Husband back tracked wanting kids- AIBU to give ultimatum?

[Pink39tree]

When my partner and I started dating I made it very clear to him that I didn’t want children, and that if that was something he wanted it would be easier for us to end the relationship straightaway to avoid future hurt. My partner, understandably was distraught as he had always loved the idea of being a father- he’s the kind of man with a the sweetest heart and all the patience in the world with children that you know would make an amazing father.

To be clear, my reasons for not wanting children was
1)I was young and career driven and it was in my mind that you can’t have both.
2)I thought it was something you had to decide at 18 and if you didn’t want them at 18 you never wanted them
3)The MAIN REASON was that I was being tested at the time and the doctor suspected I could be infertile, so the huge reason for me to not want children was to decide I didn’t want them before being told I can’t have them and the hurt that would bring. We all was agreed that we would never go through the pain of IVF etc.

My partner supported my decision and we prepared to live our life’s as DINKS. Enjoying all our holidays, leisurely weekends etc. For a few years that’s been great.

I got some news from the doctor a few years back that actually I could have children. Since then my mindset has completely changed. I kept this to myself for a while because I didn’t want to mess my (now) husband around and play with his emotions. However when I told him, I thought he would be over the moon but instead he was adamant that he does not want kids (only a few years prior he was heartbroken he won’t be able to have any). He says he loves our life and our happy marriage and wouldn’t want to damage that.

I knew the change was a shock and so I told him we would have a deep and honest chat about this after he has had time to think. Sometimes he gives me hope that children might be an option, by looking at babies and saying “do you think our baby would look like that” but then other times would flip at the suggestion. E.g we renovated our bathroom and I suggested a bathtub incase our future babies want bubble baths, we had a huge argument and the shower was installed.

Do I give him an ultimatum? I adore my husband with all my heart, but will I regret not having children down the line. What if we did have them and then he blames me when he’s sleep deprived and it ruins our marriage. I can’t understand how he’s gone from the one who wanted them to now refusing to even speak about it. He knows very well I changed my mind due to the medical reasons but I feel he’s holding my earlier decision against me

Honestly baffled and heartbroken that so many of you have completely overlooked the fact that I was told I was infertile.

Of course we overlook it...you never said it!! You said you a doctor suspected you might be 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was married to someone who didn't want children, I knew conceiving would be very difficult for me so I was fine with that. Until I wasn't. At least he was adamant about what he wanted, or rather what he didn't want, and never said things like what our future kids would be like. We divorced and I now have a child with my partner. I couldn't deny what I wanted and it wasn't his fault that I changed my mind. He's remarried and has a dog which is what he wanted so it worked out

I am not so concerned that you backtracked on something that you decided when you were 18.
Many women are not keen on the idea of children then and change their mind as they mature, that certainly applied to a lot of my friends.
Wherever you go from here I think that you should not be held back by your past decisions.

Didn't get triggered, but looks like it hit a nerve with you for some weird reason.
They've been together 10+ years. Plus he is still "playing the tune"! It's op's one that change.

Ugh, enough with the judgements people. You don’t make a decision at 18 that you have to stick to for life. If that was the case, I’d be using my GNVQ Business in a Wernham Hogg type office instead of being pretty successful in my chosen career.

I changed my mind, OP. Was resolutely single and childless until I found the love of my life at 33. We had a great social life, great holidays then one day, my partner turned around and said that he wanted kids after
all and, after a period of shock, when I thought about it, I thought I might too. We decided just to wait and see what would happen and (immediately) had our kids when I was 37 and 38 (yes, practically a granny but they seem fine). I admit, I mourn my old
life now and then but also do enjoy being a mum.

You just need to sit and have a good think over whether having kids is definitely something you want to do and if so, whether you can see yourself with someone else doing this if your husband doesn’t want to.

You have a choice and you get to decide what’s good for you.

I do think it’s really unfair that you gave him an ultimatum and he was distraught and made the very hard decision to live a life with no children.
It must have taken a lot to deal with that.

You’ve now had a massive change of heart and expect him to just completely change his mind again.

You need to decide whether you want kids or this man as your husband.

If you choose kids then you need to leave him.

It is not fair to give him a second ultimatum.

@Pink39tree I think the reason your DH is saying he doesn't want kids is some sort of self protection as he most likely still wants to be a Dad like he did previously... sorry if this sounds blunt but he might be worried that if you start TTC it's not going to work and then what? Endless rounds of tests / IVF etc that he / you both don't want to go through with the added stress and cost and at what expense to your marriage? Ask him if this is worrying him

I think intentionally or unintentionally, you're messing with him too much.

Initially he really wanted kids, then you told him it couldn't/wouldn't happen... so over those years he has now tried to convince himself he didn't want them, otherwise he'd end up resenting you for not being able to provide them. You now realise you can have them and are now upset with the most understanding and supportive man EVER because he has grudgingly settled into being happy with not having them.

You NOW are going to approach that same man and say you want them, which is supremely messing with him... AND WORSE, if this fertility doesn't bear fruit, you'll have gotten his hopes up only to have them dashed again!

I know it's not your fault all this has happened, and you're more than justified in wanting to change your mind etc, but can't you see how amazingly unfair this is on him, and I credibly selfish you're being, and omg, the fact you're now giving him an ultimatum??? That's just cruel.

