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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends husband suddenly died

213 replies

TheStandardLife · 16/02/2023 13:39

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad.

What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also.

I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it?

I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals.

What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help.

😪

OP posts:
ItsRainingCatsAndDogsAgain · 16/02/2023 17:27

I know she has her heating off, and she's always freezing cold.

A heated throw/blanket? They are very good for a chair, sofa or bed in a cold house and comforting.

Fcuk38 · 16/02/2023 17:37

Get rid if the gifts honestly how are they meant to help that is more about you feeling the need to do something. You can’t actually other than feeding her and the family do
anything that will actually help if the bereavement is recent. You just need to be h there and be in contact with her and if you are going to do that you need to commit to doing that still 6 months, 1 year and 5 years on. Yep I’m a widow 5 years out, where not one friend stuck around.

NeedToChangeName · 16/02/2023 17:59

This thread illustrates how different people are. I think you have to be led by your friend. And be aware that her needs may not be what you expected

I used to send a text to my friend on the anniversary of her DSIS's death. I thought it was kind to acknowledge it. Turned out she hated that reminder, as she just wanted to put her head down and ignore / avoid the anniversary

But, a common theme on this thread is how many people drift away after the first month or two, when they go back to normal life, and it's really important to still be present

JMSA · 16/02/2023 18:03

LittlePrecious · 16/02/2023 14:57

I haven't lost a spouse so not speaking from personal experience. But my dad died suddenly when I was 13 and I watched my mum deal with it.
My mum was sad of course but also angry. Really angry. Really really angry.

One of her friends brought around a self-care hamper for us both like you're suggesting. It didn't go down well at all. My mum threw the box and all its contents out of the front door telling her friend that it was just a vanity project to make her (the friend) feel better.

They haven't spoken since and my mum still sticks by her interpretation.

Shock
peachgreen · 16/02/2023 18:48

Gosh. I’m quite surprised by some of the vehemence on this thread.

For the record, when my DH died I was grateful for anything people did for me. It was all meant with love and that was what mattered.

There were practical things that were particularly helpful though. I had a friend who came round and do things like taking the bins out, doing the school run, running the hoover around, changing my bed. And I had a friend who popped round regularly with a takeaway coffee and said “do you want a chat or do you want me to just drop and run?” and made it very clear she didn’t mind what I said.

The only thing I didn’t personally like was flowers. Loads of work. But I never said anything because the thought was what mattered.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 18:51

Weatherwax13 · 16/02/2023 16:43

@Herja I really identify with this. I haven't lost a partner but when my young adult son died my rage was incandescent just as you describe. A gift hamper would not have been a wise move

I am so sorry for your loss

MilliwaysUniverse · 16/02/2023 18:57

You don’t need to have been married to receive Bereavement Support Payment - the law changed last week and you can claim it if you cohabited. They are offering retrospective payments going back as far as 2001.

surreygirl1987 · 16/02/2023 19:02

Don't do the hamper. Meals are a great idea.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/02/2023 19:08

ItsaMetalBand · 16/02/2023 15:22

My funeral 'skill' if you can call it that, is talking shite to the annoying people. When DH's family had a bereavement they knew if they were getting sick of conversing with an irritating neighbour, they were to call me over to say hello, I'd take over and talk shite to the person, allowing my IL to excuse themselves and slip away gratefully.

That made me smile, but in a good way. What a considerate thing to do.

musicalgymball · 16/02/2023 19:17

I'd find chocolates and fluffy socks extremely trivialising and therefore offensive.

If you want to get a physical gift, in addition to being there for her and supportive, then something small that would help me think about the loss, like a little book of poems about loss would be more helpful.

Pirateships · 16/02/2023 19:21

musicalgymball · 16/02/2023 19:17

I'd find chocolates and fluffy socks extremely trivialising and therefore offensive.

If you want to get a physical gift, in addition to being there for her and supportive, then something small that would help me think about the loss, like a little book of poems about loss would be more helpful.

And yet some people who absolutely hate a book of poems about loss, I certainly would. OP knows her friend best.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/02/2023 19:21

If you read the OP's updates, there's a reason for the socks, and others have agreed it would be a considerate gift as her friend is already suffering from poor circulation and feeling the cold. The Oodie idea/heated throw/blanket suggestions all sound useful as well, for the same reason.

I agree that a box of chocolates might not be the best idea at the moment, but maybe a bar of chocolate would be OK. OP is a very close friend and clearly a very kind person so she will be guided by what the family ask her to do. Flowers

musicalgymball · 16/02/2023 19:25

@Pirateships
Fair point.

LlynTegid · 16/02/2023 19:25

Sorry to read of the death of your friend's husband. Lots of suggestions, my only thought is that your support beyond the first few weeks may turn out to be the most valuable.

