Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

[Pink39tree]

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

It reads as though you took a comment of suspicion to mean fact and never had this confirmed. You made the decision to say no to children rather than validate your own personal fertility?

Surely the first step is to run through a set of tests to confirm your fertility, and ask your husband how he would feel if it turned out everything was ok.

This whole ' I mentioned the bath and he mentioned a baby name and then he backtracked' is childish.

Sit down and talk straight like grown adults.

Your partner isn’t the problem you are, please seek counselling before trying to bring a kid into this world.

I wonder if some of you when told someone is infertile would actually respond “are you sure you’re not making up what the doctor said and running with it, you might not actually be infertile and you could just be pretending without trying” like I’ve been told.

Frankly, if a friend said "Infertility is a possible side effect" which is what you said, not that you were categorically infertile, I might ask them if there were any tests that could be done later on.

And yes, as a previous poster said, to turn this around, do you not think it insensitive to repeatedly refer to yourself as infertile on this thread when you apparently are not and, as it turns out, never were?

OP, you seem quite fixated on the belief that your reasons for changing your mind about having kids are valid, while your DH's are somehow less valid. You are struggling to understand your DH's reasons for changing his mind, just as many posters on here have struggled to understand yours because the decision to have kids (or not) is complex, deeply personal and individual. Holding onto the belief that your DH is unreasonable for changing his mind, but you are not because your reasons are in part "medical" isn't going to get you anywhere. It will just lead to more frustration.

To return to the subject of your AIBU, yes you would be hugely unreasonable to try to force your DH into becoming a Father by issuing an ultimatum. That is a recipe for unhappiness, not just for you two but for any child you may have. I always knew I wanted kids, there was never a doubt in my mind yet I found the transition to parenthood incredibly hard, the first couple of years nearly broke me and there were moments where I resented my lovely DH, even though it was 100% a mutual choice. I cannot imagine how utterly miserable I would have felt, and the strain it would have put on our marriage had I been pressured in any way.

Think about it, if he has a child he doesn't want because you've given him an ultimatum, there will always be a power imbalance in the relationship. Every time it's his turn to get up in the night, every time the child is too sick to go to nursery and someone needs to take the day off work, anytime you need a break and ask him to pick up the slack or you find yourselves falling into the classic 'competitive tiredness' trap we all fall into in those early years it will be the elephant in the room..."I didn't want this, and you knew it"...probably never spoken out loud (because it doesn't sound like he's a dick) but you will both know it's there.

Being a parent is hard.
It is not for everyone.
If you become a parent, you cannot continue to live a life that revolves only around you.

Honestly if you’ve only just found out I’d sit on it for a year anyway regardless because what you want today in the just found out weeks can be very different to what you want 6 months later.

You and your dh grieved as such the life with children and made and live this dinky life.

Now suddenly that door is possibly open to you and you want to grab it because it’s suddenly maybe possible. But your dh he grieved that when he decided to pick you over children. Now your telling him children are more important than him.

Just because you may possibly conceive doesn’t mean you actually will either so in that sitting on hands year. If you are serious about a possible divorce over this make sure you get every fertility test you can. Because can you imagine you throw away this marriage to chase a baby so then find out actually you still are not really fertile either. No devoted dh or baby.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. You are allowed to change your mind. If he isn't onboard either one of you can change your mind about whether you want to stay in the marriage. The desire to have or not have children can be very strong and being forced either way can lead to resentment which is the death of a relationship. There's no real compromise of have kids or don't have kids. If you both don't agree then one person loses either way.

You need to talk it through. Maybe agree a certain amount of time to think and process and then decide if you can agree or if it's important enough to you to separate. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.

truthfully yes I do still think he’s unreasonable, not for changing from wanting kids at 18 to not
now as many have rightly put it he has as much right to change his mind as I do. However I do think he’s unreasonable to backtrack now by saying he doesn’t want kids and then bringing them up casually in conversation to indicate we will in the future.

I think what some posters have said is correct that I need to be very clear to him that these comments are hurtful to me because it gets my hopes up when he might not necessarily intended them to. So the ultimatum I will give him is please do not make comments about children unless you are seriously considering it. For him to go away and think about it for how every many months/years he needs but when he’s ready to give me the answer that has to be his final answer. I can no longer go on with browsing the baby clothes section in Tesco in the morning when nipping in to get food together to then shutting down any conversation of children by dinner time. This is the backtracking daily that I believe is unreasonable and is playing with my feelings.

It’s hard though because I also know the importance of creating an open dialogue about this that he feels comfortable to speak to me with, without me getting my hopes up and then being upset. Not really sure how to proceed with that.

I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it.

You've said he was 18 when you got together and you told him very early on in the relationship you didn't want kids. Is it really so hard to understand that a teenager who liked the idea of being a Father one day, but let's be honest at 18 was highly unlikely to fully comprehend the reality of parenthood, might have a different perspective over a decade later? As for refusing to talk about it, you've said he's told you he doesn't want kids and has given his reasons why- he likes his childfree life and doesn't want it to change. There is no compromise to be had here, you now want them and he doesn't so maybe he doesn't see the point in taking about it. I suspect that by 'refusing to even speak about it' what you actually mean is he's refusing to give you the opportunity to try to persuade him.

