Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

[Pink39tree]

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

You sold him YOUR dream marriage without children.
By all accounted you both worked hard building your dream, building a solid relationship, and enjoying the dinky lifestyle.

Now you’ve decided to shatter the dream and are talking about giving an ultimatum. It has to be the most selfish thing I can think of after he’s invested all the time and effort into your relationship together.

This has nothing to do with him. Then blame here lies wholly with you.

That said, as I see it you have three outcomes...

1. You convince him and have a child together. I don’t see anyone destroying their marriage over sleepless nights. That’s what second bedrooms and sofas are for. Besides, he gets to use crayons in McDs and play with Lego again. We all have our fingers crossed for this outcome.
2. You realise your the one being selfish and breaking the relationship contract you had right from the beginning. You decide to settle for the relationship you know and love, and hope that you can deal with not having children without too much grief.
3. You’s go your separate ways, but you have to find and form a relationship and have kids with an inherently less stable relationship due to time together, and you may still end up childless, and you’ll have destroyed the chance of going back if you find out you were meant to be with your current partner all along and are just going through a midlife crisis.

It all comes down to just how selfish you are willing to be.
Can you see him sewing eyes on his sock and having it play tea parties with your child?

Of course it’s fine to change your mind, hell the partner has already done so, from wanting them to not. What isn’t fine is OP expecting him to change his mind again because she has, and acting as if he’s unreasonable in not obliging.

He sounds very sweet and like you're his whole world. You sound like a self-absorbed brat who doesn't consider anybody else. Stop giving him ultimatums, grow up, and let him find someone nice to be with.

Personally, in the long run, I think it doesn't really matter what you both decided or wanted when you first met. It does matter what you both want now. You are the one who changed your position, which you are entitled to do.

Your only decision is that if he doesn't change his mind back to his former position, will you stay or will you go?

Children are fantastic and they are also bloody hard work.

Whatever your reasons for wanting or not wanting children, and whatever his reasons for wanting or not wanting children - the important thing in the end is that you both feel happy with the outcome, and if you cannot both feel happy, then you have to do what is right for you.

I'd say the same whether you were the male or female in this situation and whether you wanted or didn't want children.

Good luck.

I think you would be wrong to give him an ultimatum. You shouldn't have to coerce someone into parenthood. He doesn't want children, so you know any children you have will only be because of your ultimatum. It is you who needs to decide what to do. Your options are to stay and accept no children, or leave and try to have them with someone else. This is not his decision.

I think you need to focus on the present rather than the past. You have a husband who does not want children. You want children. Realistically if this is unlikely to change you aren’t compatible any more.

It sounds like you’ve spent years in denial/insisting you don’t want children as a coping mechanism because of what you were told about your health, so I’m not surprised this has shaken you up.

I don’t think your husband has backtracked though, I think he’s taken what you’ve said about children at face value and adjusted to it. I know the whole thing is frustrating but it’s nobody’s fault.

I wouldn't talk about backtracking. He adjusted to the percieved reality. Him switching around now might be a sign of him giving it some thought.
I'm not sure asking him for silence until definitive position would work, I'd want to do the thinking together, understand his position, not to force him to be quiet while pondering this.

I'd be careful about claiming you definitely want kids - if your attitude against assisted reproduction remains, it is still question of probability.

I suppose the question now is, whether you both would want to give it a chance and welcome a child if things would click or not.

I don't think it matters what and how you've gotten to this position. What matters is the future and whether you both want the same things.

Definitely don't give an ultimatum, as he may agree to kids under the pressure to not lose you and then resent you for it.

I would have a serious conversation about WHY he doesn't want kids, what his concerns are and how as a couple you can work through them. If at the end of it he still isn't convinced, I would separate for some time - give you both space to think. Then in a few months see how you feel. Both accepting that pregnancy isn't guaranteed so no getting hopes up (tough to do but you'll have to manage both your expectations).

If you still cannot agree on what to do, then leaving him is the best option. It's heartbreaking but you're still young and have the chance to meet someone else. If you really want kids, you'd be more heartbroken to not at least try for them I think.

….. hmmmmm 🤔

It sounds like you've had a rough ride and I don't really understand why people are giving you such a hard time here. I was told I might have a life-shortening condition as a teenager and it really shook me up and totally affected my world view and my view of my future (I didn't have it, as it turned out a considerable time later). I can completely understand how being told you were likely to be infertile whilst still just a teenager would have a huge affect on you and would shape your attitudes. I imagine in the same situation I would have probably built a wall "I don't want children anyway!" to protect myself from my feelings, as it sounds like you did. It seems like your partner went on a rough ride too - slowly coming to terms with not having children and then getting to a place where he loves the life you have and doesn't want to change it.
I don't know how you can resolve it, because there's no "meet in the middle" with this one. Any compromise involves one person entirely giving up what they want. I wonder if he is completely certain about his current feelings. If he really is, I can't see why he would be making the comments about how your babies might look - that would just seem to be cruel on his part. I'm wondering if he is actually quite conflicted and needs someone to unpick his feelings with.
Ultimately if you both really want the opposite to each other then it's hard to see how this could work into the future. Sadly it's been one of the main reasons I've known couples split, one way and another. I hope you get through it.

How many years have you been having unprotected sex with him without getting pregnant?

Maybe he’s doubtful you can have children without a struggle and so doesn’t want all the heartache that goes with that. Plus if he really wanted kids and has now accepted it then trying and failing could bring more issues for him.

