Friends husband suddenly died

[TheStandardLife]

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad.

What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also.

I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it?

I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals.

What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help.

😪

• as everyone is different that should say.

@EarringsandLipstick

We'll agree to differ then. A thoughtful gift would mean more to me than meals I probably wouldn't eat, or offers to clean my house.
It's a very personal thing and there's no need to insult other people's suggestions ... which is actually more in line with what the OP had in mind.

I agree that the hamper is a bad idea, although coming from a place of friendship. I know you mean well, OP.

Her world has been blown apart. Fluffy socks and chocolate and a scented candle are “Sorry you have flu,” not “sorry you have become a widow and lost your life partner.” Food, a ear to listen and offering practical help like taking her to register the death are far more appropriate and supportive.

There are multiple posters on this thread who have actually been widowed who are saying loud and clear that this would be an extremely crass, insensitive and insulting thing to bring round.

If I were the OP, I would listen to them.

Also struggling to see how a journal is in any way a 'thoughtful' gift for someone whose spouse has just died suddenly?

Have you been in the situation JMSA?

I haven't lost a spouse but have other bereavements, varying in difficulty.

It really is the case that for anyone I know, especially in the case of a sudden death, that such a gift is unhelpful at best. The presence of others and practical help meant a lot more - someone looking after my kids, and people asking ably what happened, so I could process it.

I'm not trying to insult you but that gift just screams of the giver doing it for something to make them feel better, not the bereaved person.

I agree the idea of a hamper is very thoughtful and the OP sounds like a very caring friend, BUT, a hamper full of stuff won’t help.

Materialistic items, as thoughtful and personal as they are, will not help a grieving woman navigate the next coming months. In the slightest.

This woman has a funeral to arrange. Bank accounts to close. Phone contracts to close. Car insurance to cancel. A house to clean. Children to support.

A hamper will not help with all that.

In the most polite way, and you do sound like a lovely friend, I doubt fluffy socks and chocolate are what your friend needs after losing her husband. It may just be me but I’d feel a bit insulted, Im not sure I would give a shit about socks if I was going through such a horrific time. If you’re quite close I’d maybe ask if she needed help with practice aspects of dealing with a death, help with final arrangements or as others have said housework or going with her to register the death.

My friend stopped eating all together when her DH died suddenly. I took around a big bowl of fruit and biscuits around so she could nibble on something even if she didn't feel like a meal.
I agree with pp, just being there will mean so much.

I don't think the hamper is a bad idea.

Offering to accompany her to register his death, and sorting out paperwork or the organisation of a funeral, to phoning/emailing people to invite them, too. She'll probably be overwhelmed by it all, and it's good to have someone supportive to bounce ideas off. Be both proactive and reactive to her needs.

Remember also that fried doesn't stop at the funeral. This is often the hardest bit, it was for us, everyone carries on but your world has still collapsed.

This is really important. And don't forget to ask her how are you? And listen, as she'll need that.

All that being said, the fact that you are there & continue to be will matter most, regardless of the gift.

It really is the ongoing contact, the availability that means most - because then you can actually ask for help, if they keep showing up (figuratively I don't mean being in their house daily).

Make yourself available to her, as much as you can. Listen to her, make her cuppas, wipe her tears, give her hugs. Ring her, often, see if she needs any shopping, stuff like that.

My DP died suddenly just over 2 years ago. I was in shock for the first couple of weeks, and couldn't have people in the house because of Covid restrictions. I was totally alone most of the time, but the only thing that gave me any relief was when friends came to the house. I would sit on the doorstep and cry while they tried to comfort me from several feet away. The neighbours must have got sick of hearing me snivelling.

After 3 days, my SIL rang me, said BIL was coming to get me and told me to pack a bag. We formed a "bubble", I stayed with them for a week or so, and again for a few days after the funeral, and again for Christmas/New Year.

I don't think I ever would have got through that couple of months without them.

Also the admin: not just the registration, funeral arrangements, etc, but things like bank accounts, pensions, life insurance, will, cars in his own name, and so on. That is monstrous. It's been 2 years and 3 months and I still haven't managed to winkle out of DVLA wtf I do with 4 ancient motorbikes cluttering up the garage that I haven't got any paperwork for!

And don't forget to ask her how are you? And listen, as she'll need that.

