Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

223 replies

Pink39tree · 16/02/2023 19:50

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

OP posts:

rothbury · 16/02/2023 20:45

YANBU. I suspect you will always resent him if he doesn’t change his mind. Obviously if he doesn’t want children now, he’s fully entitled to that, but I know I would probably leave.

You could stay with him til you’re menopausal, and he could go off with a younger woman and still have children. I know someone that happened to (her XH actually went on to have three children!)

Explain it all calmly and rationally but be prepared to have to take a big decision either way.

Jimboscott0115 · 16/02/2023 20:46

OP, you still really need to listen to the advice people have given, it doesn't really matter how you got to where you are re kids

Leirvassbu · 16/02/2023 20:47

You backtracked. He didn't.
So that means that if you do want children you will need to leave and find a new partner who does want them.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2023 20:47

He gave up having children for you, you won't return the favour? Your fertility issues are actually irrelevant. You made an agreement, you are now backtracking, not him.

ign0re · 16/02/2023 20:48

You need to sit down and discuss this with him, the flipping between discussing imaginary kids and getting your hopes up and then saying no it won’t happen/arguments ensuing.

you sit down and discuss it. Your circumstances have changed. He is under no obligation to change his mind because of the changes. As hard as that is. The part that is wrong is getting your hopes up.

Have a frank discussion, if he isn’t for changing his mind… you have to make the decision he made all those years ago. Are you ok with this? If not, you need to separate.

Whataretheodds · 16/02/2023 20:49

Ultimately it doesn't matter who backtracked. If you now believe having children is an option and you want to pursue that, but he doesn't then you have 3 options

decide to forgo trying to stay with your husband
leave him and either try to meet someone else who wants children with you in the knowledge that might not happen, and you may either have to try by yourself or accept it won't happen.
leave him and go straight to trying by yourself

How old are you?

Jimboscott0115 · 16/02/2023 20:49

Jimboscott0115 · 16/02/2023 20:46

OP, you still really need to listen to the advice people have given, it doesn't really matter how you got to where you are re kids

Argh, pressed post too early, basically I mean the facts remain that your partner is unsure about kids because he gave up on the idea because of your circumstances. Regardless of what led to that, he isn't being unreasonable but I don't think you are either so you have two very obvious options, leave and hope you meet someone you love as much as your current partner and have kids with them, or don't and accept your partners choice.

Particularprick · 16/02/2023 20:50

Your literal opening first sentence is that you made it VERY CLEAR that you DID NOT WANT children. Infertility being part of this.

What's your plan - leave your husband to meet someone else? What if they're infertile? What if actually you can't have kids after all?

All you can do is be patient with your husband who sounds like he's having a completely normal reaction to his world blowing up

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2023 20:50

Why did a doctor happen to tell you you were no longer infertile?

How old are you?

Why did you say there were several reasons you didn’t want kids but now there’s only one?

Are you married? Your title says husband but throughout your post uses partner.

There are some massive holes in your story so if people aren’t responding as you’d hope it’s possibly down to how you’re telling it.

Either way, he’s made a huge sacrifice to be with you so you’re unreasonable expecting him to make another one. And issuing ultimatums isn’t the best way to behave in any relationship. Just talk, listen and accept his decision then act accordingly.

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/02/2023 20:52

I assume that because you were told you were infertile you haven't used contraception since. If so, you're not all that fertile as a couple, it seems.

I'm intrigued as to how you've suddenly found out you ARE fertile after all- how does that happen?

Johnnysgirl · 16/02/2023 20:52

DashboardConfessional · 16/02/2023 20:41

One thing that would influence me, in his place, would be that I'm assuming you haven't used contraception (you may use a barrier method, of course, some married couples do!) and haven't conceived, so perhaps he doesn't want to get his hopes up. This might not apply depending on what the actual issue was/is.

So how did the "you're actually fertile" discussion go, when you've presumably been having unprotected sex for years with no pregnancy resulting, op?

TheFretfulPorpentine · 16/02/2023 20:52

The decision was made years ago and the grown-up course of action would be to stick with it.

Survey99 · 16/02/2023 20:55

Sorry OP, agree with many of the pp, you are the one that has backtracked.

You made too rash decision at 18 and followed through with it for several years. But it is all irrelevant, your dh might always have changed his mind.

When it comes to such a massive decision to bring a child into the world all that matters is how you both feel right now. If either of you don't want a child then the other needs to accept that or, if it is a deal breaker, find someone else.

If you are going to resent or blame him for not wanting a child your relationship is doomed.

Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 20:55

Sorry I agree. You’re the one that’s backtracked. Sorry for what you’ve been through/going through though. It can’t be easy.

Survey99 · 16/02/2023 20:59

..........the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring.

...........the fact that I was told I was infertile. I was told I couldn’t have children and as such I never made a decision not to have children it was the decision that was made for me.

These are two very different statement. The first you decided you didn't want them the second you were told would couldn't. Which was it?

