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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

223 replies

Pink39tree · 16/02/2023 19:50

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

OP posts:
AnuSTart · 16/02/2023 20:20

Frankly you are behaving fucking abysmally and you should be ashamed of yourself OP.

SeriouslyLTB · 16/02/2023 20:20

So, he loved you more than he wanted children, demonstrated such by marrying you, he came to terms with YOUR decision and now you e changed your position and are going to completely let him down.

He hasn’t backtracked. You can’t frame it that way just to clear your conscience.

Summerfun54321 · 16/02/2023 20:21

How is he to blame for you changing your mind!? Poor sod.

mybunniesandme · 16/02/2023 20:21

Gosh you've messed him around havent you. First you give him the ultimatum that you DONT want children and now you've given him one that you DO

And I just bet the "medical" diagnosis you had at 18 is the same one trooped out by so many doctors to young women - PCOS - every young woman I know who was told by doctors they'd "struggle to conceive" due to PCOS accidentally got pregnant because they took that as that they were infertile and so got lax with contraception

VivaVivaa · 16/02/2023 20:22

I think you need to take some responsibility here OP. He hasn’t backtracked at all. The circumstances have changed and you have changed your mind. He’s had a lot to process and he’s really had the rug pulled out from underneath him with this 180 turn around. You can’t force him to have children, so your options are to not have children or divorce and try and find someone else.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/02/2023 20:24

I really feel for him. He chose you, even though it was a sacrifice. He did the work to come around genuinely to your POV. Now you want the same in reverse.

No ultimatums. Just decide if you want him or the chance at children and act accordingly.

Original poster
Pink39tree · 16/02/2023 20:26

Honestly baffled and heartbroken that so many of you have completely overlooked the fact that I was told I was infertile. I was told I couldn’t have children and as such I never made a decision not to have children it was the decision that was made for me. I came to terms with the heartbreaking news by thinking “meh who even wants kids at 18 and I’ll just be a boss lady without kids” because when you’re 18, and young, and naive, and told you can’t have something that’s how your mind works.

I found out I was supposedly infertile on the Christmas break of my first term of first year university. It was news that was delivered as part of another medical diagnosis I was given that I had been tested for. I was with my partner only a a short time and so I made it very clear to him that if he wanted children it would be best to end it because I couldn’t give him that. I thought as much as I was crazy puppy dog in love with this guy and I would be heartbroken if he left I wanted to be mature and let him know this.

He has supported me through everything, every medical appointment every turmoil and I truly adore my husband I know how lucky that he didn’t run away.

If you think being told you CANT have something and then being told you CAN and now wanting it because you can actually have it then 1000000% I backtracked and I have no issue admitting that. My issue is that now we have been having these discussions he will back track, E.g one minute mention how cute a baby outfit would look on (insert our chosen baby names we like) and I get sparkles of hope then three hours later I try and suggest a similar topic and he shuts it right down.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 16/02/2023 20:29

Pink39tree · 16/02/2023 20:26

Honestly baffled and heartbroken that so many of you have completely overlooked the fact that I was told I was infertile. I was told I couldn’t have children and as such I never made a decision not to have children it was the decision that was made for me. I came to terms with the heartbreaking news by thinking “meh who even wants kids at 18 and I’ll just be a boss lady without kids” because when you’re 18, and young, and naive, and told you can’t have something that’s how your mind works.

I found out I was supposedly infertile on the Christmas break of my first term of first year university. It was news that was delivered as part of another medical diagnosis I was given that I had been tested for. I was with my partner only a a short time and so I made it very clear to him that if he wanted children it would be best to end it because I couldn’t give him that. I thought as much as I was crazy puppy dog in love with this guy and I would be heartbroken if he left I wanted to be mature and let him know this.

He has supported me through everything, every medical appointment every turmoil and I truly adore my husband I know how lucky that he didn’t run away.

If you think being told you CANT have something and then being told you CAN and now wanting it because you can actually have it then 1000000% I backtracked and I have no issue admitting that. My issue is that now we have been having these discussions he will back track, E.g one minute mention how cute a baby outfit would look on (insert our chosen baby names we like) and I get sparkles of hope then three hours later I try and suggest a similar topic and he shuts it right down.

Under what circumstances were you suddenly told that your diagnosis was wrong and that you could have children?

whumpthereitis · 16/02/2023 20:29

Pink39tree · 16/02/2023 20:26

Honestly baffled and heartbroken that so many of you have completely overlooked the fact that I was told I was infertile. I was told I couldn’t have children and as such I never made a decision not to have children it was the decision that was made for me. I came to terms with the heartbreaking news by thinking “meh who even wants kids at 18 and I’ll just be a boss lady without kids” because when you’re 18, and young, and naive, and told you can’t have something that’s how your mind works.

I found out I was supposedly infertile on the Christmas break of my first term of first year university. It was news that was delivered as part of another medical diagnosis I was given that I had been tested for. I was with my partner only a a short time and so I made it very clear to him that if he wanted children it would be best to end it because I couldn’t give him that. I thought as much as I was crazy puppy dog in love with this guy and I would be heartbroken if he left I wanted to be mature and let him know this.

He has supported me through everything, every medical appointment every turmoil and I truly adore my husband I know how lucky that he didn’t run away.

If you think being told you CANT have something and then being told you CAN and now wanting it because you can actually have it then 1000000% I backtracked and I have no issue admitting that. My issue is that now we have been having these discussions he will back track, E.g one minute mention how cute a baby outfit would look on (insert our chosen baby names we like) and I get sparkles of hope then three hours later I try and suggest a similar topic and he shuts it right down.

no one has overlooked it, we’ve said it doesn’t mean you get to demand he changes his mind back and acquiesce to your wishes, or that he’s unreasonable for being unwilling to.

DashboardConfessional · 16/02/2023 20:32

Right. So what has changed? Were you misdiagnosed?

MarieRoseMarie · 16/02/2023 20:32

HOW OLD ARE YOU??!?!!!?

Headabovetheparakeet · 16/02/2023 20:32

How old are you both now?

DashboardConfessional · 16/02/2023 20:33

Also you said "The doctor suspected I could be infertile" which (TRUST ME!) is not the same as being categorically told it won't happen.

VivaVivaa · 16/02/2023 20:34

Pink39tree · 16/02/2023 20:26

Honestly baffled and heartbroken that so many of you have completely overlooked the fact that I was told I was infertile. I was told I couldn’t have children and as such I never made a decision not to have children it was the decision that was made for me. I came to terms with the heartbreaking news by thinking “meh who even wants kids at 18 and I’ll just be a boss lady without kids” because when you’re 18, and young, and naive, and told you can’t have something that’s how your mind works.

I found out I was supposedly infertile on the Christmas break of my first term of first year university. It was news that was delivered as part of another medical diagnosis I was given that I had been tested for. I was with my partner only a a short time and so I made it very clear to him that if he wanted children it would be best to end it because I couldn’t give him that. I thought as much as I was crazy puppy dog in love with this guy and I would be heartbroken if he left I wanted to be mature and let him know this.

He has supported me through everything, every medical appointment every turmoil and I truly adore my husband I know how lucky that he didn’t run away.

If you think being told you CANT have something and then being told you CAN and now wanting it because you can actually have it then 1000000% I backtracked and I have no issue admitting that. My issue is that now we have been having these discussions he will back track, E.g one minute mention how cute a baby outfit would look on (insert our chosen baby names we like) and I get sparkles of hope then three hours later I try and suggest a similar topic and he shuts it right down.

I’m sorry you went through so much in your teens. Seems strange that you were told you were definitely infertile, without any proper testing, for a subsequent complete backtrack. But fundamentally he married you on the basis of not having children. His reproductive choices are his and only his. He’s made a decision and you need to live with that. I’m sorry you are both in such a predicament.

