Page 9 | Friends husband suddenly died

TheStandardLife · 2023-02-16T13:39:21+00:00

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad. What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also. I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it? I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals. What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help. 😪

thisisasurvivor · 16/02/2023 20:48

RadioactiveWear · 16/02/2023 13:49

When someone close to me died, what upset me was as some people I thought were friends, went AWOL on me. One phoned me a year later saying they didn’t know what to say at the time. I told her to do one.

The best thing you can do is to stay in touch, blogger to be there and help out if needed. Be a friend. Write them a card saying how sorry you are, and that you want to help.

I had a recent bereavement too and some people are amazing

Some people just take the total piss

Like people who live beside my house who didn't even say one word to me

Op I think your suggestion is lovely

And maybe won't be used right away but will def be fondly appreciated at some point soon xxxxxxx

ItWillWash · 16/02/2023 21:37

neighbours saying “I am taking the dog out. Would you like me to take your two as well”. This is better than “can I help with the dogs”

I agree. I told me people who asked me to let them know if I needed anything that I was fine. The friends and relatives who did help were the ones who said "I'm at the shop, what do you need?" "I want to go for a walk, am I allowed to take your dog to keep me company?"

And the best ever message was sent to me by a relatively new friend who sent...
"If you do not answer me in the next 30 seconds I'm coming around with vodka. Oops, too late, it took more than 30 seconds to type this. See you soon, get the glasses ready or not..."

None of my friends had heard from me for over a week and I hadn't posted anything on social media. I hated her when she sent the message. My house was a mess, I was a mess, I couldn't remember the last time I showered and I did not want to talk to anyone but a few vodkas in, and to this day still I loved her for it.

We listened to music, cleaned the kitchen, laughed and cried, and drank until the sun came up. I felt almost human again by the time she left.

Some people would hate that but I needed it. As others have said, only you know your friend OP. Everyone grieves differently.

Bigpinktrain · 16/02/2023 21:46

ItWillWash · 16/02/2023 21:37

neighbours saying “I am taking the dog out. Would you like me to take your two as well”. This is better than “can I help with the dogs”

I agree. I told me people who asked me to let them know if I needed anything that I was fine. The friends and relatives who did help were the ones who said "I'm at the shop, what do you need?" "I want to go for a walk, am I allowed to take your dog to keep me company?"

And the best ever message was sent to me by a relatively new friend who sent...
"If you do not answer me in the next 30 seconds I'm coming around with vodka. Oops, too late, it took more than 30 seconds to type this. See you soon, get the glasses ready or not..."

None of my friends had heard from me for over a week and I hadn't posted anything on social media. I hated her when she sent the message. My house was a mess, I was a mess, I couldn't remember the last time I showered and I did not want to talk to anyone but a few vodkas in, and to this day still I loved her for it.

We listened to music, cleaned the kitchen, laughed and cried, and drank until the sun came up. I felt almost human again by the time she left.

Some people would hate that but I needed it. As others have said, only you know your friend OP. Everyone grieves differently.

Friends like that are magical

Britinme · 16/02/2023 21:57

I agree that everyone grieves differently. I remarried 18 months after my first husband died almost thirty years into our marriage (and another six before it). I love my second husband, to whom I have now been married for twenty years, but I needed a therapist to help me through still grieving for one man while happily in love with another

yesnoyes51 · 17/02/2023 08:55

ItWillWash · 16/02/2023 21:37

neighbours saying “I am taking the dog out. Would you like me to take your two as well”. This is better than “can I help with the dogs”

I agree. I told me people who asked me to let them know if I needed anything that I was fine. The friends and relatives who did help were the ones who said "I'm at the shop, what do you need?" "I want to go for a walk, am I allowed to take your dog to keep me company?"

And the best ever message was sent to me by a relatively new friend who sent...
"If you do not answer me in the next 30 seconds I'm coming around with vodka. Oops, too late, it took more than 30 seconds to type this. See you soon, get the glasses ready or not..."

None of my friends had heard from me for over a week and I hadn't posted anything on social media. I hated her when she sent the message. My house was a mess, I was a mess, I couldn't remember the last time I showered and I did not want to talk to anyone but a few vodkas in, and to this day still I loved her for it.

We listened to music, cleaned the kitchen, laughed and cried, and drank until the sun came up. I felt almost human again by the time she left.

Some people would hate that but I needed it. As others have said, only you know your friend OP. Everyone grieves differently.

This x a million…the friends that just unconditionally were there … being with me … the world becomes a scary, surreal place when something like this happens and it was the intent behind the actions that held me together in the first few months x

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 17/02/2023 09:31

I wouldn't like the hamper either. I think it's an odd thing to do.
I'd like a message asking if there was anything I needed.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 18/02/2023 17:41

Everybody has different experiences when you are bereaved
When the closest person to you dies and you're left in shock and unable to function except in autopilot if that kicks in

So
I just want to repeat what I said earlier . It doesn't matter what OP brings round , fluffy sock hamper or no hamper, what matters is that OP is caring enough to be there for her friend. To offer help and ask what might help

People have different ways of showing love, some turn up with 'stuff' - I never ever was offended by that 'stuff' as the sentiment was there of "I care" and the saying "look I don't know what to do to help but tell me what you need"

As someone who went through a terrible loss , I really appreciated that. I appreciated the friends that were clumsy, the friends that tried, the friends that simply cared enough to try. And kept trying.

So to the PPs saying "oh no that's crass" I think you're wrong. I think the fact op cares enough to do something is far better than all the friends and other people that step away and do nothing or ghost you when you become a barely there ghost yourself.

Original poster

TheStandardLife · 18/02/2023 21:13

I'd just like to say that I took food over today, of course she doesn't want to eat a thing and can't sleep.

I'll save the socks for another time, although she did need them for sure!

She's just like me always cold and loves anything huge and fluffy. We even laughed about her hat she had today to keep warm.

She adored the pocket heart and I wrote a note to say that it was my love and hugs with her.

We talked, we cried we even went shopping. We spoke about some admin and I've arranged for when I can come and help her with some of it.

Thanks for all of your advice and input some of it so so important for me to help her.

I love her so much, I am so broken to see her in this pain. I will be there for her like she has been there for me in the past.

OP posts:

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/02/2023 21:58

You seem like a very kind person. 🌷

Ohifyouinsist · 18/02/2023 22:02

What a lovely friend. And well done for going round to see her, that must have been difficult to do. She clearly appreciated everything you're doing for her.

I'm sorry, my previous post was a bit harsh and I apologise for that.

billy1966 · 18/02/2023 22:46

What a lovely friend you are.

One of my dear friends lost a close family member suddenly and she suddenly started to feel the cold terribly last November.

I bought her a sherpa heated electric throw which has become her total comfort blanket which moves from room to room with her.

They are inexpensive to run too.

The shock will take a long time to sink in and believe.

Very hard.

weirdoboelady · 18/02/2023 23:19

I'd still recommend an Oodie type thing - it's like leaving a hug behind you. A friend has just bought one online (my recommendation) and her mum (96 yrs) has kidnapped it but she said she did love it. She got hers online www.onlinehomeshop.com/sienna-extra-long-sherpa-hoodie-blanket-charcoal - there are loads available but this does seem one of the cheapest.

billy1966 · 19/02/2023 01:10

@weirdoboelady excellent suggestion and price!