DNBU · 16/02/2023 20:59

He hasn’t changed his mind? He accepted you were never having kids…

Original poster

Pink39tree · 16/02/2023 21:01

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/02/2023 20:40

Hi OP

Did you tell him at the time that the main reason about not having kids was because you were trying to protect yourself from the pain of infertility? If not I think you're being a little unfair on him. You sold him all the benefits of a child free life and then he came to terms with it and now he actively likes it and is happy with his life...and actually you tell him you never really wanted that all along it was just a decision that was made for you. I do understand that at 18 you might not have the emotional maturity to explain the reasons behind decisions...but surely you can see that from his point of view you've made a huge u turn.

Saying that, he absolutely should not be talking about names of your future babies or that they would look cute in whatever outfit if he has no intention of having kids. That's just cruel.

You could give him an ultimatum if you're prepared to follow through and you're also prepared to have a baby with someone who isnt 100% on board so may end up resenting you.

I think I'd more angle the discussion that you definitely want to see kids in your future. You understand this is a huge thing to get his head around and you will give him some time to get his head around it and take discussions off the table for a few months. But in the mean time he is not to discuss baby names etc as it might be giving you false hope. He needs to promise to have a proper think about it and you both to have an open and honest discussion. If you're like 'get me pregnant or I'll leave', one of you is going to end up horribly resentful here

Hi,
I just wanted to say thank you for actually providing me some advice going forward this was my reason for posting.

He knew from the start that my reasons were because of my fertility issues, and he has been so supportive since. He has been there through my whole mess of a medical issues that I’ve dealt with throughout my 20s

Someone asked for ages earlier. I was 18 when I met my partner and we’ve been together ever since. We got married when we were 22, we’re both 29 currently albeit he will be turning 30 soon and I don’t know if that’s why everything is heightened. In fact anyone who has got married young knows that you instantly start getting asked questions like “babies soon then?” And whilst people mean well they don’t realise how insensitive that can be to people who can’t have children. He’s always protected me by going along with “children isn’t in the picture for us, can’t stand the things and love my 6 holidays a year and the wife is doing great in her career etc” I know he doesn’t mean that but it’s easier then saying “unfortunately we can’t have children”.

I think I need to have another sit down conversation with him and really express that this is something I want, and while I don’t want him/or expect him to change his mind instantly until he’s made he’s final decision and gives me one definite answer I do not want him to pull at my heart strings by referring to babies in general conversation because then I get my hopes up. It’s just so sad because he would be a perfect father.

OP posts:

QueenCamilla · 16/02/2023 21:06

Ha, and then one of you changes their mind AFTER having a child, which happens ever so often. What a mess.

It was all wrong from the very beginning. You should have never started a relationship with this guy when you had a clear mis-match on the yay/nay kids front. It's the basics.

He was prepared to play the tune to keep the sex going in the beginning of the relationship. Now the "novelty" has worn off, he just can't be arsed. Fair enough.

Applesandcarrots · 16/02/2023 21:08

He was prepared to play the tune to keep the sex going in the beginning of the relationship. Now the "novelty" has worn off, he just can't be arsed. Fair enough.

So fucking uncalled for after 12 years of relationship and all that.

CatherinedeBourgh · 16/02/2023 21:10

When you are told you could have dc now, does that mean you have as much chance as anyone else or you need to start trying soon because it might take a while?

Because if it's the former then you just have to give him time. Adapting to the idea of not having children when he wanted them will have taken a fair amount of internal mindset adjusting, focussing on the positives of being child free, and the constraints of having children. You can't expect him to snap his mindset like you snap your fingers just because you have.

You are more than young enough that waiting a few years should not be a problem (unless it is, as said above). You are being very unfair by not being willing to give him time to process.

He accepted you unconditionally when you didn't want children, it would be rather unfair of you to not offer him the same love in return. If you do, and respect his process, he may well come round to wanting dc at some point.

QueenCamilla · 16/02/2023 21:11

I left someone after 5 months of dating when I realised he had been mirroring me by not wanting the children. I have one and will never have more. He had none. The relationship would have been a mess sooner or later, despite his protestations.

Dacadactyl · 16/02/2023 21:14

I think you are being very unreasonable. I feel sorry for him. He wanted children but decided that you were more important to him, so he came to terms with it. Now you have moved the goalposts.

Bunnyfuller · 16/02/2023 21:14

Just out of interest….I presume you’ve never used protection as you thought you were infertile? That’s actually very irresponsible of the doctor telling you that without actually checking if it were the case. ‘You might struggle conceiving’ is a reasonable comment but even IVF clinics are slow to label someone infertile!

QueenCamilla · 16/02/2023 21:17

Applesandcarrots · 16/02/2023 21:08

He was prepared to play the tune to keep the sex going in the beginning of the relationship. Now the "novelty" has worn off, he just can't be arsed. Fair enough.

So fucking uncalled for after 12 years of relationship and all that.

Jeeeez... Uncalled for what? As if it's unusual to make "concessions" for less than desirable situations in the throes of the early passion vs. in the long term. That's just normal everyday life.

Get triggered often?

mathanxiety · 16/02/2023 21:17

What tests were done to reveal you are fertile?

Did you have unprotected sex all these years, while assuming you were infertile?

How much time elapsed between you learning you are in fact fertile and deciding you wanted a baby?
Was it days? Weeks? Months? A year or more?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread