Friends husband suddenly died

[TheStandardLife]

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad.

What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also.

I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it?

I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals.

What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help.

😪

Offer to accompany her to register the death. Two friends came with me when my first DH died and it meant so much to me not to have to go alone. She might not want this, but it is worth offering. Maybe phrase it as an offer to help with any paperwork or logistics.

Another friend just used to text me '❤' every day or two, to let me know she was thinking of me without any pressure to reply, or I would just reply back with a heart too. I found that helpful.

Meals.

When we had an unexpected death in the family people brought proper meals, ready to heat up. It was so kind as it meant we didn't have to cook, and could eat, even though we didn't feel like eating.

We were brought casseroles, pies, lasagnes.

Also, rather than 'let me know what I can do' which is kind but hard to do as you don't often know what you want, try something practical like 'I'm going to Tescos later, I'll pick you up some bits, let me know if you need anything specific' or 'I'll come round to walk to dog later. Join me if you want but I'm happy to take him out and give you some peace'.

Drop in and make tea. Talk about him if she wants to.

Remember also that fried doesn't stop at the funeral. This is often the hardest bit, it was for us, everyone carries on but your world has still collapsed.

I'm sorry for your friend. You sound very kind

Meals are a good idea. Making a cake too, as bereaved people often have various people calling in - relatives, friends, the vicar if they need to arrange a church funeral. Having cake to offer is helpful. Also a bag of basic groceries, milk, coffee etc.
The time before a funeral can be hectic, but a few months on can be a really difficult time for bereaved people, as friends can “move on” at the time when the loss is very hard to cope with. So doing things in a month or two, keeping up some help over the first year, that is a really kind thing.

Oh dear

please don't be offended, your hamper sounds a bit odd, like something you give someone if they've had a breakup rather than a bereavement. When did the bereavement happen?

Agree with pp re food.

I wouldn’t give them too much physical stuff.

It’s a really lovely gesture, but a hamper of stuff won’t make them feel any better sadly. It probably won’t even be touched.

All you can do is let them know you are there for them. Be an open ear. A shoulder to cry on.

Offer help and support with funeral arrangements. Make phone calls, appointments on their behalf if they aren’t feeling up to it. Or offer to help with the closing down of bank accounts, phone contracts etc.

Offer to do some housework, or a little food shop.

Everyone responds to grief differently. There is a whirlwind of ever changing emotions that come with it.

When my dad died suddenly in 2021 so many people brought food we had to bin some of it as there wasn't the space in fridges or freezers. A neighbour who had a recent bereavement herself gave us a Just Eat voucher which meant we could order a variety of takeaways. Went down a treat.

I know you mean well but a pair of fluffy socks is not going to help her at such a traumatic time. Just bring food and offer to help in any way you can.

Lovely gestures and I’m sure the meals will be appreciated. When my H died (and I had a 2yr old) I had an amazing friend who visited and did a grocery shop and spent an afternoon batch cooking in my kitchen and stocking up the freezer while I slept - I was exhausted with the shock. Total angel!

What’s helpful for one might not be for another so just be present, offer help and let them know it’s okay to ask you. The most helpful thing I found was friends who were okay with letting me feel angry/depressed/whatever but who were still willing to spend time with me. The friends that dropped away were the ones who couldn’t cope with my feelings and were constantly harassing me to get out of the house and get over it. Grief can take a lot of time and isn’t always a pretty process, so just let it play out and accept you might not always be wanted but your friendship can still stand and be picked up when they’re able to.

So sorry to hear about your friend.
I agree about the hamper. I think the ready meals are a really good idea though.
I think when you're in a crisis the last thing you want is to have stuff you have to do stuff with. Like a hamper (where to put everything?), like when you have a newborn people send things with all this packaging (how can I keep track of what everyone has given? How can I take out all this cardboard when I don't know how to use a sling yet?), like when people bring flowers when you are in the middle of cooking and you have to find a vase (trivial comparison, but it's all about trying to make the gift recipient's life as easy as possible).

