Friends husband suddenly died

[TheStandardLife]

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad.

What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also.

I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it?

I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals.

What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help.

😪

I posted before I read your update, OP.

If you're able to explain why you've brought socks. Like when you see her to say I've put some socks in there because I know you'll be cold and you should try and keep warm if you can I think that makes it a little better. Because there's some context.

I still don't think chocolates are a great idea. Like others have said, more like something you'd get a heartbroken teenager.

I have no idea what a pocket hug is but it sounds gimmicky. Sorry.

When my dad died, my mum's mantra was very much "How does that help?" She was very angry and pushed a lot of people away but I largely agree/d with her.

Rather than a hamper give her practical help.

Just eat voucher or similar.

Supermarket voucher or do some physical shopping. Perhaps arrange for milk to be delivered.

Make her tea/coffee and physically be there even if she doesn't want to talk or can't talk.

So practical stuff like washing/ ironing and cleaning.

When my mum died my aunties cleaned the whole house for dad whilst she was passing away in a hospice. When he came home he had fresh bedding, food in the freezer and fridge etc. no housework to do.

They watered the plants and garden etc.

They'd been in and smoothies the bins and put fresh bin bags in.

It meant we could all focus on other things that didn't involve the daily mundane. We found some people make the mistake of thinking "everyday things" were a distraction but they feel more a chore than usual and you do them as you feel an a sense of anything else to do but actually not having to do stuff was nice.

And I'm not against the hamper. My closest friends all clubbed together and brought me some lovely stuff in a box. I didn't rifle through it for days and didn't use any of it for weeks. But actually once I'd got through it all and the funeral having that there reminded me of all the people that care.

I have no idea what a pocket hug is but it sounds gimmicky. Sorry.

I’ve just googled it and yes, it’s incredibly gimmicky. The kind of thing everyone just shoves at the bottom of a bag or in a drawer because they feel bad chucking it, until they do just chuck it.

But in general I think it’s lovely the OP is trying to think of things.

I was given a care hamper by a friend after a sudden and unexpected death and I loved it. I was on autopilot for the kids and barely thought about myself.
Agree the meals, and the targeted help (PP 'I'm walking the dog, popping to Tesco etc).
And yes, be there in the lonely months after the funeral. You sound like a lovely caring friend.

@LittlePrecious
If you're able to explain why you've brought socks. Like when you see her to say I've put some socks in there because I know you'll be cold and you should try and keep warm if you can I think that makes it a little better. Because there's some context.

Absolutely this, it makes the socks a lovely gift but within a hamper just feels like something you grabbed at Clintons.

When you say she obviously wants space, did you offer to go round and she said no? Perhaps she didn't want to put you out. Most likely she didn't know what to think.

If you were the second person she called, I'd be straight round there with some food. If she tells you to go away, she doesn't hate you, she's grieving. If you can gently get inside, put the kettle on and encourage her to eat then do so. Keep a low profile, keep out of the way, but stay if you can so that you are there when she needs a hug.

For some reason everyone seems to assume the bereaved are busy or need to be alone or just don't want to be a bother and actually perhaps the most important thing is just a listening ear.

When my husband died my friend came over one day and just listened to me cry. She brought all the food for lunch and made it for me so I'd eat. She picked my kids up from school then went shopping for dinner, stayed and cooked for us and offered to stay for the evening.

I'd never have accepted if she'd asked if I wanted her to come and do that but I didn't realise how much I needed that and I really appreciated it.

Importantly being there for the first year absolutely! It's only been 4 months for me but the messages from some friends that acknowledge I might be finding Christmas, new year, valentine's day difficult, mean a lot.

Ask if you can help - ask if she wants you to do some washing or get some ready meals in. Ask her.

Also, send her a lovely card, not necessarily a bereavement card, just one with a simple message about how you are thinking of her and the family and what a lovely person he was. She might not appreciate it much at the moment, but later on, reading cards and kind messages may mean a lot on days when she can’t face meeting people or talking.

A hamper sounds lovely, you sound like a wonderful friend and that it's not in lieu to offering practical and emotional support which is good. You know your friend best.

www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

This link will be useful once she has the death registration details. Maybe offer to go with her to register the death, it's a horrible thing to do especially when happy people are there to register their newborns.

Big tip - make sure she gets min 6 copies of the death certificate - easy at the time, a chore afterwards. The world and his dog want an original even after you've notified the big things - tax, pension, blue badge, council tax etc - via Tell Us Once.

