Friends husband suddenly died

[TheStandardLife]

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad.

What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also.

I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it?

I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals.

What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help.

😪

I agree with just being there. When my dad died last year I was shocked at the lack of presence of some of my oldest friends, one of whom I’d known for 40 years so knew my dad too. Tbh I’ll never view her the same. Fluffy socks are pointless - hugs, tea,an ear and practical help

I think the child is an adult. However, they might appreciate some time if you knew their Dad well. My Dad died when I was in my very early 20s and I found it really valuable spending time with those friends of his that I'd known growing up.

Irish here so things are done a bit differently in that the whole community would help in some way - some more useful than others, granted!

SIL's best friend turned up after a night in the hospital, put SIL to bed, cleaned up the communal areas, brought milk, teabags, coffee, cakes and biscuits. Bringing meals and other provisions like extra loo roll and washing up liquid for the constant visitors are also useful. Others did a quick zoom around the house, mowing the lawn, cleaning the windows, or set up the church hall for the refreshments afterwards.

If you batch cook, use aluminium trays rather than letting the family try to keep track of who's casserole dish is whos. A friend of the family who is a chef landed down to the house with what can only be described as a cauldron of amazing stew - kept us going for days when we had no headspace or energy to feed the kids.

Some neighbours brought the family cars to be washed for the funeral, others got suits drycleaned & returned, checked the family had appropriate funeral garb to wear (young adults generally don't have a go-to funeral outfit the way us older folk tend to have) that they've got suitable shoes and so on.

It's when the funeral is all over, and the quiet begins that you may be really needed.For MIL who was always out and about in the community, and hid herself away after FIL died, her friends continued to call, dragged her out for a walk like they used to and kept that going.

A text every once in a while. It's ok to not have words to say. I never do. But I'm there whether they want a distraction or a bit of a cry and cuddle or anything in between.

I also don’t like the hamper unless it’s just a hamper of food and cake and biscuits (good point by a PP of being able to offer visitors and funeral directors something like a piece of cake). Maybe packs of tea, coffee.

As it is, something called a “pocket hug” does seem to trivialise it. It’s something for a teenager or one of those “first period” boxes.

I think the hamper is cringey tbh. Feels more like a celebration, like something you'd do when someone has just had a baby.

Offer to help with housework, taking the kids to school getting the shopping in. Home cooked food, microwave meals always feel a bit hollow. A proper homecooked meal make should feel like someone is looking after you, makes you feel properly fed and is more nutritious which helps.

Agree with this don't do that OP it's insensitive. Though I understand you are trying to do the opposite.

Agreed.

Cooked food, fruit, water bottles and supportive presence. Offer to support with any day to day routine she might not be motivated to do. E.g. go shopping or pick up a parcel etc etc.

What a great post. I agree with all of this.

I always remember anniversaries & birthdays for close friends (one has lost a sister, two others their sons, another their partner). For less close friends I'll remember the time of year & often acknowledge it. I don't expect a reply or any mention necessarily, it's just so they know I remember them.

Easy food that requires no thinking or washing up.

Help with normal everyday tasks so she can do the most important things to her. Funeral and admin stuff is hard to delegate, as sometimes only next of kin is acceptable to companies. So, looking after her pets, buying in food, checking post, cleaning, taking her car for MOT, getting fuel in her car, babysitting, anything her child needs, taking child to pre planned events or college, organising a plumber when the sink blocked, phoning the dentist to rearrange an appointment. Basically, I found someone else taking on some of the day to day normal grunt work very helpful, as I didn’t really have the headspace.

I would have looked at socks and thought that it’s nice they thought of me. But I wouldn’t have had what it took to get the socks out of the packet, dispose of the packet in the appropriate bin, cut off the little plastic tag that keeps the socks together, fold the socks up and put them in the right drawer. That would have been all too much. I would’ve just left them in the hamper somewhere until I had more headspace months later.

What’s the idea of a journal? That would have completely perplexed me.She’s not going to want to remember or relive how horrific this time is.