He's unclear if he wants kids, not fucking the office secretary. How the hell is this suggesting he was only interested in sex but stayed too long??

@Pink39tree I would say it to your face!
I see it all the time, Doctor tells people something, patients come out call their relatives or whatever and tell them a whole different story to what they were told when I was in the room and witnessed the conversation. Just cause you don’t like it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Maybe it’s anxiety or a maybe you have a personality disorder, i’m not saying it’s deliberate, but yeah, I don’t believe a Doctor told you were told you were infertile at 18.
You can’t get pissed off if you want, I really don’t care.
Your poor husband!

Presumably you were very young when you told him you didnt want kids. He may not have thought of it much, and maybe he would have never wanted kids (I know people who wanted kids when at uni, only to change their minds once finished the degrees)- so maybe he would have decided not to have kids anyways, even without your input.

I think it's up to you to decide if you want to co ntinue being with him, or will you build up resentment towards him if you end up not having kids. Someone wrote a similar post (their husband is infertile, and refuses to use sperm donor) and a few people brought up couple breaking away because of similar issues, as one wan ted a child, one didnt, they stayed together, but the resentment just killed the relationship.

Will you be able to be happy with him moving forwards?

I think your response is pretty cruel, who are you to decide if OP deserves to try for a child or not?

Also...

E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Sorry, but this is very controlling of him. SO he wont have a bathtub because you may have kids, and even the thought of them makes him opt for a shower, just to make sure?
Maybe he is not such a great husband after all...

If you think the op sounds like an emotionally mature person with a balanced personality most suitable to having a baby right now then you are as delusional as they are.

Honestly I think you sound far too selfish, manipulative, and self absorbed to make a good parent. Some people just aren't meant for it.

And yes I absolutely would say that to your face, and probably several worse things that would get me shouted at on here.

I am very concerned at your packaging this as your DH backtracking. He agreed to no dc. He modified his outlook on life and supported you for years. You now want dc and you feel he has backtracked. You have a very self righteous and self focused attitude. He has not backtracked in the slightest. He has stuck to the plan. You have massively backtracked. Whatever the reasons are irrelevant to this fact. It's not unreasonable that you now have changed your mind but it is completely unreasonable to pack out as Jim backtracking.

I mean I get the musing can hurt but I’m done having children. I’m on the pill, dh has had a vasectomy so we are super protected and I still crack jokes about having another baby sometimes. Totally like impossible and I really don’t want one but sometimes it just kinda fits the conversation at the time.

Definitely ask him to watch what his saying though and that it confuses and hurts you.

Deluded- I think you are projecting your own personalit here a bit. The husband does not come out here very mature btw, more of a selfish prick who blocks OP having a bathtub just in case she may want to bathe babies in there in some unspecified future. If for you that's stable, cool!

Having kids is an emotional, big decision, and I understand (but maybe because I have empathy) how hard it is to come to terms with not being able to have kids, and then I imagine the joy of have been given the hope it would be possible.

I’m still baffled as to how you can frame this as him changing his mind

you tell him you’re infertile even though he wants children. He doesn’t say - “sorry I want kids and you can’t provide them
so Im off”. He gives up on this huge thing in life for you because he loves you. Have you any idea how rare that is?

and now you’re saying he’s being unreasonable because everything has changed and suddenly you’re fertile (though how you can be sure when you just have been having unprotected sex for years and not become pregnant im
not sure) You’re asking him to spin 360 degrees & fall in enthusiastically with what you want and seem to have no idea what a head fuck it is for him

But if OP forced him to put in a bath for the future babies that they both agreed they didn't want (after OP told him she didn't want anyway and he came around to her way of thinking over 10 years ago), that wouldn't be controlling at all? And giving him an ultimatum of "babies or divorce?" when over 10 years ago you convinced him children wouldn't be in your future isn't controlling either? Ffs

One of the least self aware opening posts I've seen.

No one should become a parent through an ultimatum. Poster is attempting to go back on an agreed condition for the marriage and make her partner feel guilty.

Browsing the baby clothes in Tesco? Weird and creepy.

Allgoodusernamesweretaken
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Not projecting anything, I'm reading all of ops posts and seeing someone that has most likely lied or at a minimum exaggerated about how they were informed about possible infertility and how much or little that factored into their choice at 18 to remain childless.
They seem comfortable issuing serious life changing ultimatums to someone they supposedly love and then also gaslighting that someone when they've changed their mind.
They take absolutely no responsibility for their own actions and emotions in their posts, blame everyone else including their partner and seem to prefer being the victim in this situation when it is not the case.

They sound absolutely horrible tbh.
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So you were taking contraception after you were told you were infertile? To prevent having children?
As a doctor I can say that nobody gets told they're infertile unless they've had a battery of invasive tests including a laparoscopy AND have been trying to conceive for years.

However I do think he’s unreasonable to backtrack now by saying he doesn’t want kids
Why are you still trying to spin this as him backtracking; not you? 😵‍💫
I have to say I don't believe for a minute that he regularly browses baby clothes, I think you've made that up for added pathos.