Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

[Pink39tree]

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

@Pink39tree
Is there any part of this long sad tale that you take responsibility for?
Is there anything where you think you may have done the wrong think?

I agree with this but also don't think either you or your DH are BU.

I had a similar conversation with a doctor at age 18 and was told I had reduced fertility. I carried that sentence with me for several years and was flippant with my BC assuming it wouldn't happen. Guess what I fell pregnant.

I think you both of you need to adapt your views, life brings when changes of circumstances. It does sound like your DH is having trouble coming to terms with the change in your situation and is implementing self protection. You both have some complex feelings to work through and agree you should get support from a professional to navigate these.

Ignore the cruel comments on here. Also the ignorance assuming an 18 yr old is tested for fertility when there are many diagnoses for other conditions that include reduced fertility as a symptom, PCOS for one.....

Best of luck OP.

She very specifically didn’t say she was diagnosed with “reduced fertility”. She’s repeatedly said she was categorically told she was infertile. A lot of people have said how unlikely that is but that’s the story she’s sticking with.

You're being obtuse.

The contraceptive pill is frequently prescribed for reasons beyond contraception just like women are fitted with an IUD.

They are prescribed to significantly reduce symptoms of painful periods and heavy flows.

Why so much hate?

I've met a number of women over the years who, while being diagnosed with PCOS/endo, were told they "will likely have trouble conceiving naturally" so took this to mean infertile. Then told their boyfriends "It's ok we don't need to use anything 'cause I can't get pregnant." Then tadaaa pregnant and shocked about it because they were told they were infertile! Except they were actually never told that. That's just what they assumed it meant.

At 18 I was told my ovaries were essentially so fucked I'd be unlikely to ever have children, ivf may be an option but that I wasn't even ovulating. DH and I knew each other then. I said exactly the same as you did when we got together. We planned for DINKS, BUT and this is the crucial difference at no point did I tell him I didn't want children for multiple other reasons, I accepted my diagnosis and made a plan B, talked admit coming off the pill when married but knowing the impossible was highly highly unlikely. Got married I came off the pill, got pregnant within one cycle (thanks NHS bloody good job I'd always been careful with my pill regardless -taken to manage hormonal symptoms rather than for contraception I'd been told I didn't need by more than one doctor).
The problem is you've convinced your husband in order to convince yourself that you definitely didn't want children, he was devastated but has done the work psychologically and emotionally to get past his desire to have children. You can't just switch that off.

You’re being hyperbolic. There is no hate. If you see hate please report it. But there isn’t any in that post.

It would explain the astounding number of “surprise” pregnancies on here most weeks.

If she’s telling the truth it will be on her records, and if she can prove that she was misdiagnosed and it affected her life for ten years, she can sue the doctor.
That’s a victim’s dream.

truthfully yes I do still think he’s unreasonable, not for changing from wanting kids at 18 to not
now as many have rightly put it he has as much right to change his mind as I do. However I do think he’s unreasonable to backtrack now by saying he doesn’t want kids and then bringing them up casually in conversation to indicate we will in the future

It's called confused. He is not backtrackong.
You know how peopel say man think with their dicks? And it's ridiculous thinking? Women sometimes think with their ovaries. And it's equally ridiculous.

Use your brain. This is no backtracking. I think you meed to look at definition of that. He gave up something he wanted for you, now it battles within when you dropped this bomb, yet you are still making him up the bad guy. You have turmoil within? So does fuking he.
If you are not making this brainlessbreeding need up, just break up with him fgs. Stop dragging him from post to post AND trying to make it look like he is the problem.

Why is every disagreement on here described as "hate"? So incredibly childish.
It's only one step up from "You're only jealous".
Sad.

I don't know what people get out of being so nasty @Pink39tree but please don't let them upset you.

You have a man who's a total keeper. He chose to be with you even when he knew that his hopes for children of his own were not going to materialise. Don't ever lose sight of that. He's a good man and he loves you.

However, in your own words - you found out "a few years" ago that you might be able to conceive after all, but you kept that information to yourself. I don't know how recently you have sprung this on him but bloody hell, give the man a chance! He's committed himself to you, and made the sacrifice of never being a dad because he wants to be with you. Maybe you should have shared the information with him and given both of you the opportunity to come to terms with what it might mean.

He must have soul-searched over the years, seen friends and relatives become fathers and live with the knowledge that this wasn't going to be his future.

He's come to terms with that, and now you've flung a grenade into his acceptance of the reality he thought existed. So now you are years ahead with the knowledge that you've had and he hasn't.

You need to give the man time to process all of this. Ultimately he may decide that he'd like to have a family, or possibly not - you can't blame him for that. His emotions have been through the wringer.

I don't get this "18" thing. At 18 I would have run a mile from a baby!!! It was only many years later when the old biological clock started ticking loudly, infertility beckoned, and suddenly there was nothing more in the world that I wanted.

You could have gone through life still thinking that you were infertile (don't understand this whole thing, but no matter) - would it have ruined your life, or would you just have carried on with the life you and your DH had made?