Definitely not the hamper. It's meant well, but could seem to trivialise the trauma.

Actual food or the vouchers someone suggested for deliveries might be a helpful, depending on the situation.

My own experience is that people tend either to keep away or to turn up and attack you for moping and for not going out and getting a job in the days, weeks or months after a bereavement.

So I think your being there at first just sitting and listening, allowing them to talk, being there through the shock, then as the months and years go by listening and validating still, with no judgement as to when or how the bereaved ought be feeling what, is a precious gift.

I also agree that a hamper with chocolate and socks is a bit "off". Its almost implying that chocolate will get her over it. Your intentions are lovely but after a sudden death, most people cant contemplate eating due to shock. I would go round and just let her vent/talk. Whilst you are there ask her if you can make her something to eat but let her choose exactly what she feels like in that moment. She might only be able to manage half a sandwich or whatever. Grief is so individual so let yourself be guided by her. Agree with asking her if you can accompany her or help her with anything like the funeral or informing people.

The main thing is to be there emotionally for her rather than gifts I think.

Practical help with organising the funeral and contacting people is what I'd want, plus a card.
Also, buy a big notebook so that friends and relatives can record their memories and happy stories of him (at the funeral/wake, or ask for these in advance to be written out so she can stick them in the book.) This is a lovely thing to have for the future, for her and her dch to read through.

What’s the idea of a journal? That would have completely perplexed me.She’s not going to want to remember or relive how horrific this time is.

I didn't suggest the journal, but in its defence - journalling can be a really good way of processing grief and tough emotions. It can also be a place to write down memories of the deceased because a lot of the little everyday things slip away quite quickly.

When I was in your friend's situation, the things I remember as most helpful were:

• focus on her, not just her husband - I had a friend who told me "this is shit, it's going to be shit for a long time, and there's no need to dress it up like it's not shit. But it's happened and it's done. And life is going to move forward, including for you". I don't know exactly what point I'm trying to make here, except maybe that this "pep talk" sort of opened up my eyes to the fact that I was free to rally myself together and decide how I wanted to process my partner's death and move forward with it. Maybe my point is, don't bury her into permanent widowhood by defining her future in terms of "what he would have wanted". Might sound harsh, but that was a freeing idea for me.
• food - I know everyone has said it, but it's because it's a good answer. Your friend will not have an appetite much less remember to feed herself. If you can put stuff in front of her she can pick at, she'll at least be less likely to faint from low blood sugar
• practical help - the admin surrounding the death of a spouse is massive. If you are close enough to her that she'd trust to you help her with things like closing accounts or changing the names on bills, this is a massive headache you could remove for her and you'd also be a steadier hand so she doesn't accidentally miss things. This again was the help I appreciated most
• when the time is right, or even a little earlier, act normal - I'm not saying expect her to be totally ready to "move on" but just to give her a little break from having to be a widow by doing something sort of normal. She might cry, and that's obviously ok, but you might help her break that seal and take the first baby steps to moving forward, which will be massive for her

There is so much admin to do after a death, and it comes at a time when you're so zombie like you're barely functioning. Someone helping with that is invaluable.

As well as someone making sure that everyone is fed so I didn't have to think about it, it was just put in front of me.

I found making even the simplest decisions became impossible, I certainly didn't have the mental capacity to deal with things like receiving a hamper and dealing with its contents, so in the nicest possible way, please don't do it.

This 1000 times. Listen to her. But remember she is grieving. Don’t try to give her answers just be there for her and listen. If she needs a hug, hug her. If she needs some space, give her space. If she needs someone to be near her and listen, stand by her and listen. If she asks why, you don’t know why, there is no why.

I think the hamper is a great idea and very thoughtful and caring. It doesn’t really matter if she uses it or not. It’s there if she needs it and that’s what matters.

Thanks for your replies.

I know my friend well I was the second person called in the early hours. I've felt physically sick all day and tried to hide my own tears and be strong.

I know she won't eat, I know she won't look after herself now. I know she has poor health herself at the moment herself, the socks were to just keep her warm as I know she has her heating off, and she's always freezing cold. It was just an idea of a care package, along with some food, and take away vouchers.

