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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends husband suddenly died

213 replies

TheStandardLife · 16/02/2023 13:39

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad.

What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also.

I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it?

I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals.

What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help.

😪

OP posts:
Tomicca · 16/02/2023 16:08

Sounds strange but practical things like bog roll are good because your friend might have extra family staying or visitors and it will save them having to go to the shop for more along with some food/baking. I think your hamper sounds lovely as well though.

PurpleEmpress · 16/02/2023 16:12

I know people on MN are revolted by home cooking but something that I liked when my Mum died was a neighbour knocking with some cupcakes her children had made for me. Slightly wobbly icing gave a real sense of thought going into the baking. A change of scenery is also good. Do you have a garden? Suggest when it’s warmer your friend comes round to sit in your garden, nice chair, blanket and some cushions. They can sit quietly on their own if they would prefer, snooze or whatever. A break basically from sorting everything out.

Visit by all means but don’t overstay your welcome, there is nothing worse than the well meaning guest who sits for hours and hours and hours.

Don’t forget the grown up DC, their world has been turned upside down as well.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 16/02/2023 16:12

Scratchybaby · 16/02/2023 14:54

When I was in your friend's situation, the things I remember as most helpful were:

  • focus on her, not just her husband - I had a friend who told me "this is shit, it's going to be shit for a long time, and there's no need to dress it up like it's not shit. But it's happened and it's done. And life is going to move forward, including for you". I don't know exactly what point I'm trying to make here, except maybe that this "pep talk" sort of opened up my eyes to the fact that I was free to rally myself together and decide how I wanted to process my partner's death and move forward with it. Maybe my point is, don't bury her into permanent widowhood by defining her future in terms of "what he would have wanted". Might sound harsh, but that was a freeing idea for me.
  • food - I know everyone has said it, but it's because it's a good answer. Your friend will not have an appetite much less remember to feed herself. If you can put stuff in front of her she can pick at, she'll at least be less likely to faint from low blood sugar
  • practical help - the admin surrounding the death of a spouse is massive. If you are close enough to her that she'd trust to you help her with things like closing accounts or changing the names on bills, this is a massive headache you could remove for her and you'd also be a steadier hand so she doesn't accidentally miss things. This again was the help I appreciated most
  • when the time is right, or even a little earlier, act normal - I'm not saying expect her to be totally ready to "move on" but just to give her a little break from having to be a widow by doing something sort of normal. She might cry, and that's obviously ok, but you might help her break that seal and take the first baby steps to moving forward, which will be massive for her

All of this.

I would also suggest having a look at griefhaven.org/nowyouknow/, particularly the PDF on what to say/what not to say.

Chickenkeev · 16/02/2023 16:16

Might be the use of the word hamper that's irking people as it suggests a gift rather than support but i think the socks are great. When you're suffering, you might not be moving about very much and can get cold feet, the socks might help with that. Whatever you get, just put in a normal bag. I think some essential food just put in a bag and you could throw in a pair of those socks with that. And help with admin although you'll be limited in what you can do. But imo just sitting with her while she makes calls could be useful as the companies can be a nightmare to deal with where bills are in the name of the deceased. You sound lovely btw.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2023 16:18

Just 'be there' in the way she indicates she needs you to. If she needs space, give it to her. If she needs someone to silently sit with her, be that someone. If she needs to talk, be her listener. If she needs an errand run or phone calls made, do it if you can. Just let her know that what she wants is what you will do without asking why. I think that's the most important thing.

Physical things (food, flowers, socks) are so individual. I would have loved socks when my parents died. For whatever reason I just could not get my feet warm! But flowers? Not really. And food? I know it's 'traditional' but we didn't really need food and since we were flying to our hometown for services and burial it would have gone to waste. But my friend who helped me pack, who ran to the shops to buy me a new pair of tights, and who sat and quietly held my hand when I talked about the 'good old days' did more good for me than all the flowers and casseroles in the world.

ChaToilLeam · 16/02/2023 16:19

What I have done for bereaved friends:
Gone to stay for a while (if they wanted that)
Helped with cleaning the house, doing laundry, shopping, fielding phone calls
Sat with them while the funeral arranger visited
Made lots of tea for visitors, cooked dinner
Called and messaged people to inform them of the death because my friend couldn’t face it
Helped clear out belongings when they were ready
Buggered off with good grace when they needed space
Sorted and filed paperwork
Listened if they needed it. Distracted if they needed it.