When DH was rushed to hospital and I wasn't allowed to see him, a friend brought me a teddy fleece jacket and some fluffy socks, no packaging and with the tags cut off ready to wear. They were a godsend, I felt very cold all the time just chilled even though the heating was on but I didn't want to go to bed or even go into our bedroom as his stuff was there looking at me. She also made me a thermos of tea and left it with a packet of shortbread, and I lived on that for the 36 hours it took for the hospital to call and update me.

So I think the fluffy socks are a lovely idea, maybe with a little fleece throw or jacket as well, literall wrap her in warmth when your not there.

Offer to go with her anywhere she needs to go. It's small things like not having to drive or think about parking that can help.

If youre taking food take things like as people have said, ready meals. Odd as it might sound one of the best food things we got when my Dad died was a box with finger/party. None of us could face food & there was a steady stream of visitors. It was good just picking at things when we were in the kitchen making coffee or drinks. Oh & biscuits and cake

The main thing is to be there for her. Life will be hectic just now but what really matters is after the funeral, when everyone has gone back to their own lives & she has to live a new 'normal' Thats when, as a friend, you'll be worth your weight in gold

How mean spirited of you. The OP is trying to do something nice and you’re taking the mickey. Offended? I suspect the OP could be quite hurt by your unkind words. Nasty response, trying to make them feel bad.

When my DD died I had people turned up with a casserole, soup and bread, a bottle of wine - which we drank together whilst talking about DD, and lots of flowers - so many flowers in fact that I had to borrow a couple of vases from bottle of wine friend. We were grateful for all of it.

If you are a close friend and she doesn't have any family near by then i think offering to accompany to registrars or funeral directors might be helpful.

Death comes with a lot of admin. One of the worst things I remember about my mum and bother dying young was the endless awful phone calls to various companies and government departments. Would she be keen for help with that?

Or helping with practical stuff? washing, cooking ,cleaning etc..

She may need someone jsut to help her map out what needs to happen next both immediate admin and changed life plans. We helped my SIL work that out day by day when her husband died suddenly.

Sticking around for the long term after the flowers and the funeral may be welcome - often a few weeks after the shock people understandably go back to their own lives and it can suddenly feel very lonely and overwhelming.

I think a take on the hamper could be lovely in a few months time - a few little tokens to say "I love you and I haven't forgotten you're going through hell". It's too soon now.

My dad died during lockdown, a few weeks later I got my mum some posh shampoo she'd never buy for herself since she couldn't get to the hairdresser. A neighbour dropped off a little flower arrangement a few months in to say she was thinking of mum, another dropped off a few gossip magazines the odd time - not mum's thing at all but she was hugely touched that they'd thought of her.

I second offering to go to the undertakers with her. And drive her, if possible. Not because she will get bamboozled, but because it can be unexpectedly harrowing. When you suddenly have to sign a form giving permission for the love of your life to be cremated, say.... She would struggle finding her way home on public transport after that.

My funeral 'skill' if you can call it that, is talking shite to the annoying people. When DH's family had a bereavement they knew if they were getting sick of conversing with an irritating neighbour, they were to call me over to say hello, I'd take over and talk shite to the person, allowing my IL to excuse themselves and slip away gratefully.

There is nothing mean spirited about that comment. Nor is it unkind or taking the mickey or the least bit nasty.

To be honest I would forget the hamper at the moment. The fluffy socks while well meaning along with the chocolate and the pocket hug screams of a gift for a teen who has being broken up with. Maybe in a few weeks when the funeral is over and things are not so raw.

Food is a good idea even if you think she is not going to eat. Tea, coffee, milk, sugar, biscuits for callers. Maybe some bread and bits for sandwiches etc. Help with the admin may be welcomed. Offer to go to Undertakers or arrange flowers Has she a freezer. Maybe make some soup and portion in to small individual portion.

I think there’s a difference between chocolates and a bar of chocolate as well, which is why the former seems inappropriate and latter completely fine, at least to me.

Just be there. I didn’t want hampers and I barely ate for three weeks but friends coming to visit ( one drove a good 3 hours each way) meant so much.
Offer to help with registration, paperwork, notifying people of funeral but don’t organise your friend, if you see what I mean.
And the worst time is often after the funeral,
people tend to tail off so be there for coffee or just to sit with her if she’s not up to taking. The shock from a sudden loss is horrendous so keep an eye on her well being. And she’ll be very glad she has a friend like you.

No hamper OP. Just be there if she needs you.

It might also be helpful tp look at some local undertaker websites. They often have a guide to what admin needs to be done for a sudden death. Even something as simple of looking up phone numbers and directions to places that she will need to contact or go to could be helpful.

Socks?

You go around and give her a hug and listen.