I used to work for my friend and her husband briefly to help them out for a while, I'll support her in any way I can taking care of anything practical as I know where most of those documents and phone numbers will be to try and take care of things.

She is very spiritual, her family and his are hours and hours away. She is 40 minutes from me, I've offered to go round, drop food ect but she obviously wants space.

I'll just drop food to her door, and message daily with my support and love and let her know I'll be there.

Ah well we’re all different. I would love a pair of fluffy socks.

I haven't lost a spouse so not speaking from personal experience. But my dad died suddenly when I was 13 and I watched my mum deal with it.
My mum was sad of course but also angry. Really angry. Really really angry.

One of her friends brought around a self-care hamper for us both like you're suggesting. It didn't go down well at all. My mum threw the box and all its contents out of the front door telling her friend that it was just a vanity project to make her (the friend) feel better.

They haven't spoken since and my mum still sticks by her interpretation.

I'm going to go against the grain here. My DH died in May, in extremely tragic circumstances, and I received a lot of little hampers etc...i found it wonderful. I wore the scarf that was in one, around the house, as my good friend who gave it to me said she wanted me to feel as if I was being hugged by her, and all the other bits and bobs did get used - not necessarily by me, but by people that came round. It made me feel less alone. There were some mini bottles of wine and also chocolates and biscuits, which as other PP have said, weren't necessarily easy for me to eat, but my kids loved them. It was the love that came with it all that was such a deep comfort.

As if she knows about the ‘Tell us once’ service so she doesn’t have to call loads of government places and say he’s passed away. Not sure exactly how it works but it’s 100% legit and on the .gov website. If she’s up to it, ask for a list of jobs that you could do to help. If/when she feels up to it. Ask if she would like to talk about him, share some treasured memories etc. Maybe if you have any joint friends, you could ask them if they have any photos of him that she hasn’t seen and you could make a photo album? Might
not be quite the right time for it but might be nice for her in 3-4 months (or when seems appropriate) I’ve literally never had this experience so am guessing btw.

OP my husband died a year ago.

Like others have said, help with admin is useful. There are so many different things you learn when dealing with a death - if they shared a car and it was in his name, it has to be transferred to her name and retaxed. And most utility companies, banks etc have bereavement teams who are much better at answering calls and dealing with grieving spouses, so something practical would be to find the contact details of these teams in companies she needs to contact.

And please stay in touch as time goes on. What did help was when I went out with small groups. I wanted to be out of the house but wasn't really capable of socialising. So I went to places with 2 or 3 others who would chat as normal around me and I could join in or not as I chose. It helped me feel normal for a few hours and never felt judged.

And I would have loved a journal and chocolates. I started writing to DH as a way of processing grief and found it so helpful. And I wasn't eating right (lost over a stone in 4 weeks) so having something to nibble would be good. And the thing that meant most to me was receiving letters where friends and family shared memories of my lovely DH. I will treasure them forever. But we are all different and you know your friend so you know what she likes, so follow her lead.

I agree with the others -not the hamper. No chocolates, candles, socks. When this happened to a friend of mine with teen children, she did not want flowers. She did want meals. Also, a bar of chocolate and cake were appreciated. She wanted help with admin - finding documents, notifying banks, putting the car in her name, cancelling her family holiday for the summer etc, dealing with utility companies, probate and money in general. She wanted help with funeral arrangements-where to start. She wanted help in telling people, her DC’s school etc. Two DCs were about to sit GCSEs and A levels. And then the long and awful days and weeks and months afterwards. My friend was shocked that close couple friends drifted away, that she didn’t seem to fit any more in her church that was initially supportive, that she had to make new, widowed friends, that sometimes the least known friends became the best ones, and the formerly best ones gradually weren’t there any more.

Practical help and food is perfect. As others have said people can forget after a while and so try and maintain support as much as possible

She's probably in such deep shock that she doesn't know what she wants or needs. So regular contact is a lovely thought - she may remember things that she needs to do or get that way.