Some have appreciated thoughtful gifts, others found them burdensome. I know that when I’ve received something like that after a bereavement, however kindly meant, it has just upset me more. Like I always thought of the circumstances when I received it, and gave it away as quickly as I decently could. I preferred messages to calls and visits but that’s because I just wanted space to grieve.

Meals can be good if your friend has lots of freezer space but otherwise takeout vouchers or things that can just be nibbled on.

Most of all, continue to be there. Widows in particular are often forgotten once the funeral is over. You sound like a lovely and staunch friend.

pattihews · 16/02/2023 16:26

Frozen meals from Cook or freezable ready-meals from M&S or similar unless you're sure you're a good cook and are certain there are no stray hairs or anything else in it. (Yes, it happened.) A tin of posh biscuits so that she can offer them to anyone who calls round. I was particularly grateful to the friend who arrived with a box of assorted posh soft drinks. When she brought them round I thought she was a bit mad, but I was able to offer callers something and even though I had no appetite and didn't want alcohol I found that a nice glass of pink grapefruit fizz or ginger beer or elderflower helped pick me up.

As others have said, offer to drive and accompany her. Ask what needs doing. I once phoned people to tell them the news on behalf of a widow who couldn't bear to make those phone calls herself. People wanted to know about sending flowers etc and I was able to say no, she'd prefer not. I also phoned, emailed, texted and sent out invitations to the funeral a couple of weeks later so that she didn't have to.

Call in for 20-30 minutes at a time ('I've got a spare half-hour') and listen and find out what needs doing. Be sensitive: if. she doesn't welcome you, make your excuses and leave. Keeping the garden tidy, washing-up, walking the dog, doing shopping are all real ways of helping. Stuff the socks and chocolate.

Herja · 16/02/2023 16:27

When my DP died unexpectedly, my grandma gave me a notebook, so all the things in my head didn't have to stay there, spinning. I do like writing though, so it was specifically targeted.

Other than that, all I wanted was whisky and to burn the world. A dear friend turned up at 4.30/5am when I phoned her sobbing unintelligibly; that I will always remember. She also minded me when I went out to smash stuff with my steel toe caps, ensured I wasn't arrested and such.

I didn't eat properly until after the funeral, 6 weeks later. I'd not have wanted food. I also took a perverse delight in upsetting people, so didn't have visitors who needed tea etc. I'd have either burned or batted that hamper.

What I needed most was someone to sit silently while I raged, so I felt less alone and someone who would tollerate an utter bitch, while cleaning her house for her...

I'd just be with your friend, a silent, physical, loving presence and take it from there. There's no normal and no guessable thing really, it's too individual.

ItWillWash · 16/02/2023 16:31

When I lost my partner I would have appreciated a hamper, especially if it contained things like clean socks and underwear, mostly because I didn't have the energy or motivation to wash or change into clean clothes. If someone had sent me hamper with some clean things to wear I would have maybe showered and changed.

I got a hamper of chocolate off one friend which was appreciated. It meant there were calories in the house without us having to think about eating or cooking.

Another friend came to my clean for me which again was appreciated but she kept trying to converse with me and I didn't want that, so if you do visit, follow her lead. If she's quiet, just be there for her quietly. If she wants to talk then talk.

I will say the weeks after the funeral are the worst, when there is no distraction. That's when I found that most people drifted away and got on with their lives like everything was normal now. It was over and done with. I wasn't ready for things to be normal and needed supoport more than ever.

cravingtoblerone · 16/02/2023 16:33

The worst bit is after the funeral when everyone has gone off home and you are left to just pick up life.... That's the point at which she'll need a solid friend.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 16/02/2023 16:35

Anoisagusaris · 16/02/2023 13:48

I know you mean well but a pair of fluffy socks is not going to help her at such a traumatic time. Just bring food and offer to help in any way you can.

Yes, remove the socks. They are more a fun sort of gesture/gift.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 16/02/2023 16:37

One of my cousins sent a take away in for the whole family the night before the funeral. It felt like a warm hug.

angela99999 · 16/02/2023 16:40

My husband's oldest friend died a couple of years ago, we knew it was coming but it was still desperately sad for everyone.
His widow didn't live close enough for us to see her every day but we did keep in regular touch and saw her most weeks. In time we started to take her out for lunch or to do other things as it is so easy to stay at home for so long that you lose and impetus to get out and about.
It's still obviously very early days, but I agree that offering to take her to register the death or for other appointments is a good idea, and maybe later you can start to take her out and about more in the coming weeks, simple everyday things like supermarket trips or whatever.