Op, you haven't explained how you spent years thinking you were infertile whilst never getting pregnant, before being told that you can.
Why are you assuming that you can now conceive whenever you want to? Your whole story is distinctly odd.

I think you did the right thing by being clear about your previous feelings at the start of the relationship. But people, i.e. either of you, can change their minds. He might have agreed to no children initially, then realised he couldn’t live without children and may have later left to pursue a relationship where children were on the cards and he would have been entitled to do so, despite initially agreeing.

By the same token, you are allowed to change your mind too. You were honest, but now your opinion has changed and that is allowed. You can’t force your DH into having children, but I don’t actually think it’s unreasonable to say, “I’m sorry, but I will really regret it if I never have children so we need to break up so I can try to make that happen.”

As a further point, it sounds cruel to discuss what your child might look like etc while telling someone you will not have a child with them. I too would be concerned that someone who does this and also “flips” about issues may not be such a great father and might take it out on you when things get tough.

You backtracked. I'm concerned that you're saying he did

I don't think either of you are wrong. Both can change minds at any time. If he really doesn't want kids though, you might have to break up. A lot depends on your age. Different answers depending if you are 30 or 40, for example.

I hate to be harsh OP ( and I've been there and gone down the unsuccessful IVF route) but what happens if you talk him round, he agrees to try for a pregnancy, and you DON'T ever get pregnant...?

Honestly baffled and heartbroken that so many of you have completely overlooked the fact that I was told I was infertile. I was told I couldn’t have children and as such I never made a decision not to have children it was the decision that was made for me.

You were not told you were infertile. The doctor told you he suspected you could be infertile. You were not definitively told you couldn’t ever have children. That was your interpretation of what he said. Your husband made a sacrifice in order to be with you and you’re throwing it back in his face. You do sound immature and quite selfish.

In your early 20s, he put the relationship with you above his desire for children.

Can you do the same, now?

Also, what PP have said: how confident are you in your ability to have children, assuming contraception has not been a major concern up to now?

The OP hasn't made it clear if she has been using any contraception over the past 10 years

How long have you known that you're not actually infertile? How long did you keep it from him?

He accepted you unconditionally when you didn't want children, it would be rather unfair of you to not offer him the same love in return.

I completely agree. If you can’t unconditionally accept him then don’t demand “deep and honest chats” (IME that translates as “I will browbeat you until you agree with me), just be honest that it’s you that’s changed the terms of the relationship and will have to accept your partner’s decision as to whether or not that relationship survives.

As for his comments, the poor man is probably desperately trying to meet your expectations and say what you want to hear. Give him a fucking break.

And what happens if you leave him?

There's no guarantee that you'll either meet someone else or be able to have children with them.

To be fair op if you've assumed you're infertile all these years and so not used contraception, then you probably are (not being cruel, I'm infertile and have no kids due to that).

If you have been using contraception then you clearly did think there was a chance you could get pregnant. You are expecting DH to change his mind because you have.

Neither of you are being unreasonable but if you want kids you need to end the relationship and find someone who wants them too.

Whether you were infertile or not you said you didn't want children and wanted a career?

OP there are so many points and questions on here that you're not responding to/answering.

Ultimately, you can't play with people this way.

How many years have you been having unprotected sex with him without getting pregnant?

How old are you now?

Before you issue any more ultimatums you should think about how likely a viable pregnancy is at this point.

Also did you not ask for any tests to see if you were fertile?

How insensitive and just cruel. I spent years thinking I was infertile because I was told by a medical professional that I I’ve been diagnosed with condition which one of the effects would mean I would be infertile. Did the doctor 100% confirm I would never have a child, no they never can. But did he make it very clear to me that based on my condition and many other women who suffer with this it would be extremely unlikely I could conceive- yes.

No woman deserves to be delivered the news that she’s infertile, it’s heartbreaking and makes you feel like a broken women. That how I felt for years, I didn’t one day have a tummy ache and think “oh I might be infertile” I was diagnosed with it.

Ive had countless doctors appointments, hospital visits and 2 surgery’s one when I was 25 and one when I was 27 to try and correct my health issues. Neither surgery was aimed at correcting my fertility, but was to help with other side effects. Additionally neither surgery was guarantee to become fertile or the aim of the surgery, before any of you jump on the wagon “why didnt you get the surgery at 18 and avoid this mess”. My doctor made it very clear that I was one of the lucky ones that the following the surgery there is no reason why I wouldn’t have the same fertility chances as someone else, I know many women who have had the same surgery to help ease other side effects and while successful with them didn’t solve their fertility.

in terms of contraception i went on the pill from the age of 16 when I was still in sixth form, and so when I was with my partner I was already on contraception. Despite the news I decided to stay on the pill because for me it helped ease period pains and was just good to know when my periods are. I think I came off it maybe a year or so after getting married. We had unprotected sex until my second surgery in which the doctor then suggested I went back on contraception as they believe me to be fertile.

some have made some really good points, whilst the surgery has corrected the issue I very m I could still be infertile and that definitely could be a huge reason why my partner seems so afraid to start thinking about the idea again, incase it still isn’t possible for us. I never really thought of that.

finally, please be careful what things you saying about infertility. You don’t know who’s reading it and what they are going through.