Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

[Pink39tree]

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

!!!

You changed the goalposts not him. He had a right to feel as he does just as you do. You need to have a frank discussion with him but before that I'd get your own head straight, are kids the be all and end all, are you willing to lose a relationship over this would you go it alone to get pregnant? If you would, how would that work in terms of work finances and childcare. Once you know what is non negotiable for you then speak to him and see where you can go from there.

Your relationship seems as it has always been based on your wants but a healthy relationship is based on love, respect and compromise.

I've never wanted children. I too have numerous issues with my reproductive organs, however even if this wasn't the issue, or I was suddenly told I actually could conceive, I wouldn't change my mind.

My husband has never wanted children either, and we too planned our lives around this. Pulling this rug out from under both of us would be entirely unfair.

While I'm sorry for your troubles, PP's are correct in that YOU are the one who has backtracked, for reasons you've given. None of your reasons means that your husband should fall into line with what you have now decided you want.

If you believed you were infertile for over 10 years were you using contraception? Can I gently suggest It may be worth going back to the drs to get a third opinion before throwing away your relationship. One Dr said you couldn't, now another says you can. If you haven't been using contraception it may point to it not being possible or being unlikely. Either way try not to make a big decision in reaction to this new news. Talk to your Dr and when you have all the information, including how likely pregnancy is, take this to your she and discuss it together.

I really struggle with parenthood. But being a mum is the best and hardest thing I've ever done and honestly I would pick my child every time.

So my advice is dont give an ultimatum, just accept that you have grown apart and that this is a hard part of your journey to parenthood.

FWIW my advice is anyone who thinks they dont want kids is not to do it because it's really hard and if your heart isn't it in it will break you.

You and your future baby deserve a checked in dad.

It sounds like you and he are talking in circles, him making jokes about babies and such. And you making comments about baths instead of showers instead of just sitting down and having a Frank conversation. If you have definitely decided you would like to try and have children in the future, or now, then you need to tell him straight that you have changed your mind, you would like to have children in the future and see what he honestly says. If it's a hard no for him then you will either have to leave him or come to terms with not having them, there is no compromise in this situation that works for both people if you don't agree.

OP gaslighting her husband is not okay.
Its very manipulative and selfish.
It seems like OP is going to keep badgering this guy hoping to change his mind, and he is going to keep trying to placate her because he cares about here.
This is a very toxic thing for OP to decide she want to introduce, if their relationship is as loving and wholesome as she portrays it.
This should not be all about her and what she wants.

No doubt you love your husband very much, and in that spirit it might help if you just dropped it for a year or so. You're further down the path of processing this new info and it feels like you're jumping on his every little musing about being a dad without giving him time to breathe. You're both still relatively young, take some time to properly wrap your head around the new situation and have a proper discussion later.

@Particularprick No. She said, “Do you want to play this game?”, and he said, “Okay.” They are now playing games with each other. He thought he understood their relationship, and discovered that what he thought were the foundations of their life together was just illusory. She told him what the new rules were and he decided he’d play along. He has no way of knowing what is real in his wife’s personality anymore because the woman he thought he’d married is now different.

I doubt the OP will return as she hasn't taeken criticism too well but it's very odd and gaslighty to write that the partner has backtracked.

Yep, I agree with this

I agree with @ElliF. OP's DH initially had to decide between her and a life with children. He chose her. Now years later she has discovered she can have children and now wants them. The OP now expects him to roll over and fall in with her requirements again. She has the right to make a different choice now. The problem is she cannot accept that he has a right to choose what he wants from his life. It is all about her. He'd be better off leaving the OP. The OP could then decide whether she wants another partner or to opt for a sperm donor to help her have a child.

I’ve taken criticism well, what I won’t tolerate is being pulled apart by some cruel posters on here who hide behind their keyboards and say stuff they would never dare say to someone in person. I wonder if some of you when told someone is infertile would actually respond “are you sure you’re not making up what the doctor said and running with it, you might not actually be infertile and you could just be pretending without trying” like I’ve been told. Seems a common theme with mumsnet recently that posters can be cruel to take out their own angers and frustrations on a OP and be spiteful, just became they can knock someone down and enjoy it.

I came here for advice, I’ve received some amazing insightful unbiased advice from some people with lived experience or who have the maturity to explain different perspectives to me. Their advice has left me with a lot to think about and some guidance, my aim of posting this so thank you to those that were genuinely helpful.