Moveoverdarlin · 16/02/2023 16:41

I don’t think the hamper is well thought out, I would find it trivial. Fluffy socks will do nothing to help and I have no idea what a pocket hug is.

Weatherwax13 · 16/02/2023 16:43

@Herja I really identify with this. I haven't lost a partner but when my young adult son died my rage was incandescent just as you describe. A gift hamper would not have been a wise move

ididntwanttodoit · 16/02/2023 16:46

You are very kind. Your friend is lucky to have someone like you around. When my dad died I appreciated anything and everything that any of my friends did - just the fact that they rallied round helped me feel not so alone. Keep calling, keep visiting, don't need to overwhelm her with gifts, but a thoughtful bar of chocolate/bunch of flowers is always welcome. It's your presence rather than your presents that really counts.

Chickenkeev · 16/02/2023 16:47

I suppose this thread shows that everyone is different and nobody can think in absolutes/no one size fits all. Ultimately you know your friend and we don't, you can only do your best as you feel it would suit your friend and hope for the best. If you unwittingly put a foot wrong, i'm sure your friend will forgive you. These are just horrible situations that are difficult to navigate. But you're here asking which in itself is lovely. I hope your friend is doing ok in as much as it is possible.

sunnydayhereandnow · 16/02/2023 16:55

Definitely being there for her is the most important, whether to be alongside her for the difficult life admin now and to help her get her thoughts together, or to invite her out and be around for her during the next months and years. My mum died suddenly and I was so grateful to see my dad’s good friends (obviously when it was the right time to do so) making sure he had a social life, as when you are used to being a couple it can be hard to do stuff like eat out or go to a film on your own.

FangsForTheMemory · 16/02/2023 16:55

Help with the housework. Do her washing, ironing or vacuuming. She won’t be able to think of mundane things.

MourningTea · 16/02/2023 17:03

Totally agree with chickenkeev. I would appreciate a hamper and some fluffy socks and also the offer of food but that is me.
You know your friend better than anyone so I would do whatever you feel is best.

ClimbingRoseBush · 16/02/2023 17:04

Everyone reacts differently, as the thread shows. I didn’t have the rage, I couldn’t eat at all though. Food would have been useless as I felt sick all the time and just couldn’t bring myself to have it. I wanted to sort the admin myself so I knew everything that was happening. Just being there will be the best thing for now. Ask if she’s up to visitors and stay as long and as often as she wants.

Newbuildhulahoops · 16/02/2023 17:08

I think a hamper is weird :( sorry!
Meals and stock up the tea / coffee / fruit bowl x

PrincessHoneysuckle · 16/02/2023 17:14

I wouldn't want socks tbh I'd want vodka,valium and a hug

FabFitFifties · 16/02/2023 17:16

Your hamper sounds lovely OP but I'd keep it for maybe 2 months time, as a little treat. I'd just keep in regular contact and offer to do practical things - shopping for example,and say you are happy to help with any practical matters or take/accompany her anywhere (without being specific). You sound like a lovely friend.

ItWillWash · 16/02/2023 17:17

I didn't have the rage either. I needed to do something. I couldn't ease anyone's pain, I couldn't arrange the funeral because there had to be an autopsy due to it being a sudden expected death and nothing I did would bring him back so I cleaned, chaotically and manically.

We lived separately and he was very messy but also hated people seeing his mess. Me and his kids were the only people allowed in his house so I cleaned his house. It helped me feel like I was doing something to help.

I didn't want or need anyone with me. I wanted to stick in my buds, crank my music up and clean. Anyone who tried to comfort me or help was only in my way. That lasted around three days and then I crashed.

I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to reply to messages (I did read and appreciate them) I wanted to sit in front of the TV and watch crappy movies. I wouldn't have minded someone sitting with me but only if they didn't speak to me or try to pick a decent movie to watch.

Friends and family dragged me out of my stupor about a week later by arranging a family/close friends gathering at my house to celebrate his life.

As I said it was after the funeral when I needed people and that was when the offers of help and support seemed to stop.