You have to let him process this, and respect his feelings here.

truthfully yes I do still think he’s unreasonable, not for changing from wanting kids at 18 to not
now as many have rightly put it he has as much right to change his mind as I do. However I do think he’s unreasonable to backtrack now by saying he doesn’t want kids and then bringing them up casually in conversation to indicate we will in the future

No, he’s not changing his mind. He’s testing the waters to try to determine what is going on inside his wife’s head, because he wants to understand what she feels.
He’s discovered that she is not the woman he fell in love with and suspects she may have lied to him for years, and she’s just wanting to get to know her again.
Maybe quit with the constant prods like telling him to put in a bath for the kids?

So what you are really saying is it's more that he's saying he doesn't want kids but then he says things that imply otherwise and your confused by what he really wants.
The only thing you can do in this situation is talk to him. Explain that the comments are not helpful and he needs to be clear what he wants. That way you have all the information you need to make a decision about your future.

Give the man a break. He’s confused - you pulled the rug from under his feet and have, from his perspective, switched suddenly from never wanting children to being utterly obsessed with the idea of having kids and unable to cope with giving him time to process this in his own way. Enough of your “deep chats.” You are putting immense pressure on him. It is clear you will not allow a tentative discussion about this as he tries to weigh up the pros and cons, as the minute he makes any sort of comment, you are leaping on it and talking about installing baths for the babies, ffs. You may make all your life decisions unilaterally, without discussion, and then suddenly spring them on people, but not everyone thinks in your tunnel-visioned way. He is unable to have a conversation with you about this because your idea of a deep chat appears to be, “Hurry up, the clock is ticking, is it a yes or a no? Don’t you dare play me around with doubts and fears. My mind is made up - you must make up yours NOW and not upset me with any discussion that doesn’t involve the words, ‘yes boss, anything you say, boss,’ or, ‘alas, it’s all over - you must pursue your dream of children with someone else’.”

He hasn’t backtracked, you have. He is living the life you said you wanted. YABVU to blame him for you changing your mind. He is being true to what you mutually agreed.

She’s already made it clear to him that she is not the person that he married and that their entire marriage was founded on her false beliefs. She was ‘apparently’ infertile, but they spent 10 years using birth control when they didn’t need to, and if they hadn’t... boom! That’s where babies come from. But no. She convinces him to give up on his dream of having children, uses birth control to make sure they can have the free and independent lifestyle she sold him on without any happy little accidents, and all of a sudden...
Ta-da! I want babies and it turns out I wasn’t infertile. Let’s have babies or I’m divorcing you.
This whole thing is about her and what she wants.
And all she’s doing is gaslighting everyone and playing the victim card.
He’s the victim here. He doesn’t even know he can trust anything his wife says anymore. He’s only just discovering their entire relationship was predicated on misinformation he was given by his wife, and the lengths to which it was concealed by birth control.
To tell the guy to stop trying to find the parameters of their relationship because ‘it’s not helpful right now’ and expect him to believe ‘just because this is how I feel’ is astonishingly self-centred.
This is not all about her.
There is someone else in this relationship, and he did not choose to damaged by this.

This

@ElliF I'm not disagreeing with what your saying but I was just trying to summarise what her issue was from piecing together the latest bits she's said.

I think the problem is your choice of words OP. He hasn't backtracked. He has sent mixed messages. He is no doubt confused and his life choices have been dictated somewhat by your first inability to then potentially able to have children. Having reset his early life concepts to one without dc he now is faced with potentially being able to. He may not want then now as he has modified his position based on your early infertility. There is no backtracking going on with him though

What is creepy about looking at baby clothing, especially if you are desperately longing for a child?

Something is seriously wrong with some of you, trying desperately to pile in on OP with nothing to say...

Why do you think he discovered she's not the woman he fell in love with?
(Aside from the fact, he may like her bad sides as wlel as good sides)- there is so much projecting here.
There is nothing to suggest any of what you said, it looks more liek wishful thinking on your behalf this is what you would do or this is what is going on in his head.
There are plen ty of people out there who change their minds on kids, maybe the husband was one of them and just prefers to be a childless person with all the liberties it offers.
Lots of people use birth control for period associated problems, not just contraception, which OP mentioned was also her case. You also skim over the fact SHE was mislead into thinking she was infertile as well, it's not like she lied to him since they were 18.
But anyways, easier to project yourself and keep on reading what you want to see.

You seem to know an awful lot about OP, given how far you're reaching.

She was told she was infertile. She used contraception to control her periods, like many girls and women do. She had an operation recently to deal with other issues. Occasionally that also fixes the infertility issues. She's now been told she should be able to get pregnant. Being older and having new information has changed what she wants. She's told him she does. He doesn't but then keeps talking about future babies. This confused and upsets her.

It's not that hard to understand

It's an elaborate lie to tell a man she's in love with when she could have just said she didn't want them. His remaining with her or not would be the same.

Anyone allowed to change their mind about wanting them before they have them

Anyone is allowed to leave a relationship that doesn't give them what they want so of course it'll ultimately be an ultimatum - this is what I want, this is what you want, if we can't align those then we need to split.