I think you’ve got a fabulous husband and you are being unreasonable.

you broke is heart about no kids. Killing his dream. He got married to you because he loved you more than his dream.

he’s now got used to the idea.

and now you’ve changed your mind!

And you expect to snap your fingers and change his back!

Youre being selfish and narcissistic.
If you proceed then you don’t love him at all.

get counselling for yourself and together
otherwise you’ll ruin this lovely man’s life

Your 29! Considering all this drama way to young for ultimatums. Just let it lie for a year atleast.

I think this very dramatic black and white thinking and issuing of ultimatums was one thing when you were 18 but at 30 it’s time to stop.

You both need to approach each other and this discussion with some empathy and compassion. Fertility is a fraught topic and it deserves more careful handling than the way you dealt with it when you were much younger.

is Your medical condition PCOS or endometriosis by any chance as doctors are well known for explaining that they can cause infertility. From your posts it’s not clear that they said you definitely are just that you got diagnosed with a condition that could lead to infertility. They never said directly you were you just took it as that.

. I do understand though as I have pcos but sadly I’m infertile due to chemo so no chance for me. Now your life with your husband is built on a life without children. You told him and he accepted it and you. Now years later you think you’re not. You can’t spring this on him suddenly and think he’ll be ok. I’ve genuinely had to accept I won’t be a mum so i know the feeling and it doesn’t go away just like that. I suggest you get some medical advice and tests as to whether you can definitely have children and then speak to him again. In my opinion you would be awful to leave him considering he left what he wanted for you.

You're quite defensive. It IS you who's backtracked though.
You say you're waiting for him to give you a final answer , what you mean is you're waiting for him to change his mind.

No one is unreasonable. You made a decision at 18, based on no actual 'facts' that's you couldn't have children. At that time you have him the choice to walk away and he didn't. You have now found out actual medical information that has changed your viewpoint, and assumed that after all this time he will change his. The same ultimatum applies as it did at 18, but now the other way. You e changed your mind, so either you stay and don't have kids, or leave and find someone who does 100% want to.

I just want to start by saying I am so sorry that you were delivered such sad news at such a young age. I actually know a lady very similar to your situation she is very head strong and would say similar things i.e. who wants kids anyway etc. But deep down I knew that it broke her heart that she potentially can never have children. I think in life we have all these options i.e. to have children or to not have children and its great when its our decision but when its taken out of our hands we can become closed up about the situation as a coping mechanism. I really do feel for you and don't think your partner should be discussing baby names etc. Because if he definately doesn't want children then that isn't fair. It sounds as though he isn't 100% against it so I would definately sit down and discuss this with him. Life is difficult but communication is key with this as you both need to decide what you want because what ifs are horrible. I really hope you guys decide what is best for you and you are kind to yourselves in the process. Please take what some people are saying with a pinch of salt as a lot of people on these threads basically tell you to dump your partner and they have never been in your shoes or situation. I know people are trying to be helpful but this is your life and nobody elses, advice is what you are seeking not judgement and a lot of people have misunderstood the post, i think your additional posts have helped clear a few things up but even so people are very dramatic lol.

It would appear that your DH has had several years to change his mind and he hasn't.

I don't understand the "would our baby look like that comment", it seems cruel to be honest.

I'm sorry.

the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them

Sorry for bringing this up again but I'm just a bit unsure if you were actually fully told you were infertile because here it sounds like it was a maybe so you just convinced yourself you would be?

It was over 10 years ago when you husband got his head around the fact you told him you were infertile and children wouldn't be for you. He chose to stand by you and accepted this. He changed what he thought his future would look like! Now you want him, over 10 years later, to change that. That's huge.

I think you really need to consider what an ultimatum would look like as it sounds like you think if you give him time he'll change his mind! What if he says he doesn't see children in his future? Are you OK to throw it all away? Have you actually thought about what your future looks like with kids? Or have you just been told there is a chance you can have kids now and so that's what you must do? Food for thought OP...

Its a difficult situation to be in but you need to be fully sure about what you want.

OP you're getting some rather bizarre and harsh responses on here. I hope you're OK.

It's absolutely fine for you to change your mind about children. You have been through a lot. At 18, we also don't know how we are going to feel at 29/30.

I would suggest keeping the lines of communication open with your husband around babies. Explain that some of the comments about your future babies are upsetting when he is still expressing that he doesn't want children. He is going to need time to adjust and get his head round things. He's had over a decade of thinking children were never going to happen for him. He may just need time, or he may not. You have to be prepared for both. It's early days yet.

It is absolutely fine to change mind.
It's not fine to blame other party and claim they changed their mind. That's what got people's backs up. If it was without the blame about backtracking the answers would be completely different.

I agree that he is probably confused as well hence the double sided comments.
I am bit eh? at never planning to have kids but have chosen names like this. As someone who never planned to have kids.

You backtracked, not him.

It was you that backtracked.

But no its not unreasonable to split if you want kids and he doesn't. Its obviously going to cause the hurt that you tried to avoid in the early days by being honest saying you didn't want kids. But that's the price to pay when someone changes their mind (you).

I started to read your post and thought oh no he's changed his mind and wants children after it was made clear you didn't want any but then come to find that as previous posters have commented its you that's 'backtracked'. You're not wrong for now wanting children especially if you were made to believe you wouldn't be able to but he did adapt and come to terms (for you) about maybe never having them and now its a little unfair to expect him to again just be on board with it all. So i do think an ultimatum is necessary for both your sakes and however painful, it is better to do this now.