed to live long enough to get old (I am old).

What's the fuck did I just read? Your DD is 15 and has been bullied and harassed by not only her grandmother but her father as well? I've got a 22-year old severely disabled son and I've heard some shit advice from distant in laws but never to this point where my son didn't want to be around them and always had husband on the same side as myself and backed our son 100%-you've got a massive DH problem and I'd be seriously considering leaving the abusive fucker and at your children's' age they never have to see their battle axe grandmother again

Sorry I forgot to add I am an RN and been assaulted by a patient and my DH was incandescent with rage

Did you not read the thread? The OP’s son said he doesn’t want to see his grandmother either after recognising how that woman has treated his sister.

So, the OP, her daughter and her son don’t want to see that nasty woman - so why would you assume the OP and her son spend the weekend with her MIL while a 15 year old girl spends the weekend alone?

In what world would you leave a 15 year old girl alone for a weekend? Health issues aside - the girl has done nothing wrong with establishing boundaries. Yet you’re suggesting the family leave to spend time with the grandma?

Look, 3 out of 4 people want nothing to do with the old bat - why should anyone have to see her ever again?

Sounds like your “dh” couldn’t give a shit about anyone but his mother

Your husband doesn’t care about you or your daughter. He even encouraged you not do anything after being physically attacked at work.

How can you stand to be in close proximity to your husband?

I would pack him a bag and tell him to F-off to his mother’s house.

Only read to here so far but I don't know how you can even look at him tbh.

OP you don’t need to speak to the woman. Just be concerned with getting your poor kids away from your abusive husband. Never mind his shitty relatives or analysing him.

She’s not rude and difficult!! She’s establishing boundaries! She’s three years away from being classed as an adult.

Your MIL is already an adult who is bullying a child who happens to have a disability.

Tell your husband it’s embarrassing what a shitty husband and father he is and that it’s time he goes back to his mummy because he has no business pretending to be a husband and a father.

I wouldn't waste any emotional energy trying to fix things with your MIL. Just cut her out. It sounds as if your H actually feels the same about your daughter as MIL does, I'm afraid to say. I was principal advocate for my disabled child, but DH had my back every step of the way. I think you were right to consider divorce. You and your children sound great.

Your husband is protecting himself from his mother, to your daughter's detriment. He's 'brave' enough to have no respect or care for you, or your DD, though. He is the product of his upbringing.

As a matter of interest, if you don't mind sharing, what's your FIL like?