Suzi888 · 16/02/2023 20:36

Johnnysgirl · 16/02/2023 19:55

He hasn't backtracked; you have.

And that’s ok. But it’s ok for him to change his mind too.

How old are you both ? What are his reasons for not having children?

MelaniesFlowers · 16/02/2023 20:36

YABU. He hasn’t backtracked. You told him you didn’t want them, he eventually accepted that and made his peace with it.

To issue an ultimatum would be unfair considering it is you who is changing the goalposts here.

ourflagmeansdeath · 16/02/2023 20:36

I'm really sorry, that was insensitive. I am truly sorry for you finding out you were infertile and I understand it was a big change to suddenly find out you were fertile and now wanted children. I can't comprehend how hurtful that would be. But you do have to understand that you can't expect him to change his mind AGAIN. He is probably shutting it down to stop your hopes getting up. You'll just have to come to an agreement, he isn't in the wrong at all.

Also, yes how old are you? I feel like this affects it a lot. For example he may no longer want children due to age etc.

MiniCooperLover · 16/02/2023 20:37

Doctors get things wrong .. in this instance they seem to. You made a decision at 18 that's frankly weird. You can't expect him to just change his mind, he sounds terrified that he'll agree and you'll go cold on kids again.

Bronteheart · 16/02/2023 20:37

I doubt any Doctor would tell you at the age of 18 that you were definitely infertile.

WeWereInParis · 16/02/2023 20:39

In your first post you said you told him very clearly you didn't want children, and part of the reason for this was you had been told you maybe couldn't have them.

Then you say you were told you were infertile and therefore told your partner that if he wanted children, he couldn't have them with you.

Those are different situations. And it still doesn't mean your partner has backtracked.

Soapboxqueen · 16/02/2023 20:39

Tbh it doesn't matter how you got to this point. It only matters if you really want children or not.

If you do and he doesn't, then you must separate. It's not fair on either of you.

However, you must acknowledge that it is you that has changed your mind and 'backtracked' not him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/02/2023 20:40

Hi OP

Did you tell him at the time that the main reason about not having kids was because you were trying to protect yourself from the pain of infertility? If not I think you're being a little unfair on him. You sold him all the benefits of a child free life and then he came to terms with it and now he actively likes it and is happy with his life...and actually you tell him you never really wanted that all along it was just a decision that was made for you. I do understand that at 18 you might not have the emotional maturity to explain the reasons behind decisions...but surely you can see that from his point of view you've made a huge u turn.

Saying that, he absolutely should not be talking about names of your future babies or that they would look cute in whatever outfit if he has no intention of having kids. That's just cruel.

You could give him an ultimatum if you're prepared to follow through and you're also prepared to have a baby with someone who isnt 100% on board so may end up resenting you.

I think I'd more angle the discussion that you definitely want to see kids in your future. You understand this is a huge thing to get his head around and you will give him some time to get his head around it and take discussions off the table for a few months. But in the mean time he is not to discuss baby names etc as it might be giving you false hope. He needs to promise to have a proper think about it and you both to have an open and honest discussion. If you're like 'get me pregnant or I'll leave', one of you is going to end up horribly resentful here

DashboardConfessional · 16/02/2023 20:41

One thing that would influence me, in his place, would be that I'm assuming you haven't used contraception (you may use a barrier method, of course, some married couples do!) and haven't conceived, so perhaps he doesn't want to get his hopes up. This might not apply depending on what the actual issue was/is.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2023 20:42

Stop, just stop trying to justify yourself and paint him as the all and out villain.

You gave him an ultimatum, he accepted that and moved on for you.
It is not fair to issue him another one whilst trying to absolve your own actions here, they have been self centered and shitty.

You sound quite immature, not ready for babies at least even if you can have them now.

Sarahcoggles · 16/02/2023 20:43

None of this makes any sense