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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

223 replies

Pink39tree · 16/02/2023 19:50

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 16/02/2023 19:55

He hasn't backtracked; you have.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/02/2023 19:55

Your reasons for 'not wanting children' were not only fertility issues. They were also career progression and something odd about deciding at 18. So you are misrepresenting the situation.

You have been deeply unfair to your DH. You made it clear you would never try IVF. That kids were never an option. He came to terms with that in the end.

Exactly how did you 'get some news' that meant you could have DC? if you understood you were unable to conceive, what changed that you realised you then could?

Oojamaflipp · 16/02/2023 19:56

I'm not sure it's just him that's backtracked though? I know part of your change if heart came because of your fertility, but it seems unfair to put this 'change of heart's on him.

Jimboscott0115 · 16/02/2023 19:57

You're not unreasonable for wanting children, he isn't unreasonable for not wanting children given the circumstances.

Ultimately you have to weigh up whether you'll find someone you love as much as him and have kids with that person Vs what you'd lose by not being with your current partner.

Starlitestarbright · 16/02/2023 20:00

You wanted it both ways op. It's you that's backed tracked

Sapphire387 · 16/02/2023 20:01

You backtracked - not him. You seem to be expecting him to suddenly be jumping for joy when in reality he's probably chosen your relationship and spent a long time coming to terms with the fact that he was giving up the chance to become a father.

You are being hugely unreasonable.

If you have changed your mind and he hasn't, that's on you. And you'll need to decide whether you can stay in your marriage.

ourflagmeansdeath · 16/02/2023 20:01

I think it's you who has backtracked. He came to terms with not having children despite always wanting to be a father. You can't expect him to change all of that all over again just because your views have changed. I know the fertility was part of it but you didn't want kids for other reasons as well. Don't think he's in the wrong at all. I don't blame you for wanting kids now, but you'll have to be the one to come to term with that now.

aintnothinbutagstring · 16/02/2023 20:02

How old are you both?

cushioncovers · 16/02/2023 20:02

He changed to meet your needs once op and now you are wanting him to do it again.

PermanentTemporary · 16/02/2023 20:02

Argh. This sounds incredibly painful. For him.

Do you love him? Do you care about his feelings? Do you truly understand what you've done to him?

You have every right to want children or to not want them. And I hope he's not deliberately punishing you. But this is a mess. I'd suggest you ask him if he would consider relationship counselling because there's been a big shift between you and it feels as if you're both struggling to navigate it or communicate.

At some point I think you're going to have to apologise to him, but not until you really mean it.

Applesandcarrots · 16/02/2023 20:03

Sorry but you are the one who backtracked. He adapted to the situation, now you are changing it and are upset he is happy with situation he adapted into.

He gave up something he wanted to be with you and now when he found peace and happiness with it you want him to give that up

LittleMousewithcloggson · 16/02/2023 20:04

You’ve changed not him but I don’t think you are being unreasonable
if you want children that much then you will no longer be happy with the life you currently have and, in turn, neither will he because it won’t be the same as it was
Fairer now to both of you to try to make a decision you are both happy with and if you can’t then you might sadly have to call it a day
Otherwise one of you will end up resenting the other

whumpthereitis · 16/02/2023 20:04

You’re the one that’s flip-flopped on him here. He may have wanted children at one point, but choosing to be with you and having a DINK lifestyle changed his mind. The fact that things have changed for you does not mean his is automatically going to switch back, and it’s unreasonable of you to expect it to.

Lcb123 · 16/02/2023 20:06

It seems you backtracked though? He has probably resigned himself to not having kids and has made peace with that decision. Sounds like you thought you had to make a decision at a young age and stick with that which is quite silly but I know you can’t change that. When I was 21 I would have said never to kids but 10 years later I’m TTC. Was always open minded to the future

WeWereInParis · 16/02/2023 20:06

I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

This is spectacularly hypocritical. He could write virtually the identical words about you. "I can't understand how she's gone from the one who didn't want them to now considering leaving me over it. She knows very well I changed my mind and I feel like she's holding my earlier opinion against me."

Neither of you are unreasonable for wanting/not wanting children. You are being very unreasonable for characterising this situation as him backtracking.

Magenta82 · 16/02/2023 20:06

It doesn't sound like he has backtracked OP, you have changed your mind. I think it is fine to have a conversation about it, it is even OK to end the marriage if you both want different things. What isn't fair is to blame him or suggest he is at fault.

Remaker · 16/02/2023 20:09

Did you get married very young? Because all of this sounds spectacularly immature. Either that or you’ve made it all up. Extremely implausible outside a (bad) movie script to have this many plot twists while also not communicating honestly with your spouse.

billy1966 · 16/02/2023 20:12

Circumstances changed and he has not.

It really is that simple.

I think you need to accept his decision and start focusing utterly on what YOU really want from life.

If you want to meet someone and have children, then you need to move on from your marriage or consider a sperm donor.

Waiting years expecting him to change and being resentful will only waste your time.

What age are you?

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2023 20:12

YABU and quite cruel imo.

You are the one that has backtracked, I can't fathom how you are spinning this onto your husband.

Remain DINKYS and put this out of your mind, having a child is not for you.

Abba123 · 16/02/2023 20:15

You are being unreasonable because it is you who are changing what was agreed, despite the reason behind it.

He was desperate for children, you said no and he stuck by you.

You are now desperate for children, he says no and you’re going to emotionally blackmail him and ultimately divorce him.

Yes, you should divorce him. If you want children you should find someone who wants them, but you do have to take responsibility for the hypocrisy and selfishness of your decision even if I don’t necessary disagree with it.

Particularprick · 16/02/2023 20:15

An ultimatum? I feel like you already gave him one of those and he chose you.

DashboardConfessional · 16/02/2023 20:17

Particularprick · 16/02/2023 20:15

An ultimatum? I feel like you already gave him one of those and he chose you.

Exactly!

Galadriel90 · 16/02/2023 20:18

Poor guy! You've done a 180 and are trying to blame him.

KrisAkabusi · 16/02/2023 20:18

Particularprick · 16/02/2023 20:15

An ultimatum? I feel like you already gave him one of those and he chose you.

This. You've already given him an ultimatum, and now you're considering giving him another one that's the exact opposite of the previous one. Yes, this is a messy situation, but none of it is his fault and you shouldn't be blaming him.

Johnnysgirl · 16/02/2023 20:18

None of your story makes much sense, op.
You were tested for infertility (having decided in advance of this that you didn't want kids anyway) and it was only years later that you got the results?
It really doesn't work like that.