Presumably you spent the last decade not using any form or birth control, and this is all a big surprise. Or have you spent the last decade using birth control in case your infertility diagnosis was wrong, and not wanting to ruin your dinky lifestyle, and now you are having second thoughts because the clock is ticking?

I find it hard believe this is a spontaneous medical reversal, and a stretch to believe that you have gone for ten years without birth control. So if you’ve spent a decade using birth control, just to make sure you didn’t get pregnant, then you are not being completely candid here either.

tbh you’ve got no idea as to what posters here would be willing to say to your face.

it does seem as if your partner has planned his life around you and supported you every step of the way. However, now you’re painting him as unreasonable and ‘backtracking’ because he hasn’t just changed his mind to suit you. He hasn’t backtracked, you have. Your infertility is not a weapon to use against those who disagree with you, and nor is it a reason for you to demand people do what you want, when you want.

You crack me up, the fact your prepared to spout so much hate without even reading earlier responses I’ve made that would answer your allegations is hilarious.

Ive already explained my birth control and how this change in my fertility came about due to surgery so it wasn’t a “spontaneous medical reversal”, so please bother the full thread before before making any further comments.

You're trying to make out your partner is the unreasonable party. Many people here cateogrically disagree with that based on what you've said. It's got nothing to do with their own hang-ups and you're not doing yourself any favours insinuating that.

There is literally nothing in that post that is hateful.
I can only surmise that something touched a nerve.
You do not need to justify your actions to the thread.
Its your life and your relationship.
But you asked a question, framed it disingenuously, and then proceed to gaslight, and people pull you up about it.

Who in their right mind thinks they have to make a decision at 18.

you are the problem and he is well within his rights to of got used to your life without being tied down because that’s what they do. I love my child and wouldn’t change her for the world but sometimes I do wish me and my partner had the freedom to live the life you have.

i would of expected to give him
more time to think about it and he may come back to you and agree or disagree again. My partner already had children and the one thing I’m sad about is being unable to give mu daughter a sibling from me with him because I have siblings from just my mum and just my dad and I don’t see the ones from my dad at all so it scares me for her.

i know I’m 27 and have time for things to change and I wouldn’t want to have a child right now anyway more so in 2/3 years time when she is a little older but my partner is 11 years older than me so he’s running out of time in his mind and doesn’t want anymore after 40. So I’m having to just wait and see how life plays out for me

Do you still think your partner is the unreasonable one after all this, OP?

You're the one being unreasonable

You basically gave him an ultimatum when you thought you couldn't have children. He chose you. He's now happy with the life you have & now YOU have backtracked - he hasn't & now you're about to give him another ultimatum.

Be prepared for that not to go your way this time.

i would just re consider everything because becoming a parent is really really hard although worth it if your really in it and as @RealBecca said it will break you, your relationship and your life if not. I’m 14.5 months in and honestly I can say I’ve had up and down periods but now I’m at my strongest and I feel like I am consciously putting my child first where as before I was being selfish although all her needs and wants were met.

This is a massive life changing decision and he did choose you once upon a time where S he could be with some other woman married with children but he thought you were worth it. I don’t think you’ll regret either decision 10 years down the line but both you’ll have to work hard with and just heal from either way.

i was the same I didn’t want children I didn’t think before my partner and then he came along and changed it all.

Your first post:

The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile,

suspected, and could be.

that is NOT a diagnosis of infertility. You should be careful how you use that word, you don’t know who is reading this.

Your fertility diagnosis and previous diagnosis are literally from thin air - one was a possibly maybe and the other has been assumed without even looking at the big picture.

I’m assuming endometriosis (why the big mystery on an anonymous forum largely frequented by women I have no idea). Infertility is a big word, and endometriosis doesn’t always lead to it. Similarly, removing some by surgery doesn’t automatically grant fertility. You originally said you found out you were actually fertile a few years ago. Clearly you were fine until you were hit by broodiness, and now you expect your husband to about face again.

You asked were you being unreasonable, op,and the general consensus is Yes, you are.
But on hearing that, you accuse posters of being hatefilled harpies who have cruelly taken their own angers and frustrations out on you (why??) so you clearly haven't listened to a word.
Why did you post?

This.