When someone close to me died, what upset me was as some people I thought were friends, went AWOL on me. One phoned me a year later saying they didn’t know what to say at the time. I told her to do one.

The best thing you can do is to stay in touch, blogger to be there and help out if needed. Be a friend. Write them a card saying how sorry you are, and that you want to help.

Meals, definitely. I think the hamper sounds nice. She might not have the energy to touch it for a while but so what.

When my friend's husband died suddenly I arranged the funeral tea. She gave me her criteria and I sorted the rest. So you could ask her (depending on how close you are) if there are any big admin jobs you could take off her hands. Luckily that friend was amazing at receiving help and delegating out to our friend group. That reminds me we also set up a WhatsApp group for her close friends to make sure she had meals, cleaning etc covered for the first couple of months.

Btw someone said about sticking around during the first year - so true, but also it’s the second year as a widow that’s often the hardest as that’s when all the activity settles down and the loneliness/reality really begins to hit.

As someone who was widowed with young children, I'd be shocked by the hamper, it seems trivial. I'd go round asap with a nice box of biscuits and see what she needs. If needed get a takeaway while there. Stop shopping and get to see her.

I think a self-care hamper is a lovely idea, OP. I would maybe include a nice candle, some calming pillow spray, a journal, herbal tea and some chocolate.
It will be there for her when she is ready, and you seem like a lovely friend

Socks and chocolate seems a bit insulting tbh. More like what a student might give her friend who's split up with her boyfriend.

Cooked meal, or takeaway voucher, maybe. Offer to do some shopping for her. Offer to clean her house/bathroom/kitchen (I did this for a few weeks for my friend when her partner died suddenly and she was frozen in grief).

I agree with PP; after a death, especially unexpected, you have no room for gifts like this, even though well-meant.

You're barely eating / sleeping & it's a surreal world you've entered.

Turning up, asking about what happened, bringing something easy to eat eg some buns / cake is helpful. (Especially in Ireland where people coming to the house is very normal & it helps to have stuff to give them.

I'm not a big fan of meals unless you really know they are needed. I don't like other people's food, to be honest.

I agree also with the point of keeping being there. I know funerals in England take longer (compared to 3 days after death in Ireland when it's over) so please keep texting, being available. Anything practical is really helpful eg if anyone needs clothes for the funeral, cleaning up, dealing with phone calls and all that.

Organising a funeral is very hard work. There's loads you could do to help with this.

• Offer to accompany her to the funeral directors. Some are relaly horrible and try and manipulate you into overspending by implying that if you love someone you want 'the best' for them. Make sure she isn;t pushed into anything that she seems uncertain about.
• Help her choose songs and poems. Chat about what music he loved that is meaningful. Look up poems and readings on the internet.
• Maybe be the one to go to Happy Snaps and blow up some favourite photos of him to poster size for the wake.
• Look up venues for the wake or organise who will bring what food if it is at her house.
• Take his old address book and track down old friends who need to be told.
• Do a deep clean of the house beforehand and stay to tidy up afterwards.

And on and on.

Continue to be her friend.
Don't push yourself on her especially if she has adult children to share her grief.
Keep in touch.
Offer help.
Remember to include her even if at first she seems reluctant. One of our friends was a bit worried about coming out with us as a group as she always used to come with her husband. It took some time to convince her she was welcome on her own as opposed to being her husbands partner.

So sorry for your loss but I think the hamper is very thoughtful and personal, more so than flowers anyway.
I think it goes without saying that the OP will also be there for her friend.

Sorry but while you mean well I think the hamper is something you’d give a teenager after a break up. I don’t think a pocket hug will help, an actual hug might.

That's even worse than what OP suggested. It's just so crass. It's not about it being there when it's needed - get it for her then.

Right now, she just needs to know she has support. Honestly - pillow spray & a journal? It's well-meant of course but really inappropriate.

I know you feel you have to DO something but honestly, take your cues from her. Ask her what you can do, don’t overwhelm her by assuming what she needs.

That's also a good point as ever

Yes.