Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

[Pink39tree]

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

Possible infertility or not, you have several reasons behind your decision and you are the one who has now backtracked.

I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum because that suggests he is in the wrong, but I would have a final calm conversation with him about children. If he does not want them, you will need to separate and find someone who does. Remember, just wanting children and not being infertile still doesn’t mean you will actually have them.

He accepted you unconditionally when you didn't want children, it would be rather unfair of you to not offer him the same love in return.

This. I feel sorry for him!

I'm sorry you're getting so many arsehole replies OP.

It's not you - more and more people on here just love to kick women when they are down.

I would recommend asking for support and advice elsewhere as you'll have to wade through a load of nasty replies and people deliberately misunderstanding you to find anything helpful on here.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

And for the record, you're not unreasonable at all to have a different viewpoint after finding out you can have children after all and to be upset by your husband talking about baby names etc and giving you false hope.

@Pink39tree
I would suggest getting private fertility tests for yourself to find out exactly whether you can become pregnant or not, and the chances of it, before making life changing decisions in your relationship.

I am currently going through IVF with unexplained infertility, but getting the private tests at the beginning really helped put our minds at rest knowing what was going on.

Until you start trying for a baby, you won’t know whether you can conceive or not, so you may as well do the checks to get an idea of what’s going on

So he was basically 20 and has spent a decade coming to terms with not being a Dad, for you? You're the back tracker. What an odd journey you've been on. I can't understand why you didn't reach this conclusion earlier and seek a second opinion as an adult. Why would he want to hope he can be a father when there's no guarantee with you?

Yes, absolutely agree.

You do sound very self-centred, OP. Firstly, you gave him an ultimatum that he must give up the idea of ever having children if he stayed with you, because you might be infertile and didn’t want the stress of having any hope, so he had to decide at once whether he loved you more than he loved the idea of having children so as to avoid hurting you. Now you know you could have children, you have effectively told him you love the idea of having children potentially more than you love him and he must get his head around that asap in a way that doesn’t upset you. If I were him, I would be wondering whether you actually loved me enough for it to be worth having children with you. What if he agrees to try to have kids with you and you find out he is infertile? Will you drop him like a hot potato?

In some ways I really relate to your experience - I was told at 21 that I’d struggle to conceive (PCOS), which I think made me decide I didn’t want kids as a protective measure. That said - there is a huge difference between “struggle” and “you are infertile”, and I suspect you did hear the latter when the former was said.

I had a cancer scare at 32 and am now categorically infertile. The time between finding out I had to have a total hysterectomy and having it was just under 3 weeks as it was necessary to save my life. You can’t process that, and I think part of me just went “see, this is happening because you didn’t want kids, you were right not to”.

I clearly can’t now ever get the news that I am fertile but if I did, I imagine it’d be incredibly confusing and who knows, maybe I’d change my mind. I doubt it, because I’m not maternal and I dislike children, but who knows.

The problem is that you can’t force him to change the way he feels about this. Whoever says no takes priority, as it’s not fair to a child not to be wanted. You have other options that you need to explore instead. You would BU to give him an ultimatum as that’s coercion and no child deserves to be brought into the world that way.

You set expectations in the beginning and he built his entire life around that. You’re being completely unfair.

Totally agree! Life is described as a 'journey' for a reason.

DH and I got together when I was 21 and we were both in uni. Married when I was 27, career-orientated and no interest in babies. Neither had he. When I turned 30, I suddenly thought, "maybe this is something we should do?" Infertility loomed large, later followed by miscarriage, so we had our eldest when I was 34 and our youngest when I was 40.

I think your lovely, loyal DH has spent so long dealing with the idea that the kids he wanted weren't going to happen, that he has now totally convinced himself that, in fact, he doesn't want them?

I think the two of you need to discuss this very frankly with a 3rd person (best if it's a counsellor) so that you can unravel the complex issues that have brought you to this point.

Asking on this site TBH is a recipe for disaster so please don't be distressed by any of the dickish responses to your post x

I find it strange also. My Sil is trying
for a baby & can't get any kind of testing until she has been trying at least 1yr. What happened at 18 for them to look into your fertility & confirm you were infertile?