747jumbo · 16/02/2023 19:28

I would hate a voucher - and love your hamper. I've never ordered from Just eat in my life - and never would. And couldn't bear someone in my house doing my bloody housework or walking my dog! But everyone is different.

She's your friend, you know her best. You sound kind - and that's what counts.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 19:31

747jumbo · 16/02/2023 19:28

I would hate a voucher - and love your hamper. I've never ordered from Just eat in my life - and never would. And couldn't bear someone in my house doing my bloody housework or walking my dog! But everyone is different.

She's your friend, you know her best. You sound kind - and that's what counts.

Have you ever been bereaved in the way this woman has? A partner dying suddenly?

747jumbo · 16/02/2023 19:32

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 19:31

Have you ever been bereaved in the way this woman has? A partner dying suddenly?

Show quote history

What do you think?????

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 19:41

747jumbo · 16/02/2023 19:32

What do you think?????

Show quote history

I have no idea. I don't know anything about you.

I do know that your advice contradicts that given by all of the posters on this thread who HAVE been in this situation, so I wondered why you were so confident in knowing how you would feel in this situation, if you haven't experienced it.

rainbowzebra05 · 16/02/2023 19:42

I don't think I'll ever forget my mum crying while binning dead flowers after my dad had died. They're lovely for a bit, then just surround you with more death.

Gift wise I typically get a plant that'll flower at that time of year again the following year, so they can plant it in the garden when ready. Then meals (or a gift voucher for take away) and an initial drop off of tea, coffee, sugar and biscuits so that they're on hand for visitors. Messages every so often to say you're nipping to the shops if they need any essentials grabbing, and then making a note to send a message at key events (Father's Day, his birthday, the anniversary...) are a nice touch too to show you haven't forgotten as soon as the almost obligatory grieving period's passed.

747jumbo · 16/02/2023 20:01

Sorry but your comments are both insensitive and stupid. If someone hates other people in their home "cleaning" and never eats junk from the local takeaway - why would that suddenly change???? Some people don't want friends around at all - just want to be left alone and not have to be grateful - just be left to process it all. Quietly.

Everyone deals with grief differently. It often depends on how the person died too.

There are plenty of contradictory posts - Love the food/ threw the food away, love the hamper/ hamper is awful idea, do her washing/ don't intrude, hate the chocolates, hate the socks - socks are lovely with a message.....

But my advice to the OP was exactly that: that everyone was different and that she knew her friend best.

Anyway - not a thread to take any further for me.

I wish you well

notapizzaeater · 16/02/2023 20:08

Britinme · 16/02/2023 16:02

Please don't send flowers. When my beloved first husband died suddenly I was inundated with bouquets at home - there were 22 at one point - and not only was it hard to find things to put them all in, they were big and occupied a lot of space and then I had to watch them all die.

This, 100 times over, my DH died and I had 42 bouquets delivered ! One day I opened the door to interflora with 6 different bouquets.

Grab and go food, snacks, things you can just graze on and you don't feel,like eating but will be hungry. One friend just kept turning up with Costas.

Exhaustedcog · 16/02/2023 20:13

Deliveroo vouchers when my husband was in a coma was my favourite thing that someone did. I could order the children food that they wanted without worrying about the cost

Sleepingmole · 16/02/2023 20:27

Deliveroo vouchers is such a good idea

BeautifulWar · 16/02/2023 20:36

As someone fairly recently bereaved, I would find the hamper a nice gesture. It might not used straight away, but grieving is such a long process and comfort and self care is important (although maybe not the first thing to be thought of). I liked just having these thoughtful things at first, reminders that friends cared.

But, people are very different. Some people hate flowers and take offence, I liked receiving them and just saw them as loving gestures from friends family showing they care.

WorryMcGee · 16/02/2023 20:41

I’m going to go against the grain here - but I should preface it by saying I didn’t lose my DH but came close in 2020. Then we found out I had cancer last year, four months after we had our first baby. So we had our fair share of trauma, albeit not bereavement which of course is immeasurably worse.

So many people sent or brought round food. We had no space for it in the freezer, a lot went uneaten as I didn’t/don’t have much of an appetite. Some of it we wouldn’t eat anyway! I personally also don’t like people asking how I am, or asking what they can do. I didn’t/don’t have the energy to answer. I also didn’t want gifts. Gifts aren’t for this kind of thing IMO, I can’t quite explain why I feel like this (could be the chemo I’ve just had) but I just don’t think it’s appropriate as you can’t “gift” someone out of grief. Obviously all these lovely people meant well but none of it helped.

What was helpful:

  • texting/sending postcards which made it clear there was no obligation to reply or even acknowledge. Even it was just a “love you”. I knew I was in their thoughts but that they didn’t expect anything off me.
  • neighbours saying “I am taking the dog out. Would you like me to take your two as well”. This is better than “can I help with the dogs”
  • Likewise friends saying “I am in the shops. Do you need anything right now, if yes I’ll grab it for you”