Exactly, such a good point. Not everyone wants to, but many people want to talk about the person or what happened, as a way of pe

Grr! The app today!

... way of processing what has happened

I know my friends would be there with wine, tissues a lot of food and the willingness to listen and pitch in with whatever I needed. Just be there for her and help her with the really hard things.

@LakieLady

I'm so sorry. That must have been devastating, and so brutal during Covid 💔

When I was widowed at 39, I lost most of my friends overnight because they didn’t feel comfortable talking to me, they didn’t know what to say and my grief scared them a bit (I’ve since found out).

ask open questions like “how are you coping today” - it’s easier to answer based on the day in question, not specifying that you are asking about the current time can be overwhelming to answer. Ask your friend if she wants you to break the news more widely - i felt like I was losing him all over again every time I had to respond to a simple “How’s Mr Milliways doing?” with “actually he died”

Remember everyone grieves differently and can want different things from friends, so be prepared that she may react differently to how you expect.

Finally I would have hated a hamper, I wasn’t sick, I was widowed and I haven’t even looked at the condolence cards since I opened them, I would have put a hamper away and then not felt able to open it. It’s a lovely kind gesture but it may be inappropriate. To be honest the most lovely thing someone did for me was order a bottle of nice gin on Amazon and send it to me.

I dont think food/hampers/journals are a good idea. I think being there and telling her anything at all she needs please say and you'll be there for her. Being there, helping with paperwork, registering things, banks. Thats all helpful, if she wants the help.

I wouldn’t turn up.
Lots of people want space and to just be around family at this time.

My friend has just lost her husband and dad in a short space of time and she told me she needs space and doesn’t want to see anyone which I completely get and would probably feel the same.

Offer your support and help and tell her you’re going shopping and if there’s anything she needs.

Tell her you’re more than happy to leave it on the doorstep and arrange a proper visit another time.

If she’d like you to come for a cup of tea then you can take a couple meals and things like milk, toilet roll, bread etc as shopping is probably the last thing she can deal with right now.

When did grief become commercialised? Just be a decent friend who is physically present when she needs you to be and like others have said offer your time and presence

Do not send a hamper for goodness sake. Fluffy socks? What use is that really? Other than to make yourself feel like you've done something good. It's self indulgent

Just be there

Everyone is different. One friend wanted to talk to everybody about her husband and was happy for som to be on lots of playdates to keep him busy.
She loved any sleep aids like sprays as she found it difficult to sleep.

No to the hamper, but meals are a great idea. When I had a berevement, I found it hard going grocery shopping and forgot to eat most days. She's not going to want socks or a pocket hug. Meals and offering to pop round is a great idea.

To be honest I wouldn't be giving her any physical gifts as such.

Maybe some flowers/card but all she needs now is for you (her friend) to support her emotionally as best as you can.

All this food, socks, hampers etc is not necessary in my opinion.

Your poor friend. How nice of you to want to be there for her, OP.

As others have stated, take your cue from your friend. Ask her to be blunt about what she needs and be there for her over time as much as you can. That is probably far more useful to her than a hamper of items now (but it's very sweet of you to want to put together a care package).

It's definitely the case that people can disappear during a bereavement as they don't know how to handle it. It's great that you are willing to be there for her.

In the nicest possible way unless you're a very close friend then keep it to a friendly thinking of you email and follow up with another one a few days later and then maybe every couple of weeks. In such a situation you don't have the head for many people and I wanted to keep it to the smallest number of people possible. Unless you're generally very close then you're not the person to offer practical support, that's where the closest friends come in. Sending a just eat voucher or similar is lovely, I adored flowers but found people bringing round meals and food gifts apart from cakes and biscuits quite annoying as it often wasn't something I wanted or would have eaten (and sometimes they weren't very good cooks so it got thrown away). Send a text or card with your love and maybe follow it up in a week and then a couple of weeks after that but don't overstep boundaries because you feel you should do something, you can't really and your friend needs to really dictate how much she can deal with.

I recommend a book by Caroline Voaden, If there’s anything I can do…..how to help someone who has been bereaved. Potage has vouchers or you can buy gift parcels of food. Although well meaning, I wouldn’t buy socks or chocolate, it’s not Christmas or recovering from the flu. There are times in life when a proper letter is required and this is one of them.