Neither of you are being unreasonable, except you who seems to be the one who has backed the tracked.
i think if you really want kids you have to decide if that’s worth not being with him for. If not I think you’d better park it, rather than try and convince him, cause he’ll just hate you for it for about 20 years till they are grown up.

If he doesn’t want children, you should do what you suggested early in your relationship, leave and you know, avoid future hurt.

You have been giving ultimatums.

Of course you can change your mind. No one should hold you to what you wanted at 18. People change and grow. Sometimes they grow together, sometimes they compromise for each other, sometimes they grow apart. An ultimatum sounds a bit dramatic. You probably both need some thinking time.

Also, you can’t ever go back to saying you don’t want children now, but you still might not be able to have children together, even if you try, because it doesn’t happen for everyone. You have done a rapid switch from not wanting children to being so obsessed with having children that you would consider leaving your dh if he didn’t go along with what you want. His reaction is normal - trying to think about what it might be like to have a completely different future to the one you dictated for him originally, but being wary of your sudden volte face and not wanting to be bullied into it.

It’s not strange following some cancer treatment.

This is one of the most hurtful callous posts I’ve ever seen on here. He stood by you, your personal and medical decisions, and now, you’ve changed your mind, whatever the outside factors are, you chose not to try ivf etc.

I don’t think you deserve him.

If he doesn’t want children, you should do what you suggested early in your relationship, leave and you know, avoid future hurt.

I agree.

Your husband chose you over children.

You now need to decide what’s more important to you.

It is not fair to give him the ultimatum and make him choose again.

If you want children more than staying with him then you need to do the decent thing and leave so you can both move on with your lives and be happy.

You are doing some strangely rigid thinking here.

In the first instance, the doctor told you one of the side effects of your condition is infertility. You heard, "You are infertile."

In the second instance, the doctor told you you may not be infertile as a result of the operation. You heard, "Tada! Fertile!"

You based and are basing huge decisions on very nebulous statements from these doctors, which you have interpreted as definitive diagnoses.

Go back to the doctor and have him or her tell you straight up whether you are fertile or not, and how to go about a fertility test if they can't give you a yes or a no.

@Bronteheart I agree. Worked in Gynaecology for years and very very rarely heard a Doctor tell someone they definitely can’t have children because it’s very unusual there is a situation where they can say that with total certainty and particularly with a teenager. The most that might be said is it could be a take a bit longer or bit a little more difficult.
Patients say they were told all sorts of things by clinicians but the documentation on the records usually says nothing of the sort. I think people just hear something and run with it!

I think people are being overly harsh. You changed your mind, that’s allowed. The bonus is you are both fairly young still. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum, I would just plant the seed and every now and then say how you’ve changed your mind. Your friends will start having kids soon, and he may slowly come round. My husband always comes round, but he has to think it was HIS decision.

Without going to the ins and outs of this, which is a bit of a mess, this man obviously loves you, OP.
He made a sacrifice for you. It's unfair for him to be expected to change his mind at your whim years later. He may not know if you are being genuine given how you really didn't want children when you first met.

I think you would benefit from relationship counselling.
It's fortunate that you are both young and have some time to think.
Try to see things from his side too. I hope it all works out for you.

You can't lay it on his door of backtracking as you both have, i think more honesty would be you didn't want kids because you didn't think you could so threw your self into work & that became a priority as you needed a priority. Now that you can have children your priority has shifted. That's not wrong. Just be honest. How old are you both? The clock ticks. Personally I would choose children over marriage. You need time on your side though so don't be too long deciding. Xx

I am just going to jump in, in OP's defence. Something in my mind clicked at 39 and I decided I did want to be a mom, after many years of not being ready, in terms of lifestyle sacrifice, and if I am honest, a life of convenience and pleasing myself. Becoming an auntie changed my mind, and it became 'the most important' to (back in 2020, when I started training as an ed psychologist at 36) not even on the radar. I left a partner because I had changed and I had to accept that - my world had changed. I am going to qualify this autumn, then start IUI, at 40, solo. I am only grateful, so grateful, that we are still friends, and I can work 0.6 and bring in a salary for £22k. I have family nearby who want to be involved, God willing that I do conceive, which also is a blessing

I suppose I am saying, it is OK to move on the child stance. Its no more static than sexuality. I mean FFS, would there be affairs if people knew that what they wanted when they met somebody would stay constant when their horizons changed for one reason or another